8/13/2021
Good morning from the other side! Where health and strength are new!
Oh was it a 'ride'; the battle between me and you (virus)!
14 days we did fight! That's 14 days AND fourteen nights!
Covid, you will NOT be missed! God saved me from your bite!
And to your pal, Pneumonia, we (me + God) are winning this one too!
We'll be happy to say "farewell, I didn't enjoy my time with you"!
Fare well in never never land.... far away from ANY lung!
Where decay and rust and death reside....for some "bacterial-family fun!"
So consider this an "Official Notice"! We are breaking today!
Oh, Covid and Pneumonia, find somewhere else to stay!
Bye :)
7/4/2021
Today is Independence Day, and it is also the day that my dad took his own life 3 years ago now. I have been thinking a lot about him and my brothers. There hasn't been much of a connection ther between myself and my siblings. I often wonder if that would be different had we not moved to Texas however, I cannot imagine my life being any different than it is today. We have been through many trials and tribulations since the move, and I am forever grateful for the life experience that I have endured personally. I know that my blood siblings and I may not have the relationship that one would consider normal or expected, but that is how life goes sometimes. God does place us in His perfect family and places other believers around us to form a spiritual family. I do not feel any lack or need for the intimate love that is the ultimate life sustaining experience. I am so grateful for the humans that are in my life and the relationships that God has blessed me with! It makes me sad think about my dad and his battle for peace and serenity in this world. Oh how the love of God could have made the situation entirely different. I have learned much from my dad though about the seriousness of mental disorders. Piles and piles and miles and miles of toxic thinking can wire itself in such a way that one could feel so lost and hopeless, but I see the power of God working for the good through my awareness of that reality!
My prayer today is:
Father God, through the mighty and miraculous name of Jesus Christ, I praise You for pulling me out of a mindset that destroys! I am deeply saddened by the way that my dad left this world, but I know that You bring goodness out of any dark places! Help me to plant seeds of light for another that is 'lost' in a personal darkness of their own. You allowed me to go through finely tuned experiences and trials that have formed me into the girl that I am today. May I, through Your strength and love, be Your hands, feet, and voice! Amen
Strongs 475 (today)...... Elyashib: "God Restores"
LORD my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me! -Psalm 30:2
7/12/2019
For a moment I was lost in my thoughts. Gasping for relief, I breathe!
The courage it takes to surrender control and the greatness that is achieved!
Momentary pondering on that day my husband signed the plea.
What courage that took and the glory that's come from his decision to 'agree'!
Oh the pain I felt as we deliberated outside that courtroom door.
All those selfish choices for monetary gain had only made us 'poor'!
An inventory of miracles I reflect on today... nearly 5 years since that 'storm'.
True blessings and goodness are only obtained through the 'narrow door'!
No thing of value has ever been had without patience and sacrifice,
and putting hope in the Almighty Creator for ALL the goodness of this life!
I am grateful for the painful lessons and the spiritual growth that's resulted.
To share with another what I once was? I will NEVER be insulted!
Humbled and honored to be a vessel. A light of hope indeed!
All glory to my God in heaven, the one whom set me free!
Father God, in the name of Jesus, thank You for the lessons! Do not ever let me take this life for granted! Thank You that when You release my husband, the timing will be divine! Keep us grounded and filled with faith! May we always remember where we came from, and Who brought us here. Amen!
Hallowed be Your name.
10 Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us this day our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
As we forgive our debtors.
13 And do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.
[d]For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.
22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;
Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. -James 1:12
So blessed to spend the day with you. To pray together, and share a meal!
I fell in love all over again. I had forgotten how I feel!
It's been a LONG journey to this point. I see the importance of it all though.
The pain. The distance. The sacrifice. I UNDERSTAND... and am grateful for!
Soon you'll be home. These new people we've become,
will be together again.....to finally be as one!
The secret to 'having it all' is: when you realize that you already do! My son's best friend is in the choir. Last night was his final concert as a high school student. I went to the event in support of this fine young man, and left there feeling so blessed for the experience! They are quite good! The songs they chose spoke to my heart in such a way that caused the tears to flow. His friend performed a solo in one song. I had always known that he was a fantastic pianist, but was not aware that he could sing so well! I am so grateful for the evening!
Family reunited....the day is drawing nearer!
I stand in expectation, with joy.... my heart twinkles.
Ready for the downpour.... abundance.... no more sprinkles!
Shifting, changing, ever renewing, the day is fresh!
Grateful for the newness! Grateful to be blessed!
Content with who I am, and empowered so much for it!
Oneness.... balance... centered. The 'double mind'? NOT for it!
I thank You for this blessing, oh Holy Spirit power!
For making me to 'see' these weeds are really flowers!
Amen
Time has gotten away from me! Tracked the parole binder that we sent off, and it was delivered yesterday! I pray that my husband is granted tremendous favor, as he has worked so hard in there! He has done so much in these past few years, and I barely recognize him anymore. (that is good) I thought I had a good thing to begin with, but it just goes to show that God can take my 'good' and turn it even better! I am eager to share this 'new creation' out here in the world ..... us together. Gonna be an emotional day! Speaking of 'emotional'... my oldest son graduates next week. ALREADY!!!!! That went way too fast. It saddens me to accept that my husband won't be able to witness the event. Just one of those things that is out of my control..... ha.....just noticed how silly that sounds. I DO NOT control anything. (how quickly we forget). Illusion of 'control' LOL! My goodness! Life is a treasure! Every minute of it. The struggles. The celebrations. The pain. The 'ho-hum' days....... ALL a treasure!
Good morning, God! :) I want to start out this post with thanksgiving for the power of the Holy Spirit working in my family's life! Yesterday I sent off the rough draft of this parole proposal to my husband for him to look over and sign. Upon his blessing we will be stepping into a new place in our lives! Putting together this binder for my husband has been such a blessing already to me, and I am grateful for that. To read the words he wrote.... they took root within me as I typed them. A whole new level of hope has blossomed in my spirit. To witness the growth in his journey inspires me to explore God further! As I come to realize this, I have been gifted an awareness of the way a healthy relationship 'should' be! What a cool thing this situation has been in so many ways, and I am giddy at the thought of reunification! This 'shift' in my spirit has captivated my heart!
Father God, thank You for Your guidance in our lives! Thank You for my husbands teachable spirit! Thank You for mine! Thank You for opening my eyes to something better! I am excited to see what happens next! What a cool thing! Amen!
-Jonah 2:6
It has been a few weeks since I had a chance to write out here. I have been working diligently on my husband's parole packet. He hand wrote the majority of it (bless his heart). I have been touching things up, adding some detail, photos, shiny covers......making it 'beautiful'! It was a blessing to read everything that my husband had written. Was like a peek into his heart....all that I had hoped for! Makes me think of the scripture in Hebrews: "Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we cannot see." -Hebrews 11:1 I am still not yet done with the 'proposal' or 'packet', but we are to talk this evening on the phone. So the plan is to finish up tonight.
Father God, in the name of Jesus, take this proposal and make it supernatural! Seal it with Your blessing as You have sealed us into the family of God! Make it 'alive'....... Amen!
-Matthew 4:10
Spent some time reflecting this evening on our family's current situation with this upcoming parole review process. Based on what I have learned throughout my own personal experiences, and last year's parole experience with my husband..... we are faced with a question: Do we hire an attorney? Earlier today my hubby and I prayed for guidance from the Lord on what we are to do. Would hiring be NOT stepping out in faith? Putting together this parole packet (which is what the attorney would be doing) is something that we are able to do ourselves, and would be a savings of $2,500. I am excited about this upcoming marriage seminar that we get to participate in TOGETHER! I really feel that we are going to learn a lot about each other as these 'new people/person'! I am a 'numbers' kind of gal, so when I sat down to read the bible tonight, I felt a nudge to read the suggested scripture reading assigned for the same day this seminar is scheduled. Esther 4-7 was listed, so I opened up and began to read with an open mind and in expectation of personal instruction. One specific passage caught my attention: For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” -Esther 4:14 I really feel in my heart that this is 'our season', for what?.... this where the uncertainty lay! I pray that this means..... the BEGINNING of our next chapter, the 'Living for Christ in the free world' chapter! I had a friend verbally compare my story to that of 'Esther' on several occasions. So for that reason alone, being directed to THAT book, had some power in my spirit. Those little 'nudges' from God are so special to me, and SO POWERFUL. This particular 'nudge' is multi-faceted, because there is a bit of meaning from the numerological perspective as well. Let me backup a day to my Saturday (4/14). My older son and I went on a last minute adventure to have some senior pictures "professionally" taken in the town of Weatherford early morning. When I say 'last minute', it was for me anyway. This appointment had been made and paid for by my son's stepmom, so I was unaware that it was happening and even more.... that there was ANY 'desire' for ME to be present for the occasion! Initially I had another engagement (phone call and coffee with my hubby) , so I 'opted-out' of the event due to that. As I learned of more of the details (like my son actually wanted me to be with them) and that it would just be the 3 of us, I saw it as a GOLDEN opportunity to make this fine man feel SUPER SPECIAL! Naturally and without hesitation I made the decision to "CANCEL MY COFFEE!" She, I, and "our son" TOGETHER by choice ..... an image of a miracle in itself for anyone who knows our history! Excited about doing something special for my son, I planned my outfit and fixed my hair. I even coordinated my purse to match my outfit! My objective...you ask? So that my son would be "proud that I was his momma!" Getting gut-level honest.... I think his step mother is gorgeous, and I have always felt a bit 'less-than' around her when it comes to how I look. But what is EVEN more hilarious.... she has expressed that very SAME struggle from her side of the street immediately upon arrival!!!! Lmbo Anyway, I probably didn't need to go into such detail as to 'why' I got so dressed up, just note that my typical purse got left behind! (important in a minute). Since I had this nifty matching wallet that my mother in law gave me a while back....I decided to 'sport' it for our outing too! Knowing I would be returning to my comfortable/lived-in wallet and purse later, I only brought with me a bit of cash- just in case. (important in a minute too ;) The ride to and from was such a blessing! My son and I seem to have a pattern of exceptional conversation and an ALL OUT atmosphere of spiritual-contentment on our car trips together lately. (Thank You Jesus) We expected an inside-studio for the 'photo-op', so we brought several different outfits, one of which was his prom attire minus the shoes he still did not have. The photo-session ended up being at a park outside and lasted about an hour, so we had the majority of our day still available when we left. Knowing now that there was a 'need' for prom shoes, I had left the park with the idea to purchase him some on the way home as a surprise. So on the way home, when he asked me if I "had the time to stop and look at some prom shoes", that confirmed the idea I already had in mind. I hadn't yet suggested the thought, because typically he is in a rush to get back to whatever it is that teen-aged humans do these days. My son....asking ME if I had anywhere to be in the laid back 'no nonsense' kind of style.... really made me feel very special! (It isn't everyday that ya run across a 17 year old in consideration of the 'parent') Ooh I'm excited! Silently....... I recall that I have an unused $10 birthday gift from Kohl's AND a 30% off the purchase... So now I can get ME some new walking shoes too!!!! Woo Hoo! Thank You, Jesus! Holy Spirit flowing like a mighty river, I cannot emphasize that enough! So as we are on our way into the store I receive a REVELATION: My Kohl's card which is the vital component in order to take advantage of the 'perks' .... is IN THE OTHER WALLET!? Since I AM the "coupon queen" #bargain-minded.... I can no longer justify the "lavish purchase of the walking shoes!" My son STILL assuming HE is buying his own shoes (and most likely especially because of the news...lol) is EVEN MORE surprised when I pulled out cash WITHOUT ANY evidence of 'buyer's remorse (cuz there really was NONE) to buy him these shoes! PRICELESS! Let me EMPHASIZE: He has witnessed 17 years of me making ALL purchases to make maximum usage of my dollar in EVERY situation. It is one of those characteristics that has afforded us ALL that we have had in a 'single-parent' household. (Although, what I view as a 'gift' .... he has seen more as a curse). Long story short....LOL... those shoes were NON-negotiable in my heart! They were more than JUST SHOES...they were SYMBOLIC (Holy Spirit at work....LOVE IT)! I am getting RE-giddy inside remembering the moment as I type! The day was so super spectacular that I made a mental note of the 'date' of 4/14 countless times...journal in mind. Let me announce right here, that today at church I was the recipient of an unexpected birthday package containing.....yep.....a new pair of walking shoes! A gift from God??????!!!! I also deem it necessary to include that the angelic giver of the gift was the same dear friend that has compared my character to that of 'Esther'..... It still is unclear to me what I am to be receiving from the text of Esther 4:14, but I KNOW this: It jumped off the page, and leapt into my spirit! I lay this now at the feet of my Lord and Savior, Jesus! From this stage in my spiritual growth, I have also learned that it is HIGHLY important to practice the gift of 'discernment' in my dealings with scriptural interpretation and the source thereof. Satan used scripture in his dealings with Jesus, so it makes sense to me that it be feasible he do the same to me. I know that this post is a bit open-ended in MANY ways, but the synchronicities and the special moments have a DEEPER meaning than they have YET revealed to me. This is CONFIRMED in my spirit. So I have given a written account of this day/days with intent to revisit its details.
.....to be continued
Father God, in the name o Jesus, what am I to be gathering from this scripture that has caught my attention SO? Is this coming from You, or have I been misled? The clue in my heart is the presence of 'doubt'..... help me to understand! Amen!
Good morning world! I just got the BEST news since Jesus! My mother in law just called me with an invitation to participate in an ALL DAY marriage seminar WITH MY HUSBAND in nearly a month!!!!!!!! Wanted to know if I "would be interested..."!? Are you flipping kidding me?! (pardon the use of 'flipping') But REALLY! My heart is literally flipping round and round in excitement! I haven't done anything like this in OVER 3 years!!!!!! My answer was YES by the way! In all honesty....my EXACT response went like this: "HOLY CR@P! YES, and YES!"
* oh, and P.S. the stigma that goes along with Friday the 13th......HOG WASH, in Jesus name! ;)
Father God, in the MIGHTY and AWESOME name of Jesus, thank You thank You thank You thank You.........for this amazing opportunity! I KNOW that EVERY GOOD THING COMES FROM THE YOU! Take these tears and this excitement as praises to You, the God of heaven!!!!!!!! Amen!
Last night I had a dream, and I am not quite sure what to make of it. There were so many different emotions that went along with the event/events (I can't quite separate). I feel a very strong need to document what I can recall VERY VIVIDLY. I dream A LOT about being on some sort of a 'journey'; it is always my understanding that I am passing through my current surroundings. The characters in the dreams are most always my immediate family, which was the case in the dream I am about to share. So last night, we were on some sort of a trip. For whatever reason, we stopped at a building for what I was thinking would be brief. I remember we ended up needing to stay there for a while. I was discontent with having to stay from the very beginning. There were things there that did not belong to us, but were serving a temporary need. I recall being outwardly frustrated with having to stay there, but was meeting with a resistant majority! I remember my mom looking at me, and I understood her reasoning was because of the stall that was available for our horse (until this moment, I had no idea we even had a horse!). Not sure if this is important, but I remember the horse being a dirty blonde color, and clearly impatient also. I felt like the horse and I were the only ones who were like-minded in the desire to 'go'! It was almost as if I could feel what the horse was feeling. Anyway, the next thing I recall was that I was in a vehicle, and we were being carried by the most gigantic tidal wave. I remember looking out the window and seeing miles and miles of water. It had to have been late afternoon because of the way the sun was shining. The height was like I was 'flying' (I have LOTS of dreams where I am flying, so I assumed that this was the case) and about to come in for landing, yet not at any speed.....just coasting (the feeling I had was that way anyway). When I looked out the window, I immediately understood that we were in fact in a vehicle and on top of this tidal wave that seemed to touch the sky! The wave was moving so slow, and I remember thinking it might be a good idea to brace for impact, but could not get any kind of feeling as to when that might be. All of a sudden, with the calmest calm I have ever experienced, the wave gradually dropped until we reached the shore! The transition was so smooth that I was unable to detect any movement at all (other than the visual). The last thing I can recall, is a brief image (not at all crisp and sharp) of a hazy, cream colored castle top framed by a mid-toned solid blue sky...............
Father God, in the name of Jesus of Nazareth, please reveal to me the message that is to be had! Guide me and help me to KNOW without doubt that this path leads to You, and You alone! May the images of my mind be ever crisp and sharp! To God be ALL the glory! Amen
Exactly one year ago my little dog, Heaven, was fighting for her life. We had no idea that we would be receiving our 'miracle' of healing in just a day or two! Now here we are a whole year later, and she is a completely different dog. Happy and healthy, and wild as ever! Looking back, why was I so worried.......the unknown. What would it have been like to be John the Baptist. He knew long before that Jesus was the Lamb of God! He knew that Jesus would be our Savior! That 'knowing' and conviction cost him his earthly life. But oh, the eternal position he has in the Heavenlies! Faith that God would heal my little dog, that's what pleases Him! One foot in front of the other, hopeful and full of faith, and ever boasting in the Lord! That is my 'calling' that is my 'purpose'!
Father God, in the mighty name of Jesus, thank You for healing my dog! Thank You for always answering my prayers! The 'yes's and the no's'..... I know that You work ALL things for my good! Amen
This weekend was an amazing one again. With the help of my Risen Savior, on Saturday morning, I took 4th place in my very first 5k run! I hope to push myself to do more marathons in the future. I woke up this morning thinking about my e-cig. Had I not had that addiction in my life....how much better would I have done in the race? I am thinking I owe it to myself, and definitely to God to find out the answer to that question. No pain...no gain Lol! Saturday afternoon, my youngest son and I worked on getting the garden in order for this season. We have been analyzing how we could improve the gardening experience this time around. We doubled the size, replaced the fence to be more 'dog-proof', and discussed a better plan for supporting the tomato bushes this year. It's exciting to live a life today where my family is 'pro-active' rather than 're-active'. It is also fun to be learning along side my son, and to witness the fine young man he is becoming! I sure have been blessed with two of the finest sons around!
Sunday, we had the pleasure of being invited for the Easter celebration at my friend's house that I talk about often. He and his family sure have been a blessing to our lives! He and his wife are two of the finest people I have EVER met! They have always made my family and I feel like their family (a gift I hope to be able to offer others some day myself!). I just cannot wait for the day they and my husband get the chance to meet. Might not be a bad idea to pick up a box of Kleenex or two on the way (have a hunch it could get a tad bit emotional). Easter afternoon, my boys, mom, myself and son's new girl, attempted to play a game of 'disc-golf' at the park. The wind along with all the busyness of the weekend caused us to re-route the 'plan'. God's plan was much better (of course)! The teenagers went with mom for an evening of 'on-level' food and fellowship. And my youngest son and I made a few memories of our own....grilled some steaks (and YES they turned out), chased the dogs, and journaled together about our day! I couldn't have wanted for ANYTHING!
Father God, in the AWESOME name of Jesus, thank You for another amazing weekend! Thank You for my friends! Thank You for coming so that this abundant life could be a possibility! Amen
Happy Easter 2018! God is the same yesterday, today, and FOREVER! Personally, I have never been fond of celebrating on one particular day. I think it best to be grateful for our risen Savior as long as there is breath in our lungs (which should be every day LOL)! I see singling out specific days for 'recall' a bit worldly, but I can only speak for my own needs and circumstances. I guess what I mean when I say that would be best summed up by a statement that has stuck with me in recovery: "Long standing change happens day by day". So being that what I am striving for is to be more like Jesus, I HAVE to celebrate Him EVERY DAY! However, I do not think that the food part of the celebration needs to be part of the picture! Lol I cannot allow my Jesus and my pecan pie to be competing for my attention on a daily basis!
Good morning! Time to play catch up on the miracle list ..... long overdue! Sunday at church, some of my sisters and I had a precious time of fellowship! Discussing the trials of life, and encouraging each other with personal testimonies of enduring through the struggles. This life is full of rocky terrain, and sometimes just hearing what others have been going through can be so powerful! My oldest son missed church for the first time this Sunday. He overslept ...... it happens ......but it sends quite the message when you are the guitar player on the stage! The 'spiritual alert system' is tripped when a brother or sister is missing from the body even if you are NOT the guitar player! Rather than continue to attempt to wake him, and allow his choice to cause myself and others to miss, I made the decision to let him sleep. That wasn't easy to do. I felt a bit embarrassed walking in to meet faces of disappointment, as the 'mother of the missing guitar player'! I have learned on this journey though, that sometimes allowing my children to fall and learn the lesson God has for them, is good parenting! However, I also believe that I need to have some 'sound council and instruction' when and if that becomes vital to the picture! Praise God for the women and men in my life today who provide me just that (this side of Heaven anyway). I call on my mom a lot for this type of situation. She has quite the gift when it comes to connecting with children and the youth especially. It ya ask me (it could happen), I think it is one of her prayer languages! Lord knows, I do NOT have it, but PRAISE GOD there is one thing I DO know.....where to go to find it! Knowing where to look....that's a gift too ya know! After some conversation between she and he, I got to spend some time taking some 'senior pictures' with he and his car. We drove all over town until the Holy Spirit told us to stop, and may I just say, the Holy Spirit knows the art of photo taking! The outcome was more than pleasing to the eye, the photos radiated Gods great glory! As I often quote the words of my youngest son (then 6 years old), "I will always have this moment!"
Monday was our church's day to serve meals for the Agape outreach. We had a smaller group this time, but the evening was such a pleasure! I am grateful to get to work with such fine people, and for such a good cause. I was responsible for picking up the side dishes from a local restaurant, which sorta stressed me out a bit. The bean lid would not stay fastened to the container, and I envisioned beans all over the trunk the entire commute! (didn't spill a drop by the way). Isn't it funny how the mind can manifest something that never actually happened, yet it had me 'gripping' the steering wheel with sweaty palms the whole drive!? Lol Hey, if that is what I have to worry about these days......i'll take it!
Well, since I began this post several days ago now, I think I will return next time in a different entry. Just wanted to document some happy times before time slipped away, and life hands me some trials!
Father God, in the name of Jesus, thank You for my life today. The possibility that life on this side of the veil could be this good...... makes me wonder...... I can only IMAGINE how Heaven will be! Amen
No greater joy than my kiddos walking in the truth!
To see them rising above what is 'normal' in the youth!
Hearing so much 'good'...keeps me smiling...my heart does leap!
A quickening of my soul......that is like poetry!
The anointing of the Spirit, that is Holy, an all consuming fire.
My God, my "sun and shield"....full of glory ....supreme empire!
You carry us through the storms, the 'light' in our dark tunnel!
Your love pours in our lives like a never ending funnel!
Thank You, Father!
-Romans 5:3-4
This morning, I cry out! Why, God, am I so weak?! Have I fallen from Your grace?
Please give me a message....Why again and again am I in this place?
What am I to be learning? Why am I trapped in 'self obsession'?
This is NOT at all what I want! I am open to Your lesson!
My mind keeps me in bondage....my heart....please make it pure!
I desire to pass Your test! Oh grant me the strength so I may endure!
So that I may step into Your promise of blessing and grace and love!
God, I yearn to know You more! I just can't seem to get enough!
Take this day before me....guide me....hold my hand!
Please take control! For me... Your purpose and Your plan!
Amen!
So I have caved to these demons again! For Your help..my soul cries out!
Guide me, Lord God, away from temptation....guard what goes into my mouth!
Food addiction is real, it SEEMS so huge! I know this to be a lie!
God....strengthen my soul so that my flesh may come into line!
Reveal to me what is locking me up! What am I hiding from????
Oh God, my KEEPER, my FATHER, my SAVIOR.......Holy Spirit....come!
What a truly terrific weekend! Saturday was so full of the presence of the Holy Spirit, and I have been just peppered with nudges to record the details of the day ever since! One question comes to my mind.....why has it taken me two days to do so???? So I analyze EVERYTHING anyway, and all I could come up with is another question..... Who are you writing it for? Honestly, I have been considering how to make the post attractive to a potential reader should I eventually write a book, and I have been feeling a sense of inability to do so. That has been the devil's plot to keep me from writing, and reflecting on that thought has revealed to me the reasoning behind my 'distance' from my site most recently. What did you do at the beginning, self? I just wrote. Well....then do that again!
So Saturday began with a conscious awareness of the spiritual growth within myself that has taken place, which was revealed to me during reflection of the day my hubby gave up his freedom. Saturday was the 3 year anniversary of that day so it was fresh on the 'thought-train'. The weather outside was the perfect 'poster-child' setting for uplifting the mood anyway (thank You Jesus), so I opened the backdoor and took advantage while I did my Saturday morning chores. My mood seemed to improve by the millisecond, and before I knew it, I was "freshened up the walls"! The plan for this day had been to take the boys fishing on my friend's stock-tank in hopes that my girlfriend's son would be able to be included in the day. Which was a 1 in 25 ratio of possibility due to current and past circumstance (and DID happen by the way - ANOTHER thank You, Jesus) So I consider it to be a miracle in itself that the Lord blessed us with perfect fishing weather so that our plan could come to fruition (rarely happens FOR ANYONE I presume.....or if it does.....people rarely talk about it! LOL) My son stayed with grandma on Friday night, so my girlfriend and I caught the noon meeting on Saturday. Noon meetings have RARELY been a let-down...and this one MOST DEFINITELY met my expectations! The topic was 'hope' and 'courage', and I was able to share on the miracle of me being so peaceful and hopeful on the topic of my husband's incarceration, and the personal growth that I attributed it to (ANOTHER thank You, Jesus)! After the meeting we picked up my son and visited with my mom for a few. She shared about the tremendous overnight and morning that they had shared (MORE feelings of gratitude!!!). The day was not yet halfway gone, and there was so much already to be grateful for! On route towards our destination, we received the news of my girlfriend's son joining us for the day of fishing, a HUGE God wink for anyone who is a part of her life path! We praised God ALL the way to the fishing hole, where the day BOOMED into EVEN BETTER! We laughed and caught fishes (BIG ONES TOO), we radiated a joyful noise in our interactions with each other and the moment we were in! There just is NO WAY feasible to recap the atmosphere that surrounded us with any kind of accuracy. A rain cloud pushed us to a close to the fishing chapter of the day, but DID NOT put a close to the joy AT ALL. Minus the calls to get my friend's son back to their camp with a sense of urgency, I just have no complaints for sure! My man-friend taught me how to clean the fishes and prepare them for the skillet (Another flag for the gratitude column)! Time just seemed to wiz right on by, and before we knew it, it was time to bring the day to a close. That was truly the ONLY point of discontent that I can recall. Just one of those 'necessary evils' lol! Hard to believe that life was ANY other way than it was today! (The BIGGEST gratitude flag of all!) Life is good, thank You Jesus!
Father God, what Joy overflows from my cup as I recall my Saturday! It will be hard to top this day, HUMANLY anyway! I look to the future with expectation and a grateful heart as You have promised EVEN better days to come! In Jesus' name Amen!
Three years ago today my husband signed the plea agreement and was taken away. I remember like it was yesterday, every vivid detail about that emotional day! I sat up at that courthouse ALL day long waiting to hug him goodbye. Now here we are, 3 years ALREADY into the journey! So much has changed inside of me during this separation. I have grown more appreciative for my husband. I have realized a lot of things that I took for granted, and a WHOLE lot of things where I definitely needed some improvement! I couldn't see those things before. I was so consumed with trying to change him, when the whole time, it was ME that I needed to change. Yea sure, my husband has some areas where he could improve also. We ALL do! I can't believe that I really used to think that "if I could change A,B, and C about him....THEN I'd be happy!" Man! Was that a warped perspective! I am so thankful for this time to come to my senses.....to 'awaken'! I have no control over when my husband will come home, but I do pray that it is sooner than later. Not knowing....ugh! That is the biggest hurdle in life I think. What I do know.....God is working ALL things for our good! Until that blessed day when my husband comes home, I will wait in expectation. I will be ready! I will have 'oil in my lamp'! :)
Father God, in the MIGHTY name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, I am listening for the 'knock at the door'! I wait in expectation of my husband coming home! I stand on Your promises! Keep me in Your strength and Your power! Amen
-2 Corinthians 4:6
Okay, so I really haven't been attentive AT ALL to writing what has been going on lately! Truth is, there is just so much to write about and too many synchronicities to count! One topic comes to mind.....Elvis! Yep, Elvis Presley comes to mind, and let me tell you why. It begins with an overnight that my youngest son had at his grandmother's house a couple of months ago now. Well, for me it actually began shortly before Valentine's day while I was going through some balloon inventory at my friend's house. She has a balloon business, and my son and I were at her house brainstorming and tossing around business ideas. This was before she was able to get her own helium tank and we were having to pay a local store to have the balloons filled. Having no means of transportation at the time, I offered to take a handful with me to have inflated on my way home. A wrinkled balloon fell out of a box of odds and ends that caught my son's attention. The image on this Valentine's balloon was a picture of Elvis Presley with the words: 'Love me tender', Remembering the evening shortly before at grandmother's house, where he and she were enjoying some old Christian rock by Mr. Presley.....he pipes out: "Elvis!? I know Elvis!" After sharing about his evening with his grandma, he insisted that: "This balloon is for my grandma!" I work with 'grandma', so on Valentine's day I delivered the balloon to her at the office, where it was on display for the next couple of weeks! Our family is BIG on 'meaning', or maybe all families are that way, but I can only speak from what I know. And I know that we are fine-tuned when it comes to the little things especially. I can recall as a child, my mom would always write me little messages all over with precious little reminders of the special moments we have had! So it came as no surprise that her little grandson would be so very thoughtful in preparing her valentine! Our family takes great joy in spreading seeds of love, and doing it in Jesus' name, and once a month we take that joy to a homeless shelter in our local community. My mom has much experience in teaching of the scriptures, and was invited to give the message a couple of months ago, and has been doing so ever since. We plan the topics together, well I am her practice audience, and I give my perspective. The last time she had mentioned her feeling like she should close with reading some lyrics from an Elvis Presley song. When she read the words to me, initially I felt that the words were "a little too deep". So we decided to opt out at that point in time. That evening, when she was giving her talk, I was feeling such a tug towards the end to shout out "Nevermind....DO Elvis!", but I resisted and simply prayed that God would tell her for me. And He did! She had a change of heart too, and closed with the lyrics! Afterward a lady came up to my mother in tears, thanking her for the good words, and especially the Elvis song! Apparently, her grandfather had played on stage with Elvis, and it was one of her fondest memories! God knew that woman would be there that night! He knew that through 'Elvis', He could speak to her heart!
Father God, in the mighty name of Jesus, thank You for those silent nudges that cause Your great power to flow! Guide me always to know and hear Your voice! Amen
It has been a few days since I had an opportunity to sit down and write. Certainly not for lack of topic either! We have been busy busy at work, and also on the home front. Let's see.....so last Saturday began in a broken place, and through MUCH prayer and meditation, the day ended on the flip side of the coin! LOVE THAT! Thank You, Holy Spirit power! Got some things accomplished in the back yard (finally). The building out back has been sitting and rotting due to all the rain over the last several years, and the lack of interest/attention on my part! So rather than continue to beat myself up for not FEELING like doing anything about it, and therefore caving to my flesh all these years.....I took action! Well.....the Holy Spirit in me took action! I also took care of some random things that have been robbing me of my joy far too long: cleaning off the back patio, digging up the remaining rotted banana tree-stumps....etc. Then caught a noon meeting looking like a homeless person with messy hair and dirty jeans (to match my mindset j/k)....Lol. By mid-afternoon, I was feeling accomplished, and GRATEFUL for the answered prayer of desperation that morning! Finalizing the day with the Blue and Gold Banquet for cub scouts with my 'PEEPS', was the perfect way to finish! Good food, fellowship, and awards go well together! Sunday's service and sermon couldn't have been more PERFECT this side of Heaven, we are a few services in to discussion on the Holy Spirit and being good 'host' there of. Which made me all the more grateful and able to see evidence of 'good hosting' in action the day before. :) Before service, one of my sweet sisters in Christ, gave an 'off-grid' sermon of her own. (a sermon before a sermon, lol) Nothing compares to the freestyle flowing of the Holy Spirit, and may I say with BOLDNESS.... she has an anointing FOR SURE! After church, I spent the afternoon with the boys, momma (aka GRANDmother), and my oldest son's new girlfriend! We ate, played some ski ball, and watched a movie. Was a great ending to a blessed weekend!
Father God, in the name of Jesus, thank You for providing relief for my broken state! Thank You for gifting us all with Your Holy Spirit power! Thank You for patience while I cave to those fleshly moments! I love You and adore You with ALL of my heart! Amen!
-Ecclesiastes 5:2
Feeling some feelings today, I am!
Sorrowful...broken...more willing to stand!
Thought I'd had my day planned out!
But things shifted for me...I scream! Oh I shout!
I am crying for God! He says He will listen.
I need so much more than what I've been given!
I hear the voice inside saying the season is up!
Discomfort... it's flooding... into my cup!
To be alone with Him...ALL I desire
I look around me at chaos...all dealt in my power!
These hands! Oh this flesh! Get up! Make things happen!
Urgent....yet peaceful...not by my action!
I have been fighting the bit...time to repent!
Oh, my God, please FILL me again!
I cannot believe it is already March! So far we are off to a good start! I feel a shift in my thinking, and I am grateful! Yesterday was beautiful out, the sun was shining both outside and inside my heart, and now another day of much the same! Doing a bit of research today on Parole Attorneys, and the benefits of having their services. I am learning that they can be quite helpful in the parole review process, yet I am a bit apprehensive about making the call to inquire of fees and such. Time to pull out my big girl pants again I guess! Lol I am a bit of a recluse, so 'selling' or case again, kinda freaks me out! That is usually a pretty good indicator that there is an opportunity for some growth in that area of my life. Let it be known, that: "I declare and decree right here and now.... this post to be a written agreement to myself, to make the call right away on Monday!"
Father God, in the name of Jesus Christ, help me to make good decisions. And Father, help me to carry out the decisions I make with action! Amen
2/26/2018.
-Pouring rain out on the road, we set off towards the visit.
I'm 'co-pilot' in the Dodge, just tryin' somethin' different.
-Been 8 months since we saw ya last, time got away from us.
Permission slips and job schedules....delayed....once cuz the 'mumps'.
-I think I miss you....walls up...I've been so numb to pain!
Will it be a struggle in our marriage for me to feel again?
-Faithful I have been ALL the days that you've been gone.
And faithful I will be despite the road that seems so long!
-It's peaceful on the way, worship music playing loud!
A softness in my spirit... I am grateful there's no crowd!
-Good company.. Jesus, my son, and I... walls?..... no longer block my vision.
Thank You, Father for releasing me from my mind-created prison!
-They must have fallen down while I was singing praise to You!
Funny how I get so lost in all there is to DO!
-How quickly I forget...yet how quickly I recall...
My help comes from the Lord...Maker of it ALL!
-We are at halfway on our journey....sunshine greets our day,
It's beautiful....the view....that we see along the way!
-We meet again...no time seems lost. A BIG hug and cheerful smile.
and has us laughing without delay ....that's always been his 'style'!
-Our visit passed by so quickly...time again to say goodbye.
This time seems so much different...more peacefulness inside.
-We watch you walk back to your building as we drive away.
waving arms wide at each other, and feeling grateful for the day!
Today I went with my son's 3rd grade class to Georgetown, Tx. We toured the Inner- Space Caverns, and did a 'rock dig' for rare gemstones! It was really interesting, I have never seen anything like that....at least that I can recall anyway. I am so very fortunate to have a job that allows me to participate in experiences like this with my boys. I was amazed at how many students were there without any parent participant! Call me a helicopter-mom perhaps, but I do not believe I would have permitted my son to travel that distance without me yet. Maybe it is because of what all our family has been through, or maybe it is the times that we are living in.... Either way, as a parent, I am NOT there yet! lol There were 3 major accidents, and 1 road-side drug bust that added an extra hour and a half to the commute back home! I kept thinking...."if I were at the other end waiting on the bus....I would be freaking out right now!" By the time we got back, my son and I were arguing about which one of us was grumpier! :) Tomorrow we were planning to go see Daddy in Colorado City, Tx. (4 hours the opposite direction). My son announced that he was "opting out" of the trip tomorrow. He said: "NO MORE CAR PLEASE!" So, looks like it's me and my oldest son tomorrow. We need the one on one anyway. He is practically grown and out on his own. Who knows how many more of these little trips we will have together! I look forward to times when it will be IMPOSSIBLE for him to stare at his cellphone the entire time we are together (he is driving) Heh heh heh! Hey, ya gotta play the cards right to get a little quality time.... (shhhhh)! Well, I am going to throw a load of laundry in and hit the sack. Up early.....probably have more to write about tomorrow. :) Can't wait to see my husband! It has been 8 months since our last visit!!!
The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand! I'm saved to preach the 'truth'!
To encourage one another, not divide, protest, or be cruel!
Upside down and backwards....inside out and broken...
the world is full of chaos....filth and hatred....all that's spoken!
Are we nearest to the end? Soon see Jesus face to face?
No more sorrow, no more tears... PERFECTION once in place!
Oh! When the light gets brighter....darkness gone....
Forever...PARADISE! We'll sing our NEW song!
-James 1:2-4
Today, my oldest son is giving me a hard time. He is 17, and he is acting like a toddler in order to drive me bonkers! I will say: He has been rather successful. Lol I am attempting to get some things accomplished on this day (key word- attempting). We did get my younger son's bedroom somewhat picked up. The only area of 'dissonance' still yet remaining are the soap shavings that have worked there way into the pores of his dresser! Ugh! Oh, and possibly the pieces of drum set that are still left to find. Who knows, maybe they were used as parts to some random project laying in the backyard or something. I am in need of a meeting today, my mental state is the opposite of where I would typically be! In fact, I think I will finish this post later..... the problem is NOT in my surroundings! The problem is in my own mind! Meeting bound.......
Okay, so I sowed a few action seeds that required me to make some amends before leaving the meeting today. No need to recap my mindset and the ways I chose to act on them. Just let it be known that with the help of my loving higher power, I was able to repent almost immediately! Thank You Jesus! In fact the very man that was in need of receiving my amends, was the one God used to speak to me through. The message I left there with: I have been blind! When Eve was approached in the garden of Eden by the serpent to doubt God, she gave in to temptation. When she made the decision to act on her own will, rather than the will of God, she became spiritually blind. And likewise, so did Adam. Why else would they have hidden when they heard God's voice??? They could no longer 'see' him. They were blinded by the sin in their lives. I am afraid to say, but I need to do so, I have been blinded by selfishness in my own life! I have been making everything else about me, operating in my own power, and reaping the weed filled harvest of my own thinking! I have had an "I've got this" mentality. I have been trying too hard to make things happen in my own timing, and in the mean time, suffering MAJOR burnout!
Father God, in the mighty mighty name of Jesus Christ, thank You for showing me the way! Help me to be strong in Your strength, not on my own! I love You! Amen
-Deuteronomy 30:14
2/15/2018
This morning I was praying and I heard very clearly that the word is within me! I must awaken the power that I already have living inside my heart and soul! Too often I pray as if God is somewhere else, and He needs me to pray the 'proper' words or something in order to draw Him in. Nope, I heard Him say LOUD and CLEAR....GOOD MORNING, I LOVE YOU! When I heard those powerful words, something inside me unlocked! I have heard this preached and been told by others around me, and even thought that I believed this in my spirit. I realized today that before this morning, I didn't truly believe it! I have been working the 12 steps via a Christian 12 step program here recently, and currently I am on step 4. (Taking an inventory of my past) Last night I began listing ALL the unhealthy soul ties that I can remember, and I will probably be working this section for a little while. When I am certain in my inner-self that the list is complete, I intend to burn it. I feel like this IS, has been, and WILL BE an important and essential experience in my growth process. I am grateful for this new awaking!
Father God, in the mighty name of Jesus, I thank You for leading me to this place today! I am asking for a thorough inventory of ALL ties that need to be broken from my past! I thank You for forgiveness for giving my heart away, and thus taking from my love for You! Restore me to the complete creation You intended me to be! Amen!
-Mark 12:30-31
Love for your neighbor....love for yourself! The greatest command is LOVE!
It covers a multitude of sin, and Jesus' love is more than enough!
We serve a God that calls us "friend"! We are made in the likeness of Him!
Be a friend to someone today! Smile at others! That is what Jesus did!
This life has so much hurting and pain! No need to contribute to it!
Spread the message of love today, it is a precious gift!
Talked to my brother today. :) It was nice to re-connect with that part of my world! Too much time passes between our conversations, and when we talk I realize how much I miss my family. I tend to 'stuff' that portion of my feelings because of the distance between our geographical locations on this earth. By making that statement I am not at all suggesting that feeling-stuffing is a healthy way to be! It is just a behavior pattern that needs some attention that I have come to notice in recovery. God shows me those areas I need to work on! Now....for the action part....that's on me! Back to my brother.... We had a really nice talk today. We were sharing about how we are both noticing that we have the tendency to get ourselves in a bit of a panic mode when either of us cannot get in touch with mom or dad, and how we tend to assume the 'worst' when this is the case. We joked about how that must be a hereditary thing or something! Lol My brother was my father figure growing up, so I think some of my behavior patterns came from him! Either way, healthy or unhealthy, identifying with my big bro made me forget for a little while how isolated I have become! Isn't it crazy how I would by default, prefer isolation over 'missing'!? It really makes absolutely no sense at all, as isolation causes a great deal of pain too! Okay self here we go....over thinking again (i'm pretty good at that)! Breathe!
We were pretty busy at work today, so the day was over in about 5 seconds! Finished my day with a couple of Beth Moore sermons while I went on my walk. I remember at the beginning of my 'spiritual walk' I was extremely fond of Beth Moore EVERYTHING! Her faith inspired me so much, and it was kinda cool today to remember back over that time in my journey! I feel very blessed to have been able to stay clean and grow so much over these several years. That gives me encouragement and hope to continue on and persevere into the future!
Father God, thank You for days like these, when I can find so much gratitude for the small things that transform into mighty miracles! I love You and pray for continuing growth as my faith deepens! In Jesus' name, Amen!
-Psalm 37:37
My emotions have been all over the map the last few days! Up, down, round and round..... but I know where to turn in my time of trouble! The joy of the Lord IS my strength!! Praise God that I am no longer a slave to what goes on in my mind! I choose where I dwell today! There may be pain in the night, but joy always comes in the morning. Heard a great sermon while I was walking this afternoon. The topic was hearing God in the 'silence'. In fact the title he gave to the sermon was "the silent sermon". The example the speaker used to begin his point of discussion was the 'looper pedal' his worship leader uses during worship. If you aren't familiar with what a looper pedal is, I will explain. A looper has the ability to record a beat or portion of sounds that aren't available when there is only one live musician participating in the song. It is called a 'looper' because it continuously plays back what was recorded over and over again. Some pedals can record several different sounds for playback simultaneously, giving the illusion that there is more than one musician playing during the song. The point the preacher was trying to make, is that though we may not be playing out loud what is going on in our minds, we have thoughts that are looping back simultaneously at any given moment. Those thoughts (or loops) exhibit a 'silent sermon' that can be played out in our behavior and actions. We do not even have to speak out loud any words at all to present a 'sermon'. Sometimes just our actions alone tell a story. The question he was setting the stage to ask was: What loop am I stuck in today? What's playing over and over in my mind? He said the one man band in our heads can sometimes make a different sound, but end of story it is always the same tune of "me, me, me..." . When we are stuck in the loop of me-me-me's, we cannot hear the sound of the spirit. He used the story of Elijah. In the story Elijah is trying to hear God's voice. He listened in the storm and the noise and all the 'loops' that were playing all around. It was not until the sound was cut on the 'pedal' that the voice of the almighty could be heard! God's wisdom, His spirit, is NOT found in any earthly/fleshly dwelling. His voice is heard when we rise above the noise, above the distraction..... that is where He speaks! In the sweetness of His 'silent sermon'........that is where the true peace that surpasses ALL human understanding can be found! Lately I have allowed myself to fall into the repetitive loop of worry and negativity! I allowed myself to be hurt by circumstances of which I have no control! I can't control others, but I do have the power to control the pedal in MY mind! I am the D.J. of the playlist in my mind! Time to reset the loop!
Father God, in the mighty name of Jesus Christ, thank You for the clear message You send when I ask! Thank You for the tools of recovery that You have blessed me with! Thank You that I do not have to control anyone else's decisions! Help me to display a silent sermon that only glorifies You! In Jesus' name Amen!
2/3/2018
It breaks my heart to see the pain. To know what's really going on!
I understand the 'words', the 'stories'...they all simply go along!
Been in that place myself, and witnessed others too many times to count!
I've watched aware and vigilant far too long....that I no longer doubt!
I do not second guess that voice inside as to whether or not it's truth!
I have clear eyes to 'see'....... when 'tino' has got his gripps on you!
I see his wicked game, the patterns, the 'plays', the lies!
Oh, the pain I feel for you! It makes my spirit cry!
The friend I know behind the veil...the one that's held behind the 'mask'....
I miss with ALL my heart and soul! Oh won't you please come back!
Oh deadly demon of addiction, in Jesus' name, be gone!
You have tried so hard to rob from me, but your power......it's ALL wrong!
It's upside down and backwards, it's painful tho it's fake!
In Jesus' name, I rebuke EVERY step you try to take!
Today my friend that I have been writing about was baptized! Her father and step mother came to support her on this special day! :) She brought some balloons to put up front near the baptismal trough. My friend's grandmother (a christian woman who without doubt spent a good bit of time praying for her) left her balloon business to her when she passed. My friend has big dreams to get the business rolling again once she gets her life back into order! So when she brought the "Baptism" balloons, I suggested she put them up front and maybe nudge the pastor a bit with her capabilities. The rest of us found a table and sat down. When she came back to sit with us, I told her: "it's your job to plant the seed! leave the rest to God". She smiled and began to dig into the bag she had along with her. She pulled out a pink t-shirt, and told me she had no idea she even had this shirt until today. She had picked the shirt to be baptized in! On it..... "if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” -Matthew 17:20 We all looked at each other and began to share the biggest smile! Isn't God great!? But just in case we may have a partial doubt or two...my friend's father, whom does not have a whole lot to say that i have seen anyway, looked as though he had just drawn the 'deer in headlights' card in the game of charades! He begins to share that: "this morning, I was listening to Joel Osteen! His sermon was about having a 'mustard-seed' of faith!" Thanks, God! ....for the undeniable triple-wink we ALL just caught! The 'mustard-seed' was just the beginning of a truly AWESOME day of worship, celebration, food, and fellowship!
Father God, thank You for my friend! Thank You that she is push-able today! Please continue to guide her down the 'narrow path'! In Jesus' name Amen!
The time is NOW to be revealed God's fresh plan for me!
I BOLDLY announce that Jesus IS Lord! In Him I can do ALL things!
The Holy Spirit power carries me! Authority it brings!
The hows and whys....they matter not! Perfect trust in Him!
To qualify and ready me for what I am walking in!
Oh Father, how I thank Thee! You are, You will, You were....
Always with me! Always good! You are righteous You are pure!
Amen
1/23/2018
Just noticed something as I typed the date for today: 1/23 (1,2,3). Details like that have ALWAYS jumped out at me! Even as a little girl, I recall being fascinated by numbers, signs, and symbols! I have nothing more to add on the '1,2,3' that just jumped out at me....well, other than the obvious rhyme! 123.....Jumped out at me! Lol Hey, that's how my mind works.... matter-o-fact think I'll write a poem instead.....
Order makes my abstract mind to be more at ease!
Sequence without fragment...that SO pleases me!
More than that?! Add a rhyme into the mix,
and I'm like an addict who's just got their 'fix'!
Wasn't quite sure today... what to write about!
Oh, precious, precious self.....why do you ever doubt?!
Your God provides ALL of your needs....do you not recall?!
Call on Him for EVERYTHING! No matter how big or small!
Thank you, thank you, 1.... 2 .....3,
for just jumping.... out at me!
I have a dear friend and sister that is struggling with the dis-'ease' of addiction. Stepping out and moving forward into the foreign lands of recovery is NOT easy at first. Its darned right uncomfortable and extremely ackward to walk blindly out into the unknown! I speak from experience, so its hard not to get frustrated with her because I KNOW there is a better way! I speak also with authority today as a child of God whom has charted 4+ years now on the path of an addict's 'resistance'! What I mean when I mention the word 'resistance', is just that! For an addict, the normal state IS: a state of 'using'. And going even deeper... human beings in general, have a natural default setting to take the path of 'least resistance'. This walk with her has got me revisiting the conditions surrounding disease itself! The textbook definition of the word disease is: a particular abnormal condition that affects part or all of an organism not caused by external force and that consists of a disorder of a structure or function, usually serving as an evolutionary disadvantage. I don't care who you are, call yourself "addict" or not, we have ALL been born into this world with an inherited desire to sin or, 'use'. Our parents, Adam and Eve, corrupted God's "perfect system" in the very beginning! So to me, it makes sense to say that as human beings, OUR normal state in this world is SIN! To be CLEAR, I said "normal" not "natural". And to avoid any confusion, I looked up the definition of natural and normal. Natural: existing in or caused by nature; not made or caused by humankind. Normal: conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected. I also looked up the definition of sin: an immoral act considered to be a transgression against divine law. Since we were ALL created by the Almighty Creator, Jehovah God, the source of divine law to begin with.... I say with assurance, to sin is NOT natural! In the chain of command and order of things, would it not make sense to also say that OUR predecessors or parents (Adam and Eve) WOULD be the ones responsible for setting the new (as in, NOT God's) 'normal'?! We are all suffering from the same dis-'ease' in one form or fashion! As long as we are in this world, we are ALL walking this path of resistance TOGETHER! It IS abnormal for us ALL to NOT 'use'/sin! Scripture tells us to resist! James 4:7- Submit to God, resist the devil, and he will flee from you! Scripture also tells us to not be normal, and it also tells us why! Romans 12:2- Do not conform to the pattern of this world (it's normal), but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (to walk in a state of His perfect 'ease'!). How do we do this?????? Scripture tells us that too! 2 Corinthians 5:7- For we live by FAITH, not by sight! The definition of faith: complete trust or confidence in someone or something. Faith in whom???? This world and all it has to offer???? NO THANKS ! I choose to put my faith in THE loving Jehovah God, THE Creator of all things good and pure and perfect! Once we have learned this what is there left to do????? Scripture tells us to BE the light in this dark world.....
Father God, in the name of Jesus, help me to be patient with my friend! Help me to be Your light in her darkness! Help me to continue to walk by faith and not by sight, so that the fruits of this may be evidence for Your glory! Help her to boldly and courageously walk the path of "world-resistance"! Amen!
There is a tune playing in my heart! It makes my spirit dance!
With love and celebration I raise my eyes and hands!
As I hum the song aloud, the power of Him arrives!
Jesus takes my hand... Jesus restores my mind!
I love the childlike atmosphere I find surrounding me!
It gives me that joyful spirit that lifts and leaps with glee!
Oh, thank You "precious Jesus" for making me like a child!
Cuz it is only in this place that I may come alive!
Like the flower that was wilted...receiving a fresh drink!
The Holy Spirit power rushing over me!
1/16/2018
Today my 'little boy' turned 9 years old! Gosh, I can still remember when I was 9! I actually remember thinking how exciting it was that I was almost in the "double digits"! As I am writing this, I just happen to glance up at a photo on the wall from my wedding day. My oldest son was 10 in that picture. Wow! I know this is cliche but.... time really does go by so quickly! Today was a quiet day, it was and still is.... bitter cold outside! We had some freezing rain and a bit of snow over the night last night, so school was cancelled. That decision to call off school was a bit overboard, but the boys didn't seem at all disappointed. We spent the day inside playing Bingo and Jenga, and just enjoying each other's company. My little birthday boy is growing into a fine young man! He loves games and experiments, climbing, and recently interested in archery. Actually, for the amount of time he has spent shooting arrows....he is pretty darned good at it! I guess the textbook term to describe best his ability would most likely be a 'natural'! The bow he uses was an oversized Christmas gift from several years ago that he has finally grown into! So revisiting the instrument has sparked quite the interest! For his birthday this year, I got him a matching quiver to hold his arrows and 12 arrows to add to his arms. Sometimes he can be a challenge to please as his interests can be sometimes fleeting. So, this time upon opening my gift, his response melted my heart: "Oh momma, this is really a great gift!" followed by: "thank you that it's NOT a guitar!" (box size suggested that idea in his mind). After shooting a few new arrows to be sure they "would work", he opened the gift from grandma. A microscope including supplies to preform scientific- experiments and analysis! (Right up his alley). So, as I am recording the event, there is shrimp-brine brewing in the petri dish on my kitchen counter! He has already suggested adding some "salt so they would be more comfortable"! Oh my! I have a feeling 2018 is about to get pretty interesting!
Father God, in the name of Jesus, thank You for this day! Thank You for the blessing of just being together! Thank You for my son's curious mind! Guide us step by step into our destiny! And Father, keep safe the shrimp (and momma)! Amen
For 4 years now, I have been walking this path of recovery. On this path I have been searching. Not searching for a way out of the mess I am in, like I had been for many years before..... Searching for my 'purpose'. Taking each step with my newly found freedom of choice! A freedom that I had been blessed with that day God raptured me from death! The drugs had me and I had 'accepted' that, but God had bigger plans for me! He knew my brokenness. He knew my mindset. He knew my desperation! And most importantly, He knew my heart was 'willing'! It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life; a moment like none other! Not just a memory, as memories fade with time. It was an awakening! In that 'divine' moment that He had predestined for me.... in the middle of my 'shaking'.... I knew! I knew that "I was done", I knew that "I was free", I knew that "I would make it"! For the first time in my life, I knew! I remember that perfect peace that I felt on that day....in that moment. A smile formed on my face; a smile I had never known before! It was as if my heart was smiling so big that it not only shaped my face another way, it was as if my very soul was smiling! He put a new song in my mouth -Psalm 40:3a that day. And for the first time, I saw and feared the Lord and put my trust in Him! -Psalm 40:3b Jesus came into my heart that day, and the Holy Spirit began to do a work in me! Each day since then, I have a different walk. For 4 years I have been walking with Him. I have been forming this relationship that would bring healing and hope: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11 A '9-11' call that has brought meaning into my life. And with that fear and hope driving in my life today, I have experienced so much more. That more gives me a passion for.....yep....more! Has it been all roses and butterflies? No, it has been work....vigilant work. Every day I make a decision to follow this path He has been taking me. A decision to strive for eternity. A decision to let go of the world! Yet that meaning and purpose I long for while I am still in this world, is still a yearning I have. That need in my life today has thrown at me question and doubt on occasion. As I read through my past posts, I see so much evidence of conflict in my heart. I see pain and struggles, fears and worries. Am I still on the right path? Have a missed my calling? Have I fallen out of His grace? He saved me.....but for what? The enemy has thrown dart after dart on my journey into light. He calls me "food addict", he calls me "phony christian", he calls me "ungodly", and a host of other lies! Those names are nothing new, I recall them as long as I can remember! The difference today lays in my belief or unbelief for that matter! The shift in my perception has happened gradually, every day, a little stronger! I see that now. That yearning, that hoping, that fearing on this walk..... I feel that my harvest is on the horizon! The feeling is so intense, that I get goosebumps on my knee-caps! I was not aware that was even possible, but tell you with confident testimony... it's true! God has put the the words "for NOW" on my heart and in every cell in this body! What does this mean???? That doesn't matter, and I say that with a boldness I have never known! I am a 'words' person, and am in struggle to find any accurate enough to complete this post on a literal level. So... landing my thoughts here: There IS an army rising up to break every chain, and I AM part of that army In Jesus' name!
In the 'stillness' I find joy! My heart leaps with praise!
I worship Him even on the downest days.
There IS power in the name of Jesus to...
step out in faith in ALL you do!
THE guiding light; THE shining star!
His glory...His goodness..present near and far!
Feelings come, they change, they part!
But the word of God ....lives in my heart!
Happy New Year! It is the first day of 2018, and I can feel the flooding of the Holy Spirit washing over. People are 'waking up', they are coming alive! God is "making everything new"! Yesterday was Sunday, and it happened to also be the last day of the year. I started the day on my treadmill doing praise and worship! It was such an intense experience that I nearly fell into the wall. I began to pray and rejoice for what I felt God doing, and I began thanking him as if it were already done! There is one specific prayer that I have been praying during the last few weeks of this year. I have been interceding for a very dear and old friend from the past. She and I have had communications off and on for about a year or so after a pause of about 4 years. I had to detach myself from the old ways and people, and unfortunately she happened to be one of those people. But God had been whispering in my ear as I passed by her house on my way home from work for many months before we actually reached out to each other. I wanted to be certain that the nudge I was feeling was indeed from the Lord, and not some unhealthy desire of my own for some piece of my past. The nudging continued but was not demanding, and I began to pray... I told Him that I was willing, however, I would only respond in His divine timing. In other words, "God, You will have to set up something without my doings!" Well, He did just that, and little by little over this past year, He has been using me to drop seeds of encouragement into her life! I did these things while still keeping my distance. I couldn't possible know if the seeds were falling on 'def' ears or not, but I just wasn't willing to participate in the 'physical' yet. Well, fast forward to yesterday morning again. I was in deep worship....the whole nine yards... giddy, joyful, excited about this moment! Knowing a major outbreak of the supernatural was at hand. I called my friend and left a voicemail inviting her to church again! Some time lapsed with no response so I left it alone. But I heard this voice, LOUDER this time...."Call her again!" I thought, "Now, God, I don't wanna come on to strong, this is delicate!" The voice: STILL THERE "It's time! Call her again!" So I did, and with no answer AGAIN I left another voicemail.... I did not hear back and the voice had stopped so I went about my morning: Getting ready for church and TRYING to get the boys out of bed LOL! Normally I would have already been up there well before service, but this time I was meeting with every hurdle imaginable it seemed. So now it is 13 minutes before service starts, and I am just leaving the house. The phone rings.....it's her! She tells me she "wants to go to church today!" I drove straight to her house without even thinking twice! It was so out of character for me to be that spontaneous especially when the possibility of showing up late was at hand! (That's God) In his timing, we made it ON TIME (of course), and by the end of service..... My friend had accepted Jesus into her heart! It was like witnessing the resurrection itself! Truly one of the MOST beautiful moments of my life! The experiences of seeing His mighty power at work in the physical realm...... Gets me so darned giddy, that I could almost leap to Heaven!
Father God, in the name of Jesus, thank You for these special moments! Thank You for using me for Your work! Thank You for Your love! Please continue to use me to guide my friend and others to You! Amen
12/29/2017
Still doing battle with myself! The battle seems to continue while I am also asleep. I have been experiencing re- occurring dreams that include people from my childhood. I am realizing that I still have quite a few resentments towards others, and for no apparent reason other than my own insecurities! A specific part of the dream I had last night has got my attention: I remember looking down at my hand, and seeing that my wedding ring was broken. Suddenly all of the diamonds fell out of the ring and landed along the wall on the floor. I locate a bag to pick up the pieces, but when I go back to the place they had fallen, there is trash and the place had been disrupted. I had to lift the carpet and sift through the garbage, but I did locate all the diamonds that had fallen out. This morning, I have been researching what this all could possibly mean. I am finding that this type of dream is associated with "working out problems, and happiness in life." Because the dream included people from my childhood that caused me pain (though unmerited), my spirit seems to accept the findings of my search. Where do I go from here? How do I tap in to something apparently so rooted within me?
Father God, in the name of Your son, Jesus, please help me peel through this! It is freedom I desire, and I know that true freedom only comes from You! I lay this dream at the foot of the cross. I can't do this on my own. I love You and trust You with all my 'cares'! In Jesus' name, amen!
(Last night's dream...)
I see a light brightly shining! With the feathery feeling I embrace the moment with my soul!
It carries me up and lifts me high..... to see the valley down below.
With magnificent power not of my own, I am learning to experience this 'peace'!
My stubbornness departs, I am floating within, what freedom, oh!..... that carries me!
At first I feel embarrassed...... to be exposed.... to be upright and levitating in the physical realm.
but then.....I am grateful....I smile as I fly in front of the eyes of so many 'men'.
Suddenly I am at a school....all ages....not just among my peers.
Others begin to embrace my gift...no longer a spectacle....I have faced my fears!
The day draws to a close, exchanges are had, I depart on a journey uphill.
This time in a car...it is driving with speed! Though my spirit...appears to be 'still'.
I awake from my dream, I sense still incomplete. The 'task' remains to be faced.
Will I remember the words and the visions I saw while I experienced that place???
Feels like something was missed; a message flashed quickly....I recall the letters: O and N.
And a flash of a symbol for whatever reason I knew meant 'Enlightenment'.....
Through the rhymes of a poem and flow of the sounds....I regain the memories once lost!
Thank You, Father, for putting 'life' into words, and all that manifests... because!
Father God, in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, please show me what I'm being shown! And bless me with the courage and strength to be the messenger! Help me to internalize the all encompassing experience you designed for me! Father, do not let me miss anything You have for me! Amen
A shift is happening in my life. I can sense a big change, and a major transformation of our family. It is time for 'something different'. Am I ready? Have I been prepared; or am I going to find myself in a state of chaos again in order to bring about what is vital? Oh, God, I pray that my flesh will follow suit! My spirit IS ready! Patience has in the past been a stumbling block for me, but this 'process' has empowered me in that area of my life. Even to this day, the 'addict' within me wants things to happen immediately! No lasting change of any value happens overnight! I have to remind myself of the 'oak tree vs. mushroom' analogy...... What is it that I desire? Am I envisioning myself strong like the giant oak tree? Or perhaps I'd prefer a comparison to the mushroom that gets squashed under toe? True, the mushroom grows very quickly, but I think I would rather be the oak that weathers any storm!
Father God, in the mighty name of Jesus, I pray for enlightenment! Thank You for instilling in me a solid vision for my life! May whatever lay ahead bring You ALL the glory! Amen
I hear Your message this morning, my God! Keep my feet planted on solid ground!
On this, day 1,434, I am "above and not beneath"! I am no longer 'bound'!
You are "the way, the truth, and the light", I choose the path You lay before me!
My heart's desire...no thing more than to be with You in eternity!
Like Abraham who received Your blessing, give me the faith like him.
To know and trust without doubt the same God he trusted in!
I love You Lord, with a thankful heart I am grateful for Your son!
Who came and died on that cross to free the souls of men!
The world is changing at such a rapid pace, and I am alarmed at how easily I can become distracted by most anything. I have no doubt noticed all of the physical evidence that we are in the last days spoken of in Revelation. Yet....even MORE than that, I can feel the heaviness and the intensity of the spirit realm! It is a constant pressure on my soul, almost like mind control trying to take over my flesh in the hopes of taking ALL of me! I even see strange behavior changes in my dogs that have caused me to question the source..... I have heard that animals are sensitive to the spirit realm at a higher intensity than humans. I have no idea if they have a soul like we do, but I'd like to think that at some level they do. The bible speaks of animals being possessed by demons, so wouldn't it make sense that an angelic presence could take residence there too???? Either way, the battle is real! Although I have no scientific evidence or explanation to cite here in support of what I 'know'..... I can attest with assurity that we are in the middle of an all out WAR of + (good) and - (evil) energies like NEVER before!! It is imperative that we stand strong in faith on the basis of the unfailing love of Jesus Christ of Nazareth!
And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a three-stranded cord is not quickly broken. -Ecclesiastes 4:12
Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be like minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. -Philippians 2:2
12/01/2017
December has arrived, and soon it be Christmas day!
We will pile into the living room to open gifts and play!
As a kid it seemed so very long until this was the case.
Now my concept of passing time seems best described as 'race'!
This mornin' as I fixed my son's hair....we were discussing 'length of time'
and how his perception on this day ....completely contrasts mine!
I began my impression of the future him.... goofily walking with a cane,
and speaking with my shaky voice: "check out these wrinkles, Jane!"
He laughed as if that was so far-fetched, and told me I "was weird"!
I assured him that at the "appointed-time", this moment would seem clear!
I giggled myself silly as I recalled my own 'you'll see',
and how my recall of that day....... now clear as it could be.
Day 1420.....getting refocused and recommitted to my recovery today! In Jesus' precious name! I will no longer allow my mind to be taken captive by the spirit of mediocrity! It is all about LOVE, people! Spread the word! :)
Happy Thanksgiving! Sitting here at my kitchen table watching the sun begin to highlight the edges of my banana trees outside the window. My dogs are nestled in together on the area rug folded up that once covered the entire living room. Thinking that it just might become a permanent fixture for a bit, as they seem to have taken a liking to it. I look up every few minutes to be greeted by a tail-tap or two from my Buddy! He is an image of doggy wisdom as he sits at attention almost to appear to be a statue until the movement of his "tail-feather" reminds me otherwise. :) Hmmmm what could he be thinking???? His big brown eyes seem to be telling me that I am the most beautiful owner in town..... Nah! Most likely he is watching my every movement waiting on me to walk to the box of treats on the other side of the room.
So it might seem that I do not have much to write about.....my negative self would say that's true, and I suppose partly it is! But as I take some time to reflect and observe my surroundings, I sure do have a lot to be grateful for! I have spent A LOT of time in this journal writing about my pain, and I am realizing today that anybody can write about what "sucks" in their life......and do it rather easily. But a grateful person will take the time to go 'off road' for a bit, and "enjoy the view"! The boys are on the couch..... little man is rubbing big bubba's back. Wow, three years and one month ago I would have been staring at an empty couch! Now that time has healed that wound....almost seems like it never happened! But the empty spot on that couch is silent reminder that it did! The one date yet still unknown in this story.....the date my husband comes home! Until then, this mountain.....still higher yet from where we stand! Soon time will heal that wound too! This too shall pass....
“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen,since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” -2 Corinthians 4:17-18 I know I can be thankful for that! Another thing that comes to mind.... How bout that exactly 4 months ago, It was still uncertain as to whether or not I was going to be in prison for my crimes of 2014! No more wondering if this will be the last Thanksgiving together for awhile! For THAT I am so grateful! Or to get back to the basics.....1,413 days since I used drugs! Thank You Jesus! Well, my little man is tossing sugary cereal at me, so I think it best that I conclude this entry with.....HAPPY THANKSGIVING.....in Jesus' name!
I have neglected to update my journal lately, but for good reason....I have been writing to my hubby in the morning. Had an impactful conversation at community service last Saturday, and it left me with a feeling of conviction for not writing my husband more often than I do. This man that I spoke with had recently paroled out of prison after serving 9 1/2 years! He painted for me a fairly vivid picture of the importance of 'knowing' your support is still out there! Letters are so important, even if there isn't much to say sometimes. It is the act of taking the time to send something that matters! Message heard, Jesus, and thank You for putting this man in my path!
Yesterday was a good good day! The cub scouts pack met up at the library here in town for the Veteran's Day parade. The boys rode in the army truck again this year, while my friend and I walked the route behind. Part of our parade route required about a 1/4 mile of steep terrain, so when we both made it to the top, we had good reason to smile! :) The route ends at the cemetery memorial built for our local 'fallen'......established in 2006 (l learned of its timeline yesterday). Amazing that it has been a part of our community now this being the 11th year! I felt proud to be an American as I stood with for our nation's anthem, eyes on our magnificent flag, hearing the powerful echo of the trumpet soloist playing the song. And in that moment, a powerful reality, of the freedom we've been handed by the one greatest man that ever was........ the man called Jesus Christ! It's all about 'love'.....Jesus died because He loves us, and these soldiers died because they loved our great country! How's that for a reason to smile!? :)
Father God, in the name of our savior Jesus Christ, thank You for loving us THAT MUCH! Thank You that Your love never wavers! Help me to love like that! Amen!
Today was a beautiful day! Our family shifted from a place of need to that of blessing! We have been facing many trials and tribulations in the field of vehicles and transportation for the last few months. I went from having a license to having been suspended to hardship status. Then, as soon as I am back on the road, my car has several recalls that require immediate attention! My son's car has a complete mind of its own; seems like one issue after another, so he has been relying on others to get to school and work. Oh, and of course, our schedules are conflicting in most areas, with the acception of the the first hour of the day. Ugh! We made it through! Tough times never last, but tough people with a mighty God.... do! Today my car got fixed, and my son purchased his first REAL car! We no longer need to wonder if his car will start in the morning! Thank You Jesus, for providing all our needs, and keeping us sound during the many trials of life! Amen
1,393 days of walking in this wilderness. Who am I? Why am I here? Oh Jesus! Won't You come back soon!?
Dreading the holidays, is that a sin?
Feels like the focus is on what you can get!
Makes me sad to think families struggle,
to make big companies rich buying gifts for the rubble!
The children these days aren't grateful at all,
while God's money we have gets flaunted around.
A competition of sorts to out-do.... it's expected...
Oh God, forgive our nation! It's You we've rejected!
Oh for the strength to be the change!
To turn back to You, and against the grain!
Our world is brain washed, we know not what's right!
My heart is aware, give me courage to fight!
It's not about gifts, it's about gratitude and love!
A celebration of You and Your gifts from above!
Father God, in the name of Jesus, protect our country from the enemy and all his evil plots and schemes! Let Your guiding light prevail! May goodness and mercy be the fabric of our great nation! And may all the glory go to You, the almighty Jehovah God!! Amen
There are often times I feel as though I have fallen away from God, I recall how things were at first. How close I felt to Him, and how on fire I was at the beginning. I long for that kind of faith again!
Father God, in the name of Jesus, lead guide and direct me in all my paths. Enlighten my soul like at the beginning! I want to know You, Lord! Amen
What a wonderful weekend! My son and I camped out on the property of the friend I write of often. It was one of the most peaceful experiences I have had in a good while. My son and his grandson had a wonderful time together building the fire, and chasing the cats and the dog. Yesterday was my friend's 83rd birthday. I am completely blown away at that piece of news, as I had this man no older than 65 in my mind! Just goes to show, that age is definitely based on the spirit, rather than the physical! He is a mighty man of God, and now I see him as possibly a super-hero of sorts, as he does not meet the worldly criteria for 83 .......he just simply is a truly amazing human being! Ya know, I sometimes feel like I am still just a child, and I do act that way most days. And ya know what???? I realized something yesterday........that is Okay! I pray that I could just be a mere half the person my friend is when I reach his age! We had a grand time just talking and fishing, and observing the gifts of nature and the spiritual realm. This life is hard in this world, and good friends make it possible to 'keep on keeping on'!
Father God, in the mighty name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, thank You for my friend! Thank You for our daily bread, and thank You for the gift of Your Holy Spirit! May we always be a blessing in Your name, Amen!
Not much to write about lately. Just busy with day to day of going with the flow of things. I guess the appropriate phase of effective change that I am in would be considered the 'maintenance' phase. What my question of myself would have to be: "Am I growing.....spiritually????" I opened my recovery textbook last night, and read the first chapter again, as I have been noticing some of the unhealthy thoughts resurfacing here lately. Doing the next right thing has become my new normal, and the patterns have always been that when I fall into 'normal' of any kind.....I get bored. I am sure that I am not the only human on this earth that experiences this, but I also know that not every human has a history of drug abuse. So I have to be aware and vigilant to that important piece of information! Once I get my occupational license, and I am back on the road, I think it wise that I up my meeting attendance. This weekend, the boys and I are going camping with a very dear friend and his grandson. This is a 'meeting' for the soul! Good people= good fellowship! Thank You Jesus, for friends and family! Amen!
Was a busy weekend, got some more community service hours in, and also got my own lawn mowed and edged! Felt myself getting into that slumper-mode yesterday after church, so my youngest son and I went out and picked up all the trash in our neighborhood. This morning when I was walking, I couldn't help but notice that there were several cups and things people must have thrown out since then. Well, looks like we got some more work to do :)! It was actually pretty fun, and my son enjoyed it too. I forecast that in the near future, we won't be the only ones out there cleaning things up. That kinda activity draws people together. I see what has happened all over the country after huge devastation takes place..... it doesn't have to take a catastrophe for a 'community clean up' to happen! One day at a time, one action at a time.......In Jesus' name, Amen!
Made it through another week! Trials and tribulations have been REAL! I latch on to God's promises! He "will not leave me nor forsake me" -Deuteronomy 31:6 Off to work....With Him:" All things are possible"! -Philippians 4:13
It is raining today and the first Fall weather of the season. Moving in to that part of the year that throws me back into what happened nearly 4 years ago now. Isn't it amazing how something as simple as a drop in temperature and the smell of the air can spark a recall as if no time has lapsed at all?! Thank God for the recovery process! I do not have to live that way anymore, and my boys no longer have to be a part of witnessing that lifestyle anymore! I wonder if the realness I am feeling today has anything to do with the fact that I am still in 'waiting-mode'. The last piece of the 'whole' is still absent from the picture. Will next September be the date? Will we see parole and receive favor and blessing this time???? This phase of the journey is still in process, so in a big way....life is still 'on hold'. God is making "diamonds" right now. We are being refined, though we cannot see it with our eyes! We see nothing....God sees progress! Patience, Self!
Today is the day my husband was supposed to be paroled (in my mind anyway). The day I had looked forward to for 2 1/2 years! Now the new date is September 25, 2018. It is the only way I can handle it....by looking at a shorter goal. For now, we wait, and we pray, and we hope! Yesterday my son and I spent the whole day together. We moved his childhood bank account over to his account that he has set up himself. He is saving for a fancy Mustang...must be GT!!! That's all I hear about :). It's cute .....yeah the car is nice too....I mean my son is cute. Every time we pass one on the road he is like a puppy who's looking forward to the leftover steak pieces as his owner eats a T-bone! And when we aren't driving past one on the road, he is surfing the internet for postings and photos! I remember those days, when I was saving for that one 'perfect' purchase! We drove over to my mother in laws house to talk on the phone with my husband, then on the way home we attempted to go check out one of the many potential cars he has found on his phone. They were closing for the day :( . He was a bit bummed, but didn't go on and on about it like he would have in the past. He is really growing up. This guy has a lot going for him, and so much potential!
Father God, In the mighty name of Jesus Christ, I thank You for blessing me with wonderful children! Please keep us strong in the faith, and in line with You always! Amen
I am here? Never quite felt like I fit in this place,
like I'm from another dimension....a different time and space!
My words are few! My thoughts?....they're strange,
Am I in remission????? Not yet written???....another page????
Meaning. Purpose. ..... Words of sustenance for my soul!
To birth fruits of these!... Oh.... To be in the 'know'!
I hold on in pursuit of the grander vision!
Teachable. Available. .... Your instruction! Your mission!
Your love is "unfailing"...even in my case!
I am "beautiful", I am "perfect", I am "wonderfully made"!
I trust I will 'know' when my time is before me!
So that I shall be used as the vision which bore me!
Don't let me mishear! Don't let me stray...or fall!
Know what's in my heart! Keep me in line with Your call!
Keep my eyes above the fog! Not distracted. "Awake"!
Please release me from bondage! From my past mistakes!
So that they might be tools for purpose....for good!
And may I enter Your gates.....the exact time that I should!
Amen!
We are getting really busy at work again! I like to be busy. Finally heard back from the courts about my hearing for my drivers license. I have to wait another 3 weeks! So....this means I will need to rely on others for a bit longer than I anticipated, but I know that God's timing is never off! Let's see.....think I will take an inventory of answered prayers....time to get grateful. The couple that I had been praying to get back together in my neighborhood.....they have! It has been several weeks since they made the announcement, and so far I have witnessed the family still together! :) I prayed for no rain last Saturday, so that I would not miss my community service hours for the month of September.....after raining all week....no rain Saturday! Our business has had 3 separate customers that had orders past due for YEARS....they called and made payments! I know this next answered prayer is gonna sound a bit bazaar but.... I prayed that my dog, Heaven's feminine undies would arrive so that she could come back in the house while shes bleeding.....they arrived 3 days early! (Thank You, Jesus!) :) Oh, and we closed the door on that speeding ticket my son got last July this past week! He had to take defensive driving within a 90 day window...feels good to not have to worry about that anymore!
I am seeing a pattern here of things working out.....one day at a time.....it really does help to be grateful!
Father God, in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, thank You for always providing for our family! Thank You for Your help in ALL of life's storms! Amen!
Dunno how I am feeling today. A lot is going on in the world. Hateful things all over the news, chaos in our country, and uneasy feelings in my heart! I need to breathe!
This weekend was actually very nice! My son woke up early Saturday morning to drive me to community service. He has been so supportive of my needs and patient with the fact that I cannot drive my car right now. The crew I worked with was awesome! We worked hard and made the day fun despite the circumstances. They encouraged me and gave me some hope that my husband and I will get through this rough patch in our lives. God really does provide ALL my needs at just the right time!
Father God, in the name of Jesus, thank You for holding me in the storm! Thank You for loving me! Amen
Well, this week has been crazy. Packed with all kinds of 'firsts'. Still do not have a hearing set to get my occupational drivers license, so I am having to rely on my son and my mom to cart me around everywhere! It is very humbling. My husband did NOT make his first parole. I was so in hopes that he would be getting out, and when I read "parole denied" on that computer screen, I cannot tell you the feeling that resulted! The only way I could come close to identifying the way I was feeling, was much like the day he signed for the plea to begin with. Then, to top the week off, my little puppy, Heaven, is in her first heat! Wow, was I unprepared for that! So I got on google, looked up diapers for female dogs, and they should arrive by next Tuesday. So in the meantime, she is wearing a pair of my sons spiderman undies. (that do not stay on unless I lock her in the spare room.) So, it is backyard for now for both dogs. Oh, and might I add that the rain blessed us with a muddy mess back there, so I will let ya use your imagination. This too shall pass, self! :) Well I am off to community service......
Got up earlier this morning than I typically do. Since the topic of "going the extra mile" has come up quite often the past weeks, I walked 5 miles instead of 4. I finished off my last lap running as fast and as far as my long legs would carry me! I saw myself during that sprint... running in a hundred meter dash....... I envisioned myself winning the race! Isn't that what it really is about???? Seeing and believing in your own mind that you have indeed won? If I physically win the race, and do not believe that I have truly won.....what good is it?! The power isn't in the act itself, the power is in the belief!! The mountain hasn't moved until I believe it has!
Father God, in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, help me to move the mountains in my mind! Help me to go that extra mile in my thoughts! Help me to develop a mind that is Christ-like! Lord, I need a reset this day! Amen!
Where is my husband?! Still no phone call. God, please let this be a miracle in the making! Is he making the journey to the next step before coming home???? Oh how I long for our family to be reunited! ....to see what You have in mind for our purpose!!! My heart smiles when I ponder this!
Still haven't heard from my husband, and as of yesterday, my license officially shows to be suspended. I have all the proper documentation to apply for my occupational license, all I lack is for the judge to grant his approval! Feels pretty good to be operating in some sort of order these days. I certainly have learned a lot about the consequences for my actions, and have complete confidence that I will not be repeating any of those bad choices! Experience is a pretty good teacher :) !
Finally! My internet is working, and I can get onto my page! It has been a few days since I have had a chance to write. The weekend went well, I finished the D.O.E.P. course yesterday. I really enjoyed the class, and mostly, the people in it. There was a wonderful, lighthearted spirit in there that warms my heart. I spoke with my husband Friday night for one phone call, and made plans to do the second call yesterday before class. I went to my mother in laws and waited for his call, but never did hear from him. That is tough, cuz I have no way of knowing anything until I hear from him! Did he get moved? Did something happen in there? I dismissed it yesterday, thinking maybe something came up, or maybe he was napping and overslept......and that he would call his mom later and I would hear from her. No call! So now my mind is wandering...hoping....they wouldn't do a transfer on a Saturday. Perhaps Friday night after our conversation?????? That has happened before! Well self, for now we do what we do best! We wait...and we pray!
Father God, in the name of the mighty name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, bring my husband home to us! I miss him dearly, this journey has been so long! My heart's desire is to begin our new chapter in our Christian marriage! Is this the blessed day? Is the day drawing near?! Thank You for protecting our little family, and I know You will bring him home at just the right moment! I love You, and honor You this day! Amen!
-Jude 1:21
Started this new class I have to take in order to get my drivers license back. It is called the 'Drug Offender Education Program' or D.O.E.P. This afternoon will be my 3rd session. In yesterday's class we learned all about the history and timeline of drugs, their classes, laws and subsequent punishments for breaking those laws. We had an open discussion about what each of us thought was a better way to address the drug problem in the United States. I believe it has to start at the beginning. A solid family nucleus built on biblical principles and love! Even if the child veers off track, he or she will 'know' the solution when they humble themselves and draw closer to their spirit man. I don't think it is the drugs that are the problem, drugs are merely a symptom of a sinful/addictive state of mind. We ALL have a cross we bear at some point in our lives, and we ALL are in need of a savior; a power greater than ourselves to carry the burdens we were never intended to bear. That savior is Jesus Christ of Nazareth, He is the only Power worthy of such a feat......THE name above ALL names! You see, there lay the 'power-point' for the what I am trying to say. Man can't solve man's problems! It is much bigger than any 'program' or 'regulation'. Try as we may, the solution is bigger than any of us can comprehend.......the answer lay in the hands of the Almighty Jehovah God! Willingness to listen and act......that's our part!
There is a family at the end of our street that is going through the same thing that our family is going through right now. The mother there is about my age, and recently I found out that she has a husband in prison. Our conversation was brief (as they are usually only a few words in passing), but I shared that my husband was also in prison. Unaware of anything but a sense of need, I have been praying for that family for quite some time. Years actually. She is a very private person, yet I know that I am called to minister somehow to her. So here lately I have been asking for God to show her something supernatural rather than me having to come up with the perfect words. Last night before I laid down to sleep I prayed for a visitation in my sleep. Well I received my visit, but it was the opposite of what was on my heart. All night I was battling with scoffers and haters and such. But one moment just prior to waking, I found myself in a room at a table with a single candle. I was repeating the words "Come Lord Jesus...." Suddenly I was encompassed with the warmest invisible arms! All over my body I felt as if someone was cradling my entire body with this loving existence. The being lifted me carefully from where I had been sitting, and carried me to another place. I woke up with this sense of peace and gratitude for Jesus coming to my rescue. :) I set off for my morning walk with a smile on my face but a nervousness in my tummy. Heaven was running along side while Buddy was on the leash. I don't have to worry much about her running off course, but this morning she did the unexpected. A car was coming at us, and I did not see her near me, as it was still very dark outside. Suddenly in the headlights I spot her right in the path of the vehicle! I heard the car hit her, and I heard her squeal and whimper as they slammed on the breaks! My heart stopped as I stood there and the 'Mother' I'd been praying for jumped out of the passenger side. She seemed as concerned as I, and paralyzed, I couldn't get myself to move in the direction of the incident to check on my dog. Within a moment I see Heaven at my side unharmed in any way at all! It all happened so fast, in only a minute or so we were back walking as if nothing ever happened! It was a miracle! Was that my supernatural answer to prayer??????
9If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
Father God, in the mighty name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, I pray that the event this morning spoke to her heart as deeply as it did mine! I thank You sooooo much for saving my dog! I know that You are with me every step of my day! Amen
All these struggles, all this pain....
Meant for good...meant for YOUR gain!
My "promised land" awaits, I'm still stuck here in the wild!
Just cannot seem to grasp what is just behind the 'veil'.
"I'm too hard on myself" I hear,
yet still wrapped up in this 'fear'.
Searching outwardly for change to have,
and in the end... still 'feeling' bad!
It's an "inside job", I know from the "rooms".
Time to get back up.. no time to lose!
One step at a time; one question..then the next.
Slowly peeling off those layers that keep me from God's best!
Yesterday I began my day in a horrible place psychologically. My mind was a mess and it spilled outwardly via tears, and an enormous bucket of filth spilling out of my mouth! I was hating myself and expressed that verbally to my mother. There I was, in the parking lot at church, sitting in my car being anything but joyful and full of worship. After I had thrown my private tantrum there in my vehicle in front of my mom, I marched in to face my enemy.....which at that moment I 'thought' was myself. It was my Sunday to be of service in the nursery, and my mind was telling me that in there was the last place I needed to be. Putting my 'big girl pants' on and pasting a phony smile on my face, I went in with a 'fake it til ya make it' attitude. God knew what I truly needed, and it most certainly WAS to be in that nursery! There was only one child that came in, and that sweet little boy lifted my spirits! God used his joyful little heart to bring me back from that nasty mental place I had been less than 30 minutes prior! His precious little eyes looked up at me, and his opening statement: one word....."Play?" Like the flip of a coin, my spirit came alive like a wilted flower that had received a fresh rain! After the service, my mom and my youngest son came to find me. A look of amazement on her face.....as if she had just witnessed Jesus' resurrection in real time! She and my son had gone to the front of the sanctuary to kneel and pray for me after the incident in the parking lot before service. God had answered her prayer with an unusual number of attendance in that nursery...... One child..... one word....."Play?" (or had he said.....Pray?) Kinda makes me wonder!
Father God, thank You for loving me, even in the 'pit'! Thank You for sending that little boy! Thank You for answering prayers, and always providing just what I need! In Jesus' name, Amen!
Haven't felt much like writing lately. I have gotten sort of lost in the routine again, and am feeling a stirring in my spirit. I have been calling on the Lord, and haven't gotten a clear response. Am I just in this season of waiting???? It is not about me, and I have to remind myself of this! Feelings come and go, but the word of the Lord lives on forever! God is not on an earthly timeline, and I just need to trust He is in control, even when I feel like He is far away from me.
I have been dealing with something lately. My youngest son has been making statements against being "saved". He told me last night he thought it was "pointless", because he can't seem to do the 'right thing'. After some conversation, it was revealed to me that he thinks once he is saved and has accepted Jesus, it is required that he live a sinless existence! I told him that we will never live without sin as long as we are here in this world. Accepting Jesus is not a call to be 'perfect'. It is an acknowledgment that you are a sinner in need of a savior, and you believe in your heart that Jesus is the ONLY way of forgiveness! I asked him: "Do you believe in your heart that Jesus died as THE sacrifice for ALL sin?"
He answered "yes".
"And it is clear that you know you are a sinner, correct?"
"yes"
"It sounds to me like you are on the right path, sweetheart!"
I told him that mommy spent a lot of time in that 'what's the point' frame of mind when I was a little girl. It took me a while to figure out that I did not have to live up to certain standards. I just had to know in my heart that I was in need of forgiveness, and to call on Jesus for that need! He loves us ALL the time, even while we are being 'naughty'! I assured him that he is right where he needs to be, and it will make sense when he is ready.
For an 8 year old to be graffling so, tossing around this type of narrative, seems spiritually mature to me! For him to make those types of statements without any verbal injection of my own, assures me that he IS pondering salvation!!!! As a mother who came to Jesus after quite the storm, a storm that could quite possibly have taken my life, I want no thing more than to have my children learn from my mistakes! I want them to experience Jesus through my story, that is my only duty as a parent! To teach them about Jesus!
Father God, in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, please continue to whisper to my child! Guide me and my actions, so that I may model a clear picture of Jesus ALL THE TIME! Amen
"There's an army rising up........to break every chain!
There IS power... in the name of Jesus!"
His lightnings light up the world; the earth sees and trembles.-Psalm 97:4
8/22/2017
There is an army rising up, in Jesus' name, I feel it in my bones! The light of the eyes rejoices the heart, and good news refreshes the bones. -Prov. 15:30 These times are dark, but He has come to shed light in the darkness..... I have come into the world as light, so that whoever believes in me may not remain in darkness. -John 12:46 He stands at the door of your heart and knocks......It is time to let Jesus into your heart, and allow your chains to be broken! Rise up! Join His army! Let your light shine bright!
I have this passionate interest in recalling 'who' I was as a child; before I became tainted by my social surroundings and worldly programming. To me, this matters so much! The idea of centering myself with the purest form of my past, and marrying it with the life lessons that I have learned is exciting to me! Yesterday I pondered this ALL day long! By the end of the day, I had over-thought most everything in my mind, and had crossed over into that doubting place. In fact, I even found myself researching Amish lifestyle, and considering the idea of conversion! FEAR and CONFUSION.....just where the enemy wants me, right?! Cunning....he is! But then, this morning, I awake to the scripture reading of the day: Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. -James 1:27. The wording does not suggest that I shan't live in the 'world', it clearly states that I am to keep myself from being polluted by the world. Yes, I realize that the body can be 'polluted' in this world, and most positively IS! But scripture says: By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.” -Genesis 3:19 (our bodies come from the dust, this dust, not the heavenly perfect 'dust') And in Matthew 22:37 Jesus declared, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ So, when I read James 1:27 this morning, my spirit 'understood' that I am to keep myself from being polluted of the "heart, soul, and mind". This 'body' is NOT going anywhere! We receive a NEW body in Heaven!...
45 The Scriptures tell us, “The first man, Adam, became a living person.”[a] But the last Adam—that is, Christ—is a life-giving Spirit. 46 What comes first is the natural body, then the spiritual body comes later. 47 Adam, the first man, was made from the dust of the earth, while Christ, the second man, came from heaven. 48 Earthly people are like the earthly man, and heavenly people are like the heavenly man. 49 Just as we are now like the earthly man, we will someday be like[b] the heavenly man. -1 Corinthians 15:45-49
Father God, in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, thank You for anointing us as adopted sons and daughters with the Holy Spirit! Thank You for the gift of eternal life! Amen!
Been tough here lately, with the battle won. More time to hear what is inside....to accept I'm feeling blue.
With the world so crazy, what was once right-side-up....is now flipped upside down.
Chasing something that isn't real... unrealistic expectations.....busy, busy, round, and round.
Bits of fragmented information......like a tornado of 'selfies' and 'tweets'.
No formation of 'solid ground'......Just a sea of instant wants and needs!
"The secret to having it all, is knowing.......you already do!"
Look around almost anywhere! Most people haven't a clue!
What is more than odd, but yet not really, is that this almost excites my soul!
That the 'last days' are clearly here, and SOON we'll be going home.
Yet on the flip side, there are so many that I wish I could inject with truth.
A dose of 'spiritual clarity' to make them whole and new!
My job is but to plant the seeds, and be a living testament of light and love!
To sing a new song every path I cross....to spread hope of what's above!
Yesterday was my first day of community service. I actually really enjoyed the day, and look forward to the next time I am able to go. Although, the negative attitude amongst the others saddened my spirit..... There is an obvious need for a positive message! I am falling into my 'purpose'!!!!! What a blessing indeed! By the end of the day, several made comment of my positive attitude, and I cannot wait to continue spreading those seeds! I just know that God will be opening doors and hearts on this journey! All glory to Him and through Him!
Father God, I thank You sooooooooo much for this miraculous opportunity to be what I was created for! Thank You for coming to my rescue while I was deep deep into darkness! Help me to share that beautiful testimony to inspire and awaken others! I love You, and long for the day when I see You face to face! Speaking of positive situations.........I do believe that one will TOP the list! Bless this day, and all it has for our family!
In Jesus' name, Amen!
My spirit is downcast, I feel I fall short!
My parenting skills are lacking for sure!
The electronic devices....they rob us of life.
They keep us controlled, they capture our minds.
I see my child....no desire for much else.
No playing outside, or being of help!
My soul is crying out for Your strength!
To remove what is negative....please!.....take it away!
I feel powerless ....in fear.... this evil "tool"! I can see!
Others do not! My God!......Is it... just me???!
Please search through me, oh God! Examine my heart!
God.....Lead our family OUT of this marsh!
Took the boys school clothes shopping last night. We rode in my sons car, and on the way home, my son stopped at the store. He went inside and came out with an ice cream for all of us! He is one of the sweetest young men I know! So thoughtful and considerate! I am truly blessed to be his mother!
Father God, thank You for the little things in life that make such an impact! Thank You for gifting me these 2 boys! In Jesus' name, Amen!
Yesterday I met my probation officer. I really enjoyed talking with her, and am excited to work with her on this next part of the 'process'! I was a bit nervous prior to going in there, because I have heard so many horror stories about how they make things impossible to accomplish without failing. I did not get that feeling at all. I felt like she really cares about me keeping my life on this path, and that she is there help me! She is a christian woman, and I am blessed to have her in my life! My prayer is that my story can help others and give others strength and hope that they can get clean and stay clean too. Countless people on this journey have already used our recovery story to give hope to others, and that feels pretty darned good! All glory to my heavenly creator, Jehovah God, Who can do ALL things! In Jesus' name, Amen!
Today is going to be an AWESOME day, I just feel it in my bones!
I pray for all the ones I love and I pray for all my foes!
We are all in this thing together, a winning team for Christ!
I wanna blast it from the mountain-tops without even thinking twice!
We don't have to suffer any longer, He took that all away!
The only thing required of us....say "yes" to Him today!
Thank You Jesus for all You endured so that I may..... have life!
I get to show Your love to others, because You paid the price!
Thank You!
-1 Peter 2:24
Sometimes I need to sit back and fully appreciate that I have been clean nearly 3 years and 7 months now! For most, no big deal right? But for an 'addict', that is a HUGE deal! It is said that 'using' is the 'normal' state of an addict. So naturally, the abnormal state of an addict would be.....NOT using. I like to look at it like this..... As gentiles, accepting Jesus as our Lord and Savior, makes us adopted sons and daughters of the most high God! We weren't naturally born into the family of God, we were born into sin. Jesus died on the cross as the perfect sacrifice for the sins of the world (the whole world). This leaves us with a choice: Either do what comes naturally: continue on in our sin, and die in that sin into the deepest darkest hole! Or surrender to Jesus, be transformed into a holy child of God, and live with Him for eternity! As an addict, I could choose to do what comes easy: use drugs so I can stay thin, and enjoy my thin-ness for eternity in the pit of hell. ('easy' in this world=whipping and nashing of teeth in total darkness and ALL ALONE) Okay so what's my point???? If it's easy, 9 times out of 10, it's either a total lie....or laced with a lie! 1300 days ago, the fruits of the 'lie' smacked me in the face like a mack truck, loaded down with concrete blocks, and traveling at full speed upon impact! It is REALLY REALLY important for me to remember that! What is also HUGELY important, was the unusual and undeniable "perfect peace of God" that raptured my soul from that prison in which I'd been living (dying)! The walk with God? Easy?....not especially :) Worth it? .......oh yes! Since I died to self and took on the power of the Holy Spirit, I can tell you one thing....... there has not been a single moment that I have had any ounce of regret!
Father God, thank You for meeting me in my 'pit'! Thank You for Your patience while I lived a total lie, and thank You for saving me in that lie! I choose life today, and I thank You for the gift of that choice! In Jesus' name, Amen!
I think the miracle has been fully internalized! Last night I had a flood of gratitude rush over me like a blanket of the smoothest oil! Although that joy was followed by a fresh dose of reality....it was a pro-active reality of what 'could' be. I was at the Friday-8 pm meeting, which happened to be a "speaker night". I typically go to these meetings, because it is a wonderful way to refocus after the busyness of the week. Some of this week's busyness happened to come in the form of a radiator replacement on my son's car! Ugh! It was set up for yesterday, and was looking like it may interfere with my normal Friday night routine. The Lord knew otherwise, and provided just enough time to handle what was pressing, still allowing me that hour I needed to reflect and regroup. It is always a pleasure to attend these meetings, I learn so much in those rooms! Well I learned something a bit concerning from the speaker at this meeting. She has had many many years in the NA program, and has raised up her children in these rooms. Much to my surprise, It caught my attention when she said that her only regret about being so involved in NA, was that including them in the recovery process, had a negative impact on her 2 kids. I won't go into detail because of anonymity, but she shared that rather than follow her lead and choose the life of recovery.....they chose to live the life similar to the one she'd lived 'before'. She stated that since they knew there was a solution available......we must be addicts too, so why not try using!?
This made me analyze my walk in recovery, my oldest son has his own interests, and hasn't set foot in the meetings! But he KNOWS I need them, he sees the outcome and encourages me to attend! My younger son on the other hand, has been with me at nearly every meeting since he came back home to live with me. Up until recently, he has been making comments, and asking a lot of questions: Mommy, when are we going to be done going to meetings? How come we always have to go to these???? Well, when we get there, can I go outside and play if there is any other kids?
These questions have really caught my attention, and last night as I was listening to the speaker, I revisited them in my mind. One of my most important responsibilities as a parent, is to show him the way he 'should' go. So am I creating an unnecessary life path in his subconscious? Am I doing more harm than good? He isn't an addict, but he knows some of the text by heart, and even knows the closing prayer! Am I laying a foundation on which to create a problem that may or may not have happened otherwise?????? Maybe I will allow him to reap the rewards of my recovery on the home front, rather than including him in my healing process....?
Father God, in the name of Jesus Christ, help me to live the life of recovery that I have learned to live on this path! Help me to sow the seeds of goodness as a godly mother, without brainwashing my child into possibly accepting he is an addict himself! Please help me to raise him the way You will have me! Thank You for allowing me the opportunity to receive this valuable "experience, strength, and hope"! In Jesus' name, Amen
Today is the day one door closes and another opens. Things are going to be different for awhile, but different means that I am growing and learning! Today is the day that I will sign for probation for the crimes that ended the old and thrust me forward into change! There are going to be new challenges that I have to face, and I will be a registered felon in the state. But ya know what.......we all have a cross we carry, and that cross isn't who I am! My spirit knows this truth (thank You, Jesus).
The day was so anointed with the presence of the Holy Spirit! Everything went very smooth, all the paperwork got signed, and our family is now on with a new chapter. The freedom to 'know' that I might see my son graduate next spring, that I will not have to explain to my youngest boy that both daddy and mommy will be going away....The freedom to know that if I plant a tree, there is a pretty good chance I will be here to take care of it! Of course, nobody knows anything beyond this moment but the Lord Almighty, yet I got my hope shot....my one chance! All the praying, all the lifestyle changes, all the renewing over these past 3 1/2 years......God heard my prayers....He heard my cries! I remembered back to the very first day I was clean, and He told me I won't allow them to lock you up, but you are going to have to do your part. He said...the only thing you have to change.....IS EVERYTHING! One day at a time, moment by moment, and He has been with me EVERY step of the way! There were many times on this part of the journey that I felt like doubting whether or not I had heard the voice of the Lord, as I did not think it would take as long as it had. Reflecting back.... 3 is a very powerful number.... Jesus' ministry on this earth was 3 years before He went to the cross, and many many people did not know WHO He was until that veil was torn. Some of us today STILL do not know Him! How difficult it was for His Mother, Mary, to birth Him into this world at such a young age, knowing her son was sent to be God in the flesh! The revelation that was had as she witnessed that TRUTH during those 3 years of ministry! To see Him teaching love with a passion like none other! Then to have it end in such tragedy! Our minds aren't designed to understand the power and good that flourish from something so painful! In 2009, my nephew Ryan, passed away at the age of 14. He was a fine young man....a diamond in the rough! He had such a Jesus-like spirit that was so evident to ANYONE who crossed his path! He touched a lot of hearts, and he STILL touches hearts to this very moment! Part of me thinks that boy was an angel sent for an appointed time. That doesn't mean I am saying that his passing was humanly justified in any form or fashion. It was the way that he passed.....being taken from this world by an unusual strain of meningitis that affects "one in a million"!? C'mon! Really? God called him home.... he is an angel in heaven.... and he IS still with us. How do I know that?????? Well, after court today, I go to face book to share my miracle, only to discover another.......today would have been Ryan's birthday! ................................... Can I get an Amen? :)
Father God, thank You for new doors to walk through. Thank You for the subtle yet impactful ways that You remind me You are there; those a-hah moments that give me spiritual goosebumps! In Jesus' name, Amen!
Yesterday my oldest son and I spent the day together. We drove to see my husband, and in that car we had shared the most amazing laughter and joy! The visit was so much of the same! It was really nice just spending the visit with the 3 of us. We haven't gotten to do that much, and that made those 2 hours so very very special! It had been over a year since they had seen each other. It was fun for my husband to see how much he had grown, and for them to discuss owning vehicles and having jobs etc. On our way home, Drew and I visited the entire way. We stopped and ate lunch together, and there was very little time spent looking at a cellphone! Thank You Jesus! I am so grateful for the time we shared! I smile because...... it happened! :)
-Isaiah 40:12-13
Last night I was reading in 'Isaiah', when I read chapter 40, verses 12 and 13 caused me to stop and re-read several times.......
I felt as if God was asking me those questions! And the answer is easy.....no body! Well I can only speak for myself, but I find it hard to imagine that there could be anyone on this earth that could fathom God as He truly is in ANY context! There are no words that could even describe accurately for this human mind to perceive. He is THE word! Scripture tells us that in Genesis! So the only way that I can describe my Creator, my Counselor ...... He is God.....period! No one compares. No one is above Him. I know that I would be afraid to even suggest the contrary!
The reward of humility and the fear of the LORD Are riches, honor and life. -Proverbs 22:4
Today began with a miracle! The long awaited phone call......God answers....on day 1,285! P.U.S.H. (pray until something happens) Thank You Jesus, for hearing my cries, for guiding my heart, and for the gift of probation! With You, we will walk through this next season! Thank You for the tools in place to empower of this next chapter on the 'journey' called "Life"! Amen!
-Deuteronomy 30:19
What to write...???? Am I isolating???? I have no words!
Others speak and tell, even my dogs bark at the birds.
Am I suffering from a few of my character defects????
Where is my mind this day?? Is it 'life' I select!?
K.o.k.o. self, shake off the silliness dust yourself off!
I am uniquely created! I HAVE a purpose in God!
We have slowed down at work.....is that causing my struggle?
What triggers this noise?... It's time to step out of my 'bubble'!
"Oh, c'mon! It's so cozy in here".... "you know each 'turn' each 'view'!
This transparency has got me so 'blind'! New sight! God, I need You!
Refresh me this day, new mind and new eyes!
Help me to know where my 'treasure' lays!
Jehovah God, in the name of Jesus Christ, help me to break these mental chains! Amen
I pulled a muscle in neck or something! It has really slowed me down for the past week or so. The pain is so great that I find myself being unable to focus on much of anything else! It's tough for me to be still. I keep telling myself "tomorrow it will be better". I regret to say that this morning, I am still in a lot of pain! Do I stick it out another day, and continue to pray??? If I go to the doctor, they will send me home with some pills.......I know they will help, but will they be the beginning of a larger demon???? Ugh! I think I will push through the pain, and hope for a better tomorrow!
In the name of Jesus of Nazareth, take this pain away!!!!! Whatever is causing me to be tense......be my "peace that surpasses all human understanding"! God, You are THE Healer!!!!! Amen!
How quickly I forget my many blessings. How ungrateful I can be!
I must remember where I came from...I must recall my setting free!
I find myself on a plateau of 'ease' of 'comfort' of sitting still.
The kind that makes ya wonder....could this really be God's will?
To follow Him, I must be challenged! Am I afraid of jumping in?
Will I do great things in His name? Am I too distracted to be used by Him?
Oh God, I hope that's not the case! My mind is twisting.....to and fro!
A storm of scriptures back and forth...confused which way to go!
My God is NOT the author.... of this type.... of 'mind' that I am In!!!!
Oh, God, is this the devil???......trying to bind me once AGAIN?!
Get back! I resist you! Flee from me at ONCE!
Just when ya think he is gone for good....again...he's on the hunt!
...to "steal....kill....and....destroy", that's his mission in my life!
a scriptural attack....his ploy... in attempt to control my mind!
I must be vigilant this day! For it's the day the Lord has made!
The enemy can't have it!!!! I HAVE authority to "cast away"!
God, forgive me for being complacent! Take my pride! My ungrateful heart!
Bless me with fresh new eyes today! So that....from You....I may NOT depart!
In Jesus' name, Amen!
7/4/2017
Today is the day of the year when our nation celebrates it's 'freedom' .... To me, it's much deeper than that, our true freedom comes from the Lord! Not sure where the hearts of our nation as a whole are on this blessed 4th-2017..... I know that if I turn on the T.V., seems like it's all about the beer and burgers, and who can put on the best 'show'. If ya ask me, I think the sweetest 'show', is in the quiet smiles I am blessed with everyday. To me......they speak louder than any firecracker or rocket launch! For the sake of 'unity'.....Happy 4th of July....but honestly....Happy EVERYDAY! In Jesus' name, Amen!
7/2/2017
2 and a half years....my husband has been away from us.
And there's not one single day goes by that I promise.... is not tough.
Some sections of our book have been quite short,
others of no end, and yet some that are growing more!
Each 'page'.....of it's own....some of blessing, while some seemed cursed.
Yet, I wouldn't dare go back in time....no matter how much it hurts!
Last night in my dream, I saw myself as I am......I was visiting with people and being available to listen. I continued to do as I have these past 3+ years. Suddenly, I became acutely aware that I had ministered to people on 3 very specific occasions just by simply being myself! Now, has this happened in the awake world???? Oh God, I hope and pray that it has! I pray from the deepest areas of my heart and soul that my walk has blessed another! I pray that my life's journey has opened doors of hearts for Jesus!
I see myself being truly free! I see myself able to finally believe!
I lay down this addiction that's been killing me!
Through this experience, too much pain has been had.
I pick up my cross and move down a new path!
This Binge-eating-demon has stayed far too long.
This discouraging parasite....I cast out....BE GONE!
He has fed on my mind, like a blood sucking pest!
Continually robbing me of all of God's best!
NO more I say, "in Jesus' name"!
'Victim -mentality' ....GO AWAY!
I am a child of the one true King!
I am crowned with His love! I wear His ring!
Adulterous woman???? Cheating with food?!
I cry out for help! I have too much to lose!
I wasn't built to be caged.....to be housed in such filth!
To be free indeed....THAT is God's will!
Last night I shared my testimony really for the first time. I wasn't polished, and was not at all organized, as I have seen others be. But the fact that I went, I did it, right through to the end.....that is a huge victory for me. I have always been a very private person when it comes to how I really am. I have had this fear of rejection that has grafted itself to my frontal lobe, and has been there for as long as I can remember. I was not able to identify this until working a recovery program. I have to say, that today I know that the only one I fear is the Lord God almighty! His love and His "approval" is the only one that matters. His love never fails, never gives up, no matter what. That truth is a major confidence builder when it comes to facing an earthly challenge! Which leads me to the 'after party' that took place last night....... the ice cream, the pizza, the candy.......why do I look to food in the same way that I looked to meth???????? Food has replaced my drug of choice, and my spirit is CRYING out for HELP! Binge eating disorder is REAL, it is a demon, and it only comes to rob me of my precious joy! I boldly declare in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth......STOP.......I will not live this way anymore. Change MUST happen. It has been said that when the pain is greater than the fear of change......change happens. God, help me! I need You more! More than food! Help me to truly believe this! Amen!
There is a star that has caught my attention for the past few weeks. This morning while I was walking, that star was the brightest I have ever seen! It shined so brightly, that it appeared to be a cross lighting up the sky! Captivated by the sight, I was led to the story of the magi who followed the star to Bethlehem the day Jesus was born. What faith those men must have had, to KNOW without doubt that they were headed to greet THE Emmanuel (God with us)! Faith without hesitation.....that is what I long for! The bible says in Hebrews 11:6 that without faith it is impossible to please God! These thoughts carried me back to the beginning.....to the flawless creation of man.....man in his purest form. Complete and holy. Fast forward to this day, and the gradual spiritual decay throughout the history of mankind......our faith has been diluted. Could it be possible?????? To have faith again like that of Abraham, Daniel, Shadrach, Meshak, and Abednigo......and countless others I have read about! THAT kind of faith.....is what I desire!
Father God, thank You for the starlit mornings on my path each day! Thank You for lighting my way each and every moment! Thank You for the gift of the book, and its inspirational text! Deepen my faith today! In Jesus' name, Amen!
-Philippians 1:6
Yesterday we buried a dear friend and sister in Christ. She was a major staple in our church family and in this community. She will be missed by many, and remembered for many many years to come! This lady impacted my life with the most subtle, yet powerful of words and prayer. Whenever I think of her, I remember about a year and a half ago, she prayed with me and for our family. She spoke 4 prophetic words into my life, and I heard those words deep in my soul......"It's not your season." She said she felt the Lord was telling her to tell me that. At the time the words meant something different to me, but today, today they mean something completely different. Today I feel a certain readiness to begin an entirely new chapter of my life! I feel the Lord tugging at my heart to share my testimony on a whole new level! I have never been a public speaker, but I do see myself doing that very thing! I am a bit nervous and excited.....I know that God WILL provide every word and every ounce of confidence that I need. He saved me from that darkness, and I am ready to shine for Him! I declare and decree this into my life In Jesus' name, Amen!
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
-Matthew 6:21
Where IS my heart? I may think I know, but only God KNOWS the true dealings of the heart. One thing I feel that I know for sure, is that I do not want to be caught treasuring anything other than the love of God! Some days I can get myself worked up over wondering whether or not I am 'authentic'. A lot goes on in any given period of time in my mind! My genuinity seems to be a discussion the diseased portion of my mind (or Satan if you prefer) loves to have me question. The problem with that is, there is very little evidence for him to work with these days. In the dark world that I came from?......yes, he had quite the foothold! Now, are there things I need to work on? Oh yes, and I really believe that this will ALWAYS be the case. Thinking itself is not a sin. It is the action that follows that has the potential to be. What do I 'act' on today?????? Am I a kingdom-builder???? What AM I treasuring???
Father God, In the name of Jesus Christ and on this blessed Father's day 2017, show me the truest dealings of my heart. Help me in the areas where I am weak! I want to be "Caught doing good" in this garden You have placed me in! In Jesus' name, Amen!
A ruler can be persuaded through patience, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.
-Proverbs 25:15
Kindness has always proven itself an effective way to address most any situation. I have struggled with the seeing the opposite narrative play out on the T.V. and in the world. There is so much pain flowing and spawning up fists and weapons that it seems to be coming the 'norm'. What I am coming to see, is that whatever seeds are sown, much of the same can be expected. What if we ALL had a sudden epiphany.......and 'truth' took hold like a storm!? What if we all WOKE UP and instantly KNEW that we are ALL on the same team, and began acting 'as if'? The enemy would have absolutely NOTHING to work with! I guess that is what Heaven is all about. The "Paradise world" that is fueled by love and truth! God is love, and I notice He does not spend much of his time on the tv or in the news! Why then do we (myself included)???????? What great things could be expected if I am feeding my mind such trash?! Where is that 'reset' button that my pastor mentions every now and then? It's time to 'channel' in to God instead!
Take away the negativity, the discouragement, the hatred, and the fears!
Reset our minds to truth and love! Help us to be strong and bold!
Give us the words that are soft and sharp that cut right through the 'cold'!
Amen!
-Psalm 77:11
My youngest boy and I went to see "Daddy" this weekend. ''Daddy" has been on lock down at the facility he is at, the days get even longer for him during this time, so we thought we'd surprise him! We didn't leave early in the morning like we typically do, so this time we arrived during the hottest time of the day. He was so surprised and thankful for the 'break' and "time to cool off". I am just ALWAYS happy to see him no matter what time it is. Because of the time we left and the traffic, getting there in time for a visit was a gamble and a bit crazy from a logical perspective. You see that is how God works, He is not 'typical' or 'logical' by ANY means! We got held up in traffic twice, setting us back nearly 45 minutes between the two. We knew when we left that we had exactly enough time to get there and visit before visitation ended. So the 45 minute delay caused us to take a step in faith. At the crossroads in our journey, we came to an agreement that if we could just make it in time to have at least an hour, it would "be worth it"! When this conversation/prayer was had, we were set to arrive at 3:45 (according to GPS). We knew this was chancing it with only 15 minutes to go through security and for my husband to do the same. Despite the "knowledge", we continued on.......to arrive at the facility at 3:06!!!!! A God thing perhaps???? My little buddy and I KNEW without doubt Who got us there RIGHT ON TIME! Thank You Jesus, for the ongoing, and ever flowing blessings in our lives!
There will come a day when I will look back and see my life with brand new eyes.
Will I have regrets? Changes I'd wished I'd made? Will I be satisfied?
From where I stand in the here and now.... how bout this moment that I'm in?
Am I content with the changes I've made compared to where I've been?
These are questions I constantly ask myself....my answers don't please my heart!
This yearning that's inside me.....calls for a fresh new start
This emptiness that has always been...not nearly as large today.
I feel it holding me back from flourishing....why am I so afraid?
Am I doing enough in recovery? Should I be giving more?
Is my Christian lifestyle 'good enough' WHO am I living for?
The meditation for yesterday talks of learning "brand new skills"
finding things that we are good at.... cuz 'using' no longer fits MY 'bill'.
Is this applicable in my life today? Am I just aging....wasting air?
I want to be a good steward. I want others to KNOW I care!
It's courage that I need! To share my 'story'! To inspire another!
That anyone can "stop using"! Anyone CAN recover!
Here's the bouncy-ball of thoughts again....bruising up my mind!
Peppering me with brutal stings and keeping me from life!
It truly IS a daily deal! Vigilant action required of me....
To walk the walk and talk the talk that lead ME to 'believe'!
That there IS a God that loves us all in sickness or in health..
He wants to give us all He has! He offers ALL His 'wealth'!
Reach up! Take hold! KNOW the miracle YOU ARE!
Addiction IS a cunning disease! Recovery....MORE powerful..... BY FAR!
In Jesus' name!
Last night I dreamed that I.......
was speaking of the joy I find in writing...the peace that's in a poem!
My prayers are in my words, sometimes they are not my own.
I briefly mentioned how difficult... for me it is to speak.
And through my poetry.... that's where I find relief.
Sometimes I am unaware what is causing so much pain,
In pausing for the words, so much strength I gain!
There's a sweetness to a rhyme; a song that's of the heart!
That blesses me with gratitude...that cancels out the dark!
The language of the soul...makes me smile...I forget the bad.
It gives me a clearer picture of the life that God has planned.
This place I have entered into.....Oh I just don't want to leave!
Serenity and softness through these words in front of me!
Soon to shift back into 'drive'...to work...to pay the bills.
Yet oh so thankful for these moments I am able to be still!
My husband has been away for nearly 2 years and 3 months now. This morning I was scrolling through our church facebook page, and I was noticing all the pictures posted by couples in our congregation. Pining for my husband is not a state I need stay long in! To keep on this path of 'waiting', there is a particular mindset that I have to take on. Yes I do love to try to stay in the 'moment', but in this area of my life, 'moment living' is not usually a good idea. I get to feeling some feelings, unhealthy ones. The kind that make me feel like there is still an eternity until our 'couples post' is a possibility. So when it comes to my husband and I, I have to plant my mind in the future. It is almost as if I live in a pretend world for now, because that is what it HAS to be! We have made it this far, and I know that we WILL finish this chapter together! I choose to practice 'moment living' with where I am at .....right now....just for today. I choose to be okay with WHAT IS, because that is what is. Acceptance is a tough one at times, but NOT an impossibility! Today I will love the life that I GET to live! I will practice gratitude for what IS rather than upset over what IS NOT! I cannot control or change those things today, so why allow them to steal my joy??!!
Father God, You are the miracle worker that has transformed our lives! I trust that You will bring us together at exactly the right moment! Thank You for Your perfect sacrifice so that recovery is possible! I love You with all my heart! In Jesus' name, Amen!
This evening I was a bit spontaneous! I went to the meeting out of my regular routine. (livin on the edge....lmbo) One of my sisters up there took notice that I was there on a "Monday". She is also from Minnesota, and we reference that fact every so often. So when she asked me if I was "doing okay, and why are you at the meeting on a Monday?" I gave her a squeeze and confidently said.... "cuz it's Minnesota Monday, and I am here to see you!" Like most people naturally do, I received the oddest look from her and 2 others in response. Oh my! Awkward for sure! When I reminded the 3 of them that she and I are "from Minnesota, and it is Monday......both 'm's......get it?" The moment got stranger. We all laughed and I said: "I'm gonna get a constant reminder of this for awhile huh?"
They all said "Yep!"
Self, you really do hold the torch for standing out in the group! Lol! There is no telling how many times I have blurted out some of the most unusual word combinations, and received 'THE LOOK'! Well, today I am okay with that. Somebody has to be the 'odd duck', I am just happy to fill the need! :)
Father God, thank You for making me uniquely different! Maybe You have a reason for me blurting out some of the things that I do. Though they are not usually at the 'appropriate time' from a worldly perspective, I trust that there is a purpose to my oddness! Thank You that I do not feel it necessary to run or get high when I feel like I do not "fit in"! That is a miracle! In Jesus' name, Amen!
-John 12:25
Our family was blessed to be invited to a dear friend's home yesterday afternoon for amazing food and fellowship! This friend has a beautiful piece of property overlooking miles and miles of hills and planes. It is such a view that I am having trouble finding the appropriate words to describe. Perhaps the aura and the spirit that is present in that place plays a HUGE part in it's beauty......dunno, but the presence of the Lord be seen and felt when I am there. There are cows and chickens too many to count, and fruit bearing trees bearing plenty to eat! We took a ride in the 'Gator' up and down the hills checking on future fishing spots, baby calves, and buckets of feed. ALL of in which I find so much pleasure indeed! The conversation in that cab was and is MOST special to me. The peaceful exchange of transparent words and thoughts as a held a sleeping child in my arms...... so few things in this world could ever compare to the serenity that was found! I treasure those moments as if they are GOLD, they are like 'pit stops' on the racetrack of life in 'this world' where we recharge and check our tires. In fact I made verbal my feelings of finding no joy in those things that most others do. (Mind you that when I am in conversation, my words are somewhat scattered and a bit odd). My friend responded with a most fitting scriptural description..... Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. It is NO surprise to me AT ALL to find that today's "Verse of the day" would be that very verse!
Father God, thank You that You make my expressions heard without any 'proper' words! Thank You that I have a friend that hears and understands my jumbled language when even I do not. Thank You for that I can be 'me'! In Jesus' name, Amen!
Stuck is how I feel....simply 'stuck' in this place.
Will I get beyond where I am? Will I have the strength?
Oh, my mind so riddled with noise and pain.
I know that it's 'lies', so I choose not complain!
Yet I find myself emotional as I read His word today.
And I know full and well that all WILL be okay!
Life and it's challenges seem oh so real.
Time and His message.....the power to heal.
Back and forth in my head...I watch these 2 voices talk.
Wondering where I'd be if they suddenly stopped.
Are others this way? Am I the only one....?
..who battles themselves when the race has been won?
Be 'still' little girl, it's not as bad as you 'think'.
God's got your hand, He makes straight ALL your kinks.
I ponder His patience, how AWESOME He is!
To put up with me! His love never quits!
Today my oldest son goes in for his first day of training at his first official job! I remember how excited I was to begin working outside of the family business. I remember how independent I felt! I found myself experiencing those same feelings I was feeling the day we went to pick up his first car! It is almost as if I am right back there reliving it WITH him! What a neat deal that is to be able to share with your son, and completely understand his situation. Better yet, what a cool thing to be able to advise my son and make suggestions! Thank You, Jesus, for restoration. Thank You that I am able to be here in the fullness as a mother to the boys You have blessed me with! Amen!
I have 5 glasses of water in my kitchen window sill, each containing an avocado seed. One of them is opening up! I am so excited about this potential avocado tree! I enjoy planting things and waiting to see how they grow and change. Like the avocado seed, we all have specific fruits we are designed to bear. With proper care and nourishment, we too can blossom and grow. Had I thrown that seed into the trash, or ate the seed in my vegetable smoothie (yes, you can do that), the seed would not have likely grown. The right soil, proper amount of water, LIGHT, LOVE, and the seed doing it's part.......ALL necessary for transformation and growth. We are God's 'seed', with the proper care..........can you imagine??????
-Jeremiah 15:16
I am still in battle with this demon of food addiction! If I could only reach over into my promised land!
What is it in my subconscious that is holding me in chains? I know my God is able! Oh Father take my hand!
You say that man can not live on bread alone......but rather.... the very word of God!
May those words spring forth new fruits from my soul! .... Medication for my heart!
Search deep within me, Lord! Reveal the source that's cracking my foundation.
May only what You have for me, be my vision....my 'imagine-nation'!
My boots are on the wrong feet..... I am protected......but God, I'm hurting!
I eat Your food, I feel it's power.... Yet the ways of this 'body' aren't working!
Help my soul to shake this fleshly vessel! Take these weeds out of my mind!
I'm like a flower that's being overtaken by this nasty web of vines!
I giggle at myself, all tied up by distraction... nonsense... the unnecessary pain!
I'm like the puppy that's biting at it's leash.....going against the grain
Time out, self, you're thinking again TOO much! Your answer is beyond your human eyes!
You are a beautiful flower, self! And you have ALREADY been untied!
Take those lenses off your face, stand proud, arms opened wide!
You're awesomely created..... greater than you realize!
Holy Spirit, thanks for cleaning off my windshield, so I can see the view!
This is the day the Lord has made....IT IS HOLY.....it is NEW!
I sit in stillness and wait to hear.....silence in response.
Have I put my God in a box? What is it that I want?
Searching, searching, deep within....for that still small voice.
To move me to the next dimension. To move beyond with poise.
I desire no thing of this world, it no longer satisfies.
Oh, to reach beyond the stars; to fly beyond these eyes!
I find pleasure in my garden, watching life transform!
God please show me You do hear me! Send grace, oh please restore!
Make me the way You first designed...flawless in Your sight.
And help me to be in agreement with what You feel is right!
I will not waver from this place until I hear from You!
Strong and steadfast in Your word, and ever praying through!
Well my family has headed back North. Why are goodbyes so difficult? It is amazing how a simple little tug of the heart can cause such powerful feelings and emotions! My brother is a good man! I am grateful for the visit, yet sad that he had to go. I remember when my mom moved back there for a couple of years, and when she would visit, she would leave before I woke up. That way the goodbye did not seem so painful for me! Goodbyes are real, and it is important to 'feel' sometimes. I see how I have evaded those feelings in the past, even without the drugs. It is healthy to cry and be sad. Feelings pass, and the journey continues. Love isn't always bliss, and that is OK!
Father God, thank You for the time our family had together! Thank You for the smiles and the tears! In Jesus' name, Amen!
Yesterday, we spent the day with my brother, his fiance, and his son. I have not seen this brother since July of 2011. I was a bit nervous, since It had been so long. A lot has happened since 2011; a lot of change. He greeted me with a warm hug, and his ever charming smile that he wears so well! I have a lot of respect for this man, and his genuinity. We all spent the day catching up on lost time as if no time had passed at all. It was an absolute pleasure to meet my brother's fiance. She is a kind and gentle soul! So down to earth! She made me feel as if we had known each other for years. She suits him well, and I am extremely happy for them! My nephew is a fine young man, and a wonderful teacher also. He plays football, and taught me how to throw the ball correctly. Lol Family is such an important fabric of life, and it is so essential to stay connected. I miss having them around, and am so grateful to have had this time with them. The separation of the family unit due to our geographical locations has been a challenge, but I have great appreciation for the life lessons of the journey. Our family is a strong group of people with great qualities to offer. Though there are many miles between here and Minnesota, I do know that no thing happens by accident. Yes, there was a time that I boycotted the decision to make the move to this place, and my reactions caused a lot of pain to a lot of people. I can see this at the place that I have come to know in this moment. Yet, I believe from the very depths of my soul, that my mom and I were divinely planted here in Texas! God is using us for His great work..... He is using ALL of the pieces.... the good, the bad and the in-between! Life truly has meaning and purpose today.....what a blessing!
-Acts 2:4
5/19/2017
I cannot say that I have ever felt that I could speak in other tongues,
But I do believe God's empowered me with a unique way to love.
His word says in our weaknesses, it is He that makes us strong.
His power... in the lessons I have learned throughout my wrongs!
He raised me up, He saved my life...not to pickle in a jar!
but to help someone who's hurting; who thinks they've gone "too far".
There's no thing He can't make awesome! No sin that is too great!
If He can make me beautiful, trust me, it's not too late!
My 'story' is my 'tongue', His spirit within the words.
He breathed life into my darkness to share of HIS good works!
My life is not my own, I'm not perfect, and that's okay!
I just do the best I can...... each and every day!
And where I may fall short, He is there to take my hand...
I 'rise above' my situation, and find that I CAN stand!
His power is ever patient, ever present, still and strong!
He'll "never leave me or forsake me", He is an awesome God!
How ya feeling , self????? I just cannot seem to rise above the place that I am at, spiritually. Then WRITE!!!......
So much change has happened since I said 'yes' to the light.
Now, I find it just comes naturally to walk in what is right.
Having experienced the one TRUE high that comes only from the Lord...
All that I desire is to experience more and more!
No longer tempted by the drugs, that bring no thing but pain!
To KNOW the greater love, I can't be that girl again!
The darkness of THAT place.....the vacuum...like a cancer!
And the void that once WAS... I know my God's the ONLY answer!
It's important that I stop and ponder the yearning of my heart.
So the evidence of beauty can display its living art!
It's funny how the mind...it over complicates....it twists.
And I find myself believing some things that don't exist!
The wrapping...a distraction...so that I begin to doubt,
that I truly know God's love, and what He's all about!
A mouse with a microphone....that enemy 'upstairs'...
hates it when I'm grateful. He wants me to be scared!
Oh, silence little mouse! You're wasting precious time!
This girl is wiser where she stands, what you're selling is a lie!
Last night I had a dream that myself and some of the ladies at our church were driving a huge 18 wheeler. The truck was clean, the brightest white, and had the ability to drive itself with the assistance periodically of myself and one other lady whom I did not know. We were on an open road for quite some time, and suddenly there was obstacle after obstacle.......and finally a steep incline with heavy rains. at the top of the incline, was a muddy terrain and 2 other trucks that had been completely totaled due to the slippery slope they had encountered. Rather than stop to help, we knew that we were in a vehicle that was not designed to stop. Suddenly the truck took a detour through a narrow path in the muddy ditch. Before I awoke, we had bypassed the scene unharmed. As I am recalling things about this dream throughout my day, I can remember flashes of noting that each of us had specific areas where we shined......collectively, all functioning together as one unit!
5/17/2017
......my dream comes to life! Last night, we had a dinner meeting with our church family. The topic of discussion could have easily been the narrative that went along with the images from my sleep world the night before! The 18 wheeler.....a perfect symbolic representation of our church as a whole! I love to feel in sync with my spirit! I embrace those precious moments, and I gratefully receive the beauty of the message! In Jesus' name, Amen!
“Fill your minds with those things that are good and that deserve praise: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable”
-Philippians 4:8
This morning my older son asks: "What are your plans for the day?"
I reply with: "Well, first I plan to drink my coffee and research planter ideas" (it is time to transfer my growing garden to a larger plot.....YES!) "After that, perhaps I will finish the crochet project I am working on for a friend. Then if time allows, I would like to prepare the area of the yard that best suits the planter of my choosing..."
He responds with: (smiling) "So, 'mom-stuff' ?"
I say: (with both an inner and outward smile) "Yea buddy, 'mom-stuff!"
To which he replies with: (a smiling thumbs up)
Big deal you ask? Yes! This is a huge deal, and is a quite common narrative in our home these days. But for some reason this morning, it caused me to be acutely aware of just how much the coin has flipped in our lives! I mean a TOTAL transformation since the 'day of the storm' 1,219 days ago! Today I love the life that I have! I have good habits, I have positive thinking, and I have HEALTHY physical and spiritual goals! None of which would have ever existed before God raptured our family from the darkness! Gratitude for life......what a beautiful way to usher in Mother's Day 2017!
Thank You, Father, for recovery and transformation! Thank You for a new way of thinking! Thank You, for mother-hood! In Jesus name, Amen!
"For meditation to be of value, the results must show in our daily lives".
-'Just For Today Meditation' -May 12th
5/12/2017
Someday I will shake his hand, as a servant of the Lord!
As someone who has died to that girl she was before!
I will humbly tell him "thank you" for the perfect storm.
That woke me from my slumber. That shook me to the core!
I wouldn't have gotten clean, should things have gone another way,
And I would not have ended up as the woman I am today!
I will be able to help another, my testimony will bring light!
To a darkened world with no hope in sight.
I remember that desperate place! I was there I understand!
Now I stand here to realize.....God had bigger plans!
I went to see my husband yesterday. It has been about a month since the last visit, which wasn't the most memorable visit. I couldn't seem to stay awake while I was driving last time, no matter how much caffeinated beverages I put into my body! That frightened me, and I was hesitant to make the trip again so soon. My husband was concerned also, so he hadn't put any pressure on me lately to come out there. This whole past week, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit power guiding and empowering me! By mid week I new in my heart that the Lord was nudging me to make the trip! The drive there and back was effortless on my part, just like every other journey I have made to see him prior to the last! I felt excited and joyful! I love the drives and the meditation I find myself in as I witness the landscapes and all of their beauty! I love to feel connected to my source, and I love to carry that energy into the visit also! So it saddened me last time when I came bearing a negative frame of mind. Bless his heart for having to listen to me wine about how tired I was, and how brutal the trip had been! I look back and play the tape of my 'poor me's', as there he sits, making a huge sacrifice for our family. Ugh! If I could only go back and shake myself! I try my best to pay close attention to the type of seed I am planting by my words and actions today, and I gotta say ....not one of my greater moments! This has been a difficult road for our family, but full of spiritual growth and experience! Anyway, when my husband and I finally met at the table yesterday, the visit went amazing! Just like all the others prior to the last! It felt good to be together. To laugh. To connect! He did not know that I was coming, and shared that he had been reading in the book of Ephesians the night before. Specifically chapter 5, where Paul talks about husbands loving their wives as Christ loves His church! Of course, my sweetheart made reference to the perfect timing of me showing up for a visit.......total God wink for sure! It feels wonderful to be taking part in this newly forming relationship! The true and honest journey of marriage! Thank You Jesus, for healing and restoration! Amen!
5/3/2017
Yesterday, I had the most unexpectedly wonderful experience! I felt as if I should go in to the local dollar store, though I wasn't going in there for anything really. I thought: "well, maybe they have some of that activated carbon for my window garden.......?" While I was standing there staring at the fish food on the shelf, the store manager came running toward me with her arms open! She was crying and thanking God that I had come into her store today. We hugged for several minutes and she told me she had been praying so hard for me to come in today so that she would know that I was okay. I felt so blown away that someone I really hadn't known that well, could care so deeply! I do A LOT of walking, and I typically stop in to buy a water her store. She has become one of those friendly faces that I share daily encouragement and light-hearted laughter with. I had briefly shared my story with her a week or so ago and made mention of my upcoming court date. When we had that conversation, I asked her to pray for me, and she said that she would. Honestly, I didn't really expect that she would, but it never hurts to request prayer! As I stood there yesterday, like a deer in headlights witnessing what I felt was an angel put onto my path....... I glanced down at her name tag.... BRANDY. I have a sister, whom I never met. She died when she was 5, a year before I was born. Her name is Brandy. NO thing happens by accident, and those simplest (yet so powerful) of God winks........ Amazing! Simply amazing!
Father God, thank You for protecting me. Thank You for Your perfect unfailing love! In Jesus' name, Amen!
-Psalm 5:3
In the morning I stand before the judge, to make right my wrongs!
I pray he sees my sincere heart....to know that girl is gone.
I know whatever decision is made, no one can take my peace.
The noise that haunted me so long is no longer gripping me!
I stood in the presence of my friends; my family; my support,
and knew that love does conquer all! His love does not run short!
Without fear I will walk in that room! With confidence and grace!
In knowing I've given my all..... in making right my case!
-Romans 5:5
4/29/2017
So I am feeling the need to write, but can't seem to find anything other than the present circumstances I am facing....seems to be branded on my frontal lobe! Ugh! I could use a dash of relief, or rather a vacation from my mind! Lol! I am making a conscious decision to vacate...format.....and rewrite this tape for a few :)! I am at this moment taking an inventory of recent miracles in my life. Sitting here staring at this screen just waiting for my fingers to speak what is on my heart. Well self, how bout that car we prayed for for your son? Yes! A miracle indeed! It runs fantastic! The price was less than the amount of funds we had to work with. Yes, we did buy the car with the check engine light standing in the way of the precious registration sticker (which was soon to expire). Pray Pray Pray... all falls into perfect alignment....the fix ends up costing the gas to drive to the dealership for a simple programming recall. Thanks to the network of loving people placed all around our family offering their experience, advice and possible solutions. None of which would have been possible 4 years ago, when our lives were embedded in a sinkhole dis function and dis information! Wow, when I look beyond the mountain of evidence of God's hand on my personal journey, I can see a whole new realm of His awesome work in SO MANY other areas! Gosh it is sooooooo true.... when you do the next right thing and follow suggestions..... all other things fall into place. It didn't happen days later....weeks....or in some areas months and YEARS. It happened one day at a time! Minute by minute, change and transformation happened! The outcome???? Miracle after miracle......
Father God, thank You for guiding me down the path of rewriting the script of my life! I am grateful for my life today! I know that my life has purpose and meaning, none of which would be possible without You! Thank You that I know I have the option to PAUSE and entertain positive thoughts today! Thank You for the courage, strength, and perseverance moment by moment! In Jesus' name, Amen!
I strive for a heightened awareness, replacing the old with the new....
propelling myself forward, ever changing....praying through.
With an open mind to the greater good. Be complacent....I must NOT!
An inventory of evidence of how quickly I'd forgot.
Precious gratitude for this new mind that mercy bestowed on me!
I needn't wonder long in the 'what-ifs' or 'where-I'd be'.
For if I do, I diminish that power that is within....
and I find myself in places of discomfort once again!
Each day I ask this question: Is it fruitful? Does it build?
If the answer is a 'Yes'... I know my tank is being filled.
I live my life today on the basis of God's message,
to love as He first loved each moment that I'm blessed with!
4/26/2017
This morning I drove to work with the radio off, just me and my puppy, Heaven, making our own praise and worship. Today started out to be a rainy day, both in my physical and emotional world. I have found that when I am stuck in a particular train of thought that is uncomfortable, turning off the outside world is ESSENTIAL! On days like those, I sing my way past the mental mud hole that I have stumbled upon. While I was singing the rain had stopped, and I noticed the clouds with what seemed to be a 1 pixel stroke of the brightest sunshine....just enough to know that the sunshine is still there! As I meditated on that thought, I realized that my own thoughts are like those clouds; so big and bold, and appearing to be the only entity in the sky of my mind. The truth is, the clouds come and go just like the fleeting thoughts I give so much power to. And the even bigger, more powerful truth is that the sunshine in my mind is as close as a breath to blow away the clouds! So, I says to myself.....yep! God is good ALL THE TIME!
“The Lord bless you and keep you;
25 The Lord make His face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
26 The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace.”
-Numbers 6:24-26
Spent the day with good friends, I never dreamed I could have.
People that love me for this person I am!
Encouraging, faith-filled....all that I pursue.
They don't care what I've done, only how I got through.
Some day I'll be them, and someone else will be me.
Then will be my season to help the one that's in need!
We all have a story.... a cross that we bear,
a point of desperation; a reason for prayer!
This life is not easy, God's word tells us this truth.
We don't do it alone, we help each other through.
I remember thinking "its over", "there's no hope for me!"
I thought I'd die where I was, and I really believed!
God knew I was broken, that my spirit was caged.
He knew that I meant it the night that I prayed.
No doubt I was helpless; beyond my control.
Unaware of a God willing to carry the load!
Sick and tired of being sick and tired...oh I was!
He knew I was ready....He knew I was done!
Thank God, for a power that knows me better than I.
Whom didn't create me to exist...but rather, to thrive!
4/20/2017
My feelings are peaceful my body is new, I am not the girl I once was.
My surroundings have changed, my world... encompassed with love.
That day draws near that I must face what has passed.
Grace and mercy for my family is all that I ask.
I approach not with fear, or anger at all; I walk in the truth and the light.
I pray that my story opens hearts and minds to be drawn to do what is right.
My God walks with me and thru me, He knows what is best for my case.
I trust that His hand is upon me as boldly I walk in the faith!
Time seems to be racing so fast, yet in Him...no time does exist.
With open hands I run to Him, He cannot bless a closed fist.
I smile at the miracles I have seen Him at work. What took me so long to turn back?
Oh the ego and it's selfish needs! The stubbornness only helped me retract!
Just for today I will live in this moment! Tomorrows no guarantee.
Live, laugh, love, be grateful......spend it cheerfully!
- 1 Corinthians 2:9
Yesterday was such an awesome day full of blessing! I got to spend the day with my youngest son, his buddies, and a dear dear friend of mine! We enjoyed the animals and the vegetation at the Fort Worth zoo! I spent much of the time appreciating all that God has made, and how beautifully detailed His creation is! I am so BLESSED today to have these new eyes! By the end of our trip, we were all tired and giggling about each other's silliness on the ride back to our neck of the woods. Of course we found it necessary to pick up an ice cream cone after all that walking (although this might be difficult to believe, the ice cream was actually NOT my idea......this time ;) )! Lol His strength is made perfect in my weakness, and I delight in them! We said our goodbyes and parted ways, little did I know at the time, that I would soon be traveling back to Fort Worth..........to..........PURCHASE MY OLDEST SON'S FIRST CAR! What a moment of excitement! I was so happy for him, and so grateful to be a part of the experience! What an awesome awesome day!
4/11/2017
When my 4 month old Australian Shepherd was diagnosed with Parvovirus, I was informed that she had a small percent chance of surviving this powerful illness! I was also informed of the necessary treatment requiring hospitalization. Immediately I was thrown back to an instant replay of a moment in my past. A moment at the beginning of this personal recovery journey that I am currently on and will forever be. At only hours clean, and for weeks after, I was reminded consistently of the 2% chance of staying clean that lay before me. My instant reaction to that piece of statistical information was, "so you're telling me there's a chance!" I clung to the possibility that I could be part of that 2% like it was all that I had! The same was true for the case of this little puppy. Because I knew that I was a living breathing proud representative of that small percentage of miracles, I just KNEW that the same could be possible for this precious animal! That same divine power that is not of this world that freed me from the devastating grips of meth-addiction, could also free this puppy from the deadly reality of the parvovirus! As I sat in the Vet's office, cradling the body of the sickest animal I have ever witnessed in my arms....... I looked up at the wall in front of me. On that wall was a poster advertising the true story motion picture 'Miracles from Heaven'. (right now might be an appropriate time to mention that Heaven is also the name I had given to my puppy the day this stray pup followed me home). The image on the poster contained a tree with a bright shining sunshine that could be seen from behind its branches. I found myself captivated by that light. Although what I was looking at was an image, it seemed as if I were actually living within that image. I felt the warmth of the rays and began to experience the joy that the sunshine brings! God took me to a place in the future. A future that included our family, my older dog, and a beautifully full grown and happy 'Heaven'! I clung to that experience for the past 7 days during our battle with parvovirus that did not include hospitalization! Today, here we are, day 7 and she seems to have made a complete recovery. I know and believe with all of my heart that it was God's great power that freed me from my chains and also healed this amazing little pup! Thank You, Jesus for being a chain breaker! Amen
4/7/17
God, won't You heal this little puppy! She has suffered oh so bad!
You placed her in my path, and now this sickness that she has.....
is robbing her of energy, of sparkle, of precious days!
I feel so helpless! God I need Your healing! All glory in Your name!
My heart so wants her to get better! To grow up big and strong!
My God, she is just a babe! This just seems so wrong!
Ease her suffering please, Lord! Or take her home to You!
According to Your plan, please God show me what to do!
4/3/2017
When I accepted Jesus into my heart, that same Holy Spirit power dwells inside of me! Why do I walk around still feeling so powerless? I guess I've got to be real with myself. There are certain areas of my circumstances that I have absolutely no control over. There are some pretty serious charges hanging over my head from the life I used to live in the dark. The enemy tries to haunt me with those charges, as if I am still that scared and helpless little soul from my past. I am not her! I know this to be more than true! What does my future hold? How is my God going to use me for His purpose? All I have is this moment, this day, there are no guarantees on tomorrow! I refuse to let my past define this moment I am in! In the name of Jesus Christ, I rebuke the spirit of fear! I rebuke the spirit of negativity! I am who God says that I am! In Jesus' name, Amen!
In the mighty name of Jesus, I declare victory over the spirit of food addiction! It has no power over me!
I choose to walk in Holy Spirit power, to love myself more than food, to walk in victory!
Food has no power over me and the life You have for me! You have given me a sound mind, a spirit of love and courage, not timidity!
I admit that I am powerless over my addiction to food, and I need Your help and strength! God, please guide me in Your word and truth! This day I walk in faith! I walk in knowing that You are bigger than this mountain! I declare and decree all these things in the name of Jesus of Nazareth! Amen
-1Corinthians 16:14
3/27/2017
Well, it has been a few days since I was able to write. So much has happened this past week. The Saturday before last, I saw my husband for the first time in 6 months at least! He is finally at a location that he will be staying at the remainder of his time. The facility was very nice! (considering the circumstances anyway) There were windows in the visiting area, so there was a positive atmosphere you could almost see. Time went by so fast during the visit, and before we knew it, we were journeying back towards home. Just our son, myself, and my thoughts (ugh!) The type of thoughts I was experiencing can be pretty bad company, if I allow them too much of my attention. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being a complete mess in my mind, I'd say that by the time we arrived at the home front; I was at a highly emotional 3! He has been away from the family unit now for 2 years and 10 days today. I have been rethinking over all the milestones that have come and gone with my husband out of the equation. Periodically I take these types of inventories, but every once in awhile I let my mind take me a little deeper. This past Saturday triggered one of those 'deep cleaning's, as I stood in the parking lot of the local driving academy and witnessed my oldest son taking his driving test. Now I realize that there are situations where there would be a 2nd time for the event to take place, but I consider this to be one of those 'first and only' s. Actually, I recall thinking exactly: "Sure would be perfect standing here in the company of my husband, on this absolutely gorgeous day, and in this moment"!
-Psalm 18:16
Father God, please help me through this day!
Anoint my life in a special way!
My spirit wanders, I feel discontent.
I know my life is no accident!
Oh, why do I find myself here so much?
My faith is in need of Your special touch!
This morning as I walked, I pondered my heart.
Why do feelings seem more real than they are?
I won't give up as long as I breathe!
Oh God, please help! I'm on my knees!
3/17/2017
Two years ago today, one of the most painful days I've had.
My husband and I journeyed to the courthouse together for the last.
It was the day he made the hardest choice....emotions! Oh, the tears!
Oh, the courage that it took to sign his name to all those years!
I will never forget a single moment... the feelings... the heaviness...the pain!
All day I sat there in that hallway....so alone and so afraid!
They told me I could hug him, that I could say goodbye before he goes.
I waited outside that door... for how long? God only knows!
His parents came for a while, for awhile...my mother too!
No words brought any comfort for these feelings I'd never knew!
There is just no comparison, no event....or experience could identify,
To find any ounce of relief! Oh, ALL I COULD DO THAT DAY WAS CRY!
When I finally got to see him....he seemed so courageous...oh, so brave!
So startlingly confident in the decision that he'd made!
I drew strength from his eyes! Through his spirit I witnessed healing!
As I drove away without him....the tears....steadily were streaming!
I remember it like yesterday......so lost, and so afraid I was!
I cried and felt those feeling for days...for weeks....for months!
I forget exactly how long it took until I was no longer reliving that day,
one thing is for certain though....once experienced, you're just not the 'same'!
"This too shall pass" has raced my mind too numerous times to count.
Time goes on, distance grows, and new lessons do come about!
The 'hiccups' and the 'hurdles' cannot be erased from the mind!
Those things make us stronger... preparation for the eternal life!
Pushing through and how we did that....becomes the powerful tool we have!
The power of "experience, strength, and hope" for the next one on that path!
24“The LORD bless you and keep you;
-Numbers 6:24-26
I received a letter from my husband yesterday, he is being moved to another unit. I miss him sooooooo much, and I just cannot wait to make the vision in my minds eye....into our story! It is a challenge to be patient. Time seems to be passing quickly, yet in this aspect.....not quite fast enough! Kinda silly to think ya might be wishing time away if ya really think about it. I know God's timing is always perfect! My human tendencies seem to tug at my spirit more than I'd like to admit. I think about my husband's journey, and the choices he made for the best interest of our family.....hard choices.....turned so good! I am so grateful for that man, and the way he makes me feel safe and secure today. That's so contrary to our past. Security is one of those things I was needing, yet I had no idea of those desires of my heart. When you're in the thick of it (darkness), clawing for the surface in survival mode, ya end up losing yourself completely! Oh what an existence..... miserable, miserable existence! NO TURNING BACK! Until you have experienced God and His fullness, you will simply never be satisfied! Whether what is holding you captive is drugs, technology, food, a toxic relationship.......anything else....or all of it: that perfect peace cannot happen until you lay it all down! The best thing for the soul, IS FREE!
Amen
Today is the first day of spring break 2017 for the boys. I enjoy it when they are out of school, and the extra after school activities take a 1 week pause. No running around like a mad hatter, rushing through meals and early morning spelling test cramming. (Don't get me wrong, I enjoy those things also, but the meaning tends to naturally get lost in the madness at times.) Yes, we do have to go to work, but we will be together! It makes me think of stories from my predecessors of how their education wasn't learned in a school setting, but rather from the experience with the family unit. In a perfect world, my husband would be the breadwinner, and I the housewife/mother/meal planner/caretaker/whatever else God had in mind when He created the woman. I have such a strong desire to make a biblical family 'scenario' into our divine 'reality'! The winning question.....HOW? What would it take to turn things around? Surrender......Obedience.....Faith.....Patience.....One day at a time! Like a big beautiful Oak tree, these things do not sprout up over night, yet the outcome so well worth the wait! Nothing of any divine sustenance happens instantly, and that took me a whole lotta minutes to figure that out! And the figuring didn't happen without a 'pause', that much I know! I used to think if I slowed down I may miss something wonderful..... boy did I have that one ALL WRONG! Praise God for the 'pause'!
3/11/2017
In a world that is so misinformed....meandering about...faster,faster!
Daily chipping away....the core....of what we truly should be after.
Like babies we've become....so dependent upon technology!
So blinded by the light, and consumed with false theology!
A brilliant attempt to dumb us down....the decay so slow and steady!
We've been fed what's up is down....Awake, oh sleeper! Be ready!
Divide and conquer... his efforts are real... there is so much at stake!
Be deceived no longer by Satan's lure! He's a liar! He's a fake!
Try he might....continue he must... the day of reckoning shall be!
The season is up.. the battle is near....steadfast... ours is the victory!
We were designed to help each other, to be as 'one', to love!
Division is what he's after....Oh my friend!....Please! Wake up!
Time is short...the day draws near...your promised land awaits!
My message to you is Jesus! Accept His saving grace!
Come with me, the time is NOW....together...we stand strong!
Let Jesus into your heart today! Let's ALL sing His song!
-John 1:16
As I read John 1:16 this morning, it caused me to stop for a few moments and re-read that scripture several times. The word ALL really stood out to me. I realized and took in a new level of receipt. ALL.....that means, even... ME! This is information I have heard MANY times, and thought I knew. Yet today, for some reason.... I felt the belief wash over me like the warm morning sun! So I looked up the definition of grace: the true and unmerited favor of God! Grace is a gift. When someone gives me a gift, there are two things I could do.....either accept the gift and say "thank you", or I could choose not to accept the gift at all. The act of receiving requires no thing of me, other than acceptance. This world teaches us that if things seem to good to be true, they most likely are. Contrary to this world, Gods word tells us that our ways are not His ways. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD -Isaiah 55:8. I think I'll put my trust in the Lord!
Father God, thank You for Your gift to me of unmerited favor! Guide me and help me to walk in that grace! In Jesus' name, Amen!
Today is the 2 year anniversary of my cps case being closed! Today is also the earthly birthday of my sweet grandmother in heaven! Ya know, as I held that paper in my hands, and I read the words "case dismissed"....... I could not help to notice the date. March 9th 2015. God works all things for our good, and He always does them with style! I could think of no more appropriate date than the anniversary of a wonderful woman of God having been birthed into this world! She was one of the very special people in my life! I could almost see and feel her amazing smile, as the joy filled my heart!
Father God, thank You for moments of reflection! Thank You for godly mentors in my life! Thank You once again, for 'eyes to see'! In Jesus' name, Amen!
Then he continued, “Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. -Daniel 10:12
So as I was walking yesterday evening, I was cheerfully greeted by a little blue-heeler puppy. Apparently she took a liking to us immediately, and ended up spending the night last night. Or should I say, a liking to all humans in our house.......my not so small lab-german shepherd... she could do without! He is the biggest baby, and is definitely feeling a need to be reassured of his place in our family. Poor guy, lol! As for the future of our family, it is uncertain if this little girl will be a permanent member of the household. Time will tell.
Father God, help me to know what You want me to do about this adorable little girl! Is there a family out there searching and missing this little bundle???? Or have You sent her to us? I want to do what pleases You. In Jesus' name, amen!
3/1/2017
Right now, where I am ....I feel a heaviness being lifted away.
A level of peace........ as I pick up His joy....I lay down my pain.
He is good to be my Helper. He is my Provider of all my needs.
His love is so consistent, it is not dependent upon my deeds.
There is power in my flaws when I surrender them to Him.
He makes beauty from these ashes, He washes away my sins.
Oh God, keep me on this path....like a bridal on a horse.
Do not let me fight Your guidance! Oh, keep me on Your course!
That creative side within me.... It is a gift from You!
Help me use it in Your name, Your name of light and truth!
Thank You for my joy, my family, and my friends!
You have surrounded me with goodness; a shield that never ends!
I love this life within You! Beyond words...I just cannot express,
the level of my gratitude...my joy....my happiness!
In Jesus' name, Amen!
The weekend went by so fast! We literally moved from one place to the next, surrounded by good friends and family the entire time! That is what I call an amazing weekend these days! Oh how life has changed so dramatically for the BETTER! So yesterday morning when I woke up, I was tired...real tired, yet NOT because I partied all weekend! That is a good good feeling to be a part of God's kingdom, rather than the dark world I once participated in. As I was driving my son to school discussing the weekend, I tuned in to my favorite radio station. My peeps were talking about God answering our prayers with either a 'yes' or a 'no'. It is easy to praise and worship when His answer is a 'yes'. The question was, would you be willing to praise and worship STILL if that answer was a 'no'? Comically and so fitting, I took a sip of coffee as I pondered that question, and the majority of it found its way to my shirt! Rather than cave to the negativity, I began to laugh. I told my son, "well, it isn't officially a Monday until ya have a little coffee on your shirt!" We giggled the rest of the way to school. It is easy to find humor and joy in a temporary stain on your shirt, but would I find that same joy if that stain were on my heart?.........
Father God, in the name of Jesus Christ, I pray that I will have the courage and the strength to find Your joy and peace no matter the circumstance! Amen!
But you, LORD, do not be far from me. You are my strength; come quickly to help me. -Psalm 22:19
You were with me the day this began, You were with me in my 'sleep'.
I can see it all from here, unaware.... it was You there helping me.
The soft and silent nudges, the tugging at my heart; Your voice was all within them: "Oh My child, please wake up!"
But still I meandered about, as You knew I would. Oh the pain a parent has when they know their child is 'stuck'!
With You there....watching....waiting......Oh, if I had only known!
Those thoughts make me to realize just how truly 'loved' I am!
In that deep and sinful place .....You... still reaching for my hand!
God, I hear You telling me to bless someone! Please put that name upon my heart!
I want to do what pleases You, I want to do my part!
Your promises are good and true! Your promises are real!
Keep me on the righteous path marked with Your precious seal!
Speak to me like only You can! Guide my mind, my heart, my soul!
Keep me throughout this day, wherever I may go!
In Jesus' name, Amen!
I love it when God shows me He is with me, or maybe I should say: when my eyes are opened to 'see'. I read the Rick Warren devotional for today, and I immediately took notice of the comment about 'Pity-parties and Chocolate cake'. A 'couple' I just happened to spend some time with last night matter of fact! My spirit couldn't help but chuckle at the brief moment of identification I was feeling. And in that moment, my eyes were opened! "Oh my gosh! God SAW me eating some of the 'Bake-Sale' cookies!?" ....kidding.... It was the 'timing' of that devotional that really caught my attention! I don't spend a whole lot of time baking, actually, I rarely bake at all! The only reason I WAS baking, was for my son's scout troop bake sale today. The part about me filling that 'void' with cookies last night.....was 100% accurate! I wasn't hungry, it was late, ALL the classic signs were there to NOT eat the cookies! Yet, I did it! In fact, I had several cookies! LOL Knowing I would feel cruddy sleeping on a tummy full of sugar, and I was going to beat myself up in the morning......still didn't matter. Ha! So when I read that THIS morning.....instantly.....I saw a clip of my pitiful self: Cookies in hand, and God patiently waiting for my attention! Woe is me! Thank You, God the way You let me know You're there! :)
It is so amazing to me that the idea of making yourself vulnerable can produce such a paralyzing fear! Playing those tapes in my head of what I 'think' the outcome of such a venture will be....yet when put into action....I find the reality of it is so dramatically the reverse! There truly is 'power in weakness'! The world teaches us the mindset of: "if they knew who I really was.....they wouldn't accept me....they wouldn't love me!" Ya know something, I cannot say that I have those reactions to others. In fact, I feel closer to people when they share their pain and their struggles with me. So wouldn't the same be true for me???? It's true what they say in recovery: "Pain shared= Pain lessened!" There is power in vulnerability! Thank You, Jesus, for my flaws and imperfections! Thank You for the pain that helps me to draw near to the love of the fellowship! Thank You for those "Ah-hah" moments! In Jesus' name, Amen!
I am trying to identify my feelings at this moment. Am I afraid? Do I put my trust in the Lord?
Am I forgetting Who's I am? Do I have my 'pillow' in this storm?
The song: "My God is Awesome" is running over and over in my head.
I have been playing it on repeat since I climbed out of the bed!
As I am singing, I ask myself: "Do you believe those words, self?"
Are you walking in the Lord? Or have you put Him on the shelf?
So as I enter into this day, I set my mind to rise above!
So that If I should stumble, I know I'll get back up!
In Jesus' name, Amen!
-Proverbs 3:5-6
I am an over-comer! God, revive my spirit like the days of new!
Bless these hands with the Holy Spirit, that only comes through You!
I have seen Your grace and Your power, I have witnessed Your love for me.
Do not let these poor feet waver, do not let me cave to grief!
You rescued me from darkness, You were with me through the fire.
You kept me going when I could not, don't let this soul retire!
My heart is committed to Your purpose, yet this body, it weighs me down.
The world and it's distractions try to pull me from solid ground.
I know that it's all temporary; this life and all its noise.
Keep me on Your perfect path. Oh God, please keep me going!
Day 1,112....in Jesus' name, Amen!
-Psalm 29:11
I need a mind transformation, and a total spiritual over-haul! I sense the spirit of lukewarmness lurking in my space. I am NOT willing to cave to mere existence today! God, please renew my spirit and my mind! Make them to be at total peace and synchronicity! Make them in line with Your perfect will for my life! This battle is never over, give me the strength to press on.....NO MATTER WHAT! You promised that in this life we would have trials and tribulations. Yet Your word tells me to be joyful in the midst of my trials! My brethren,
count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. -James 1:2-41/19/2017
My youngest son is in cub scouts, this week the boys learned the meaning of the colors and stripes on the flag. The boys also spent some time paring up into two's and were taught the proper way to fold the US flag. This morning I went out to Facebook, and the photos that I had posted popped up. As I sat here looking at those pics, I began to ponder the words in our countries pledge of allegiance......11 of the words specifically: "One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all!".....POWERFUL!
Last night I dreamed that I was driving a plane instead of a car. I never flew the plane, I was only driving it along side all the other cars. Naturally, this complicated things on the roadways. Due to the size of the plane, and the roadways not designed to handle this type of transportation, I found myself not getting anywhere as fast as I could. Isn't it true in our daily lives that we have this innate ability to 'fly' in our circumstances, yet we choose to rely on what we 'see' everyone else doing? With a mindset of: "I have always driven, therefore I will stick with what I have always done"......Yeah it will eventually get you there, but wouldn't flying add an entirely new perspective????
Father God, I know through You, I have the ability to fly. Help me today to practice the gifts I've been given! In Jesus' name, Amen!
-Deuteronomy 31:6
Little by little, I march on along. I keep bumping into the person I 'was'.
Yet those old ways have no meaning at all, they no longer fit like a glove.
My spirit is not content in my past, is there a turn that I've missed somewhere?
I wander around to and fro, seems I am not getting anywhere!
Comparing myself to others, only damages, this I 'know'.
But would I be happy being like everyone else? I really don't think so.
Then why does this body meander about, believing such nonsense so much of the time?!
My thoughts keep bouncing off each other; oh God, please make them aligned!
Outwardly it's so evident that my spirit is screaming for change.
The miracle is not going to happen if I simply just re-arrange.
Out with the old, and in with the new! I speak it out loud... right now!
I rebuke the spirit of negativity in my life! I choose to lay it down!
In Jesus' name, Amen!
-Isaiah 42:9
1/5/2017
Just days away from 3 years clean, and only months away from my husbands parole eligibility date! 2017 has arrived, and blessing are flooding in! I am excited at the possibility to finally live a life with my family that God intended from the beginning.....a chance to please Him, and be a light for our community! Thank You, Jesus for saving us!
1/3/2017
Today the boys go back to school, why do I feel so sad? I have enjoyed this time with them over vacation. They are growing up SO fast. I am truly grateful for the gift of being their mother. :)
What a year it has been, so many answered prayers have come!
I see the Lord, His hand on me...I see His awesome love!
The world...chaotic....though in Him there's peace.
There is no place too far... for His love to reach!
Our president elect....a blessed gift...a chance to turn things around!
The sweet symphony of love and grace plays in places once not found!
Loved ones gone home....too many to count...in a grander place.
Until that day ordained is mine....oh I long to seek His face!
Time still yet short, souls still are called, need answer to His calling.
Oh God, use me for Your work, keep my feet from falling!
12/19/2016
Lord You are good and Your mercy endureth FOREVER! That song keeps playing in my spirit! I found myself singing with Joy in my heart this morning, Joy that compares to NOTHING this world could provide! Now that is some 'good good coffee' (and I'm NOT referring to the liquid in my cup)! I love it when I awake in such a state! Lord, please carry me this day! Oh, let this joyful bliss continue to set the pace today! Thank You, Father, for greeting me this morning! I love You! In Jesus' name, Amen!
“Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for him” -Psalm 37:7
12/17/2016
So here we are, nearly 3 years clean on this journey of recovery. There have been ups and there have been downs....and many many in-betweens! Yet the one thing that stays the same....God's perfect love for me! Knowing that, I do believe this path has been nothing less than a success! Do I have all the answers? Nope "To whom much is given....much is expected" -Luke 12:48 These days I spend a whole lot more time listening than I do talking. Lol Too much 'knowing' can be a very dangerous in its pre-filtered state! (and yes, I learned that the hard way) A lesson I am most grateful for! For the beauty lye in the application of what has been learned! ;) (Ah-ha! moment). Thank You, Jesus, for taking this broken-sinful-self ......and turning it for Your good! Amidst ALL THE CHAOS of my unfiltered thoughts and actions......a hope and salvation patiently waiting at the door of my heart....thank You, Jesus!!!!!! Amen!
I have been thinking a lot lately about the length of time my husband and I have been separated due to our 'storm'. People make comment about how unfortunate that is ("certainly God should be bringing him home soon"). Oh yes, the self centered / fleshy part of me wants nothing more than that, but I know in my heart that he is sowing seeds for the kingdom right now where he is at! Many a day, yet not nearly as often....I remind myself: "It's not about me or my husband.....it's about God, and God alone!" This heart wants NOTHING more than to know that our struggles, our 'story', is being used for God's GREAT work! One thing is FOR CERTAIN.....I do not want him home with me until God is finished using he and I during this sowing season! Not a minute too early! I know that God works "ALL things for our good"-Romans 8:28, and for His glory! I trust that at His divinely appointed time.....my husband and I WILL be reunited! Until then, as my granny would say "K.O.K.O" (keep on keeping on!). I will "walk and not grow weary" -Isaiah 40:31 Continuing this journey "by faith....not by sight" -2 Corinthians 5:7, along the way...basking in His unfailing and perfect LOVE! In Jesus' name, Amen!
You, LORD, reign forever; your throne endures from generation to generation.
-Lamentations 5:19
12/01/2016
The 'world' puts everything into category, they label us by our sins and by our achievements (Whichever makes the best 'story'). God didn't create us to be in a 'category' other than sons and daughters of Him, the Most High! It is written, "He created us in His image" . -Genesis 1:27 Why then do we allow ourselves to be deceived into worldy thinking? I have spent a huge portion of my life walking in the belief that I am not capable of much of anything....I have believed so many lies! I have allowed myself to be labeled by the world, but I was not created by the world, so tell me how much sense that makes!? This tells me Jesus and I still have MUCH work to do! The bible clearly states that "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." -Psalm 139:14 So wouldn't it make sense that believing all the lies would technically make me an 'unbeliever'? Who really has my heart?
Father, I ask You today for forgiveness for my 'unbelief'. Please line up my heart, my mind, and my actions with Your perfect 'truth'! I need a complete overhaul of my thoughts today! In Jesus' name, Amen!
This time of year has been difficult since we moved here, it has been nearly 21 years, and I still feel those feelings. Disconnected, and conditioned to pacifying the familiar, yet comfortable 'discomfort'. This year I realize something. I have a whole lot of experience with unhealthy solutions to ease my 'pain'. In the name of Jesus, I rebuke those spirits of selfishness! I rebuke those lies that seem so real! I choose my reality, and this year I choose life!
Like a river of goodness that runs right beside me, that is how my God is!
He waits very patiently, He is always there, available to cleanse all my sins!
It is my choice to keep walking and pay Him no mind, It's all up to me to choose 'change'!
Is it freedom I'm after? And joy in my heart? Am I yet comfortable here in these chains?
The devil....he lingers...along the shore.....eager to mess with my mind!
Impatiently taunting, he jabs at my wounds; desperately seeking any way he can find!
Yet the river of Life right beside me, I know He's there.. I give Him all that I am.
Cut up and bruised, weak and beat up, He makes me beautiful again!
18 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.
20 The wild animals honor me, the jackals and the owls, because I provide water in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my chosen,
21 the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise.
-Isaiah 43:18-21
11/9/2016
On a rode to the unknown, across the tracks, a wide highway before me.
I am driving a vehicle that is not my own, for miles and miles my eyes can see.
I reach a path so close to the heavens, with an enormous arch, so large and wide.
It's footings disappear into the clouds, I notice on either side.
All of a sudden I am in a tunnel, I see an arch of light like a foggy sheet at the very end.
It glows so bright....I am approaching fast....I crash through the veil ahead.
And I find myself on a stage of performers, a concert..... tall seating all around.
Dressed in the whitest whites, with the bluest blues, making the most amazing sound!
Not wanting to hurt anyone in my path, I steer abruptly to the left,
Off the stage into a narrow corridor not wide enough to fit.
I manage to travel through with ease, driving on two wheels.
To find myself on rugged terrain..... I crash and roll into a field.
Now at the right of the stage, in the wilderness, I am suddenly at a house.
A man is there to assess the damage, he sends me into 'town'.
Oh, God, please reveal to me what does this dream mean?
Is there something I'm not seeing? Oh, Father, please show me!
I 'see' You, Lord! I know You are real, and I know You are coming soon!
We need You now more than ever, for we don't have a clue!
So many asleep, so many more awake than they can perceive.
Oh God, please amplify our faith, and help us more to believe!
I am excited to see what is coming next, makes moment-living tough!
Father, increase my patience......... to be more than enough!
10/27/2016
I see the stars and the moon, I wait, and I wonder.
I sense the presence of our God, and the Heavens we are under.
Life is all around us, and sickness just the same.
When He takes us home to Him, will we remember anything?
Id like to imagine that we would, for how could we appreciate without recall?
All the questions that I have; will I have a chance to ask them all?
Oh how I long to meet the man that saved my life!
To say "Thank You" and "I love You", and finally look into His eyes?
Revelation I desire, knowledge of what is 'true',
The only One who can answer me, I have NO doubt, that's You!
In Jesus' name, Amen!
-1 Peter 2:9
10/20/2016
Remove the obsession and compulsion that has managed to entangle with my mind,
search through me....heart and soul......please put me back in line!
Father, I fear what could quite be when I see my hands....they sin!
Without You, I am nothing, Oh God where do I begin?!
Food....my greatest weakness...to me that is what is,
Father, reveal to me what I am struggling with!
My desire....to do what pleases You....my flesh....it builds this wall!
Oh God I need Your strength, let Your Holy Spirit fall!
All of us unique.....each has a special gift!
Thank You, Father, for clear answers! Thank You for knowing ALL!
Even better than I know myself, You hear my every call!
The verse that lay before me, the tear that streams down my cup,
the simple words ....on my heart...all more than enough!
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
-Psalm 42:11
10/17/2016
During these days of great sorrow and trials, I feel in my spirit that we are merely in the womb of 'this world'; the womb of discomfort and desperation! ..... Yet we are about to be birthed into something so GRAND and so BEAUTIFUL! Oh how grateful I truly am to be alive for "such a time as this"! Come Lord Jesus! Amen
-Psalm 8:3-4
Sometimes it takes a painful experience to make us change our ways -Proverbs 20:30
-Proverbs 22:3
When will that day arrive? Will we be ready for what comes?
When that veil will be rolled back and Jesus revealed to us!
Anxiousness... my nature! Oh God please calm my mind!
The excitement I feel inside me, is brewing all the time!
I know time is in Your hands, prophecy must come to pass.
The soils and tides be right until the hour at last!
Each day it has been numbered, each person has their place.
All because the blood has covered us with grace!
Thank You for His coming! Thank You for the rain.
Thank You for gift to be with You again!
“This was his purpose: that when the time is ripe he will gather us all together ... to be with him in Christ forever.” -Ephesians 1:10
Crowded out by many, my faith it still is here!
Though the room is full...the answer.... so clear.
The birds are lessened, they are smothered and dying.
God knows each one and He hears their crying.
Oh when will it be? Will the bubble burst soon?
So many are trapped in this crowded room!
Soon the noise will grow louder, our ears will be filled.
But God knew all of this, and it must be fulfilled!
Our eyes do not 'see', trust in His promise!
Many will fall for what's good and honest!
Oh for the courage, the strength, and the 'knowing'
all of which will keep us going!
God has a plan, and His son died for you!
Let us all be grateful for that perfect truth!
Come, Lord Jesus!
Another week has passed on the journey of recovery. We are in a world that is the midst of change; we are on our own worldly recovery journey! Our nation has been under demonic attack for far too long, and it is 'time' for the people of Christ to awaken! It is time to turn this nation back to God the Almighty! I am honored and blessed to be alive at this time in the ages! Chosen to be a part of the mighty army.......this recovering addict? Now that is something to CELEBRATE! Thank You, Jesus for saving me! Please anoint my family of believers with the strength and courage to fight the good fight, and to You be ALL THE GLORY! In Jesus' name, Amen!
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. -James 4:7
The last few mornings, I have woke up in the most peaceful state! It is such a welcomed change to several weeks prior. As far as changes go, in the realm of spirituality, I can literally feel a renewing of my mind! From a fleshly perspective...... I gave up candy several days ago, and though it has been REALLY tough, I feel a whole lot better physically. It is unclear to me why different days can birth such a contrast in emotional states, however what is clear to me, is that I praise God for the good days! And on the bad days, I praise God that He used those 'good' days to ready me for those 'storms' in my path! What a wonderful Father, whom teaches and prepares me for anything! And when I do find myself helpless, He's there, I just have to look up and ask! :)
Father, You open the eyes of the blind! You restore and You rebuild!
Thank You for Your mighty hand that is upon us still!
Father, with You we can do this! Our land can yet still be healed!
Your word says this is truth, it isn't just the way I 'feel'.
Guide me to be a light to cast out darkness that might come my way!
So that I may be a hope for others each and every day!
Some days I stumble, I fall short , I mustn't lay there all too long.
The strength to get back up, comes from You, and You alone!
For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; ‘he will lead them to springs of living water.’‘And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.’ ” -Revelation 7:17
I am screaming inside!! God are You here? Do You even notice?
I know that I am so asleep and cannot seem to focus!
While others so alive around me, my boys suffer while im sick
It simply is not fair my selfishness won't quit.
I know the author of these painful tears, he is jumping up and down!
Forgive me for being such a child! Forgive me for this frown!
Oh God please resurrect my soul save me from myself!
Trapped by my own thinking, oh my God, I need some help!
I am just a weak and messed up human that yet still watches life pass by.
no idea what to say, oh God please read my mind!
Will my husband be home soon? Will I ever become worthy?
Of this ground I walk on and this air I'm breathing!?
God You saved me from that life, am I right or am I wrong?
Why yet do I still feel as if I don't belong?
The devil he is really messing with my mind
He will not seem to let up, I have little strength to fight.
I am so double minded! I am a sinner, I know this well!
Oh God, I want to live! I do not wish to go to hell!
I refuse to use drugs, I will not go back there!
I must admit my mental state has really got me scared.
I am grateful for my children, yet don't know why they do love me
round and round I battle myself, oh God strengthen my belief!
This food addiction stronghold is wearing out its welcome
and I keep beating up myself, help me set this bat down!
Forgiveness is what I am needing most, I'm so smart that I am dumb
I cannot seem to allow myself that grace and that blessed gift of love!
It's not a matter of deserving, it's acceptance that holds the key
Oh God please help me on this day! Help me to love me!
Thanks for listening :)
8/30/2016
I see the answer, I know the truth, yet I am unable to move.
My heart is crying: "God please! What should I do?!"
This world is so lost, oh the moral decay!
Oh God please use me to show Your light today!
Like a machine that is programmed....carbon copies of each!
Let the TRUTH be resurfaced! These lies are so deep!
Please humble us all, and realign what is RIGHT!
And bless us with courage and strength for the fight!
Don't let us lay down and become rugs for sin!
Give us passion to speak! Oh revive us again!
To sleep would be easy, but that season has passed!
Word of God, SPEAK! This is all that I ask!
sjt8/30/2016
gj
8/29/2016
My entire life I have spent on this quest to find my purpose in this world. Today I realize that my only purpose is to please God, and to carry the message of His love for all of us! I wonder why it took me so long to know that God loves me and wants only the best for my life? I had heard that, yet never believed it could be true for me. Just for today, I accept the gift of love! In Jesus' name, Amen!
God, grant me the serenity to accept those things I cannot change,
the courage to change those things that I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference!
8/24/2016
Just for today.... God, please help me to release myself from the prison in my mind! Father help me to forgive myself! Please help me to love me! In Jesus' name, Amen!
-2 Corinthians 12:9-10
-1 Corinthians 13:12
In a world that’s so connected yet I feel so alone,
How could a world that’s so connected …… be a world that’s oh so cold?
There’s just so many options to keep us all apart,
To keep us dumbing down, when we used to be so smart.
Technology’s replacing us, the value…. less and less is there.
It’s like the human heart…. It just no longer cares!
How we have fallen into deeper sleep, the time is now for change!
Before we hit rock bottom, and the whole world is full of rage!
Oh God don’t turn Your back to us now ….. don’t let us fall away!
Give us another chance to love…. It doesn’t have to be this way!
8/7/2016
I went to see my sweetheart again yesterday. This time I went alone, which was the very first time one-on-one with him since March of 2015 (nearly 2 years ago). I admit....I was a little nervous. What would we talk about without the kids around? Would we enjoy each others' company? After all, the only relationship we had prior to all of this was within an altered state of mind (a fictional reality)! So as you can see, this visit was very important in determining the actual health and well being of our relationship at this time. I just needed to know where we stand. I am not implying that there was a possibility that I may vacate the relationship at all. I just needed a clear cut message from our Father in heaven. The entire duration of our lives together was upside down and backwards, and God could not have been further from the picture. Present day, I am at a point of absolute willingness to do anything and everything on my end to build a healthy foundation for him to return to! The way it should have been from the get go. I remember where we came from, and that is a place I do not care to ever revisit! So I have been doing a lot of soul searching and taking inventory in all areas of my life (including those uncomfortable places I 'used' to avoid). When pondering the idea of making the journey alone, I asked myself what my motives truly were? Why did I feel such a need to travel that distance by myself and all in one day? And I came to this...... I needed to know positively if our marriage resided under God's blessed umbrella of solidity and favor! ? Or was this another strong willed stubborn idea authorized by 'self'? (I just needed a sign, and I needed it to be so so blunt) So I prayed to God for a sign that would leave me without doubt. The following morning, I awoke later than I had planned and set out on the journey with the agreement that if "I am gonna leave, and Lord stop me if I am being foolish!". I did however try my best to be as safe as my lop sided thoughts will allow, and I removed all unnecessary credit/debit cards as well as social security cards from my wallet (ya never know what could happen, right) and deposited them into my safe while I am gone. The trip was moving along just fine, and an hour or so in to it, I began noticing license plates numbers in multiples of 3 (God speaks to me in numerical fashion quite often). I sensed His presence which put my mind at ease. The whole rest of the way was peppered with "I'm heres" and the like, in the form of sermons or songs etc. I was now 12 minutes from the jail, and I suddenly asked myself: "Do I have my drivers license?!" (which I normally keep in the same pocked with the SS cards). Immediately I am consumed with fear and anxiety. Please God let it be in the wallet! .......it isn't! I removed every article from every pocket, zipper and fold!!!! NOWHERE! I checked and re checked! I couldn't believe it, how could I not have checked that before I put everything into my safe?! God, You couldn't have placed that thought in my mind 400 miles ago?! What was I going to do? I was sick, I mean I felt as if I were going to throw up! The enemy conveniently began to join the scene, peppering me with all the typical defeating thoughts: "this trip was doomed" "You know you shouldn't have done this, don't you?!" In complete brokenness and desperation I began to weep and I hugged my bible so tight to my heart. Clenching that book with all of my being, I cried out to God for a miracle.......anything! Some magical words that the guards would just let me visit without my id. Instantly, a thought.....maybe my school id was in the wallet! Perhaps I should check just one more time! I unzipped the wallet, knowing that I was probably going to have to turn right around and drive all that way without any visit! ........ my id had appeared in the first place I saw. I sat there shaking, as I held the id in my hands! Staring at in through tear flooded eyes of disbelief! No doubt in my mind that I had just witnessed something supernatural! I was so excited by what had just happened that I could barely speak, and a permanent smile beamed from my heart. What I wanted to do, was tell every person I saw that "Jesus is awesome, and I love you!" It seemed like forever until my husband walked through that door. He was not even to the table, and I was already sharing what had just happened. The visit was super spiritual, and I could not want for anything but just to be in his presence! Perfect peace! So grateful for those moments! After 30 minutes or so, he asked for something to drink and a snack. I went in to the vending machines, thinking "Wow! I feel so content that even this 'food addict' (self) doesn't want ANYTHING?!" How awesome is that! I did hear a voice telling me to get a drink for myself; that we should be sharing a drink together. I stood at the machine......there were two diet drinks to choose from.....oh goodness I need to pick one! (I can really get lost in my mind trying to pick something anywhere!) Self says: "Go with the safe pick, go with the one you always have." Okay, Diet Dr.Pepper it is! The can was empty?! Forced to now purchase the Diet Coke (against my will cuz that darned machine already got me for .75 cents!). The visit as I was saying, was fantastic! About 2 minutes til time to leave, I recalled my request to God for a "clear sign". I am staring into my husbands eyes, appreciating the serene atmosphere, and I glance down to read the message on the diet coke can....... "You belong with me!"
Is it frustration? Or fear? Perhaps a mega-amped upgrade of an enemy attack!?
I get a little bit stronger.... a little bit wiser....and I can know without doubt my disease counteracts!
How do I know when it's conviction or simply more lies on a whole new level in time.
A new season, a new strain of sickness in my mind!
Oh for some peace, some serenity, and calm! Time to scrape myself off the pavement again!
I've suffocated too long, it's affecting my home. This time far greater, this time more intense.
I don't want to use, I choose to 'feel' the good and the bad,
Nothing compares to where I was once at!
No bad day that's worse, today my good days exist,
Time to get grateful and stay vigilant!
Oh I am back and forth, I am crying but why?
I can't seem to identify my feelings this time!
Is it my husband? My kids whom I do not deserve?
Or some thing from my past that's got me in reserve?
Father, help me to discern truth from fraud!?
I am so completely turned around in my thoughts!
Help my dreams come from You, grant me eyes and ears.
To know without doubt...... to be oh so clear!
Expose all that may be preventing my growth.
I am stuck in a rut, oh God please let me know!
I refuse to give up, though times my mind often goes there.
Have I lost Your blessing? Have You left me here?
When worries take the reigns; seems more than I can bear.
Oh I know these things don't matter; they're temporary wounds.
And I most likely won't remember in a day or two.
Yet in that moment when storms breed their ugly harvest,
those painful feelings, they are gonna come regardless.
Satan can't steal my joy, he cannot rob me of what matters
He can only take away what's temporarly shattered.
No thing lasts forever.... no body, no house, no car!
I'll celebrate my upsets, and praise God for these scars!
Devil, go back to where you came from, I'm over it ya see!
because I have a Savior who died and rose for me!
Well, today did not go so well. I spent a good share of the day missing my husband. I mean I was so emotional! Then, on the route home, all was normal until we arrived. I am walking up to unlock the door. I hear a car wreck, and it is my son hitting the side of my house with the car (that I just had repaired). Thank the good Lord, nobody was hurt, and the car is not so bad, and there are no holes in the house. Well so I get inside still shaking, I begin to calm myself. After dinner I clean up the kitchen and decide to do a little above and beyond cleaning. So I wipe the top of the microwave, and the vent cover breaks and falls off! I know that we all have days like these, where life just hands you a cocktail made of rotten eggs. There has got to be a grander reason for this all. Lord only knows what that may be. I sure hope He clues me in! I can assure you of this: "the devil is NOT welcome in this home, even if the roof caves in!"
Father God, thank You for not allowing any serious damage to any property or injuries. Father thank You that I won't miss my husband forever, and help me always to remember these days of missing. Father, help me to find the superglue for the vent cover! Thank You for Your perfect perfect peace!!!!! In Jesus' name, Amen!
My other half, my husband, my one and only... and my friend!
I know that we will make it through this struggle and look back through eyes of grace!
For the pain and patience we have endured will be worth all that we've faced!
To speak with you of all the things we have already been through in our story,
only confirms that God's hand is upon us with all His awesome glory!
To take something so undeniably broken and turn it all to good....
like any great Father would and no doubt could!
“Now glory be to God, who by his mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of — infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes”
-Ephesians 3:20
With the help of the Holy Spirit, I can do ALL things through Christ! Here's a ridiculously awesome example: Yesterday, I rode my bike to and from work (26 miles through country backroads and busy highways), and arrived safely! That was such an empowering experience, which by the way I won't be tackling again anytime soon, but it happened! As I sit here this morning thinking about all the potential danger that was avoided, I find myself with a grateful heart, and a bit in disbelief. I knew it was not wise to put myself in such a scenario, but God knew my heart, and He knew I wanted to 'try'. Due to fear of failure, I have not spent a lot of time 'trying' much of anything throughout my life. (unless I was certain to avoid any disappointment) So to set out on the journey and see it through to completion was a HUGE deal for self.
Father God, thank You for Your hand upon me as I journeyed a path not suitable for such a feat! Thank You for making a way when there was no way at all! In Jesus' name, Amen!
7/22/2016
In the middle of my circumstance, my mind stays fixed by nature.
My spirit desires another way; there's more to life than what I've painted.
I am good at lying to myself, I am selfish without fight.
But when I put Jesus first, I'm reminded of what's right.
Why is it so darned tough to take that narrow path?
When things aren't going just perfectly, why do I fall back?
I mustn't dwell there all too long, in my weakness....He makes me stronger!
Help! I'm lost...my feet are heavy.....I can't do this any longer!
Staying balled up in the wilderness .....only triples all my pain!
I see a light, it's just ahead.....Father take these chains!
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” 6 So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” -Hebrews 13:5-6
My spirit is dry, my minds taken over! Please God.....don't let me give up and lye down!
The sly schemes of the world and the lies spoke as truth...they all keep our eyes fixed on the ground.
I just cannot begin to wonder how things could be changed, my human perception is flawed.
There's simply no solution in sight.....only the hand of the Almighty God!
Have we yet fallen out of Your grace? What God would not punish our ways?!
I see my own world....the habitual sin....that repeats itself day after day!
Oh God, don't let me sleep! Take control of my mind! I am broken....in need of Your help!
When WILL i get it? I am so closed fisted..... and I see this all TOO well!
Like I am trapped in a jar that I put myself in, clinging to all that I KNOW.
Which is obviously not working, yet I just cannot seem to let go!
What is it that has its grip so on me? Oh God,Please! ... Make me aware!
What cognitive weeds are in my unconscious? Father, let this be my prayer!
I'm a prisoner of this web of lies that seems to have covered my eyes...
my sins making it thicker each time I use food to lessen my cries!
Make me lean on You! Make my faith be so strong! A glutton... I don't wish to be!
Swimming in this sticky web, I can't breathe! God, help me to LET You fix me!
“I will not abandon you or leave you as orphans in the storm — I will come to you” -John 14:18
7/13/2016
Thank You, Father,
...for the miracle I just witnessed in my neighbor...for the life that's now in her eyes!
...for the beauty in this world that results from all those cries!
...for the prayers of desperation that come from the very soul,
that cast out any darkness preventing us from growth.
...for eyes to see and ears to hear, the whisper of Your voice,
that carries so much further than any evil shout deploys!
...for the courage to plunder forward, despite the many reasons not!
...for the desire to give You the glory for everything we've got!
Without You, I am just a girl, with a messed up state of mind,
in search of a solution in only You, I'll find!
7/8/2016
Okay so here we go God, it's You, me, and this final exam! Thank You for providing for ALL my needs throughout this school experience thus far. I know Your word says "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!"-Philippians 4:13 Help me to breath that in, and let that truth encompass my mind! In Jesus' name, Amen!
-Isaiah 55:8
I lift my eyes to You, where my help comes from! My thoughts really need a sifting.
Be my help during this time, as my spirits could certainly use some lifting!
The mind is a battleground, it is my choice to allow it.
God captivate that space make me whole.. and make me honest.
Fill this broken vessel with Your mighty light, so that I might show that light to others.
Use me to grow the family; to bring home sisters, to bring home brothers!
Thank You for my earthly family, for my mother...for my father!
And thank You for the eyes and hearts that no longer wish to wander!
This world promotes deceit, it pushes you to fail.
Oh God help me to weather the storm, help me adjust the sail.
The ride may still be bumpy, I might end up falling down.
Yet that strength to get back in the boat....In You....that 's where it's found!
When I'm battling the winds and rain, sometimes my fleshy self forgets.
That it's You and ONLY YOU that can help me get through this!
Oh God thank You for Your love, that is not of the human kind.
Know what's in my heart, and synchronize my mind!
6/26/2016
My son is learning to drive, I watch him becoming a fine young man. He has such a basic and caring heart, and such a good sense of right and wrong. When I am too serious, he knows how to bring me back to the simple. My younger child, he brings the excitement to the setting. He has virtually no filter thus far. There is no question as to where he lay cognitively (LOL). I learn from him new ways to be creative, and how to think outside the box. I am so grateful for the two of them. The dynamics in the household can be quite interesting, as households tend to be. :) And my husband, my blessed husband..... He completes me! Plain and simple, he is my other half. Yes I am walking with a 'limp' for the moment, but Jesus takes my hand! The winding narrow path gets a bit challenging at times, and during those times of discomfort, I am pushed forward into 'growth'. There are MANY days that I choose to 'sit' and stay a while. Somehow I know within, that my spirit still 'stays the course'.
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. -1 Corinthians 16:13
6/21/2016
Lord, all I have is 'today', help me make it be the most!
Be my helper when temptations got me on my toes!
I choose not to label myself 'food addict'...no more! Not me!
Oh God, please line my heart and my words! And help me to believe!
A positive attitude, along with a loving and forgiving heart,
sure sounds like one mighty fine place to start!
Thank You for unending love, sweet salvation, and for grace!
Oh how Ilong to stay within Your shelter, and one day see Your face!
"Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." -Matthew 6:21
6/18/2016
Where is my treasure?I seem to think about food ALL THE TIME! So my mind (i think it's my mind) is telling me that my treasure lay in food! Please God, tell me what lay in my heart!!!! Tell me that my mind is lying to me! Make clear to me what seems so dark! When I obsessively and compulsively eat, I know that it is wrong, yet I do it anyway! I feel like Paul when he said: I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my flesh; for I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For I do not do the good I want to do. Instead, I keep on doing the evil I do not want to do
Then Peter said, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.” -Acts 3:6
“Cast your bread upon the waters, for you will find it after many days” -Ecclesiastes 11:1
With a humble heart, I call to You,
As I still continue this battle with food.
When the soil is right my freedom WILL come!
Until then I'll 'fail forward'! I am not giving up!
There are lessons to learn yet, and control to dispense.
Do not let my disease sever Your plans!
My mind is a war zone, unrest that needs tending.
Your grace and Your healing are forever; unending!
Make me clay in Your hands! Make my challenges clear.
So that I may be used, til that day DOES draw near!
Thank You for blessings, for freedom, for hope!
Thank You for this struggle that is making me whole!
6/15/2016Sjt:)
The Lord says: "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name, you are Mine." -Isaiah 43:1
This scripture really hit home with me this morning. I awoke from a dream in which the enemy was clearly trying to instill a spirit of fear within me! It concerns me to wake up in anything other than a peaceful state. My God provides me with my daily bread, He shelters me from the sandstorm of mental pings that Satan sends! I was immediately prompted to pick up a specific devotional book, and opened it to read: The Lord says: "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name, you are Mine." -Isaiah 43:1 It was as if a layer of peace washed over my existing state. The words rolled off that page and saturated my spirit with a shield of protective truth! Thank You, Father, for Your loving shelter and guidance. You are always encouraged me along, all I have to do is ask!
When God says, "Be still, and know that I am God".... He is telling me to let Him deal with the noise in my mind. He is not telling me to sit back, quit my job, and put my feet up while the world falls apart! No, He is telling me to do my part! To 'keep my side of the street clean', and to be joyful and at peace while I am doing it! Life is NEVER going to be easy, that just simply is NOT a realistic perspective! Life is all about love and sacrifice based on love! Now I can only speak for myself, but loving can be downright tough at times, but if we push through no matter what.......in the end it WILL be worth it! Never compromise what is good and righteous, for what is easy and leads to sin.....which eventually leads to death! The road that leads to heaven is narrow and unpaved, but oh the glory that lay ahead!
Okay, so I have been bumping into a few MAJOR strong holds for quite some time! I have asked God for deliverance, but have I truly surrendered???? Yesterday I began my next course for school, and it requires me to be disciplined, as it is an online class. Anything new and different or any kind of added stress seems to always direct me to the snacks, candy, cereal etc. (those pacifiers in conjunction with my obsessive/compulsive mind set at play are an unhealthy mix!) It seems to me that I lack a whole lot of self esteem, which leads me to a major loss of control or something! It is insanity! I revert back to those old behaviors THAT DO NOT WORK almost daily, and the end result is only MORE of the distracting thoughts!!! Why do I feel like I just want to give up?! Well, quitting is not an option! I know with God's help, I can do anything, so I am going to keep on asking until my heart and mind are in line with His! Who knows but He when that day or hour will be, but until then, I will press on as if today is the day! The enemy comes only to kill, steal, and destroy! Jesus promises that He will give me life and life in abundance! I am in desperate pursuit of the tools necessary to achieve this peace of mind! My God will provide me with all my needs............am I willing? I mean really....am I?
Father God, thank You for Your grace and mercy! Thank You for being sooooooo patient! :) Please reveal to me anything that seems to be holding me in this self inflicted prison! What baggage am I needed to address? Will You help me? Father, make me WILLING! In Jesus' name, AMEN!
“My God is changeless in his love for me”
-Psalm 59:10a
6/4/2016
-Though I stumble...I fret....I complain,
My God still loves me just the same.
-My mind may take me so far off course,
and pepper me with pain and remorse...
-But God's still with me through thick and thin,
encouraging me to try again!
-He does not forsake me and never will,
for ALL my sins...He has already paid the bill.
-Fat or skinny...weepy or not,
NO thing removes me from His heart!
-Those times I am weary or fail in MY eyes,
my God already knew, He is never surprised!
-So why do I doubt? Why does my soul get suppressed?
When His word clearly says: "He WILL give me rest!"
-Release me from these strongholds my mind allows in!
Free me from this battle that comes from within!
-The devil distracts, he confuses, he LIES!
But I know I AM LOVED no matter how hard he TRIES!
-Back and forth in my head, the 'thought-war'... it goes on,
keeping me from moving into God's perfect plan!
-But yet, how do I know that I'm not already there?
Is the enemy using THAT to fuel my despair!?
-Oh! Release me from bondage, in Jesus' name!
I am no longer 'that girl'! For me, my God holds no blame!
-I will fight the good fight! I will carry my cross!
And know in the end, it was WELL worth the cost!
Yesterday was full of trials and tribulations. I left for work to find my car had been broken into. Well, not technically broken, as the door was unlocked. Not much was missing, and I feel in my heart that God had something to do with that. Still the feelings of being violated arose, and by 10 am, my spirit was calm. After work I came home and checked the mailbox, to find that my husband's bank account had been compromised over Memorial weekend. My name is not on his account, so the process of addressing the issue was laced with hurdles to further complicate the situation. My spirit again under attack! Not once did I feel it necessary to 'use' instead of finding a solution! Praise God for that! I need remind myself that this is a 'process' and days like these WILL happen! It is how I CHOOSE to react that matters! “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” -1 Peter 5:7
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. -Galatians 6:7-9
To see your face and hold you close, what a blessing to my soul!
I do smile because it happened, yet is so difficult to let go!
To know that you're 'okay', to know you are 'still here'....
That comforts me inside, that keeps you feeling 'near'.
Our walk is so so long! My heart hurts! My spirit cries!
This time we've been apart is painful to 'my eyes'!
We must stay connected to the vine, that's where the power lay.
and patiently anticipate the fruitful harvest day!
And in that moment all we'd 'lost', it will be "paid in full",
Our needs be more than met.....and we'll have seeds to sow!
We'll stay marching toward the 'goal'; keep hiking through the 'storm',
and in His timing our eyes 'be opened', the veil.....it will be 'torn'!
Exposing the sunshine and the rainbow; His promises made good!
We'll turn and the see the 'mountain'...... thus the journey understood!
Sjt:) 5/30/2016
Today I am grateful for:
I am clean!
I am free!
I am loved!
5/25/2016
I am blessed and highly favored! My God only loves me and wants what is best for me! The enemy does not want me to believe this truth, and he tries very hard to distract me so that I do not realize how truly valuable I am! Just for today, I will breathe in God's truth and do my best to accept His marvelous grace, mercy, and love! It is 'a process', I will stay the course!
Father God, grant me the serenity to accept those things I cannot change, the courage to change those things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference! Just for today, help me to love myself and let others love me! In Jesus' name, Amen!
And realizing those types of thoughts harvest more of 'much the same'!
So I chose to spin those thoughts around; briefly remember where I was.
It took me 32 years to get to that place from which I've come.
So to expect myself to be 'fixed' RIGHT NOW, just simply is unfair!
Today I choose to love myself and trust I am in God's care!
Recovery is an ongoing process, it's my choice to participate!
I am basking in 'the process'....learning to love myself today!
Sjt 5/21/2016
-Joel 2:28-29
Oh when is Jesus coming? When is enough....'enough'?
Silently she waits for knowledge and for meaning.
For answers to the question: "Oh God, what am I dreaming?!"
She sees things before they happen, 'visions' perhaps, or not?
Still much like a 'baby' not knowing what gifts she's got.
Her spirit is telling her 'wait' the appointed time's not now!
Like a child she is impatient....no rake! She wants the plow!
She knows that there is more than what she is able to comprehend,
The missing pieces not yet present.... seeming blind to it instead!
Each day she drifts asleep with excitement of where she's 'going',
Will He provide her with some answers? Is she ready for the 'knowing'?
She is grateful for the task, for fulfillment, purpose, gifts!
With each precious piece of clarity.....Oh her spirit lifts!
Sjt 5/16/2016
Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. -Psalm 143:10
To be made simple, yet complete, this is my earthly goal!
Lord, please remove all the layers that keep me from growth!
My ways are nothing; Your ways are higher!
Lord, increase my faith! Increase my desire!
With each step that I take, may it be all for You!
Keep me humble and grateful, overflowing with truth!
Thank You for this day, and as the story of 'life' unfolds...
I will give You all the glory! Let no miracle go untold!
And on this day, my daily bread, I know will be made plenty!
Use me for Your purpose, don't let me run on 'empty'!
Less of 'self', God, more of You! That's where the power lye!
Bless me with Your thoughts! Bless me with Your eyes!
LORD, you establish peace for us; all that we have accomplished you have done for us. -Isaiah 26:12
-Romans 12:9-10
Well it is official, with God's great help, I completed my first semester of college! It is a wonderful feeling when you give you very best effort and you finish what you started off to do! What is even better than that is the family network all around me, that has been encouraging me along the way! The people God has placed in my life that love me, and only want what's best for me! That is the ultimate blessing! This morning, I went out for my walk, and was greeted by one of those special people! She is a mighty woman of God, and has been such a blessing to me! She graduates from college next week! I know that one day that will be me too, and then it will be my turn to be a 'hope' for someone else!
Father God, thank You for all the 'love' You have surrounded me with! Thank You for the family in my life today! Help me to receive that 'love' FULLY! Help me to show that same 'love' to others! In Jesus' name, Amen!
-Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.-Proverbs 13:12 I read this scripture this morning, and immediately thought back to my using days. The feelings of desperation and hopelessness were overwhelming. I was 'dead', and that is a terrifying and lonely existence! I remember thinking "I am going to die (physical death) this way." My own eyes saw no way out, but so longed for a better way! I literally had no idea that the promised land was as close as it was. I will never forget the night I prayed the haphazard prayer of "Help me, I can't stop......I can't keep living like this.......there has got to be a better way"! There was no 'Dear God', or 'Amen', or anything of the like. It was just simply a verbal cry from my suppressed spirit before I drifted off to sleep. I cannot honestly say that I had any expectation at all of receiving an answer.....ESPECIALLY FROM GOD! Ya see, my idea of God, was anything but accurate! I believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had exceeded His level of patience, and that my patterns of sinful choices throughout my life deemed me a hopeless case! (what a lie from the pits of hell !!) Yet that longing in my spirit; that tiniest seed of hope....spoke out in the smallest of voices. And that little glimmer of light, overpowered the devastating darkness of my disease! BAM! And He spoke life back into me!
Father God, thank You for Your light of truth and life! Thank You for a longing fulfilled! In Jesus' name, Amen!
I truly can do all things through Christ, Who strengthens me! Monday evening I went in to class, and was surprised by the exam that I had completely forgotten about! I prayed, took the test, and got a 100! Now do I plan to repeat not studying and fly by the seat of my pants???? Nah, lol! It is reassuring to know that in my time of need, my God was right there with me! He knew it was a legit situation! Had I remembered, I would have prepared. So, 100 means that I either got one wrong and snagged the bonus question, or the reverse. Hey, who cares! 100?????! Heck yeah! Thank You God, for your fresh mercies that are sufficient for each day! Thank You for including a bonus question on the exam, thank You for the pencil that was made available to me last minute! (which I do plan on returning next class ;) ) In Jesus' name, Amen!
It is balance I desire, spiritual synchronicity is the key!
Oh Holy Spirit, please! Take ALL my negativity!
I have suffered for so long, by no doing but my own.
I have to break the cycle, there is no power if I'm alone.
God I call to you for guidance, for wisdom, and for peace!
Oh please do not hold back Your blessings You have for me!
I know I have been stubborn, afraid, and full of doubts.
The fear of the unknown is all I think about!
I have allowed it too much time, round and round I trek,
in the sea of 'what if's' and 'could be's' running through my head!
How silly my words do seem, the answer not far from where I stand!
Help me cross the road into the promised land!
In the name of Jesus, I take captive all my thoughts and line them with the truth,
If I am distracted by the devil's lies, I am just a vessel that can't be used!
I am a sinner saved by grace for a purpose not my own!
No time for misconception, God has a greater goal!
Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is unknown, but today it is a blessing...to be made for His good!
I stand here on day 830 by no accident, that's understood.
Time to spin my thoughts back to focus, it's time to change my attitude!
I choose to start my day with thankful praise, and my heart so full of gratitude!
I have been given much not to hold, but to be given back as seed.
To enjoy a fruitful harvest....that's entirely up to me!
“Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think”
-Romans 12:2a
Each day God puts new ideas on my heart. He encourages me to do better. He gives me the strength. I am so grateful for the blessings, yet why does my thinking become so self centered? How do I come to live altruistically? I have to start with action! I have to begin each day with an attitude of gratitude! My circumstances are largely due to the mindset I create! I have a choice today to line my actions with that attitude of gratitude! Praise God for that!
Father God, thank You for freedom of choice! Help me to renew my mind to be more like You! In Jesus' name, Amen!
I read a statement this morning: We crave intimacy.....yet we fear vulnerability. Gosh that could not be more true for 'self'! That really has been the route objective throughout my entire existence. It is this constant battle within. What I have learned is that literally ALL of my fears have been associated with either one of 2 root fears: Vulnerability or Rejection......oh the dreaded 'demons' that have been so ever present! One thing is certain, God will never leave me! He will never reject me!
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” -Proverbs 3:5
Last night our church provided a night off for foster parents. A group of us volunteered our time to care for these little ones. It was such an eye opening experience, as there were so many. These families do this all the time! They volunteer ALL of their time to providing for the needs of these little children! I was assigned to the nursery. Holding those little babies with their eyes so full of life......looking up at me......what a precious experience!
Father God, thank You for the opportunity to be a part of something so 'good'! Thank You for little children! And thank You for all the foster parents giving themselves to the care of these precious children! In Jesus' name, Amen!
Time is racing by so fast, another week has almost passed.
The day is drawing nearer when my husband is free at last!
Soon that chapter will be over, and the new season will begin!
This time we'll walk with God, we'll choose to follow Him!
The molding and the shaping, refining and the like,
all in preparation for the next season of our life!
Time, it is the factor that keeps our hearts at bay,
and causes us to trust in Him to lead our way.
We knew it would not be easy, that this road was a narrow path.
When we get where we are going; Oh, the life that we will have!
So we will keep on trekking forward, one foot at a time,
relying on our faith to be our guiding light!
Each day gets a little bit easier in knowing I am one day closer to my husband coming home. I have faith that God is in control of my circumstances! 815 days clean today! That is a miracle! Our family has been through so much the past few years, and then prior to recovery......trials of my disease. Yet through it all, God has provided the strength to endure "just for today" one day at a time! I know that this season of 'waiting' will be for my good! Meanwhile, live....laugh....love.....and press on! It won't be easy.....but it will be worth it!
Thank You Jesus, for the choices I have today. Thank You for the gift of life! Thank You for freedom from the disease of addiction! In Jesus' name, Amen!
4/3/2016
According to my faith let it be done to me?
Oh may my faith be ever increased!
His word is truth, this world speaks "not",
we once believed, but we've now forgot!
Let our hearts be unhardened, and the darkness removed!
With one goal in our hearts for a faith that's renewed!
Oh God, use me for Your glory! Do not let me lay down!
The need is so great, and the time is RIGHT NOW!
We are so lost in the forest while yet so close to home.
We need a spiritual revival! Oh God, let it be known!
Prayers for all the hurting souls of the family whom lost a precious little boy this morning. I cannot imagine the pain! My heart hurts for them!
Father God, comfort the family as they mourn their loss. Blanket them with Your perfect peace! In Jesus' name, Amen!
I know someday my husband will be home. My spirit is screaming "when???!"
Will the boys be grown up when that day does arrive? Will my hair be totally gray?
Or is it within Gods will to perform a miracle? Reunite my family I pray!
Life is happening, time is short, yet it seems when you're waiting.... not true!
My mind is spinning, my heart is heavy, I could use a hope shot or two!
I keep hearing the words, "be still, oh my child", yet I'm programmed to do otherwise.
Oh, God grant me patience, courage, and strength to see what's beyond my own eyes!
I will not give up, not a minute too soon! In time His truth be revealed!
because I am the way that I am, I understand why He keeps things concealed!
Oh for a dash of hint or a clue! The more persistent I am .....more delay!
What good parent would not ignore my slight 'fits'.....rather than give in to my way!?
These things I know all to well I must surrender my will unto His!
Sometimes that is so easy it's hard, yet I know in then end my God wins!
3/26/2016
-Galatians 3:26
Good morning, God! Today is going to be an amazing day! I can feel it in my spirit! I love to wake up and feel this way! Like I just bounced out of bed, with an extra spring in my step. I cannot say I have much to write about, other than I just rolled out of bed smiling.......that works for me! I am excited to found out what today will bring!
:)
Back to school today. It was nice having some time with the kids. I am grateful for the little things today. Like a simple "thanks for dinner, mom", and reading a story book together. Being able to truly enjoy those things is a gift from God! It is difficult and painful to imagine being back in the world where I was using. That was such a lonely and desperate time in my life. Praise God that it is over! Praise God that I do not have to live that way! Praise God that I get to raise my kids up right!
Father God, bless this day and all that is in it. Protect my boys as they return to school. Anoint them with a deep desire to be a shining light with each step that they take. In Jesus' name, Amen!
Today marks one year since my husband was incarcerated. Gosh, I miss him! We have become more dependent than ever on the power of the Holy Spirit! It is that power that keeps us strong through this storm.
I do not know when the good Lord will bring us back together again, but I know that it will be right on time! My eyes see the waiting and the missing, but God sees the bigger picture! Oh the day when that view is revealed to us! What a grand day that will be! There is one thing that I have witnessed over and over again......That is, that God doesn't reveal anything without making a splash! It is going to be awesome, this I know! So, for now we wait patiently for the miracle!
Father God, thank You for blessing us with all that we need to stay on the good path! Thank You for the patience, the perseverance, the strength! In Jesus' name, Amen!
- 2 Samuel 22:4
I can remember a year ago exactly, that I was chanting the above scripture as my husband was facing his day of judgement. It was a terribly terrifying experience, and reciting scripture was all I could do to acquire any sense of 'peace' during that experience. Yes, it was scary, but we pulled through it. God provided our needs, and continues to do so. Here we are, 1 year later, and we are still together and stronger than before. It is tough being separated, still painful, but I know that it will be worth all the effort and the pain! We will get knocked down, there is no question about that. Yet, we get back up and 'keep on keeping on'! I spoke with my husband yesterday, and he has such an admirable attitude of gratitude! I have a lot of respect for that sweet man that God has blessed me with!
Father God, thank You for all that we do have! It all has come from You. Forgive me for getting lost in the thistles at times. Help me to be more grateful! In Jesus' name, Amen!
Last night I took my 2nd exam as a college student! I got a 98! This one was much tougher than the first one. I had been running a fever for most of the duration of classes that the test covered, so I was a bit uneasy going in. Praise God for my mom being so helpful with the boys while I march forward in this new 'unknown'. This coming up week is Spring break, and the next challenge......writing this paper on Schizophrenia. I know I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength. I hope to really ingest that fact! 'Saying' is one thing......'believing' is something totally different! There is power in believing, and it's that power that has carried me through some storms that I know would have otherwise killed me! It is so funny to me how we addicts have been through some pretty gruesome scenarios; situations most 'normies' never knew feasible..... Yet, having been through what we've been through, we still find the everyday 'life' stuff so darned intimidating!
I believe that for me, it's those feelings of inadequacy that result from a warped view of 'self'! Well, as I have marched along on this journey, each time I have faced a challenge that I thought I couldn't face, I told myself.... "If Jesus can do what He did on Calvary......certainly, I can do this!"
Father God, thank You for the courage to step out in faith! Thank You for helping me on my exam! Thank You for the gift of eternal life! Take these feelings of inadequacy, and cast them into the abyss! In Jesus' name, Amen!
-Ephesians 3:16-21
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith — and
this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God — not by works, so that
no one can boast.”
-Ephesians 2:8-9
Resting in the knowing He has paved my way!
I do not have to worry, my God carries what I cannot bear.
No doubt in my mind, He is always there!
Life can be brutal, but I don't have to succumb!
Because I am covered by His perfect blood!
I am grateful for the struggles, the same as the Joy!
For I know it's temporal to where I am going!
I smile in excitement as I anticipate the day!
When I meet the One to whom I've prayed!
-Philippians 4:13
So it has been nearly a month since I spoke with my husband. The unit he is at has been on 'lock down', which basically happens every 6 months, and communications are severed during that time. I did miss speaking with him, however, I like to spin any situation and pinpoint the positive. :) During the communication lapse, our house was attacked by the flu and bronchitis. REST WAS ESSENTIAL! Another plus to being 'sick', a fever is a really great distraction from other hurts and hangups! The way I see it, is sometimes what seems to be so completely inconvenient and difficult, could actually be a blessing in disguise. Now am I saying that God was the author of my sickness? Heavens, No! What I am suggesting is that He allowed the sickness during that time, because He knows ALL things! Maybe I might be meandering a bit off in left field, but it sure sounds logical to me! Call me crazy, but things have a funny way of working out for my good! I attribute all the 'good' in my life to my Creator in Heaven! (As He IS the Author of ALL THINGS GOOD) "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose". -Romans 8:28 Long story short, today will be the day I get to hear the voice of my husband on the other end of the phone! I cannot wait to hear how God provided his needs as well! It's a certainty in my mind that he was well cared for, despite the struggle. And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." -2 Corinthians 12:9a I stand in full expectation of God's promises, because I know His promises are truth! "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you." -Deuteronomy 31:6
Father God, thank You for Your perfect 'peace'. Thank You that I am never alone! Thank You for working all things for my good! I love You! In Jesus' name, Amen!
We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit.
-1 John 4:13
-Matthew 21:21
I love the number 7, always have! The very most important reason, is that it is biblical. It represents perfection and completion, and the foundation of God's word. I can recall back to my 7th day clean, and I remember saying: "I wonder what day 777 will be like?" I'd like to think of it in words that Jesus himself used: "Truly I tell you, If you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain (habit), 'Go throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done!" -Matthew 21:21 Behold.........this day 777! And it 'is good'!
Father God, thank You for walking with me this whole time. You picked me up so many times along the way, as I stubbornly passed through thorny patches. Thank You for the good times that I know only came from you! Thank You for Your unconditional love, Your strength and courage, and Your perfect peace and forgiveness! Thank You that I am clean and alive to tell about it! 778 days ago, I did not believe that would ever be 'truth'! Celebrate with me this day 777, may it be a day that is pleasing to You! In Jesus' name, Amen!
-Philippians 1:11
The enemy has been hitting me pretty good lately. I have been struggling with fever and have been so tired. Yesterday I treated my puppy not so nice, and I feel pretty bad about it. I wasn't feeling well, and he really wanted to go for a walk. He kept pestering me, and my heart wanted to provide for his needs, but my flesh was so weak. Instead of showing him some attention, I shooed him away. (might I add...I did it in a not so nice tone of voice.) He still laid by me all night long, listening to me cough. Despite my nasty attitude, my puppy showed me love! Talk about feeling a bit convicted. A scripture comes to mind that fits the behavior of the undeserving love he showed me: Do not overcome evil with evil; but overcome evil with good! -Romans 12:21 Talk about a lesson on behavior modification from a completely unexpected source!
Father God, help me to show love like my puppy! Thank You for blessing our family with him! Help me to show love despite my circumstances. I love that You teach me in the cutest of ways! Thank You, and I love You!
In Jesus' name, Amen!
-Romans 5:15
-Psalm 42:2
2/20/2016
Some days it feels like the only thing I do a quality job staying clean.
If that's okay with God, then that's okay with me!
But then I begin to wonder....Is it really ALL I could do? Is that truly my very best?
Or is that just some kind of 'cop out' created by my flesh?
Well, this I know: 'cop out' or 'legit'....Jesus died for me!
Even on those days I act out my disease!
Just cuz I don't get high....I am still so much a mess!
But I rest in the promise...God does not love me any less!
Some days I fill the void with ice cream....some days it is on foot.
Some days are consumed with worrying how I look.
Yet then there are those days that I get out of the way,
Things seem to run much smoother when I let God be God today!
And I know I am not unique, we all struggle off and on,
It's that 'eb and flo' of life that keeps us needing God!
I have had the flu for several days, finally....relief! This morning I woke up feeling like I have returned to this planet! It is nice to have a refresher every once in awhile. Sometimes it takes a 104 fever, aches and pains, and an upset tummy experience to appreciate 'normal' again when it arrives. (which don't get me wrong.....did not come soon enough) One thing popped into my head this morning. I was recalling last night's events leading up to bedtime. My mom was at the house taking care of me, and I had a Tempville meltdown. I was crying about everything....well, let me rephrase.....crying about anything and everything! She recommended I go to bed and she would rub my back. (based on my disposition....I silently agreed with her advise) As we stood in the kitchen, me sobbing on her shoulder, she said the simplest thing. What she said was actually prophetic: "You are going to go to bed and in the morning, you will no longer be sick". As I layed there in the bed calming down, we read from the bible. I picked up in the book of Mark where I had left off pre-sickness. The first words on the page: "So he went to her, took her hand and helped her up. The fever left her and she began to wait on them." -Mark 1:31 As I read those words they literally came to life!
Father God, thank You for healing me! Thank You for rest! Thank You for speaking to me in ways that I am able to see, and to know that could only be You! Thank You for blessing me with fresh doses of Joy on my heart when I experience those moments! I love You! In Jesus' name, Amen!
-1John 4:7
Good morning, God! Thank You for a restful sleep! Thank You for protecting me!
My life, the noise, it does not matter! All that matters is what You see!
Thank You for my 'new' husband, and the work You've done in him!
What an awesome thing to see Your works and all You've blessed us with!
You show me at the perfect moments exactly what I need!
That's a gift within itself! That's a gift 'indeed'!
By grace alone I walk in faith, I trust You'll bring him home!
And when that day will come, that's only for You to know!
Help me to rest in that truth....to live in expectation of Your promise!
Whatever the outcome, feast or famine.....I know Your hand's upon us!
2/11/2016 Sjt:)
-Proverbs 14:30
If a peaceful heart leads to a healthy body, then I am feeling a smidge of conviction! I could use a bit of help lining that truth up with the thoughts of my mind. My thoughts are beginning to bear a bit of rotten fruits in my life today. My spirit has provided me this morning with a rather large dose of clarity. I found myself taking inventory of the last several days, and I am finding that I have some work to do! Praise God that scriptures manifest themselves always 'on time'! Praise God for a new day! Praise God for a brand new opportunity to try a whole new approach! ..........breathe, self......breathe!
Father, thank You for showing up this morning! Thank You for revealing the areas in need of improvement. Help me to line my thoughts and actions with Your word! In Jesus' name, Amen!
Each day you prayed for me. Each day without end.
You never gave up hope, you simply prayed again.
As I wandered out into the dark, you witnessed all the pain.
You carried my burdens with me as I chose to live in vain.
Through it all, you saw the light...the light I did not see.
Though I was so completely lost, you still prayed for me.
I am so sorry for all the hurt throughout my life I've caused to you.
And I am so grateful for the many nights you continued praying through.
Please accept this tray of brownies as more than just a treat,
But rather a representation of your walk with me.
The journey has been steep...and rocky....lots of dark.
But as you all can see, there are lights placed on the top!
The 3 candles represent you, me, and God!
But they also say "Happy Birthday, Mom!"
“Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people”
-Philippians 2:15
Captivate my mind! Help me shed these anxieties, help me to let go!
I know that all I am is a sinner saved by grace!
So please help me to live for You this day!
Mend the brokenness....that which is in and of my mind!
Restore me back to health! Revive me from inside!
2/4/2016 Sjt
-Psalm 3:2-6
There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning! Yesterday was an awesome day! Although I started off feeling completely oppressed, I managed to push myself out the door and to prayer service before church. It saddens me to admit, that I really did not want to go to the prayer room. In fact, praying was the last thing on my mind. I sat quietly meditating on the prayers of the others in the circle, and suddenly I hear my own voice begin to poor out the feelings on my heart! As the words flowed out of my mouth, I could feel my spirit coming alive. Like medicine for the soul; so are the words lifted up to God in prayer! By the end of the day, I found myself outside after dark, sweeping my driveway as I joyfully sang songs of praise and worship! May I just point out, that for an addict whom once was lost in the disease of addiction, that now finds herself 750 days clean and singing as she's sweeping anything......is a miracle! Praise God for that! I have learned that when I find myself in an utter state of drunkenness induced purely by the Holy Spirit, I best soak it up! The enemy despises moments like those, and he tries real hard to steal that joy! Yet, Hold On....Pain Ends! Always!
Father God, thank You thank You thank You, for days like yesterday! I am certain that You are the author of all things good in my life! I love You! In Jesus' name, Amen!
It's time to do something different. I do not like the way I feel. I do not like that my fear of being fat is driving my every decision. It twists my thinking to make me to believe that I am in control, when it is actually quite the opposite. From a case study standpoint, the likelihood of me beating this thing, is slim. Yet, I am an over comer! I can recall being told many many times throughout my life that there is a 3% success rate among those who quit using methamphetamine. That may very well be true, but somebody has to be the 3%! So even if there is the tiniest of possibilities that I could get free from these fearful thoughts and anxieties associated with this brain disorder that drives me to be thin.....I choose to fall into that category! I want to live! I serve a mighty God, and it saddens me to think that so much of my life I have spent distracted by own mind. That sadness comes from the enemy, so I'd rather not dwell too much on that pattern of thinking either. I have to be careful where I allow my thoughts to take me. The enemy can attempt to steal my joy in the most cunning of ways, I will give him that. I wouldn't put anything past him, knowing that, I must stay vigilant! I must remember that God created the enemy too, so I am not confused as to what he is capable of! He is ever evolving his wicked attempts to play on any weaknesses I may have! "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." -John 10:10 God created me for an abundant purpose, and it wasn't to let some statistic determine my destiny!
Father God, help me to stay vigilant! Bless me with new eyes to see! Thank You for Your grace and mercies that are new each day! Thank You for Your patience! Blanket me with peace that I know can only come from You! In Jesus' name, Amen!
1/28/2016
Praise God for a good night's sleep! Our schedule has been so busy busy. We are always on the go somewhere, and It was really nice to just 'be still'. Sometimes I get the feeling I am trying too hard to soak up all the good stuff that I can. Like pouring sweetener into your cup of coffee; there comes a point when the sweetener ruins the perfectly awesome cup of coffee! Here lately, I have been feeling like that cup of spoiled coffee! When filling my days with so much 'good' becomes a drudgery, it is time to re evaluate. So I spent last night doing dishes (at a comfortable pace), a little picking up around the house, and an unscheduled reading date with my 7 year old! Simple (maybe boring to some), but was just what my spirit needed! Praise God that I have a choice today! The enemy tried to steal my joy and make me feel guilty for choosing to stay home last night, but he must have forgotten who my Father is! I am a child of God, not a prisoner to my disease!
Father God, thank You for rest! Thank You for freedom! Thank You for clarity! In Jesus' name, Amen!
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him,
so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
-Romans 15:13
...I'll take a double portion, PLEASE! :)
My God is always with me! He never leaves my side!
He even walks beside on those days I am so blind!
His mercies each day are new! His love.... it never fails!
Because of the cross to which His son was nailed!
He died not just for me, He died to save us all!
Each of us DO need Him! At some point there comes a fall!
But there is a hope that is unending, a rainbow can be found!
Praise God for the journey... that is Heaven-bound!
1/24/2016 Sjt:)
Quite frequently (well almost daily), for the last week or so, my mind has taken me back to the days following the 'storm' in my life. The thoughts and feelings re manifesting themselves in the most peculiar of ways, such as the smells of the seasonal air as I walk. In fact, I am taken back at a level of intensity that amps me up with a level of gratitude like none other! My take on the 'why' behind my spirit needing to recapture those days is perhaps a preparation for this next season of my life. The most beautiful addition to my ability to recall those first days, is also the ability to fast forward to 'this moment'....... brewing up a whole new feeling of "If I can do that.....than I can do this!" Whatever this may be, I can rest in knowing that my God is and always has been.... holding me! So yesterday, I shared with my mom how I have been remembering all those feelings and emotions of those first days in such eye opening detail. I was remembering the miracles of just having the energy and the strength to push forward despite the absence of the drug that I had become so physically dependent on! This strength could not have come without the presence of an Almighty God doing for me what I could never do on my own! It has given me a new level of gratitude for the place on this journey from which I stand! It is a beautiful new view of the valley from which I came! There is power in a fresh perspective! Like a camera man who takes a photo at ground level, and then climbs the mountain to capture the same valley from another angle, and in a whole new light..... it's the same valley......but the angle from which you look at it...... changes everything!
Father God, thank You for the valleys of life! Thank You for the strength to push forward! Thank You for the gift of eyes to see what You wish me to! In Jesus' name, Amen!
Anoint me with favor....my eternal crown!
My heart is open to the One on the throne!
I will stand on Your word, I will not fear the unknown!
Jesus, my Lord! Please cleanse me anew!
Let the words that I speak, only come from You!
Give me this day, my daily bread.
I know that through You ... all my needs will be met!
Each step that I walk, I claim in Your name!
The power within me, will give me the strength!
The author of evil...he cannot win!
Because of Your blood, I am freed from my sins!
I know whose I am, I am not confused!
All that I have....is cuz of You!
Thank You for gifting me with this new life!
I will praise You this day with all of my might!
1/20/2016
Sjt:)
10 "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. 14 Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. 16 In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; 17 and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, 18 praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints,"
-Ephesians 6:10-14
This morning I was under attack! I was completely frazzled and at wits end! Just simply one of 'those' mornings. You know, the kind where you are pulled in 5,000 different directions, running late, tripping over nothing....... For a brief moment I LOST IT! Then, I took hold and stopped myself in my tracks. I know that those defeating moments are not from anyplace I am willing to grant any power to in this life! I calmly shut my bedroom door, and I boldly shouted out to the author of negativity (in a few not too 'choice' words) exactly what I thought of him and all his schemes in the name of Jesus! I do not have to surrender to the enemy today......today I have a choice!!!!! Praise God that chaos and negative energy can be gone just a quickly as they set in! I am not confused as to who my father is!!!!!!
Last night our family attended the first bible study of this new year. Our focus is 'revival', following the opening prayer we were invited to spend 20 minutes or so in private prayer. We had an opportunity to pray in whatever way speaks to us. Some walked around the sanctuary, others knelt at the cross, and there I sat....feeling like I wasn't certain how I should pray. So I graffled for several minutes with God in my heart. I told Him "Lord, I am just not feeling like I even know how to pray." "I just can't turn on meaningful prayer 'on cue'!" He responded with a question: "How do you pray at home?" Well, that is easy.... I write poetry. He said, "Then DO IT!" I began to write whatever immediately came to mind, and the words just flowed onto the page. When we were asked to share anything we had on our hearts afterwards, I sat quietly listening to others, with the still voice inside me telling me: "NOW READ IT!" I was apprehensive to the notion, as the words were un-edited and some didn't really flow or rhyme just perfectly, along with a laundry list of other reasons.....all stemming from fear of vulnerability and the 'like'. All of a sudden, a leader at the church got up in front and told us that he feels someone in the body has a gift that needs to be shared, and the time is NOW. (not in those exact words, but that is the message I received from the words he chose to use.) Immediately my body got warm, and I had this overwhelming conviction from the Holy Spirit......"READ IT NOW!" Terrified.....I raised my hand, and said God is telling me to share the words on this page. So I stepped way outside my level of comfort, and I did it. When the study concluded, people were coming up to me and saying such encouraging words. Mentioning things like "You have a gift" and the similar. I left that place feeling freer than I have felt in quite sometime! The rest of the evening was on such a positive note spiritually, I am so grateful for evenings (or anytime of the day for that matter) like those. Naturally, last night, my dream world was under attack. The Devil does not like it when I am in conversation with the Spirit, I speak from 2 years of that experience. So it did not come as any surprise that he chose last night to make an attempt to steal my joy. No need to recapture the events in the dream, as I am not confused about the 'source'. I responded this morning with a prayer that went something like this...... "Father, do not leave me! Stay!" I sat down at the computer to read the devotional for today: Thursday, January 14,2016: Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."-Deuteronomy 31:6 I sat here staring at those words with a smile on my face for several minutes in amazement! My eyes then scrolled up to 2 words that really got my attention.... STAY CONNECTED! "Okay God, You got it!"
Father God, thank You thank You thank You for speaking to me in ways only You know will blow my mind! I love Your style! And I love that You KNOW mine! It is so awesome that You can be tuned in with such complete and total accuracy to anyone who seeks You! My mind cannot fathom the total depth of Your love, and my words can't come close accurately describe! YOU ARE AWESOME! In Jesus' name, Amen!
Well it is day one into year 3, last night I picked up my black key tag (multiple years clean)! As I looked at the string of tags hanging from my rear view mirror, I found myself in a moment that happened 11 years ago. It was an attempt to get clean without the willingness that is so prevalent and essential for successful recovery. I was at an NA meeting (the only NA meeting I ever attended prior to this journey), and I remember seeing someone with ALL the colors of key tags clipped to the loop on their jeans. I can recall thinking: "yea right, that will NEVER happen for me! I am different!" Well, here I am 11 years later, staring at the rainbow of colors hanging from MY mirror. My eyes then focused on the reflection in that mirror......the person now looking back at me.....IS ME! Thank You, Jesus!
Father God, thank You for recovery! Thank You for life! I know that I still have kinks and webs that need some attention, help me to work on them! Being clean does not equal a life that is free from pain! Thank You for Your mercies that are renewed daily! I am never alone, a triple braided cord is not easily broken! Praise God for the people in my life! Help me to be the string of tags that someone else remembers in another 11 years! I love You! In Jesus' name, Amen!
-Isaiah 42:9
1/10/2016
2 years ago today, I was lost in the wilderness.....unaware of the 'shaking' that would soon take place.
I wanted desperately to stop using, and BIG, BIG CHANGE was on its way!
Having lost all hope that life could be any better, I'd exhausted all ways and means that I knew.
Yet in that state of hopeless desperation, the soil was ready for His seeds of 'truth'!
You see, my warped perspective of who God was...was about to be made clear.
In my certainty that God had forsaken me, He had never been more near!
The 'storm' will be with me forever, it is grafted in my mind.
So that I can stand in appreciation on the other side!
Nothing is impossible with God! Lord, help me to believe that! Help me to receive that! Help me to surrender this eating disorder! I am not giving up hope. I am an overcomer, the battle has already been won at Calvary! Jesus, Your blood IS sufficient! Please open my heart and my mind! Amen!
So, here we are....<5 days away from the big 2 YEAR mile marker! I have this mental image of a tan, sandaled Jesus....arm outstretched.....awaiting a celebratory 'fist-bump'! It HAS been a journey for sure, I choose to see it all as 725 'just for todays'. Some days 'today' is all I've got in me. Each day, Jesus walks with me, and provides me ALL I need! 22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. 23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. -Lamentations 3:22-23 It is a miracle in itself that I have made it this far still saddled with the 'cross' of Anorexia, which manifests a fresh sack of anxieties with each new day. But I can rest assured that my God wants to take my 'sack' from me! 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. -1Peter 5:7 He wants to carry all my pain! I don't have to do this alone! 28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." -Matthew 11:28-30
1 day ahead (on right)
-Ephesians 3:20
“Everything, absolutely everything … got started in him and finds its purpose in him.” -Colossians 1:16
It is so true, this life takes us full circle eventually. At least this has been my experience. God knows that I have spent more than my fair share of this life living it out under my own control; testing the waters so to speak. That got me nowhere but in pain...lots of pain! I look back and consider all the 'soul searching' I have done, I see it now as none other than meandering about in the wilderness of the worldly 'existence'. Let me speak from experience that 'existence' is not a fruit of the spirit! I do not know any creator that whose wish for his creation is anything less than perfection. It is only natural to be driven to a life of fulfillment and purpose. My selfish ambitions were anything but effective in that quest for meaning! So here I am, nearly 2 years clean, and I have yet to completely surrender my own fleshly control. Just when I think I am allowing my Higher power to take the reigns, I find myself still hurting.....still striving for that unrealistic idea of perfection. If I could just have clearer skin, or a bubblier personality, or 'faith like hers'..... Then what? I still wouldn't be happy. That's the real deal! True happiness can ONLY be obtained through a relationship with Jesus!
Father God, thank You for the things I DO have! Help me to be content! Help me to practice self acceptance today! In Jesus name, Amen!
River of peace, do not pass me by!
Wash these thoughts from my mind!
I am lost in the storm with a sinking ship.
My paddles are broken, I am losing grip.
It is balance I am after, yet so foreign to me!
I have such a desire to just let things be!
Oh my God, give me strength! I don't want to die!
Please! Oh God, restore my insides!
My whole life I'm a slave to compulsion with food!
It is time to get free! Oh, it's long over due!
My mind cannot fathom a solution at all!
Here I am Lord, on You I do call!
Do I have what it takes to make it through this?
Take this from me! Help me to admit!
I can't battle this disease! I can't do this alone!
Help me surrender! God, take control!
-Colossians 2:7
12/27/2015
Oh the day when we are all home together again!
With appreciation in our hearts for the journey through which we've been!
No way to know when that day will be, God already has it planned.
Anticipation for that moment when we walk hand in hand!
It's miracles I'm expecting, that only faith can brew about!
For now may serenity fill our hearts, may Your words come from my mouth!
May selflessness be my compass, help me only plant seeds of 'love'.
Help me remember Your ultimate sacrifice when times they are so tough!
It isn't all for not, You have a plan in mind.
Don't let me get distracted! Don't let me become blind!
Plant softness in my heart, may my cup be overflowing!
Cast out all those fears stemmed from the unknowing!
I walk by faith alone, because that's all I need!
Help me to not just speak! Help me to believe!
“The moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayers out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans” -Romans 8:26
I sit here feeling like a fire that's smoldering. Like a branch that's fallen from the tree.
No idea what I am here for, what is God's plan for me?
I compare myself to others, I feel so much less than they.
What could I have to offer next to the beauty they portray?
The other branches, they have color. Their leaves are crisp and sharp!
Yet me? I am so brittle, and falling all apart!
The world, it is all connecting....joyful and reaching out.
Then why do I still sit here with a desire to 'be about'?
The disease that's in my head, it loves for me to be in pain!
It wants me on the shelf! It wants me to be afraid!
My mind keeps me on the sidelines. It tells me "I can't win".
It suffocates my spirit in any way it can!
I am trapped in this 'illusion', I know that's all this is!
Then why do I keep feeding into more and more of it?
Feelings can be so brutal! The web can grow so large!
But one thing that is for certain....my God is never far!
I will push on through this valley, the time is NOW to start!
Until my mind lines up with the 'truth' that's in my heart!
Sjt
12/24/2015
I am NOT giving up! I am a food addict! God, help me to turn this into something beautiful! People die all the time from eating disorders! I will not be a statistic! I have been battling a terrible cold for almost a week now, and last night I was not feeling well at all. My snap solution......ice cream. AGAIN! God, help me!!!!!!!! Ice cream is my weakness! Okay, I need to get my hands on a positive in this someplace. I did buy the lactose-free...... and there is still SOME left! However, when I woke up this morning, I had a bad case of the: "What have I dones!?"
Father God, forgive me for being so weak! I sure could use some self acceptance with a dash of self forgiveness on this day! God, help me to love me! In Jesus' name, Amen!
I have the seasonal blues! Christmas without my husband is right around the corner. I need to admit that I have been filling the 'void' with food.....again! I know what I need in these moments, and it isn't to eat more ice cream and cookies! I need to get more plugged in to God! Then why do I give in to the flesh over and over again? Never have I sat down with to eat my 3rd ice cream cone (in a row), and felt that sense of 'peace' that I am after! I keep knowing what doesn't work, and doing it anyway......in my book.....I believe that to be a classic case of 'insanity'!
Just for today, I will step out in 'Faith', and message my God! For it is written: "Cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you!" -1Peter 5:7
Father God, please lay your healing hands of comfort on my hurting heart! I know that my own eyes do not see what You see! Help me to tap in to the peace of knowing that: "You work ALL things for my good".....ALL THINGS! Help me to 'dine' on that for a change! In Jesus' name, Amen!
-1Peter 4:19
12/17/2015
This time of the year is so difficult, it has been especially painful this year! I am missing my husband sooooo much! Last weekend I was out Christmas shopping, and I see the couples as a team, out purchasing gifts for their families. It hurts my spirit to ponder the 'unknown'. How long will it be until we are together again? Will the boys be grown when that day arrives? Will there be another Christmas all together while they are still living at home? It is those things that, in the past I took for granted, today I look back and appreciate the moments. Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20 though, isn't it? That is one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn.
Well it is official, I am a college student! The first class I am taking....Psychology! I will be learning all about human behaviors and mental disorders! My life experience has given me a drive to learn more about addictive tendencies. I want to give something back to this world! I want to help! Yesterday I took my entrance exams. I was certain that I would end up having to take a Pre Algebra class, as it has been like 100 years since I went to school. God knew better! I passed the test at college level! Praise God that my thoughts of myself are inaccurate! Praise God for the courage to step out in faith and 'try', despite my own thinking!
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” -Matthew 5:43-44
Father God, help me to love myself the way You love me! I see that I can be my own 'worst enemy'! Bless me with a dash or two of self acceptance! In Jesus' name, Amen!
In recovery I have gained new desires. I have made a decision to go back to school. God allowed me to experience all that I have to be a blessing to others. I want to help people who suffer! I want to provide a 'hope' for the hopeless! In order to get an education, I have to take a 'placement' exam. In preparation for this test, I have been taking mini practice versions. Let's put it this way, I've got some work to do! Putting my little toe out and trying something 'new', has been downright nerve racking! It is UNCOMFORTABLE and I want to give up! I really could use a dash of self acceptance, and a sprig or two of serenity! I must remind myself that I will never be perfect! As long as I stay the course, I know that I am right where I need to be at this moment!
Father God, guide me through this process! Grant me the courage to keep moving forward! In Jesus' name, Amen!
And they will be called righteous trees, planted by the Lord, to glorify Him.
-Isaiah 61:3
Nearly 1 month away from 2 YEARS clean! That is a miracle! What a journey this has been! Painful, exciting, challenging, and PACKED full of blessings! A road that is forever! I am a grateful member of the 'no matter what' club! No matter what......I choose to follow Jesus! NO TURNING BACK! :)
-Mark 6:49-50
"Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid!" Oh if only I could know what I know today, and have been in that moment when Jesus spoke those words! The faith that I have come to know, the knowledge of the 'truth', along with the visible presence of the Lord Jesus in the flesh....speaking those words....to me! Talk about THE ULTIMATE SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE! Taking hold of that 'idea' in my mind is enough to keep me floating on cloud 9 forever! Oh the day when Jesus arrives! What will it be like?! I get all giddy inside just THINKING about the experience, so to BE in that moment.....How does that song go? "I can only imagine........"
I have not written in this journal in several days, not because there hasn't been a plethora of God winks to recapture, but rather the reverse. My trial was set to begin this coming Monday. I was preparing my mind for receipt of the 'unknown'; well.....let me back up..... this entire journey has been phases of that mental preparation. Yet, there is just something about those days leading up to 'the day' that have been known to birth a fresh dose of fears and anxieties. I cannot say that was my experience this time, at least not as intensely as prior days leading up to 'the day' on this journey. I could make sense of this in one of two ways. Either (A) ....I am just so completely numbed with fear. Or (B)......I have been blanketed with the "Peace that surpasses ALL understanding". I have chosen to go with option B. There just are no words in the human vocabulary that could accurately summarize that conclusion! God has provided me with my 'daily bread' ....one day at a time.....the exact portion that I need! Do I believe in miracles?????? YES! Let me emphasize that 'YES' with an experience that literally blew my mind: God has blessed me with one magnificent army of loving individuals rallying around my family on our recovery journey! Yet I had not allowed myself to believe that to be 100% true. I still had doubts that they 'really could care about me'. As I sat in the room FULL of people that took time out of their busy lives to show up and support ME......to pray for our family......to show me the true love that IS possible with GOD.....I received a major dose of His 'truth'! You bet I believe in miracles! My whole life I have allowed the author of doubt to dictate my 'perceived' reality! I see the damage and the time wasted living based on a sea of lies the devil injected in my mind. A fictitious web that held me back from all God had for me! Praise God for this new set of eyes!
Father God, thank You for loving me while I was living a lie! Thank You for the eyes to see Your truth! In Jesus' name, Amen!
The Thanksgiving holiday was quite nice. It was a blessing to just 'be'. Life is really good today! I am so grateful that I am able to appreciate the gift of life! I am grateful to be clean! It is hard to imagine that our family was in such a dark place nearly 2 years ago now. Praise God that we do not have to live like that anymore! Praise God for recovery!
Jesus, thank You for the encouragement I receive on a daily basis from the loving people You have put in my life! Father, thank You for my 'daily bread'! In Jesus' name, Amen!
Today is Thanksgiving! I'll have to admit, I woke up this morning feeling oppressed. It just felt like 'another day'. I felt like a robot......just going through the motions. I wasn't in the mood to walk, wasn't in the mood to pray, wasn't in the mood to write......just blah! The questions on my mind: What is it going to take to get excited today? What am I grateful for? I decided to sit down at the computer and surf Facebook. With the thought in the back of my mind that this could either make my frame of mind much worse, or potentially lift my spirits. Just when I was about to shut the computer down, and go get busy cleaning the bathroom or something, alas..... a 'miracle'! I stumbled across a picture that Facebook put out to remind me of where a was 'a year ago'. I clicked on the photo, and took a trip down 'memory lane'! What a blessing to re live the miracle of my youngest child returning home to us! Instantly those same feelings of overwhelming gratitude and excitement were activated like I was living the moment in the present tense. Human emotions, feelings, and experiences have such amazing power! It is so awesome to ponder how God created us with the chemical wiring that makes those 'Ah hah' moments a reality! We humans are such an amazing creation! That in itself is something to be GRATEFUL for! It may sound like a pretty 'broadly basic' gratitude list to some, but when ya really think about it........WOW!
Father God, thank You for the gift of life! Thank You for the precious memories that are stored in my mind! Thank You for the ability to 'feel' ! In Jesus' name, Amen!
But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful. -Psalm 68:3
Ahh! I have this anxiousness that keeps me living in the future! God, please take this 'cup' from me! Help me to be joyous....help me to be free! I desire to live in this moment! I declare victory over the enemy's attack on my mind! The battle has already been won at Calvary! Today is a blessing from my Heavenly Father, God! This is the day the Lord has made! I choose to rejoice and be glad! In Jesus' name.....Amen!
- 1 John 4:16-18
11/23/2015
Your word says: "I have not because I ask not." God, I'm asking You to increase my faith!
Bless me with my daily bread! ....The fuel I need today!
Your blood is sufficient! Your word is only truth!
Take my broken mess, and turn it into 'new'!
Re calibrate my spirit. Line my heart with Yours!
Strengthen my beliefs....like a "triple braided cord"!
Increase my understanding. Clarify my mind.
Give me eyes to see! Filter out the lies!
Jesus, take this day. I surrender it to You!
Jesus, guide me through!
- John 15:5
-Psalm 54:4
-Galatians 3:26
Living and trusting in the 'unseen' rather than what is seen.....In such a fallen world, that is not see easy to do! Everyday I battle with my 'worthiness'. If God's love was measured by what I deserved, the 'seen' would be most logical. The truth is, God loves me. He sent His son do die for my sins! Period! Was His blood sufficient enough? Yes! Then I MUST TRUST that He truly "works ALL things for my good!"
11/16/2014
This morning I have been thinking about God's promises and their application in my life, specifically on this journey of recovery. It has caused me to reflect back and recover those times I can recall His hand at work. Throughout this journey I have been delivered, I have been refined, I have been revived, and thus seeing: I HAVE BEEN LOVED! I am able to see that through the fire, through the pain and discomfort (though frightening and downright difficult)..... those times were all an act of 'love'. An act of love finely tuned to meet my specific needs. Like a blanket, divinely woven to filter out whatever was presently separating me from all God desires for my life, and at a level suitable to meet my capabilities in that 'moment'. And in those times....a reshaping of my character; a reprogramming of 'what was' into something 'new'! "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come." -2 Corinthians 5:17 My choices prior to this journey had brought me to a place so distant from 'the truth'! The wiring of my minds eye: so fragmented by bits of 'lies', all needing to be sifted from my life! God knew the exact formula necessary to remove all of that 'noise'. A 'process' uniquely designed for ME! A scripture comes to mind that caught my attention shortly after the 'storm' that first harvested this path..."For I will give the command, and I will shake the house of Israel among all the nations as grain is shaken in a sieve, and not a pebble will reach the ground." -Amos 9:9 There is no need to recapture the details of that initial 'storm' or 'sifting', but rather to recall the overwhelming sense of peace I felt in the eye of that storm! It was a peace like none I had ever experienced! Today I know that 'peace' could only have been the 'Peace of Christ'! "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:7 That initial 'filtering' stripped away the tangibles; the 'tools' that the devil was using to gain a foothold in my life! God not only allowed the removal of the drugs from my life, He allowed the removal of my children as well! I say this because, that is what I needed. I am able to see that today as an act of 'tough love' from my Heavenly Father! It was an act essential for the refining and rebuilding of the foundation of our home. Though at the time I was incapable of understanding this detail of my story, I am grateful for it now! "Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward" -Psalm 127:3 It took exactly 9 months to the day of refining before our youngest child was returned home to our care. During that time I learned so much about the disease of addiction. I learned how to apply spiritual principles in my life! I learned a new level of gratitude! My spirit has grown exponentially since day one of this journey. I am a new person, on a new path, in a new beginning! A new beginning according to His plan! "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." -Galatians 2:20
- 2 Kings 17:38-39
11/13/2015
So many people are going 'back out' more and more each day;
they are turning back to drugs, it makes me sad to say!
They are some of the ones I least expected, some....they had years clean.
It really hit me hard that that is a possibility!
My heart breaks for those souls who have chosen that painful road,
and the potential devastation that lay ahead for what they've chose!
Much like the 'sheep that's lost it's way, it is no longer with the flock!
But Jesus came for them....to "seek and save the lost!"
Oh I pray that they discover that truly blessed gift!
I pray that they 'awaken', I pray they turn to Him!
Oh my God, please keep me vigilant! Do not let me stray!
Keep me humble. Keep me grateful. In Jesus' name I pray!
11/13/2015
“God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers. Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven”
-Matthew 5:10-12a
-Psalm 91:11
One year ago yesterday, our youngest son returned home to us after 9 months under the care of CPS! It was a day I will always remember! Tears of Joy and Gratitude filled our hearts! The journey was so painful, and my faith was severely tested. Praise God that we did not give up! We continued to stay focused. We did not give up 'No matter what'! One day at a time, we pulled through it! Each stage of this journey has been packed full of lessons and faith testing! Each season has shaped our character, and our family is much stronger for having endured all the discomfort. Would I want to do it all over again? No! Am I grateful that it happened? YES! God knows what is best for us! He is a good Father! He is a loving God!
Abba Father, thank You for the fiery testing in all the seasons of my life! Thank You that those times I was so weak and afraid, You were there to carry me through! Thank You that I was NEVER ALONE! In Jesus' name, Amen!
11/10/2015
Holy Spirit, come! The door of my heart is open, I need a double portion of Your power!
Keep me on Your path, guide me hour by hour!
My faith, it needs an increase! My spirit feels oppressed!
Take my negativity, remind me that I'm 'blessed'!
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. -Ephesians 6:10
Today is day 666. In anticipation of this day, I have been joking around saying: "On day 666 I am going to wrap myself in bubble wrap and stay at church or in a meeting all day!" As I was walking this morning, I came to realize just how truly ridiculous that sounds. I mean really, what is bubble wrap going to prevent in a battle of spiritual warfare?! Lol! I think It best to put on the breastplate of righteousness and the full armor of God if I plan on defeating the enemy today! Yesterday was tough, my disease was peppering me with defeating thoughts.....ALL DAY LONG! Like any other difficult day, it has come and gone! Praise God! Today is a new day!
Father God, thank You for loving me still when I am caught up in my own thoughts! Help me to be kingdom minded rather than self minded! Forgive me for my negative mindset on days like yesterday! Thank You that those feelings are temporary! Thank You that I am still clean! Thank You that the battle has already been won! In Jesus' name, Amen!
-1Peter 1:7
11/6/2015
Holy Spirit, be my Higher Power! Father God, walk with myself and my boys today! Help us to know what is right, and to act on only what is right! "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good! "-Romans 12:21 Guard our mouths from any gossip or ungodly speech. "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing one another in love!" -Ephesians 4:2 Help us to show love to all whom we come into contact with! "Speaking the truth in love, let us grow in every way into Him who is the head, Christ." -Ephesians 4:15 Help us to remember that the things of this world are only temporary. You, God, are all that matters! Knowing this, trials too shall pass! "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out ALL fear!" -1 John 4:18 Help us not to fear! In Jesus' name Amen!
Praise God for the storm is no longer in my head! Praise God that by His grace I am free!
I have fought this war for my entire life! I have struggled! I have suffered day after day!
Now in a moment, the Holy Spirit just took it all away!
My mind just cannot fathom, and there is no need to even try!
I am a living breathing miracle, I am finally free to live my life!
The devil has no authority here, by the blood shed on Calvary!
My God knew that I was broken, He took the chains from me!!!!
11/4/2015
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do
not give to you as the
world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled
and do not be afraid.
-John 14:27
“If you pray to God and seek the favor of the Almighty, and if you are pure and live with integrity, he will surely rise up and restore your happy home. And though you started with little, you will end with much.” -Job 8:5-7
11/1/2015
I miss my husband so much! My spirit is hurting, life is on hold, yet I know that God is working on each of us individually. I know that this time is vital to my family's recovery. Our foundation was built on sand, and rebuilding takes time and patience. Most importantly.....willingness to change! Change is so uncomfortable, especially for me. I have had this eating disorder my whole life! My mind is wired for this compulsive behavior. I asked myself this morning....."How is what you have been doing working for ya, self?" "Are you happy in your spirit?" Well, based on the fact that while I was sharing in the meeting yesterday, I began to cry......I would have to answer: "No, this still is not working!" I cannot keep doing the exact same things. I cannot continue with the old familiar behaviors, and expect a different result. It is mathematically and systematically.....IMPOSSIBLE! I also know that I cannot think myself into the right acting, my thinking is and has always been my problem! I have to act myself into the right thinking! I have to get uncomfortable to get free! I am an addict! I have a disease that is "incurable, and potentially fatal", yet, I can recover!
Just for today, I will step out in faith, and try something different!
Father God, help me to know what I can do to change. Help me to surrender those things I cannot change to You! Bless me with the wisdom to discern between the two! In Jesus' name, Amen!
-Proverbs 11:20
Release me from the 'things' that are trying to take control!
My heart's desire....freedom....it only comes from You!
Jesus, be Lord of all I think and do!
Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.
-Galatians 5:24
Okay, so yesterday I had an awakening of sorts. We attended a funeral of a dear friend that recently passed away due to a battle with cancer. She is a lady that has come to our place of work spreading the 'good news' for years. My mom and my boys and I all rode together in my car. A car that I purchased a little over 3 years ago. I received a notice in the mail just a few weeks ago, reminding me of the 3 year anniversary date. In celebration of that milestone in the history of my car, they were inviting me to bring it in for a complimentary inspection, wiper blades, and a cabin air filter! Since we were going to be in the same part of the world for the funeral, I thought it would be a prime time to take advantage of such an offer. My mom and I had discussed making a day of this along with lunch at a Chinese restaurant (yum!). (perfect right? .....after all, I am a food addict, whom just happens to LOVE Chinese food!) Because I am an addict, and my tummy was beginning to rumble by the time we reached the dealership, the desire for my favorite food was amplified in my mind. (Let me just say, a hungry tummy at a Chinese buffet is not a safe place for me to be!) It is my belief that God had it best for me when the timeline of the funeral, and my appointment time at the dealership did not allow the buffet to happen. He had something better/safer in mind. He really does make a way out for us when temptation is much too intense to handle. It just so happened (or did it? :) ) that the dealership offers a complimentary lunch every Saturday, and we were going to be there for an hour. Though it was not Chinese food, it really was just what I needed. Since I did not over eat, I found in necessary and well deserved to stop for an ice cream cone on our way out of town. (Good ole justification and rationalization at play!) My youngest child was asking how long til we get home, mommy? (He had been pacing the entire time during the hour long visit in the waiting area) Well, I knew of a 'shorter way' home, so I took it upon myself to bust a U-Turn and go back the other direction on the highway. Keep in mind.... the ice cream is still VERY MUCH on my frontal-lobe! Last minute 'good idea', I decide we should cut over 2 lanes of traffic and swing in to sonic. My best thinking caused us to slam in to a truck with a 'mirror-image' of my exact maneuver! What are the odds?! Of course, his side of the mirror contained no 'yield' sign! ugh.... I will say this: My experience has caused me to realize, that an addict who's decision making portion of the brain is focused on ice cream, most definitely belongs in the passenger seat!!!!
Father God, thank You for providing a way out when You know temptation will be more than I can handle. Thank You that the damage to my car was only cosmetic, and nobody was hurt! Thank You for the revelation knowledge You make available to me at precisely the right time! Forgive me for those times I go against Your will for me! Forgive me for being driven by my desire for the ice cream cone that caused us to wreck our car! Please bless me with a more balanced frontal-lobe! I love You! In Jesus' name, Amen!
Just when I feel like I am completely off the path, when I feel like my light has been extinguished,
God reveals more evidence than I need to prove I'm more than wrong!
He is the Great Worker of ALL THINGS good! He is the Master Craftsman behind the scenes.
He can make pieces fit where they once did not belong!
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will
give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle
and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
-Matthew 11:28-29
Lately I am feeling a tug in my spirit. The obsession and compulsion that the disease of addiction, aka: the devil, has set up camp in my life! I declare victory in the name of Jesus! I am not willing to be a puppet to my disease today! Praise God that I HAVE this choice! Get back, Satan, the battle has already been won! Jesus, come in and be Lord of my life! Amen!
Father God, Bless me with Your healing power! Guide me through this day. Do not let me stray from Your path for me! My flesh is weak, increase my faith! Grant me the discipline to rise above my eating disorder! Grant me the serenity to accept the love You so freely give to me! In Jesus' name, Amen!
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. -Psalm 42:11
Last night, I dreamed that I dreamed that I was standing in a river of crystal clear water almost like a waterfall. The water was moving so slowly that it did not appear to be moving at all. While I was standing, I was playing a game of scrabble through the water wall window separating my field of vision and the board. My opponent.... my youngest child. When it came to be my turn to play a word, I chose to play all 7 of my pieces, fitting the entire span of what appeared to be a travel sized version of the game. The word.....'Purpose'. When I awoke within my dream, I instantly knew the meaning of the dream. In excitement, I found myself face to face with a mentor and confidant in my awake life, and whom appears often in my dream world. She stood smiling at me with a halo of light around her as I told her what I felt the dream had meant. She never said a word, only nodded in agreement with my analysis.
You are my lamp, O LORD; the LORD turns my darkness into light. -2 Samuel 22:29
10/13/2015
Father God, I really miss my husband! I find myself on 'auto-pilot' quite often since he has been gone especially. Life is meant to be 'lived', despite our circumstances! Today, I speak 'life'! God, I want to live! Help me to live for You.....selflessly for You! Thank You for the blessed day 640! Today is the beginning of something awesome and new! All glory be to You, the Creator of the stars and everything in between! I love You!
By His grace ALONE, I have been clean nearly 2 years! What a journey it has been!
He has refined me by fire! He has made 'beauty' from ashes and sin!
I do not have to be afraid, for I have seen what my God can do!
Whatever struggles lay before me, He makes a path that's new!
He is larger than my problems! He is able to heal my pain!
In the middle of the desert, my God can make it rain!
I may feel as though I'm stagnant, and in my mind I make a storm!
But my God, He's in the boat...keeping me from harm!
And when I'm in my anxiousness, frantic...I thrash about,
He reminds me of His calmness! The 'lies'....He cancels out!
10/8/2015
Okay, so life is really good! I have been walking prayer circles around our neighborhood everyday for almost 2 years now. I meditate on the picture in my mind's eye of my vision for our family. Just when I think I am not being heard, or that God just isn't interested in the desires of my heart.......He literally BLOWS my mind! Today I drive up to pick up my oldest son from school. He and his best friend have some plans for the evening in brew. Not typical teenage plans by any means! He says: "Momma, we were invited to go help feed the homeless in Ft. Worth. Is it okay if we go?" I was so blown away by the proposal! My immediate reaction in my mind was......Wow, thank You, Jesus! I love seeing the miracles and the blessings that manifest at just the right time! :)
During the night the mystery was revealed to Daniel in a vision. Then Daniel praised the God of heaven and said: "Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever; wisdom and power are his. He changes times and seasons; he sets up kings and deposes them. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him. I thank and praise you, O God of my fathers: You have given me wisdom and power, you have made known to me what we asked of you, you have made known to us the dream of the king." -Daniel 2:19-23
Today I may be in pain, but Praise be to God ... joy comes in the morning!
If I did not hurt at all, I could not appreciate what my God does for me!
Those thoughts the devil throws my way, I know they are ALL lies!
Lord, I praise You for blessing me with this NEW set of eyes!
This bottom I am feeling today is nothing compared to my bottom of the past!
This is not my first time to hurt, and it definitely will not be the last!
The wicked one changes his approach as I grow in my walk with Christ.
I can see all his 'attempts' when I look back at my life.
He knows that drugs are a dead avenue, he no longer can win there!
I am capable of rebuking him with the armor that I wear!
Each time he changes strategy, I have to change mine too!
I find peace in knowing that, my God will lead me through!
.....and joy DOES come in the morning. Yesterday was so heavy! My emotional state was anything but joyful! I was the in every sense of the words: A MESS! I know today, I do not have to stay there long. Today I know my God will provide ALL my needs according to His will for me! I woke up today KNOWING that truth. I wrote the poem (above), then went to roust the kiddos for school. When I walked in to my bedroom, I found the most amazing gift! My 6 year old child had made my bed!!!!!! It was a complete and total surprise, and he was smiling so big in response to my reaction. My thoughts were "Yep, joy DOES come in the morning!" We left the house on time (another miracle). The ride to drop off the boys was a continuation of the feelings that just harvested in my bedroom. I was basking in the joy that filled my heart as I dropped off my teenager at school. He opens the car door and steps out to be arriving at the same time as one of the boys from youth group at church! So I am having trouble re created the moment with the accurate words so let me just say this.... I am pulling away, appreciating the breathtaking sunrise to my right, and watching my son in my rear view mirror ...smiling and walking side by side with this boy in to school! Smiles and tears of joy and gratitude set the stage for THIS NEW DAY! Praise be to God, the Almighty! Who IS and WAS and ALWAYS will be...... the Creator of all things GOOD!
Lord, help me to grow stronger in faith! I have been feeling so run down, I feel like giving up! Refresh my desire to "run with purpose"! Thank You for this day! Thank You for all that I have been blessed with! Help me to be a blessing for others! My burden is heavy, but Your yoke is light! I am reaching out for You! Please take my hand and guide me! Line me up with Your plan! Open doors that I cannot open! You are my Healer, my Deliverer, my Strength! In Jesus' name, Amen!
-2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Yep, God is always there to meet me on my morning walk! Some days He makes His presence more evident than others. This morning was one of those more tangible moments! (Praise God for that!) So, as we are walking, I am sharing all that is on my heart. I typically do not speak my prayer out loud as I am walking, but today I felt it necessary to do so. A portion of my prayer went something like this: "Search through me, oh God! You know what is on my heart! You know where I am anxious! Examine my motives! For when I am weak.....then I am strong!" "Use my weaknesses for 'good'! Your power is already in me! Help me to receive that power, and BELIEVE! Increase my faith!!!!!" I returned home to read my devotional, and God replied with: 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. -2 Corinthians 12:9-10 What a wonderful way to start this day! Thanks, God! And I will polish off this post with a bold AMEN!
The road I walked as a child... my self image....I had no worries! I had no fears!
The defects I have are something that I have learned throughout the years.
Born into this life where trust and love is all I knew!
I am beginning to recollect where these fears were introduced.
There is no fear in love, perfect love casts out all fear!
Slowly the decay creates distortion in the mirror.
No accurate rhyme or reason that makes fears to fact!
Yet lies they are so powerful! They can change the way we act!
Thinking back to the first moment where my defects first set in....
It would have to be the first time I was rejected by a 'friend'.
Words, they can be our strongest weapon, for the good, or for the bad!
I can see the devastation a few simple words can have!
I cannot recall the exact phrase, it's the 'feeling' that resulted,
it took root inside my spirit, and through more lies it was salted.
The muddy river of deception flowed into my once clear eyes.
Until eventually the fruitless plant....it controlled my life!
Like a 'robot' I was programmed! My behaviors....all based on something fake!
The fictitious web of wiring! ......It was beginning to suffocate!
Unaware of what was wrong! I didn't like the way I felt!
I did not know I was an 'addict'! I did not know I needed 'help'!
God knew the whole time! He walked with me through the pain!
He was with me in the darkness! He's seen my worst of days!
Even then, He still loved me! He never left my side!
He knew when I would call on Him! He knew I was done this time!
I want an unblemished faith....unaffected by the temporal! The faith I had when I was a little girl!
I remember always being so happy! No fears or doubts or lack of self acceptance to be had!
Just a joyful carefree child who would do anything to make you laugh!
I did not want a sole to be upset! Driven to be a comfort to any tearful eye!
Lord I no longer wish to 'walk'....Father God, I wish to 'fly'!
Jesus, help me to be myself today. Help me to be honest, loving, and true!
Lord, guide me through this day! Help me to live for You!
Lord, You are my 'Comforter', my 'Helper', my 'Teacher', and my 'Friend'!
Jesus, You are the answer! In Your name I pray.....Amen!
Sjt:)
All the things I see as negative....could it actually be the reverse?
Could something be a blessing that I once viewed a curse?
The burlap sack I carry, the one that I label as 'PAIN'...
through a different set of glasses might be my biggest gain!
I just had a fleeting thought, what if my struggles are my answer?
I could view them as an education, rather than a cancer.
Although many days I feel so burdened....no freedom to be had.
Feeling as if I am so far off track, with no hope of getting back.
For my God does not cause confusion, He is a God of peace!
His hand, it is upon me...this storm too will cease!
My eyes can't see what He sees... things may seem 'illogical'.
He whispers: "Child just listen"....He whispers: "Child be still".
Sjt:)
In my dreams I make a difference, In my dreams my voice is heard!
In my dreams I am a 'doer'.... a teacher of 'the word'!
In my dreams I have the courage; I'm not afraid to try and fail!
In my dreams I have the confidence to readjust my sail!
In my dreams I am an encouragement, a light for those in need!
In my dreams I am all I imagine I could be!
So when will I break out of the box I put me in?
When does the dream end, and reality begin?
Sjt:)
-Ephesians 3:20
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good! -Romans 12:21
I woke up this morning feeling a bit disconnected spiritually. Mornings are my time for prayer and meditation. The thoughts in my head were preventing me from praying what was on my heart. In fact I could not even come up with the words to pray at all! I looked up at a piece of scripture I have taped to my wall..... I read it out loud: "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good! -Romans 12:21. Then, I sat down at my computer to read the devotionals I read every day. What you ask, was the scripture reading for today? Ahhhh, of course it is Romans 12:21! Praise God that He is here listening, even when my prayers aren't 'perfect' (if there is such a thing as a perfect prayer). You see, my objective for my day yesterday was to connect with my boys, specifically my teenage son. I am completely clueless when it comes to the ways and means to tackle that idea. I have never been at this stage of life before (a mother of a teenager). I have this image in my mind of us being joyful and 'fluent' with each other. Is my mental image an attainable reality? Or is my vision a bit skewed? Maybe I need to set some mini goals in building that relationship, with the ultimate 'idea' of my mind set a bit further down the road. Oh, if my eyes could just see SOME progress rather than condemn myself to 'failure' status when I do not make things happen in ONE day! God, You know what's in my heart! I need not let the wicked one classify my idea as unsuccessful, thus preventing me from building any relationship at all! This addict mind I possess is ripe for harvesting a million thoughts per minute it seems! I declare victory over the battle this is in my own head! Get back Satan! Jesus is Lord of my life and my thoughts!
Father God, help me not to allow the fictitious world my mind creates over and over to prevent me from Your plan in my life! Those lies and the negativity are not welcome here! I declare victory in Jesus' name! I bind every condemning and evil thought and cast them out in Jesus' name! Amen!
I've got this monkey on my back! He's beginning to drive me nuts!
He's been with me my entire life.... used to fit me like a glove!
But as I'm growing and I'm changing, he still stays the same!
I really wish he'd just let go..... find somewhere else to play!
Letting go is not easy, for me too sometimes it seems.
I've gotten so used to having him be attached to me!
Change won't happen until discomfort plays it's vital role.
Otherwise there'd be no reason at all to tell him where to go!
He is like that old dirty blanky I carried as a child!
Though tattered and no more color... it's comfort made me smile!
My mom, she knew the best for me...so she sent it on its way.
In that moment I was so upset, but I understand why today!
There is a time and place for everything, seasons come to pass.
Unfortunately my blanky couldn't come with me to class.
This season of my life is bringing change and growth.
I am going to new places where monkeys cannot go!
I have carried him so many years, my body adjusting to his weight,
yet I have to shed some baggage to fit through this 'narrow gate'!
Though he irritates me something fierce, I have grown so used to him.
But I have to ask myself this question....Am I going to sink or swim?
Sjt:)
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, -Colossians 3:23
“The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in
you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give
life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you.” -Romans 8:11
The same power that raised Jesus from the dead lives in me?
Oh my God! How awesome! Help me to believe!
My mind keeps me so distracted, victory I declare!
Satan, get back! You are not welcome here!
Day by day, I robe myself with armor... I focus on the goal!
Righteousness....the answer! Touch my lips with coal!
My hearts desire....a deeper faith; a relationship with You!
Wash away the poison! Anoint my head with truth!
This world, it is so fallen! The time is drawing near!
The day is getting closer, my vision becoming clearer!
I will delight in all my struggles! All my pain be praise for You!
I smile in knowing that, You will see me through!
I submit myself to You, oh God! I resist the wicked one!
I find peace in knowing that....the best is yet to come!
My days...they are all numbered, time is very short!
Help to give freely of the Jesus in my heart!
Love is the antidote for the disease that's of this world!
I possess that healing power! I'm more than 'just a girl'!
I stand firm on that foundation! Lead me to the need!
Guide me through this day! Strengthen my beliefs!
Rid me of distractions that deter me from Your plan.
Without You....I cannot! With You....I know I can!
Sjt:)
I am struggling lately! I mean really struggling. There is some sort of 'unrest' within me! I am so distracted by everything around me in my home that needs attention. Though I see it all, and it is making me feel this way, I do nothing to change any of it! It is almost as if my mind is on overload! I do not like the way this makes me feel, and as an addict, I like to change those uncomfortable feelings. I have been turning to food to do that for me. So, I ask myself: "How's that working for ya?" Well that's a darned good question! And I know the answer.....it isn't! Why do I continue to do what I know DOESN'T work?! Unfortunately I also suffer from Anorexia, and on the flip side....binge eating! So when I try to fill the empty discomfort (that is not physical hunger), it only worsens the situation! It creates a storm of worry and beating myself up! How do I counteract that storm? I walk for miles and miles! All the walking takes time and energy, precious energy that I seem to be short on. Logically speaking, when one has a mass of things surrounding them that need to be addressed..... energy is essential! I know God is all powerful! I have witnessed that power in my life! He delivered me from the drug that was once in complete control of my life! That happened because I believed and trusted it to be true..... I surrendered it completely! Perhaps I could use a dash of surrender in this area of my life? Ya think? Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. -Mark 11:24 The answer is right in front of me, all I have to do is step out in faith......and BELIEVE it!
Father God, take this cup from me! My flesh is so weak! My spirit is uneasy! I desire less of me, and more of You! Please give me the courage to put the bat down! Help me to know when I am hungry, and to STOP when I am full! Father, thank You in advance for delivering me from food addiction, and mindless eating! You are all powerful! You ARE bigger than my hurts! You ARE the portion I need for any struggles in my life! I love You!
In Jesus' name, Amen!
9/5/2015
God help this addict! I am so weak! Show me how to live!
The devil wants me dead! I will not let him win!
He attacks me in my mind! He keeps tempting me with food!
He knows that's where I'm weak! Help me conquer him with truth!
I'm not willing to be a glutton! I don't want to live in sin!
Why do I do the same thing over and over again!?
Please anoint my head with blessing! Protect me with Your love!
There is no power greater than Yours that's from above!
I possess the Holy Spirit, help know I have this gift!
And use it for Your glory instead of holding it all in!
“It was faith that made Moses leave Egypt without being afraid of the king’s anger. As though he saw the invisible God, he refused to turn back” -Hebrews 11:27 I could go for just a fraction of that kind of faith! My spirit is willing, yet my flesh is so weak! Yet, I am not gonna give up! One day at time is all I know. Just for today, I choose to follow Jesus. "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." -James 4:7 I had to speak this verse the entire time I was walking this morning! The devil likes to TRY to worm his way into my head via my thoughts. He just loves to try to get me to feel defeated! Praise God that I know the truth! "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." -John 10:10 .....So pack your bags, Satan!
"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." -James 4:7 Tomorrow I will have 20 months clean! Every day has been a precious gift from God! Praise Him that I have been willing to submit myself to His authority. I "had not, because I asked not" before! (James 4:2) I spent so much of my life in the bondage of my addiction. Unaware of God patiently waiting on me to call on Him. "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." -Matthew 7:7 And in my moment of desperation, when I was tired of being 'sick and tired'..... I cried out for change! He rescued me from the darkness! He freed me from my pain! Praise God for faith! "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1 Praise God for grace! "He mocks proud mockers but gives grace to the humble." -Proverbs 3:34 Praise God for His unfailing love! "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." -John 3:16 Praise Him for the 'book of life'!
He who overcomes will, like them, be dressed in white. I will never blot out his name from the book of life, but will acknowledge his name before my Father and his angels. -Revelation 3:5
-Psalm 119:2
8/30/2015
I once walked fully in the flesh; a slave to earthly desires!
Til one day the Lord came to set this girl on fire!
I thought I carried the solution, that the power came from me!
I was so very blind and ignorant! Praise God, now I see!
My life was fueled by lies and deception, yet I desired another way.
He plucked me from the darkness and made me the girl I am today!
Praise God for that humility! Praise God for that desire!
Praise God that I was broken! And praise God for that fire!
“Sing out your thanks to him; sing praises to our God” - Psalm 147:7
Yesterday morning, the devotional website was down that I normally read. The day just felt a bit 'off'. I marched on anyway with a positive attitude; with the victory through Jesus mindset! On the drive to work, a question came to mind: "Well, God....what devine appointment do you have in store for me on this day?" Well, A dear friend stopped in on our morning break. Isn't it so like God that when He puts somebody on your heart, they either call or show up within hours of the thought!? We had such a beautiful conversation, sharing about each other's teenager issues and life on life's terms. She ended up spending the day with us, and helping us work. As we were working, we talked about 'God-winks' and all the different ways He speaks to us all the time! I really enjoyed the time we spent together, and I truly miss being able to share more of them. It was just one of those days where I was simply basking in the presence of the Holy Spirit to the point where I was on the verge of tears of joy and gratitude all day long! When the day was nearing the end, and it was time to run the packages to town to ship, I found myself singing along with all the songs on the radio. I mean like 'shower style' praise and worship in my car! I love it when I am feeling so moved that I just want to sing with all my heart! Even at this present moment; as I recall the day's events and the feelings that I felt, it brings the sweetest smile to my face! :) I brought the paperwork back to the shop, we said our goodbyes, and I thanked her for spending the day with us. Then it was back on the road to pick up the boys from school. The worship picked right back up, and continued all the way to school. I pulled up to claim my spot in the long train of cars that seemed to go on as far as I could see. My tummy was beginning to make all kinds of racket, because I am always super hungry and this time of the day. Rather than get agitated, I pulled out my bible and began to read the suggested reading for the day. Then all of a sudden, I had this random thought. "There is something fantastic that I need to witness as I sit here!" (i could just feel the thought!!!) I looked in my side mirror, and coming up from behind me was an 18 wheeler. I cannot say I have seen very many of those on this road, as it is not a main artery in the city. Well, that truck was supposed to be there! On the front grill of the cab was a lit up cross! I thought, "Wow! am I glad that I got to see that!" As I was smiling and thanking God for that gift, and studying the vehicle as it passed by.....I look up at the back of the cab: It read, In huge lettering that covered its entire back side: SAVED BY GRACE!
God knows all things! He knows where we are on the planet! What we will be reading, and when we will be reading it. He knows the exact minute our eyes are going to look up and into the side mirrors of our cars! He knows the appropriate times we need to read the blessed messages He sends our way. He knows what we will be doing every minute of every day. He knew that I was going to catch up on two days worth of devotionals this morning, and that it was gonna have way more meaning to me after my day yesterday of praise and worship!
....... “Sing out your thanks to him; sing praises to our God” - Psalm 147:7
...Amen!
Well tomorrow is back to school! I feel a bit blue about that. This morning I spent my walk beating myself up for the summer vacation I was able to provide for my boys. We spent most weekends driving up and down the road to visit my husband. I really should be thankful that they, and my mom were willing to make that sacrifice along with me, rather than feeling guilty that I was not able to orchestrate the 'ideal summer vacation'. Heck, who even knows what that is exactly? I have to ask myself whose standard am I trying to live by? The world's idea of the best summer ever!? Or God's plan? Those two are very different. I think I need to give myself a break. I am certain that I could not possibly be the 'only one' who is struggling with this very issue! The more time I spend holding the bat, the more joy I am giving up! Ahhhhhh.....precious 'clarity', we meet again!
Thank You, Father, for providing us with the ways and means to go see my husband! Thank You, that we are all together! Thank You that I was able to do it, clean! Thank You for all that You have blessed me with! In Jesus' name, Amen!
Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him.
-Psalm 127:3
Today my precious boy, he turns 15, time's gone by too fast!
seems like I blinked my eyes and so many years have passed!
I remember the day he was born, how terrified I was.
Would I be the mom he deserves? Would I be enough?
Each stage of his life has been so great! I'm blessed to be his mom!
The ups, the downs, life's challenges....we've been through it all!
He has a depth about him, a uniqueness like none i've seen!
His intuitive sense and creative charm...it just amazes me!
I have made some very poor choices in these last few years.
He calmly walked right through the storm....he boldly faced his fears.
This is his first birthday since returning home, and I can proudly say!
I'm gonna be the best darned mom that I can be for my son today!
Father God, thank You for the gift of my sons. Thank You for protecting them while we were recovering from the aftermath of the storm caused by the bad choices in my life. Thank You for forgiving me for those choices. Thank You that I can be the mother I was afraid I could not be. Everything that I have today is because of You! In Jesus' name, Amen!
UPDATE: Okay, so was making good headway on today's endeavor. Key word= 'was' I knew that the moment any food items went into my body, productivity would diminish in 2/1ratios (food being the 1....just in case there is any confusion)! I am a food addict! I could really use some deliverance in this area of my life!
Father God, please make me STOP eating. Please help me to only eat when I am hungry, not when I am sitting here staring at the piles of cr@p that now surround me! In Jesus' name, amen!
Emotional eating, I surrender you to the only Power sufficient for the task..... the Power of Jesus!
Today is day 3 of taking action! I have been feeling rather convicted lately in the matter of organizing my home to follow suit with the changes that I have been making in my person. As an addict, sorting through all the clutter that smothers my spirit is rather overwhelming! I do believe there is a time and a place for everything! "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens." -Ecclesiastes 3:1 The time for this, is NOW! With God's help, nothing is impossible! "For nothing is impossible with God." -Luke 1:37 I know from life experience, that I have never been very good at throwing anything away. As long as I let go and let God......I can do this! "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" -Philippians 4:13
Father God, guide me through this process! Bless me with just enough light for the step I am on! In Jesus' name, amen!
Was just cleaning my office, going through piles of paperwork that got shoved into random folders during my active addiction. I ran across a poem I wrote shortly after my nephew passed away in December of 2009....
It is amazing for me to see how much my faith has grown since I wrote this! Another fresh reminder of how much I have changed, and at precisely the right moment! It is mind blowing how God works too. I was remembering writing this poem several days ago, and I wondered if I would ever find it. Thanks, God! :)
- So, how's the afterlife? Are they keeping you safe?
- Do you stay close to your parents? I sure hope they are okay.
- I think about you a lot, Ryan. I only wish we'd spent more time.
- You sure touched a lot of hearts, I know I'm thankful you entered mine.
- No matter how very brief, the memories will be cherished always.
- Live life...don't be afraid. And if you are, don't give up...try anyways.
- That's what it's about, and that's exactly how you lived.
- Wow it took you only 14 years to do what I am STILL struggling with!
- Ryan, I know my pain isn't a fragment of what your parents are going through.
- And if I lost my son, I don't have any idea what I'd do!
- Maybe my pain isn't directly associated with your going to another place,
- I hurt for my brother, to know he is experiencing that kind of pain!
For the Holy Spirit, God’s gift, does not want you to be
afraid of people, but to be wise and strong, and to love them and enjoy
being with them. - 2 Timothy 1:7
8/14/2015
Having my brother and his family come to visit has made me realize how essential the gift of 'family' truly is! For so many years down here, I had been numbing the void in my life. I had 'settled' for "this is just how life is". I spent many days lying to myself, and had come to believe those lies as truth. The time we spent together this past weekend provided a major dose of clarity, and spiritual revival. They left 3 days ago, and I have spent the majority of those days re-thinking my situation. "How can I get that connectivity to be more consistent in my life today?" Not just for me, but for my boys and my mother. It is so beautiful to me to realize that though time and distance created a huge lapse between us, the spiritual heart strings are stretched....but never broken! Did God intend for families to live with so many miles between each other? Maybe.....maybe not. Based on the data of my mind's eye; here is my conclusion: True love knows no time, and can always be made more beautiful! Love is so powerful, that humans will get into a car and drive for 18 hours for a hug! The answer lies in the spirit realm, not in the world of logistics! Praise God for the gift of 'love'!
When the disease of addiction in our home dealt insanity,
You filled the shoes not yours to fill, you were a dad to me!
When humor was needed to 'calm the storm',
you wrapped up spiders....you broke your arm.
You made sacrifices when you were but a child yourself,
You saved me from that nickel that I stuck in my mouth!
I remember when mom and I moved out on the farm,
and you drove me to school in her red Dodge Dart!
Then, when we stayed on Broadway Street,
...the countless times you rescued me!
When we were all together in our homes down South,
you never hesitated when I needed help.
You changed my oil, you fixed my brakes,
We ate Chinese..... we stayed up late.
You fixed me up when I "needed" bass!
You watched me walk across the stage.
I never felt like I did not matter, thank you so much for that!
and now, here I stand as an adult, who always had a 'Dad'!
Deeply in prayer, in the heat of the day,
approaching lap 6, sweat rolls down my face.
I march down the main road, in the distance I see,
a large group of people...they are walking towards me.
My first thought..."That's unusual, who walks in this heat?!
And They all walk together.... as a family?!"
"That man sure looks a lot like my brother!
And the last person in line looks just like my mother!"
"Oh my God! Could it be none but just that?!
Maybe I should have taken that nap!"
My heart leaps from my chest, it's true...they are here!
I am witnessing a miracle! An answer to prayer!
My thoughts...they are jumbled, no words come to mind!
In complete disbelief, no sense can I find!
For nearly 2 years....I have wished for this day!
It could not have been orchestrated in more perfect a way!
I am humanly incapable of sufficient words to express,
how perfectly awesome my God truly is!
Sjt:)
-Psalm 130:5
Be still and know that He is God!
The sweet sound of waters, In stillness...a song!
As surely as the birds fly through the air!
Be still and know that He's always there!
No need to be busy, no need for the noise.
No need for distractions, or big fancy toys.
Be still...hear the whisper, hear His voice in the trees!
The calm flutter of the branches that blow in the breeze.
I've been so lost in the shuffle that life's handed me!
The simplicity of 'togetherness'... This makes life complete!
The spiritual root system, the MasterCraftsman Himself...
has intricately woven together with love!
Father God, thank You for loving me during the time that I was so lost. Thank You for being patient while I plowed full speed into a life of darkness. Thank You for rescuing me when I fell on my face! Thank You for Your amazing grace! I am not alone, and never have been! Thank You that I am able to see that too! Thank You that You have restored me to a person that is far better than I ever imagined that I could be. Help me to be the mother, wife, and daughter that is pleasing to You! I will never be perfect, and that is okay! Thank You for that also! Guide me through this day! Your will, not mine, be done in my life today! In Jesus' name, Amen!
Today is Saturday, August 1, 2015. There will only be one of 'this day'. What will God have for me on this day? Will I think back 5 years from now and say...."I remember that day!" I have a deep desire to have a lifetime of these type of epiphanies! Quite often I feel like my mind takes me to someplace far beyond the realms of what I see in front of me. It is as if I am high in the sky like a bird flying over all the noise. Flying over all the miles of power lines that string from city to city. In the world we walk beneath a web of man made connectivity, yet we are far more disconnected then ever! We imprison ourselves within our homes, within our protective bubbles, within an 'illusion' of how we think life should be. How often do we truly show this world who we really are? Do we even allow OURSELVES to see beyond the surface? The baggage that we carry through life that we couldn't possibly share with another soul! We all have it! None of us is unique in that way! Why do we go through life weighed down with such heavy burden? It is my theory that the addict who admits that he/she is an addict, really is no different than any non addict. I see it like this: I used drugs to hide all that baggage from myself. But in recovery I am seeing that It does not have to be drugs that I hide behind. The difference between an addict an a non addict, is the obsessive and compulsive behaviors. I can see evidence of those behaviors with nearly 2 years clean! Anything that distracts me from seeing who I am, or allows anyone else to see, is a spiritual disconnect. I do not have to be an addict to suffer from this disconnection. I see that in the world, in my neighborhood, at my church, on tv!......everywhere! It is a characteristic of humanity! Some of us have more resources to hide behind, but essentially, we are all just the same. It has been my experience that drugs were for me, the ultimate spiritual disconnect! But I see it with food, electronic devices, anything that pacifies! Those thoughts and feelings created by that sack of baggage I have carried through life, have driven me! These past 567 days, I have thought I was getting 'free', but I see that the only thing I have gotten 'free' from.....is the drugs that were running the show! I am still carrying around this fictitious image of who I 'think' I am! I have also learned that the antidote to that diseased way of thinking, is LOVE. We show love to another when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, thus opening the door for the other to do just that! It is easy to walk around loving each other's illusory image. But who are we kidding? Do I want someone to love 'me', and at the same time...... shed all the burden? Or do I wanna barrel through life driven by a sack of lies, only to get to the end and realize it was all meaningless!? Vulnerability is the ultimate honesty! It is the rawest, purest form of love, and that is what I am searching for!
Father God, help me to shed the burden! Help me to let others love me! Help me to show love! In Jesus' name, Amen!
7/30/2015
Tied to my fingers and my toes....the pieces of my life,
barely hanging on, barely getting by.
I watch the world around me, there is such a disconnect!
It's an age all types of addiction! An age of selfishness!
It makes me sad to see people hurting and in need.
The sea of sickness on the news, the hatred and the greed!
It makes me look at my own life, the areas that need change.
which leads me toward the negative...no place I choose to stay.
The obsession and compulsion...I feel it setting in.
If I cave to these thoughts long, I'll be in battle once again!
Have I surrendered to my God? Is my faith really there?
If I truly put my trust in Him, I wouldn't be so scared!
I ask myself these questions. I doubt my own beliefs.
I want that eternal mindset! I want a faith that's deep!
Sjt:)
My mother in law called me last night. My husband caught chain to another facility. We do not know where he is going yet. That feeling of fear in my stomach came back. The 'unknown' can be such a brutal reality, especially when my emotions are in a state of maximum capacity. The phone call was as if it were a button signalling the tear gates to bust open. It was so sudden and unexpected, for my mother in law as well. Part of me was excited that another step of the 'process' was taking place. Part of me was deeply fearful..... where would he be moved to? When will I get to see him? Will it be further away? Will he arrive there safely? Not knowing......that can be such a bullet to the heart sometimes. I used to prefer to 'not know', it kept me in that bubble. I could keep myself disconnected, thus shielding me from pain. This journey has taught me that burying my head in the sand only got me high. At some point, one has to come up for air. I am able to see that all the difficult feelings are part of the process as well. God provides just what I need for the step that I am on. Thank God that feelings come and they pass!
Father, please keep my family safe. Guide us all through this process. Use us for Your purpose. Help us to remember that this journey isn't just about 'us'......It is about serving You! It's about carrying Your message! Thank You for loving us when we do remember, and thank You for loving us when we forget. Glory to God in the good times, and Glory to God in the hard times! In Jesus' name, Amen!
All around me life is business as usual, yet I a silent spectator imprisoned within myself.
A cocktail of emotions, my entire universe just sitting on the shelf.
I have built these bulletproof walls all around me out of habits I just can't break!
These chains are so darned heavy! What is it going to take?!
I've been clean now for 19 months! Lately it feels like days!
How does one come so far to still be in so much pain!?
I am screaming inside but no sounds are heard, these feelings are foreign to me!
I used to numb all this stuff before! God I could use some serenity!
Today is a new day, a blessing, a time to be remade through You!
Guide me through this process, inspire me with Your truth!
Oh Lord, please change my focus! Make me strong in faith!
Bless me with the tools to make it through this day!
Sjt:)
7/25/2015
It has really hit me pretty hard, that this might be for a minute.
Days or years whatever it may be, I know that I am 'in it'.
You may be there and I out here, but we both are put on hold.
Still praying for a miracle, so many go untold.
God is always at work behind the scenes, I put my hope in that.
Some days I forget to let God be God, I forget to lay down the bat.
I don't have to try to control it all, I just do the next right thing.
But I gotta admit I have my moments when that seems so challenging.
Saturday nights it's so fresh on my mind, I only know to write.
Heck all I know is that I'm in pain...seems it's worse tonight.
It helps me to sort out my thoughts, It helps to calm my spirit.
Some like to talk it out, but it hurts when I have to hear it.
I write my pain, my joy, my struggles....whatever it may be.
At any given moment..... it's always worked for me.
Oh God, please keep my husband safe! Guard his heart and mind!
Keep him focused on the rainbow that waits on the other side!
Sjt:)
Spark my creativity! Make me like a child!
I want to live transparently! Turn me inside out!
No more time I wish to spend in pursuit of happiness!
Help me to be content in this moment I am in!
I watch my son play joyfully, I watch him chasing bugs!
I want that innocent, unconditional kind of love!
We humans are so stupid! We make noise and take no action!
We rush to where we're going with little satisfaction!
Who cares if there might be traffic! Who cares how much it costs!
Be grateful for the irritations before this life is lost!
Who cares if I do stumble! Who cares if I'm no good!
Better than countless days of "if only" or "i should"!
If I don't try...I'll never know. Might as well delete my thoughts.
In my mind I've lived a thousand lives, but I'm still on the couch!
The battle that's in my own head, it plays that tape for me!
It tells me I can't do it! It gets me to believe!
The simple stuff has meaning, the beauty that is free!
If only I could just 'be still' to see the gifts in front of me!
Sjt:)
It's time to step out of the box, it is time to try something new!
It's time to start believing that I can do it too!
I want to be a writer. God, is that what You desire?
Please open doors for me! Set this girl on fire!
My self-image is so distracting, my mind... it screams defeat!
My whole life I have been drawn to pray with poetry!
There HAS to be some meaning, help me sort this out!
Purpose and fulfillment....is that not what life's about?
This selfish girl inside me, she is so much afraid!
I am asking for direction....so many times I've prayed!
Remove the blinders from my eyes, send me a clear sign!
God, is this Your idea? Or is it simply mine?
Sjt:)
I know all of your habits, all your patterns, what you eat,
but get below the surface....what truly are your needs?
I have asked myself this question time and time again.
I want to get to know you. I want to be your friend.
I don't want you to appease me just to spare a fight.
I want to hear your input, to know what's on your mind.
The bible says that we, are together now as one.
Though we did this whole thing backwards, I know it can be done!
Our choices dealt some lessons, but from them we can grow!
Into what God has designed for us... to truly be a whole!
You see before we were existing, we never knew each other.
It did not seem like we were married; more a sister and a brother.
United we will stand! Like a house that's built on rock!
Jesus as our cornerstone, through any trial we'll walk!
So many years of precious life in defensive mode.
With blinders on, in bondage....it's time to break the code!
So much time we spent together as people that were pretend.
I want to get to know you! I want to be your friend!
Have you ever thought of life this way? Of how we could improve?
I want to be a team this time! To share my life with you!
How bout we set some goals....? Babe, I want us both to win!
No more mutual enablement! Or co-signing each other's sin!
Do you get where this is going? Am I making any sense?
I WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU! I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND!
Sjt:)
I issue a decree that in every part of my kingdom
people must fear and reverence the God of Daniel. "For he is the living
God and he endures forever; his kingdom will not be destroyed, his
dominion will never end. 27
He rescues and he saves; he performs signs and wonders in the heavens
and on the earth. He has rescued Daniel from the power of the lions. -Daniel 6:26-27
Stayin' clean one day at a time until I get to heaven!
I dream of that day, when I am face to face with Him!
What joy will fill my heart! Ear to ear I'll grin!
I used to fear that moment, of what my God would say,
Should I have to answer as to why I'm high that day.
Now I no longer have to worry, praise God that's not the case!
Oh what an awesome day indeed.... to meet Him face to face.
Sjt:)
My life seems like a disc that's set on auto-play,
It's as if it is the same each and every day.
Like a robot going through the motions: step by step I walk.
Constantly in prayer pleading with my God.
Does He get sick of hearing the same old things?
Is there something more that He expects of me?
I wonder if He thinks I am wasting so much time?
Or is that the devil? Is he messing with my mind?
Some days I feel like I'm floating ..... just coasting through my life.
Waiting on some answers .. and trusting in God's time.
Forgive me for my selfishness! I am still such a child!
Still learning to be patient....which could take a while!
Your word tells me...."keep asking"...I intend to do just that!
I find comfort in just knowing You are always where I'm at!
My poems reflect my anxiousness! Calm this thought storm in my head!
I am peaceful on the outside.....Yet in my mind.... I am a mess!
Prince of Peace, come help me! Anoint me with Your Spirit!
Help me to digest Your word rather than just 'hear it'.
Sjt:)
My body is tired, but I am eager to continue to stand strong in my beliefs.
Though things may seem to be stagnant and miracles completely out of reach.
I still have this intense desire to be 'happy, joyous, and free'.
Yet some days I wake up to feel this is an impossibility.
My God is bigger than any problem or struggle I face.
I need always remember His blessed amazing grace!
I remind myself of all that I have, I cannot focus on the pain.
The author of negativity....he is trying to destroy me once again.
I will not buy in to his wicked lies! He is not welcome here.
My God loves me, He does not want me to live in fear!
I must trust He is behind the scenes, making something grand!
I find my rest and comfort as He holds me in His hand!
These feelings....they will pass! I have seen them come and go.
Like the branches of the trees moving 'to and fro'.
Yet the tree.....it still stands strong! It's roots...I do not see!
That helps me to remember...God is ALWAYS holding me!
Sjt:)
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. -Mark 11:24
7/12/2015
Each week goes by one day at a time,
not a minute escapes without you on my mind.
Seems like time goes so fast til Saturday comes,
for hours we wait for just one hug.
The day starts early....the distance is great,
the kids are awesome, not a single complaint.
We make it to a table, I watch the door for you.
Each time that it opens, until you walk through.
Finally! My sweetheart! I forget all the pain!
For a moment....we are together again!
I am completely content with just being there.
No words need be spoken, just happy you're here.
Soon this will be over, and we'll create our new life.
The past finally behind us....God by our side!
One heck of a testimony of what He can do!
That much stronger we'll be when we are through!
Sjt:)
7/11/2015
Am I praying enough? What is a prayer exactly? What I have learned on this journey is that what prayer means to me, isn't necessarily what prayer means to someone else. My definition of prayer is a means of communication with my God. So I would have to say I do not think that I have stopped praying since day 1 of my journey! Prayer is living life in such a way that brings glory to God the creator of all things! It is the appreciation for those things. The little things! The big things! The things that, unless I pause to appreciate, I take for granted. When I 'stop', and really take a conscious look at what lays right in front of me.......Wow! What a blessing! I find that even the things that are most challenging in this life, can become the most beautiful blessings! For example: My husband is incarcerated. It is painful to have him gone. My heart hurts for my sweet man! We go every Saturday to visit him. Today we saw him. In the middle of the visit, he shared the most amazing miracle! He and some of the other men in his cell had a bible study. He recommended I read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (miracle 1....prior to he going away, I would have been the one suggesting scripture readings). As soon as I walked in the door, I opened my book........ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres! I wonder if he knows that this is the scripture reading from our wedding day! (miracle 2). Praise God for ALL things! I am continuously blown away by Your AWESOMENESS on this journey!
Father God, thank You for the storms of life! Thank You for the miracles! Thank You for shaping my husband into the man You created him to be! Thank You that You are shaping me into the wife and mother You desire me to be! Thank You for the forgiveness of my sins! Help me today to be able to forgive and love myself! Thank You for blessing our family with what we need just for today! In Jesus' name, Amen!
"If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got." I heard that someplace along the way, and it stuck with me. I have been hearing a voice inside telling me that at least once or twice a day lately. I have also heard that if I am not uncomfortable, I am not growing spiritually. Tuesday night I had a voice mail from a NA member asking me to give my testimony one Friday this month. Initially my thoughts were: "are you kidding me?! There is no way I am gonna do that again, I am a horrible speaker!" Well, God hasn't allowed me to quit thinking about it, nor have I even responded to the message. Which tells me there is some where inside this addict that wants to say "yes!" Yet why am I having so much trouble stepping outside the box of 'self-centered fear'? Is spiritual growth what I am after? YES! I do not know about you, but I see an opportunity to do some growing!
Father God, help me to have the courage to do something uncomfortable. Help me to squash these darned character defects that are hindering me from all You have for me! In Jesus' name, Amen!
The disease of addiction....so cruel and unfair.
Yet our trials bring change....and then we grow.
Into something better than we were before.
Time apart is the painful factor in this.
Does he truly know how much he is missed?
Spread so thin wearing both sets of shoes.
Yet we are still a team, we're both paying our dues.
I will keep keeping on, I will fight the good fight.
The 'vision' in mind, I will not lose sight.
God, Your timing is everything! You do have a plan!
Shape my husband in ways only You can!
Sjt:)
Tomorrow marks 1 and 1/2 years clean! It just so happens to fall on July 4th....our National Day of Freedom Celebration! The day to me represents freedom from active addiction, and freedom to 'live'! That is grounds for celebrating ANY DAY! I cannot think of a single place I would rather be, than in this holy moment......clean!
For once I was so totally lost and helpless!
But now I stand in the light of hope.....so vivid and so bright!
A walking testimony of how God can change a life!
I vow to make a difference, I vow to seek and save the lost!
To tell them they're forgiven.....that Jesus paid the cost!
The whole time the door was locked, but Jesus had the key.
I believe in the power of prayer! I have seen evidence in that power! It is that spiritual heartbeat that keeps me moving forward. There is not anything on this journey that I can take credit for, I owe it all to my God! I have been on the receiving end of His incredible grace, but have I truly received His love? I have trouble with self acceptance and self worth. Despite all the evidence, I still want to deem myself unworthy of blessing! Ugh! It is that childlike faith that I see in my 6 year old that reminds me of the promises He made to ALL of His children! My son rattles off some of the most comforting words at just the right time. God uses him as a vessel to carry the message. Praise God that I can see that!
Father God, help me to put the bat down! Help me to receive the miracles that are happening all the time! Thank You in advance for the victories in my life! Thank You for my sons, and all the support I have today! Thank You for freedom! Thank You for saving my life! In Jesus' name, Amen!
He will see it through to completion....His work He began in me!
For only my good does He truly work all things!
Praise Jehovah God for sending Jesus to save my soul!
He is the same in days of new as He was in days of old!
He walked with me in the dark, He is with me in the light.
Joy comes in the morning, though there may be pain at night!
There are times that I still stumble, but I have peace in knowing that:
My sins...they are forgiven....all I have to do is ask!
Sjt:)
Praise God for willingness! Praise God for surrender!
Days like these are what I cling to.
They make bearable the trials I go through.
A blessed perception of where I could be.
Yet a sprout of hope from a God whom loves me.
It is the balance of thoughts that paves my way.
That spiritual connection on days like today.
The weeds may sprout after a rain,
yet I continue to pull them out again.
The tools are there....the action...that's me.
Praise God for opportunity!
You see, I used to not have a choice!
By His grace today I have a voice!
Once I lived in the dark....I remember all too well!
That knowledge keeps me humble ....Praise God that I fell!
He knew I'd reached my limit....He knew that I was done!
He knew what it was gonna take for Him to clean me up!
I will be on this road until I'm home for eternity!
When that is...it's uncertain, but I do know I'll be clean!
The hard times and the pain, they will be no more!
When I get to heaven It will be worth all I endured!
My deepest desire... to hear Him say...with a smiling face:
"Well done my precious child, with you I am well pleased!"
Sjt:)
6/25/2015
For 530 'Just for Today's.....
I've stayed the course, I've walked by faith.
More willing than ever to try something new....
what "did not work" was all that I knew!
Traveling down this road so totally blind,
as I took those first steps....I was terrified!
A vision of what I'd hope to become,
was all that I had when Jesus said "Come!"
Each step...a new 'first'....a place I've not been,
like a baby: I was being born again!
As I relearn and grow into the girl He envisioned,
I regain what was lost...and so much more I am given!
His timing is perfect, He knows all my needs!
I don't have to worry about where this road leads!
I continue to walk by faith, not by sight,
minute by minute....one day at a time!
Sjt:)
Let your light shine! Be alive and smile at everyone you meet!
Remember always that Jesus died on the cross for both you and me!
There is no greater love that any human could understand!
We are all created for His purpose......uniquely formed by His hands!
Let all these things take root in your heart!
Today....let God to show you who you are!
Sjt:)
I got to see my husband yesterday! And for a moment, there were no walls between us. The 2 hours went by so fast, but we appreciated every precious minute! The boys enjoyed being able to visit with him. In order to make it all happen, we had to make the nearly 3 hour journey......then wait in a long line for hours! The kids were so patient, and the day was so beautiful! I have so much gratitude for the laughter and lighthearted spirit that carried us through the wait. My mom rode along with us too! She has walked with me through all the bumps and all the storms. She genuinely believes in us and what our family now stands for! Praise God for encouragement and the love during the times that were anything but easy!
For a moment....there were no worries to speak of!
For a moment....laughter filled the air!
For a moment....the smiles were shared!
For a moment....I felt light as a feather!
For a moment....I will have forever!
Sjt:)
I need a fresh dose of hope, my mind is cluttered with fear and doubt!
To simply exist is not what life should be about!
Help me to be what I do not believe I can!
God, I am so weak.... please give me strength to stand!
The time for change is NOW...tomorrow may never be!
Help me embrace this moment that's right in front of me!
My thoughts...they are like knives: piercing all that's good and right!
God, I am so blind! Please give me back my sight!
The battle in my head....It's trying to steal my joy!
The devil wants me dead.....He wants only to destroy!
God, help me to draw near....My faith is being tested!
I am not giving up! Help me to stay vested!
That girl that I once was....she has died....she is long gone!
Now this girl is under fire for those things that she did wrong!
God, You know who is the author of the sins that once enslaved!
Oh once I was a puppet....robbed of so many precious days!
Satan is a master mind, wanting me to wear this shame and guilt....
but there's no place here for his works, in this life that my God built!
Sjt:)
Yesterday, I was remembering the horror of the imprisonment I had put myself into when I used drugs. I remember feeling like I knew what I wanted and wished for my life.....yet I could not stop putting drugs into my body! That was a horrible feeling. Today I can still remember the way that felt. I recall asking myself...."is this it?" "Is this how it is going to be.....forever?" I thought I was going to die that way! Praise God that I no longer have to live that way! Well yesterday while I was on that train of thought, a piece of scripture came to my mind. It was Paul's description of how his Spirit wished one thing, but the sin that enslaved him......made him do the opposite of his Spirit's desire. I knew that those words were there, yet I could not for the life of me find it anywhere in my bible! This morning, I read my daily devotional (the one I read EVERYDAY)......and would you believe, It was the scripture I had been searching for!? God wink??????? YA, I think so too! “I love to do God’s will so far as my new nature is concerned; but there is something else deep within me, in my lower nature, that is at war with my mind and wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. In my mind I want to be God’s willing servant, but instead I find myself still enslaved to sin" -Romans 7:22-23
Father God, thank You for Your daily reminders that You are still with me.....always! I love You with all of my heart! In Jesus' name, Amen!
I watch my precious 6 year old, he is such a model of how I desire to be!
His happy, joyful spirit more than amazes me!
He is always smiling.....he'll do whatever it takes,
to bring a smile to someones face!
An imagination that just won't quit!
That playful nature....what a precious gift!
God, thank You for this bundle of joy!
Father, thank You for this special boy!
Sjt:)
Psalm 77:11 11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
Last night, I went to a bible study at the home of one of the ladies from church. I was invited last Sunday, via a special person in my life! Initially, I was excited about attending. All week I was thinking about it, and all the wonderful things that had been told to me about the speaker. As the day grew nearer, those old self defeating thoughts were trying to get me to bail out of going. My experience on this journey has taught me who is at the source of those thoughts. The wicked one does not want me to receive blessing in my life! However, my God does! I am glad that I went. I met a few new people, and I saw some of my church friends! I am so blessed to have such wonderful people encouraging me, and giving me the hope shot that I need!
Thank You, Father for the love and encouragement that You send through the people in my life! In Jesus' name, Amen!
No matter what...You loved me, You were with me all along!
You know of all my rights, and You know of all my wrongs!
You knit me in my mother's womb, You formed me for Your purpose!
You stuck beside when I took control, You witnessed all the circus!
Despite all those times that I screwed up, You loved me just the same.
Even though I made the same mistakes over and over again!
No human mind is capable of knowing that kind of love!
No depth nor understanding could ever measure up!
My mind tells me I'm not worthy, but Your Son....He disagrees.
He came to walk among us, He gave His life for me!
The God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego...oh, won't You be my own!
Bless me with the ability to receive this love You've shown!
Sjt:)
I am struggling with behaviors and their impact on others. The simplest act of kindness or the reverse can either build or can have the most damaging effect. We do not realize how much power we really have by simply choosing the appropriate words and actions. The seeds we plant WILL give birth to more of the same seeds. That is only logical. Although, humans are conditioned by their surroundings and the chaos of life's experiences. Some of us are damaged..... some more than others. We do not have the ability to control how someone chooses to react to our behaviors. However, the probability of positive communication producing a similar seed increases dramatically the more we DO IT!
Father God, Please teach my boys to respect and love each other, as well as love themselves! Help me to continue to model good behavior, especially when I am tempted to do otherwise. Help me to discipline only with love! In Jesus' name....Amen!
6/6/2015
Today was a day of battles within!
When war breaks out....only one can win!
As I witness my child in his "ninja suit"....
I clearly know what I am to do!
I must pull out the armor...the word of God!
And stand firm against the wicked one!
These strongholds against me...they are nothing but lies!
The devil has tricked me with my very own eyes!
Those fleeting thoughts can be so painful!
But after the storm...there is always a rainbow!
Worry Lane is full of fear and fret,
and satan will take all the time he can get!
Well my stay has ended, it's checkout time!
Jesus is truth....and salvation is mine!
Sjt:)
-Luke 14:28
Last night, my son had a loner guitar for band practice. His is in the shop this week getting a tune up. We kind of anticipated that he would become attached to this guitar, and he has. He now is hoping to by this one in addition to keeping the old one. He has an account with enough money to purchase this guitar, yet I am struggling with weather or not that would be a good idea to just pay for the guitar. Yes, it is his money that I have been setting aside for something special....But... am I teaching him responsibility by allowing him to make this purchase? I would have to answer 'no' to that question. My son has a musical gift, and he has a love for the art! That is so beautiful, and It is my job as a good mother to encourage him to pursue his spiritual gift! Since this guitar is a loner, and his will be available in a few days, this guitar may not be for sale by the time he earns the cash. So..... I am torn at the moment. We are tossing around ideas on how to teach him some responsibility in making this purchase 'now'! I want to be a good parent, and I want my son to grow up to be a strong, responsible, and contributing member of 'the body'. Father God, please bless me with a balanced approach to this situation. Let my guidance only come from You! Help us to use the purchase of this guitar as a life lesson for the good of my son, as well as a tool to share his musical talents!
Today my little boy graduated Kindergarten! The kids sang a song at the beginning of the awards ceremony. It was such a beautiful moment! My son is such a shining star already, and has such amazing character qualities! I am truly blessed to have the opportunity to parent this fine young man! This is the start of so many milestones, and I thank God that I get to be a part of it, and I get to do it clean! Wow.....I am overflowing with gratitude at the magnitude of how amazing life really truly is! Had somebody told me 509 days ago about this life that I have come to know..... I would not have been capable of receiving such a grand 'idea'! "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come." -2 Corinthians 5:17
Yesterday I learned how to weedeat. My yard was beginning to look pretty shaggy. They say when the pain is greater than the fear of change.....change WILL happen! Lol! Well maybe I am over exaggerating the appearance of my yard slightly. For whatever reason, I made a decision that yesterday was the day! It went well, but I know that if my husband were here, he might think otherwise. He is such a perfectionist when it comes to lawn care, and he has a natural gift for that department. Having to do it myself, I have a whole lot more appreciation for the 'art of lawn care'! We most definitely compliment each other, as the areas where we shine are so totally different. Praise God that we are that way too, because I am realizing our strengths/weakness' are actually a pretty darned good balance!
Thank You, Father for courage to try new things! Thank You for blessing me with appreciation for others! In Jesus' name....Amen!
-John 10:10
I can't....but God can! Okay, so I know that my writing is somewhat obsessive with regards to the topic that I seem to ALWAYS be writing about! Seriously, I am from one extreme to the other! So, I have been praying for relief from Anorexia. I ask God to help me, but whose help is it that I am accepting? The reason I am asking myself this question is, I have found myself on the other end of the spectrum. I have been suffering from binge eating for several weeks now! I cannot stop eating! Once I start.....that's it....I just can't seem to shut it off! I don't know much, but I do know this....God only loves me! Anything in excess....is not God inspired! Since the wicked one gains his foothold in 'the flesh'.... my actions prove that I am not allowing my God control over all areas of my life. (specifically this area!) Freedom and balance is what I desire! It saddens me to see such a disconnect due to the massive quantities of food that I am shoveling into my own body! How terribly sick is that?! Am I ungrateful? The mindset behind this question is, if I were grateful.....I would not treat God's temple (my body) this way! I heard someone share something in a meeting this weekend that really stuck with me: "If we treated others as bad as we treat ourselves....we would have one heck of a situation! I would not do half the things that I do to myself.....to someone else! I am my own worst enemy!" Uhhhh.....Ya! I can more than get with that! So what is it??? WHY DO I DO HARM TO MYSELF?!
Father God, bless me with Your eyes....not mine! My vision is more than flawed! The solution to this warped perspective is beyond my capabilities! Help me to change my focus! I am giving it to You.....complete surrender....right now! Thank You that You love the mess that I am! In Jesus' name.....Amen!
Last night was worship practice at church. I love to hang out there, and watch my son grow in his abilities and confidence. He has come so far since he began playing with the team! I am so blessed to be a part of his spiritual journey, it brings such tears of joy to my heart! It feeds my soul to witness the miracles working in his life! It is peaceful, and a perfect place to work on my steps. :) I brought my books along to do so, and felt an intense desire to pause and write about the experience as a whole! In appreciation of the moment, I wrote a poem as I was sitting there......
"I am humbly asking God to remove my defects".
Embracing the moment, the music, the smiles,
and the jovial playfulness of my youngest child.
The kibitzing of the band members goofing around,
..All mixed together...they form a sweet sound!
The crew has become like a family to me,
I can't imagine how life without them would be!
I appreciate their kind words and all the warm smiles,
Especially on those days that are so full of trials!
My sweetheart.... he is the only missing piece,
for now the only connection... is spiritually.
The physical absence has challenged 'our world',
yet it's this spiritual connection I'd been longing for!
Thank You, Father, for working all things for our good!
...another prayer being answered that I wasn't sure would!
Those areas where I was hopeful...yet semi in doubt...
You have restored my faith more times than can count!
Put Your hedge of protection around my sweet man,
strengthen his spirit in ways only You can!
Sjt:)
Being a mom has its ups and downs, God help me to follow Your truth!
I'll admit there are a lot of days when I just don't have a clue!
Mothering a teenage boy.... a place I've not ever been!
How do I teach a 14 year old that it is not all about him?
Thinking back to where I was, I'd say he's following suit!
Father please help me know how to plant seeds that will bear fruit!
I know the road that I did walk, God...bless my son with eyes...
that desire to walk a path of truth.... a path that's good and right!
Help me to model good behaviors, help me to correct those times I don't.
Bless both my boys with a teachable mind and a desire for spiritual growth!
Mend the areas where walls were built, make sight where they are blind!
Rid our home of any wickedness..bless us all with a peaceful mind!
I do know that I don't have many answers, but I know someone who does!
Father, I'm calling out to You! Please help me raise our sons!
Sjt:)
-Isaiah 54:17
5/26/2015
There was a time that I was dead....the devil had me good,
The tool he used...Methamphetamine, because he knew he could.
He taunted me for many years...on and off we'd go!
He even fooled me into thinking that I was in control!
I was only 12 years old when he began his chase.
Like a sly dog in pursuit...Meth not yet the case.
Avenue 1...Anorexia.....a disease that's of the mind.
The road he knew would lead me to the 'apple of my eye'.
Meth used me like a puppet....it led me to near death.
All choices this body made, my soul shackled and out of breath!
That inner voice screamed violently...the faintest sound came out!
...A prayer of desperation laced with fear and doubt.
But help was on it's way in the world that is unseen...
I stand today on this road....... 500 whole days clean!
Sjt:)
day500#kickSatan'sbutt!
-Acts 2:1-4
5/25/2015
Lord, I crave so much that 'unity', that 'true connection', that 'brother/sisterly love'!
The kind that You deem worthy of Your blessings from above!
Blanket me with the Holy Spirit, enable me to grow!
Fill my spiritual cup....make it overflow!
Thank You for Your answers that I too often fail to see!
And thank You for the blessed clarity that knocks me to my knees!
Forgive me when I stumble.... when I try to take control!
Though I know that You're still with me wherever I do go!
Those days they are too often, You're patience is so grand!
Help me to get out of the way! Father, take my hand!
You know that I am stubborn, I am broken, I'm a mess!
Despite my MANY flaws...You don't love me any less!
How awesomely amazing! my Hero! my Savior! God You are!
The Creator of the heavens....the earth....the Creator of the stars!
My mind can only attempt to wonder the gravity of Your love!
My experiences have proven that it's far more than enough!
Sjt:)
Goal.....find a new way to live without the obsession and compulsion associated with my disease! I cannot speak for anyone but myself, but I do know that I can find a way to zero in on pretty much anything! This addict has been desperately seeking balance. The irony in the sentence I just used is that I can even obsess about 'not obsessing'! Anyone that uses the words 'desperately' and 'balance' in the same sentence.....in my opinion.....has some work to do! Lol I am WITHOUT A DOUBT a still suffering addict even without using drugs!!! Okay, self..... I am feeling a sense of panic coming on as I write this! I am human!.....BREATHE....!
So, here's the deal: Yes, I have those 'manic' tendencies, but I have new tendencies as well! (Praise God!) For example, there are two birds that have taken up residency on my front porch, right above my head as I walk out my door! The old self would have been highly irritated with the new tenants and the nest they had molded into the side of my house! I know that in the past, I would have no doubt removed the nest! Today, this is not so! The new person that I am kinda likes having them around. Watching them play together, and witnessing the process of preparing for the little birds that will soon be joining them! The nest they built is amazing really, and the overall construction process only spanned about 2 days! No hands....just a beak! That takes some skill, and it is a blessing that they deemed my home 'a safe place to build'! You see, THAT is the DIFFERENCE! God blesses me with clarity in some of the most miraculous of revelations! Just the idea that I even have the ability to pause long enough to take notice of the growth process that has manifested itself IN MY OWN LIFE ..... .because of these 2 precious birds....... is a miracle itself!
Father God, put a hedge of protection around my family today.
Teach us not to walk by sight....but to walk in faith!
Reveal anything that might be severing a full relationship with You!
Keep us humble, loving, and compassionate in everything we do!
Guard our mouths and our actions..cast out the wicked one!
Father, less of us...more of You....may Your will be done!
In Jesus' name...Amen!
Sjt:)
Holy Spirit, fill this body in which this soul resides!
Make me new and beautiful...restore me from inside!
Fill me with Your purpose...fill me with Your grace!
Bless me with the deepest smile upon my face!
Make so obvious what You have designed for me to be!
And let that purpose be evident for all the world to see!
I desire to be all that You made me for!
Take me as I am, and make me whole and pure!
My eyes see something broken...tell me what You see!
Oh, my God, I am so blind! What is Your plan for me!?
You have woke me from my slumber; You raised me from the dead.
Make clear these jumbled thoughts.. they are racing through my head!
Like a child I am so impatient.... I am so much naive!
I have seen Your works in others, I have witnessed Your good deeds!
You knit me in my mother's womb....You know my every thought.
You know my imperfections...You know my every flaw!
You watched me veer off track...yet You loved me still!
You lead me back to safety, You carried me up hill!
Now I kneel before You... my Creator... my Father God!
What is my spiritual gift? Where is it that I'm strong?
Sjt:)
5/20/2015
Almost 500 days clean! "No fronts!" That is what they always say in Narcotics Anonymous. But really, I mean... C'mon! less than 6 days?.....Woohoo! Praise Jesus for that is a blessing on top of a blessing.....on top of a blessing. Been spilling over with gratitude for the last several weeks now. Even in the area of my eating disorder, I have been able to find just the right dose of self acceptance! The power of prayer, and an every day reminder to myself of that vital piece of information I clung to at the beginning: "It is NOT all about you, self!" That really helps me remember that. The antidote to my diseased/self centered mind.....is to step outside myself and "change the focus" (words of wisdom....via my mommy). My husband has been away now for 2 months and 3 days. I miss him so much, and the boys do too! This has been a difficult change. The most difficult change on this journey (as there have been a plethora of changes). I try to keep him up to date with anything and everything. As well as keep the relationship between he and the boys as close to 'normal' as possible! Our prayer life has been intensely altered for the better also. It is so true what they say.....'You never know that God is ALL you need, until He is all you have!' Amen to that! Life struggles are all about re-aligning oneself with the 'source'! Praise God that I was able to make that journey back up the wrong path towards my maker! (I have witnessed a whole lot of others that didn't get that chance) Addiction is a cunning enemy of life....people die every day from this disease, and I can remember a time when I thought that I was going to be one of those people! Just recalling that state of mind gives me goosebumps up my spine, and a terrible turning in my stomach; a feeling like as if your heart was attached to a bungy-string without the 'bunginess', and now my heart to just fell into my belly (best words I can come up with to describe the acuteness of the memory). Praise God for freedom of choice today! Man, am I blessed.....truly and gratefully blessed!
I have a friend who's son is struggling. She has many concerns, one of which is that she thinks he may be using. She reached out to me for support. My heart goes out to her and her family, as I can empathize with her son's struggles. I know that when I was stuck in that horrible place, people were praying for me all the time. People were loving me when I was unable to love myself. Even though I was so distant from my God, He was still there....working through the people all around me. Today, I am able to love myself. I am in conversation with my God, ALL THE TIME! Miracles DO happen! Recovery IS possible! Jesus, I know You can heal this man also! Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we cannot see! -Hebrews 11:1 Although this man may not think that he can be healed, I believe he can! That is all it takes......1 person standing in faith! Jesus healed the paralyzed man because the man's friends believed He could!
Choices....this was the topic at last night's meeting. I heard something that really impacted me. "I am never alone, unless I choose to be." Wow, that is so very true! It is so amazing that 9 words could carry such a positive influence on my thoughts. I woke up this morning STILL thinking about that statement! You see, that is how I feel about God. He is always there, waiting patiently for me call on Him. Here lately, I have been a bit more distant than I had been. I was beginning to question my own beliefs! (Satan just loves to put doubt into play) God knows this, and He comes to my rescue via spontaneous 'pokes' saying....."Hey, child! I am still with you!" He has put angels into my path that carry the message that I need to hear.....at EXACTLY the right moment! What an awesome role model to have as a parent! Still, as always, I have a choice......be obedient....or ignore my Father, and opt out of His blessing! I dunno about you, but I choose to listen! Praise God for humility! Praise God for open-mindedness! Praise God for willingness! Praise God for a Father's love!
I give this day to You, o Lord! Please guide me through what today might bring.
Calm my mind, ease my pain...I will praise You above all things!
I am not perfect, and that's okay! Bless me with the courage to stand strong in faith!
I am unique in my own way, help me to love myself today!
More of You....and less of me!
In Jesus' name I pray all these things!
Amen!
Yesterday was mother's day, but not just any mother's day.....it was the first one together with my boys since this happened. My very first CLEAN mother's day as this new person God designed me to be! What a blessed day it was. My boys treated me so special, each in their own unique way. The most significant moment of the day, was that the two of them treated each other so kind! I am not sure if they planned for that, or if it was a God thing! (Possibly both) I was so touched by the sweetness and serenity of the day that I was on a pink cloud the entire day! I love my kiddos, they are a blessing.....God given gifts for sure! I am so very blessed and honored to be called their mother! Praise God for them! What a great day to be clean.....always!
I cried out to my God, whom is worthy of praise!
And I have humbled myself to You this day!
You have walked with me, and I have obeyed Your command!
Thank You so much for taking my hand!
I want nothing more than what is pleasing to You!
To completely surrender to all that is true!
Thank You, God, for these simple words I can say....
Today...in this moment..."I know I'm 'okay'!"
sjt :)
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that … they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady
-Romans 5:3-4
5/7/2015
Life is about balance and self acceptance, both of which I struggle with. Today I am getting better. I am learning and growing all the time. My husband has been away for almost months now, and it has been a challenge without him. I know that the trials and efforts will be for the greater glory. I will keep moving forward, doing the next right thing. I focus only on 'today'! Pretty soon.....I have a bunch of 'todays' to look back on, and feel good about. Knowing that I did the best I could with what I had to work with....and I did it clean! Praise God!
Even when we are too weak to have any faith left, he remains faithful to us and will help us … and he will always carry out his promises to us -2Timothy 2:13
5/5/2015
This journey isn't at all about me, no need to focus on the pain!
When I remove the veil of selfishness....I can to see all that's been gained!
For God so loved the world that He sent His Son to die for us!
I need always to remember this, even when times they are so tough!
For when I calibrate my life on the basis of that precious gift,
there is no need to fret or worry....Jesus took care of it!
My life is much more balanced, the rainbow....I can almost see!
I am so amazed! How much more blessed could I really be?!
I inventory my files of thoughts... I replay those gloomy days,
and all the negativity that results from my mistakes.
But oh the lessons that Ive learned! The glory for His name!
I see the lovely rose when the thorns are brushed away!
A tiny seed was once planted, but the weeds had the upper hand!
Oh the beauty of the field when I cultivate the land!
sjt :)
I will bless the Lord and not forget the glorious things he does for me -Psalm 103:2
5/4/2015
I will no longer be defeated by negativity!
I choose not to continue being a victim of my disease!
I know that I am NOT alone...God is always present in my life!
He is only a prayer call away, the decision is always mine!
How free do I want to be? Is the pain too much to bear?
I need always to remember...my Father is forever there!
My perspective needs a shaking, my eyes are glazed with fear!
Oh God, please come to my rescue, please help me to draw near!
The wicked one is lurking.... he'sencouraging me to quit!
Yet, I am a child of a God whom loves me! A child that wants to live!
Holy Spirit enter in this body..... cleanse my tattered thoughts!
Please dispose of the thorny thistles I have dropped off at the cross!
For those thorns they have no value, they keep catching on my clothes....
..and taking my the attention from the beauty of the rose!
April showers......bring May flowers!
5/1/2015
As sure as the rain in April brings flowers in May.....so the storms of life spring forth fruit in our lives! I can choose to cave to the strongholds the wicked one puts forth in my areas of weakness, just the same as I can choose the light of the truth! I choose the light! Pain is temporary! Praise God for that! I know I repeat myself often, but the storm anorexia brings to my life is beyond my own control! Only God can do for me what I cannot do! Why do I get so caught up in the loop of re surrender over and over again?! Do I really believe this to be true? My actions cause me to question my beliefs. Ugh! (Or is it Satan planting that seed of doubt?) I know that this area of my life is completely unmanageable......yet it has been the consistent pattern for so long! I think it would be best to say....."How about giving yourself a break, self????" It is a process! A recovery process! It is just that during the storms of getting over my using/getting my kiddos back and beginning this new way of life, somehow I was too distracted to realize this issue was still present. I guess I assumed that God delivered me from that too??? Who knows, all I know to be evident for sure, is the God only allows us to be handed what we CAN handle in THIS moment! So.....making an educated assessment based on my recovery experience .....I most likely posses all means necessary to begin this new PROCESS! If I completely surrender (which I fully intend to do)....the rest is up to Him!! Each day does get better. Some days the progress is not as noticeable as others, but I choose to focus more on now than any other moment. Otherwise I have to admit....I get a bit overwhelmed! The flowers always return after the rain, year after year! God....I could really use a mighty rain!!!!
Father, cleanse me of whatever has rooted itself within. For I know that anorexia is simply a symptom of some deep seated wound of sorts! Help me to discover the cause of all the pain! In Jesus' name, Amen!
5/1/2015
I know that God is always with me! Why do I struggle so?
Why are some things so terribly difficult to let go?
He has led me through so many storms all along the way!
A refreshing dose of gratitude is what I need today!
From what my eyes can see, this hill is much too steep!
I cry out to You, my God, the One whom protects me!
No burden too heavy, no task too grand...
For the One who is....the great 'I AM'!
in Jesus' name, Amen!
I reckon my own life to be worth nothing to me; I only want to complete my mission and finish the work that the Lord Jesus gave me to do
-Acts 20:24a
4/29/2015
Battling anorexia has been the most mentally exhausting thing I have had to do! There are times when I just want to give up! I know God can lead me through this life long storm too! It begins with surrender! Lord knows that I am willing.....then why is it so hard? God put me here for a grander purpose, than for me to be constantly doing battle with myself!
God, help me to face whatever fears I have! Bless me with new eyes! Help me to be healthy, happy, joyous, and free! In Jesus' name, Amen!
4/28/2015
I am now well in to month two since my husband was incarcerated. The new schedule is hectic. With baseball, work, recovery, and the every day life on life's terms......it is difficult to find the time to tend to maintaining my home. During active addiction, I had all sorts of projects started that are still in the same state. Some of which will most likely be considered a 'loss'. I am overwhelmed as to where to even begin. I know that I have got to start somewhere, or the situation will only get worse. The rainy weather has raised my awareness that I have a leaking building and carpenter ants.... not to mention of all the piles of 'stuff' an addict tends to accumulate! Ugh! I really could use some help here! Prioritize, self! Just START someplace!
Father God, I need Your help here! I know that I can do this! It isn't going to happen all at once! Like physical recovery......it is all a day by day process! Help me find the strength and the courage to begin this new recovery process!
In Jesus' name, Amen!
God has given each of you some special abilities; be sure to use them to help each other -1Peter 4:10a
4/28/2015
Father God, bless me with the courage to face my vulnerabilities! Help me to love myself, so that I can truly love others. Take this eating disorder from me! Help me to see what truly matters is on the inside! Help me to blossom and to grow. This battle is exhausting, and I know that only You can calm the storm! You are my everything! Help me to see that I am worthy of Your love! Help me to radiate Your love to those around me! In Jesus' name, Amen!
Everything is possible for the person who has faith -Mark 9:23
4/24/2015
Yesterday I had a breakdown! I mean a BIG one! I was the perfect example of how not to act! No need to go into details, as I prefer not to re live the embarrassing scene again. I have already revisited it in my head far more times than I care to. I choose to focus on the positive aspects of it all. For example, I realized in the moment that the behavior was by no means justifiable! It was pure and simply......wrong! Those nasty defects are still there and need to be dealt with. But I can see that today! Positive #2....I didn't get high to change the way I felt! Positive #3 the pain does not last forever! Praise God! Positive #4 I am forgiven! I do not have to carry the weight today. The situation is history, today is a new day, and a new opportunity to get it right! The night before, a dear friend in the meeting had a meltdown......several categories down from mine......if I factor in the acceptability meter. My point in bringing this up is that in his moment of vulnerability, I was there to put my arm around him.....give him a kiss on the cheek....and tell him "it's okay, I love you!" Well this morning I go out to social media, and he had sent me a thank you for being so strong and being a wonderful friend to him in his moment of meltdown especially. I responded with: "I think a meltdown periodically is good for optimal health, I love you!" So, I think today I will practice what I preach, and give myself a break! Today is my 4th wedding anniversary, and my first one I am celebrating with 3 hours of distance between us. I am sad, I deeply miss my husband! We all miss him! Yet I do know this: "Everything is possible for the person who has faith!" -Mark 9:23. I think today I will draw my strength from the correct source.....
Father God, thank You for loving me through all the people in my life who love me during my best and during my absolute worst! Help me to accept their love when It is offered! I struggle in the area of acceptance! Help me to always remember: Everything is possible for the person who has faith!
In Jesus' name, Amen!
imagination
4/22/2015
Happiness is a choice we make!
Today I am free to choose the path I take!
I can recall many days when this was not so!
With God... nothing is impossible!
467 days clean... praise God for this!
What a truly amazing gift!
Thank You, Jesus for lifting me up!
Thank You, Jesus for taking this cup!
Amen!
4/21/2015
I cannot say I have felt such an overwhelming urge to write on any particular subject recently as I do at this very moment! The topic came to me in the form of a complete and total 'God-Slap'! I was in the car line at the elementary school waiting to pick up my son. I took advantage of the extra few moments, and finished up two books I have been reading. Today was a beautiful day, so I rolled down the windows and turned the car off. It was peaceful, a nice breeze.....children laughing and playing on the playground. I was appreciating all the beauty in the moment! Just thinking about what both authors had written, and watching the children chasing each other and giggling. I felt the desire to write about the beauty of it all......but how? There was not really one single subject on for which to base my post! My thinking was "God help me! You are the Author anyway.....so what do I write about?" It was kinda funny the way the thought was planted on my mind! The vehicle in the car line parallel to me had it's windows down also. At the very moment my request for help had been made, the person next to me received a notification on their cellphone. As I heard their message come in the form of a.....ding! No sooner/no later did the topic come to me! Childlike-state..... I chuckled to myself over the synchronicity of the moment. Like I say today, and I say quite often.... I spend a lot of time pondering recovery, and chasing a calm and joyful existence (if the words 'chasing' and 'calm' together can make any sense). The events that have grabbed hold of my attention over the past week leading up to this very moment, are pointing me to an entirely new calmness and clarity. There are a couple of terms that I wish to toss around in this post. By doing so, I am hoping to set the stage for the appropriate words to flow. First off....mindfulness. This topic has been falling into my lap for about a week or so, prompted firstly when researching a strategy for doing battle with my 'eating disorder demon'. As most successful resolutions do (for me anyway).....the topic came up again in an unrelated book I have been reading on wholehearted living. Living in the moment, and being mindfully aware of anything I am putting into my body..... thus embracing the experience (or the moment). Whether it be food, books, conversations..... virtually anything we come into contact with, as we are affected by all of our surroundings. Anyway, this book's approach is that we pour far too much of our energy into approval of others, and doing what is pleasing of them in order to achieve their approval. The author proposes the idea of authenticity and originality, and being okay with who we are. She mentions living and enjoying life in a child like state. By child like, I mean unblemished, unbroken, and in total acceptance of and freedom to be.....You! When a child is born into the world, they are pure. Perfectly free of any hurts or the harms that ultimately lead us to begin to build walls to keep the pain out. Which is in all actuality what 'addicts' do when they 'use'. I mean really, if ya wanna get to the 'bare bones'......drugs are walls! Nobody likes to feel hurt or vulnerable. I mean NOBODY! We weren't born miserable, we learned that somewhere along the way. Recovery has planted a desire on this 'open-mind' to somehow return to that unblemished state. (or as close to it as possible) It is my theory that this is what the journey of life experience is all about. I have heard it said in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous that we have had the opportunity to lead two separate lives. One being 'the user in active addiction', and the other being 'the addict in recovery' seeking a new way (or child like state) of life! I think this really applies to anybody, not just addicts. On this new life path, I have heard a lot of testimony, not just from addicts. From what I can see, it takes a major break point to divert us from the people pleasing behavior and return us to the 'Source' of a pure and totally pleasurable existence..... God! When we strive to 'people-please', we literally drive ourselves further from that blessed authenticity that God created us for! When we live our lives on the basis of what others' opinions of us are, we are actually setting ourselves up for failure. The author also speaks throughout the entire book on vulnerability. My take on what she has written is that vulnerability is essentially what drives us further from the that child like state! It is the root of all the reactions, it is the reason for the walls. It is the main cause for all the negative emotions in a round a bout way. God created us to be happy, joyous, and free! He created us to be 'us', and that is what is pleasing to Him!
If you want to build a tower, you first sit down and decide how much it will cost, to see if you have enough money to finish the job. If you don’t, you might lay the foundation, but you would not be able to finish. Then all who would see it would make fun of you.
-Luke 14:28-29
4/17/2015
I am currently working step six in the twelve-step program I attend. This step addresses character defects and shortcomings that have held us back from spiritual growth. I have a few fears and anxieties about working at asking God to remove these defects. Yet at the same point, I want nothing more than to blossom into the peaceful and joyful person that I dream of becoming. I am excited and hopeful to think that recovery from the obsession and compulsion that is still so very evident in my life could even be possible. I do not have to be using to be a victim of my disease. Those shortcomings have always been there, and will always be. They are uncomfortable, as the negative stuff typically is! I have not met anyone yet that has had anything positive to say in reference to their own nasty defects (myself included). Taking a good honest look at myself and my patterns is somewhat overwhelming. And because I am an addict, I find myself obsessing over my obsessing! How sick is that!? The relief comes from knowing that I do not have to do any of the removing, I leave that part up to God! History has shown me that anytime I have tried to address the deep seeded flaws and shortcomings that dwell in me hasn't gotten me anywhere but high! So there's where that blessed willingness to change comes in to play! ;) Last night at the meeting someone shared their experience and hope when dealing with removal of their defects. He said it brings him peace of mind to know that God does the hard part, all he has to do is 'put the bat down' and be okay with knowing that it doesn't have to happen all in one day. He said something that just blew my mind: "I am just along for the ride! It is a process! I allow the change to happen one brick at a time!"
Wow! That most definitely falls in to the God-wink category if ya ask me! There was a lot of other good stuff shared last night that I really needed to hear as well. The topic was vigilance, and the daily meditation played right in to where I am at in the step working process. Just for today......."Act as if"..... Or as I like to say..... "fake it til ya make it". I shared my overwhelming feelings that seem to be surfacing when dealing with 'me'. Yet seeing others change right in front of my eyes, gives me a hope shot that I could change too! In the rooms I have heard it said that you cannot think yourself in to the right acting, you have to act yourself in to the right thinking. I had it backwards up until this journey. And I have already seen so many miracles happening up until this point. Simply by practicing willingness to change. Stepping out of those old comfortable/ yet not at all comfortable patterns (if that makes any sense)...... and into practicing a new way. And wa da ya know......it works! The new behaviors and patterns become what is comfortable! Aha moment?????? Change is necessary for growth! And growth is what I seek! Praise God for willingness! Praise God for the possibility for positive change!
4/16/2015
Jesus rescued me from the horrors of drug addiction for a purpose. To fill His purpose for me! He did not save me to die from an eating disorder! Today, I demand victory through Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior! With Him, all things are possible! I am so very blessed, yet I am faced with the root of all my battles....myself! The devil wants me to continue living this way, but I know there is a solution! Jesus! He is the reason for all things 'good'! He died so that I could have life, and have it more abundantly!
Father God, forgive me for being so selfish! Help me to remember how much You love me! Free me from this illness! In the name of Jesus, Amen!
4/14/2015
Father God, mend my broken body! Heal my hurts and anxieties! Take this pain away!
Jesus, take my hand and please guide me through this day!
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear!
-1 John 4:18
Did all your experience mean nothing at all? Surely it meant something! -Galatians 3:4
4/11/2015
Hard knocks and life lessons. This journey has been so full of life experiences. Not all difficult, but there have been a lot of challenges. I have heard on this recovery journey that the stuff that isn't easy, is what molds and shapes us into something far more grand than we could imagine. Each step of the way, if I keep my eyes on the bigger plan (God's plan), that is what keeps me going. I do not have to understand why things happen, and I don't even have to figure it out. I simply have to keep doing the next right thing for the next right reason. God will handle the rest. I do know this..... it will all be worth it! My oldest son is a teenager, in every sense of the word too! He is such an amazing young man. He has so many talents and strong abilities! He is by nature, a leader and independent. Which can be such a wonderful characteristic. He has a charming nature, and a strong spiritual side of him as well. His intuition and ability to push forward when he has an idea or a goal, is both impressive and inspirational. We are a lot alike in a lot of ways, yet so very different. Because he is so strong willed, there are times that the 'good stuff' is self defeating when the application and timing are 'off'. I am the mother. That factor seems to be an issue. He wants independence.....yet that vital truth seems to be a challenge today especially. I have to practice the parenting skills I learned on this journey. (Thank God for parenting classes!) When is my input needed???? That is the golden question! Father God, help me to know when I am to speak. Grant me the wisdom and discernment necessary for the parenting journey! Help me to focus on the beauty and the miracles in the moment. Help me to remember that feelings and the nasty mood swings associated with them, are all temporary! In Jesus' name, Amen!
4/9/2015
It has been a challenge battling with the obsession and compulsion that still resides in my life on a daily basis. Yes, I am clean, but I still struggle with those nasty perfectionistic / people-pleasing character defects! Balance and a strong faith are the keys to freedom! The book of life, or as so many refer to as the bible, is my user manual for successful daily living. Life on life's terms......that's a tough one! Thank God for tools and an amazing troubleshooting guide to keep me on the good path! I remind myself once again, feelings are temporary! Praise God for that! My husband is able to call me 3 days a week. Yesterday was one of those days. I kept my phone by me all through the evening. Which by the way was a wonderful evening with my two boys. There was plenty of beauty in the evening of planting flowers, bike riding, walking the dog, and working on homework with a compliant / yet highly exhausted little boy! The cherry would have been the phone call that we were so looking forward to...... As you may be piecing together already, the phone call did not happen. We turned in early, as we were wore out from the fun. As I was drifting off to sleep, my thoughts took me down worry lane briefly. I was a little concerned as to why he did not call. When I woke up halfway through the night, 3 missed calls in a row! And the calls must have come in right after we had fallen asleep! Ugh! The positive......(cuz there always is one).....At least I know that he DID in fact call, and that he is okay! Thank You father for that peace of mind, although I am disappointed that I could not hear his voice!
Father, please let my husband know the same peace of mind that You blessed me with! So that he knows we are all okay also! Keep his mind and spirit safe! Wrap him in Your loving grace! In Jesus' name, Amen!
4/8/2015
No words can explain the pain that I am enduring since my husband went away.
I know we can get through this by simply focusing on the day!
I am sad and hurting, but like anything.... this too shall pass!
God's timing is everything, and I know there is no impossible task.
I will keep moving forward, I will focus only on my God!
Father, I need some help today carrying this heavy cross!
4/4/2015
17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. -Romans 8:17
Yesterday was Good Friday. The day we remember that Christ died on a cross for the sins of the world. If I truly believe and accept this with all my heart, why do I beat myself up so often? I am forgiven, I am made new by God's amazing grace! That does not mean that the inner battles and the struggles of life are not going to happen. I have to literally remind myself of this EVERY day! Yet, on those days that I am so distracted by my own self centered thinking, and I just cannot seem to remember.... thank God for putting people in my life who will do that for me! Yesterday happened to be 'one of those days'! Clarity just seemed next to impossible! My mind was so muddied with the lies that Satan just loves to hurl at me! I am an addict and anorexia is the cross I carry. When I am in a weak moment I understand that I fall prey to the wicked one. I also understand that In my moments of weakness, God is still with me! I cannot just take for granted that He is going to save me from myself though! I have to reach out! "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you" -James 4:8a I have to identify when I am under an attack! I have to call on Him for help! "Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you" -James 4:7 God is and always has been.....my Life Coach....my Heavenly Father.....my Help! Like any child, I can choose to do things 'my way' or I can choose to follow my Father's instruction. Just because I HEAR what I should be doing, I cannot be helped unless I DO what I should be doing! The 'action' part is up to me! I am a child of God! I possess a power within that is greater than any defeating thoughts that I feel myself falling victim to! "The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him." -Romans 8:16-17 We are living in a bi-polar world! We are all bi-polar! Meaning each of us possesses the ability to be either positive or negative. "Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded " -James 4:8b I am not the only one who suffers! We all suffer....we are human! Thank God that we don't have to suffer forever! Help is just a outcry away! All I have to do is ask! Praise God for that!
Father God, Just for today make me a doer of the word, not just a hearer! In Jesus' name, Amen!
Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. -James 4:9-10
*God-Wink attachment......
Okay, so if you have been reading my blog for any length of time, you will know that I share quite frequently some (not all) of the random God winks in my life. This one might actually qualify as a 'slap' rather than a 'wink':
In conclusion of today's (above) post, I read my Beth Moore devotional for today. I would like to share it with you:
April 4.......
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; Many will see and fear And will trust in the LORD.
-Psalm 40:3
I have a pretty messy conglomeration of early childhood victimization and long-term history of defeat to thank for my deep insecurity and uncertainty. Actually "self-torment" would be a better word for it. I suppose it's the residual of a formerly self-destructive nature. Whatever it is, it waves like a red flag to the enemy: "Hit her right here! This is where she's weakest! Aim here!"
God has to be omnipotent to have kept me out of the ditch for as long as He has, but just as surely, He was also omnipotent through my tumbles. Every time we fall, He is able to help us up!
Okay, so I really think that no further words are necessary here! Isn't God truly amazing!? :)
4/2/2015
In the beginning was the word, and the word was God! We were created to bear fruit, to blossom to 'flow'! This world is so full of man made contaminates. Contaminates that 'muddy' the flow of life. How do we battle the everyday habits and temptations that pollute our lives? The word of God! The bible states that the word of God is sharper than any two edged sword: For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart -Hebrews 4:12. Jesus died for our sins so that we could live! And live life more abundantly! The Bible.... the living, breathing, book of life!
3/31/2015
Jesus take the wheel! Guide me in my recovery, and show me how to live.....clean! I declare victory today, over my thoughts and my actions! I am a grateful child of the most high God! What a wonderful reason to celebrate! Today is day 15 up this next mountain on my path. Like each mountain I have journeyed up and over on this road..... each day has its own spectacular view! Each new day is unique, and has its own blessings and miracles! Stopping to enjoy and embrace those special moments is a choice! Today, I choose to acknowledge all God has blessed me with! Today I will express my gratitude in all areas of my life! In Jesus' name, Amen!
3/29/2015
Today is day 13 since my husband was incarcerated. I am doing my best to adapt to the new schedule and responsibilities. Balance is key, and it begins within. Life is very different without him here. I miss him dearly! I am so grateful for the loving support system that surrounds me. I have to remember to keep God first, always! If I fail to do so, my mind will take me miles down the road rather than focusing on what is right in front of me. 'Worry' is a character defect of mine, as well as 'people-pleasing'. Both of which will derail me from where God wishes me to be! My heart's desire is to fulfill His purpose. So why do I let the busyness of life become such a distraction? Duh....earth-to-self.....you are human!
Father God, help me to remind myself that I am not going to be perfect! Help me to discern what is truly of importance. Bless me with a new set of eyes today! Help me to see what You see! Guard my thoughts, my ears, and my mouth! Bless me with serenity, and peace! In the name of Jesus Christ! Amen!
3/28/2015
Today is day 442! I have not put drugs into my body for 442 days, what a miracle that truly is! I have a lot of gratitude for that alone, but I also have so much more to be thankful for! And those blessings are only because I have stayed clean..... because I have stayed the course.... 1 day at a time! Recovery is a process, it is a journey, it is an experience!
3/27/2015
Father God, bless this day! Lead me to where there is a need! Guide me on this path! Father, grant me serenity, courage, and wisdom! Today is day 11 since my husband was incarcerated. It is also visitation day!!!!! The number 11 has meaning to me because our clean date is 1/11! 11 symbolizes the upright...... a new beginning..... Although every day is a beautiful gift from our Heavenly Father, that little added "God Wink" is always a sweet surprise! Happy Friday! I'm gonna celebrate mine with Jesus! :)
3/24/2015
Father God, revive me! Rekindle my fire! I am up for the task!
I surrender myself to You, in all that You ask!
Your grace is sufficient! Your love is enough!
To keep me focused; to keep me from giving up!
You are my 3rd bass coach, guiding me home to You!
You are my sense of direction, my Compass and my Truth!
If they had wanted to, they could have gone back to the good things of this world. But they didn’t want to. They were living for heaven. And now God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has made a heavenly city for them. -Hebrews 11:15-16
3/22/2015
Yesterday a good friend told me: Keep moving forward, spend less time looking in the rear view mirror, and more time focusing on what is ahead. It does not matter where I came from, those days are history! The former ways are not what is today. God has forgiven me, and has big plans for my life! What a blessing to be a part of the kingdom of God! What a blessing to have people in my life that love and care for me. People that only want what is best for me! Jesus is always with me, coaching me and encouraging me to move forward! What a blessing to have eyes and ears to see and hear the God-whispers in my life!
Father God, thank You for all that I have! Help me to focus more on those things, instead of all that is still in need of reform! The negative only comes to defeat! Help me to paint the walls with the positive! Help me to celebrate Your wonderful works! Praise God! Praise God! Praise God!
I am more than a conqueror through Christ Who loves me!
-Romans 8:37
3/21/2015
Holy Spirit, You are welcome here! Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere...... this song has been playing through my mind for several days now. It is such a calming and beautiful song! The words are peaceful and serene and ring so true, as there is always a need! Precious Jesus, You have walked with me from the beginning! Your blessed Holy Spirit dwells in and around me, guiding me on this path! Change is uncomfortable and unfamiliar, yet so very necessary for spiritual growth process. I am treading through uncharted waters, to places I have never been! It is refreshing to know that I am never alone! "He will not abandon me or leave me as an orphan in the storm- He will come to me!" - John 14:18 I do not have to be afraid! "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear! - 1 John 4:18 Lord, thank You for your unblemished and unfailing love for me! Thank You for Your shelter through the storms! "God is my refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble." - Psalm 46:1 Right now, my eyes do not see any way for the impossibilities my heart so does desire! Your word tells me that nothing is impossible, and Your word is truth! Father, make visible a path before me! Grant me patience, as You gracefully clear the lifetime of debris that resulted from my diseased mind! Pave the way to safety, for with You I put my trust! You are my rock, You are my hope, Jesus my Superhero!
3/20/2015
Today is day 4 since my husband was taken into custody. I miss him dearly. It is devastating to have seen such miracles and changes occur in our lives over the past 400+ days, only to come face to face with such life altering circumstances. Although the pain is deep, this past year has shown me that with Jesus, we have the strength we need to walk through the trials and storms of life. I have witnessed God's hand turn something horrific into something magnificent! This situation may not seem like anything beautiful today, but that just tells me that God is not finished yet! Lord, grant me the patience and serenity to wait for You to do what You do! Father God, Your will not my own, be done in my life today! In Jesus' name, Amen!
3/18/2015
Precious Jesus, wrap Your loving arms around my husband and bless him with a peaceful mind.
Our family is hurting so, yet with You we will reach the other side.
The storm is brutal, the wind is cold...we are anchored through our faith.
Our sails are set to face the storm, Jesus bless us with the strength.
This was his purpose: that when the time is ripe he will gather us all together from wherever we are — in heaven or on earth — to be with him in Christ forever. -Ephesians 1:10
3/16/2015
Father God, You rescued me from the darkness and healed all my disease!
I called on You for help, and You came to set me free!
I have seen Your awesome works in my life, I know Your love is true!
Jesus my Lord and Savior, I give my whole self to You!
Guide me through this storm that is ahead of us!
Grant me serenity, and the courage I need to trust!
In Jesus name....Amen!
3/13/2015
Lord, I trust Your plan, and I will praise You all of my days!
For today I am weary, today I'm in pain!
These feelings are temporary, "they too shall pass",
I will focus on the miracles You've placed in my path!
Only You can take something broken and make it more grand!
Lord, bless me with the courage I need to stick with Your plan!
There is a mountain before us, it is stormy and cold!
Where no path can be seen....You will make a new road!
I've lost all visibility.....please take my hand!
My own eyes cannot, Yet I know that You can!
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:6-7
16 From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. -John 1:16
3/10/2015
Yesterday was an amazing day of blessings revealed on our journey as new people saved by God's grace! It was recovery day 423, and there we were, standing in our CPS final hearing! As I stood at that podium next to my husband, and witnessed one miracle after another manifesting themselves through all the verbal remarks on our behalf, I couldn't help but feel anything but gratitude for how far we have come! The kind words continued to flow as my tears flowed down my cheeks. I glanced over at my husband, and in that moment there were no words needed to be exchanged between he and I. We both knew! His eyes spoke the very thoughts and feelings that I was experiencing from within! And in that beautiful moment was another answered prayer! A prayer for spiritual connection to be manifested between my husband and I. God answers all prayers according to His will. We do not always see that those prayers have already been answered until the appropriate time. God reveals His works when we will be moved by them the most! In that briefest moment, a precious gift was placed right before our eyes! Sometimes the most valuable gifts come in the smallest of packages. Only God could possible posses the divine ability to present something so miraculous within the smallest increment of time!
Thank You, Father, for carrying the burden when it was so heavy. Thank You for coaching us through the storm! Thank You for providing us the strength to face each mountain on our path! And Thank You for dancing with us when the blessings arrive! In Jesus' name, Amen!
“O Lord, now I have heard your report, and I worship you in awe” (Habakkuk 3:2 TLB).
3/9/2015
Father God, thank You for this day! I surrender it to You! Guide me along Your path for me, and bless me with eyes like Jesus! Light my path, and fuel me with Your love and grace! Take all of yesterday's worries and anxious thoughts.... mend my weary mind! I know that You do love me, and help me to remember that all the time!
In Jesus' name, Amen!
3/5/2015
Another storm hit our area, and brought in 5" of snow. The roads were beginning to get bad yesterday evening. In precaution, I went into town to the 6pm meeting, rather than the 8. I like the earlier meeting during the week for several reasons. I like that it is a smaller meeting, which allows everyone a chance to share. Also, midweek it works better with school and work. Last night, I was called on to pick the topic for the meeting. I was asked to pick a number (at random). I chose the number 33. The topic for that number was 'self-acceptance'. I am currently working on getting some self acceptance in my life (well that is on going really). I shared that I had met this past Sunday with my sponsor to go over my steps 4 and 5. Because I no longer feel the desire to entertain any of the negatives of my past, I wasn't as thorough as she felt I should have been. I was there for 3 1/2 hours, which we spent much of that time discussing areas that she could see might be holding me back..... typically.....(yep, you guessed it) Self-Acceptance! I mentioned my eating disorder struggles again, as that seems to be the area of my life that has been most unmanageable since childhood. Recently I have been sharing about that more often, because it is something I desire freedom from. Ironically, it goes hand in hand with the topic. Hmmmm.....smaller meeting....I am called upon to choose a number, which just happens to be the very topic I need some help with. (God slap????) And the synchronicity of the situation did not end there either. On my way home from the meeting, I was feeling a desperate need to re work my step 4. When I got home, I sat down to work on it, but I could not stop thinking about the book I have been reading, that I was nearly finished with. 'The Harbinger' by Jonathan Cahn. Although I would love to get into the details of this book at this moment.....it would kind of be off track with where I am headed with this post. My point in mentioning the book (which I did finish instead of doing my step 4), is that there was one piece of scripture that stuck out in my mind. 2 Chronicles 7:14 14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. Okay, so put that on the back burner for a moment, and let me bring you up to speed with the morning miracle I am about to share. So the storm hit last night, which brought in the snow, which will be hanging around until noon. I text my mom to get the update for our work schedule today because of the weather. We will be opening at noon. So I responded with something to the effect of: "okay, see you then". But that is not the message she received. The text she got was....."33 over and out". Are you with me???? Just in case.... 33 (self acceptance).....over and out (step 4 is an inventory of my past)......and a morning inside without distraction (book was finished last night). Alright, so while I am clearing up the message mix up with my mom.....I am reading the daily meditation for today. And it is the very piece of scripture that caught my attention last night (in the book)! 2 Chronicles 7:14 14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. I call that a major double dose of Spiritual Synchronicity! Aka: God Slap! Lol! So step 4 .....here I come!
Father God, thank You for your literal awesomeness! I have not a clue how You do it, but man am I grateful that You do! Please be with me as I re work this step. Bless me with freedom from my past, bless me with some self acceptance.....today!
In Jesus' name, Amen!
3/3/2015
Ugh! What a morning! Life on life's terms can be quite challenging! Man.... the things I tend to 'zero in' on.....whew! I cannot help but chuckle at myself at times! As I am driving to work, taking an inventory of the morning shuffle, I was searching for the positives. Round and round I go over such silliness, really. I see no need to go into any detail on what had me in such a 'state'! The point I am trying to make I guess, is that my mind can really take me to some places/events that are completely ridiculous! Once I get going in 'tunnel mode' with my thoughts....boy howdy......hang on tight! However, I did manage to escape, and come full circle prior to my arrival at work. (This isn't always the case) In fact, I not only arrived at a peaceful place, I was laughing hysterically at myself when I pulled into the parking lot. I mean OUT LOUD, laughing at myself! It was so completely crazy how I managed to go from worry, worry, worry.......to......giggling myself silly. It was a random injected thought along with a mental image of my puppy eating a plate of pancakes that caught my attention: "You do realize that none of it REALLY matters.....don't you?" And what is even more comical....... I get to work, and my mom (unaware of the events of my morning) informs me that today is NATIONAL PANCAKE DAY. Omg! I nearly died laughing!
Father God, thank You for Your amazing sense of humor! Thank You for knowing just what I need at just the right moment! It is simply mind-blowing how it works! ....... ;)
3/1/2015
Father God, mend my broken body! Wash me of my flaws!
Fill me with Your purpose, fill me with Your cause!
Charge the light that is within me, brighter than it has been!
Grant me the courage, strength, and wisdom that I need to help my friend!
Bless me with purity of heart, and the proper words to honor You!
Examine all my motives, so I may act only on Your truth!
I surrender anything within me that goes against Your will!
Help me to hear Your whisper, help me to 'be still'!
In the name of Jesus I rebuke the enemy, and all his wicked, wicked lies!
Father, please remove all the thistles from my eyes!
A farmer went out to plant his seed. As he scattered it across his field, some seed some fell on a footpath, where it was stepped on, and the birds ate it. -Luke 8:5
2/27/2015
Last night my thoughts were under attack. My mind was racing with defeat! The wicked one was injecting thoughts into my head.... "I have no purpose"....."God does not speak to me.....why????" "He speaks to others, why not me?!" What is even more embarrassing, is that not only am I guilty of entertaining those thoughts......I spoke them out loud! Ugh! I found myself comparing my own circumstances to those of others whom I, at that moment, was feeling 'less than'. I felt as if I were a seed blowing around in the breeze, desperately in search of a place to land and take root. Yet my fleeting thoughts like funnel of wind preventing me from doing so. In the moment, I was unaware of the deception that was taking place in my own head! I reacted in the only way I knew how. I literally dropped to my knees in prayer. Not my usual calm and pleasant type of prayer, it was more like a desperate pleading for help from my heavenly Father, who is the only help sufficient for the task! In tears, I began praying: Psalm 139:23-24.... Search through me, oh God, know what is in my heart; examine my anxious thoughts. See if there is in me any harmful way, and lead me in the path to eternal victory! .... "Father, I declare victory over my thoughts through Jesus my Lord and Savior!" "Speak to me! Show me where I am to be!" "Forgive me for letting any part of those thoughts steal my joy!"
Today I know that the truth is in God's word! When I am in a state of confusion, and I have found myself in a place that is anything but serene.... prayer is the only way to calm the storm. Life is going to happen! I cannot expect that I am to handle ALL challenges exactly as I should. I am human and I do quite often need to remind myself of that, especially when I find myself seeking perfection. I will never be perfect, and that is okay! Behind any negative there is a positive somewhere! When I apply the veil of truth and protect myself with the armor of God, I see the situation with a whole new set of eyes! I gain a fresh perspective. I am able focus on the things for which I am grateful, rather than anything & everything that seems to be going wrong! I don't know much, but I do know this..... Amidst the chaos in my mind, not once did I have ANY desire to 'use'! For that alone, I am truly grateful! That reality led me to compare myself to the OLD ME, instead of attempting to paste myself into an unrealistic fantasy world....... a world that simply does NOT exist. Ridiculously unfair!!!! (possibly border-line insane perhaps.....? lol) I made a decision to ponder how far I have come, rather than dwell in all the flaws that I THINK I need to fix. The old self would have constituted all these uncomfortable feelings (alltemporary by the way) as perfect 'using' material. This self knows a better way! Thank God for deliverance from that false rationality!!!
If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
2 Corinthians 5:17
2/24/2015
A new day is dawning, who I was yesterday has gone.....I am blessed with a fresh new start!
I choose to begin this day full of gratitude..... an open mind....... and a loving heart!
Yesterday's indoor weather was a blessing! I took advantage of the quiet time to read a large portion of this new book I am reading (can hardly set the darn thing down). 'Battlefield of The Mind' -Joyce Meyer. It was the perfect medicine for a day stuck inside. Typically, for this addict, an idle mind is the devil's playground. That is the topic that this book addresses. I know I have spent too many precious days trapped inside my own head, in a world that never even happened, and most likely never will. Those negative thoughts can become addictive, especially when they reoccur over and over again! It is difficult to get 'free'. It was a breathe of fresh air for me to know that such an inspiring woman of God as Joyce Meyer, could have been victim to such a similar pattern of thoughts as I. In fact, If I was not 100% certain, I would be pretty convinced she had written this book about me! There is an enormous amount of freedom in knowing that I can counteract all those lies the wicked one has been planting in my mind all these years! Self acceptance for what I truly am..... A child of God, whom only loves me! It is so important for me to remember this when the flood of negativity is attempting to wash that from my mind. My thoughts (well the ones the devil has injected) have held me captive from the great things that God has planned for me. Today that is a purpose I so deeply desire to fill! This book has blessed me with tools to retrain my brain to know the true source of all my thoughts.
If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! -2 Corinthians 5:17
I am reborn through Jesus Christ, and I am going to keep fighting the GOOD fight! Team 111.... I choose to stick and stay!
Father God, fill this day with Your grace. Fill me with Your purpose! Bless me with discernment! Guide me on the path of what is good and true! Father, I choose to walk this day with You! In Jesus' name.... Amen!
2/23/2015
Well today was the day I was scheduled to begin my trial. A sleet storm hit this area and everything is closed. Just 2 days ago, I was outside pulling weeds and vacuuming the car...... Just a little confirmation that God truly is the only one who knows what any future outcome will be. I have been consumed with anxiety over the coming of this day for almost 6 months! I will have to say, not during any single second of the thought war inside my mind did I ever ponder any idea of a possibility of a bad weather scenario. I took advantage of the morning and read half of my new book..... "Battlefield Of The Mind" by Joyce Meyer. Ironically, I had a yet another moment of clarity when it comes to the war that goes on in mind! And who of you by worrying and being anxious can add one unit of measure to his stature or to the span of his life? - Matthew 6:27 ......dare I add anymore to this post? I think that piece of scripture pretty much sums up how I am to handle any future attacks that set stage within my own head!
2/21/2015
Today was an amazing day! Our family spent the day together, just cleaning up around the house and yard. We finished up projects that had been sitting idle now for over a year. Felt really good to throw out pieces of the past and rearrange our home together. Played cards, pulled weeds.....just good clean fun! Thank You God, for the simple things in life that I used to take for granted!
Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him! -1 Corinthians 2:9
2/20/2015
The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because He has anointed me to proclaim the good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the prisoners free, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor. - Luke 4:18-19
2/19/2015
I demand victory through Jesus Christ in my life! My God has delivered me from the stronghold of the wicked one for His purpose, not to be a participant in worldly worries! For I know that greater is He who dwells within me, than he who is living in this broken world! Lately it has been so very evident to me that Satan has been attempting an attack on our family at our home. This morning the negativity and the busyness of life was swarming around me like a flies on a melted peanut butter sandwich! On this journey I have felt the presence of the Holy Spirit..... It is a feeling or 'high' like no other that I have ever experienced. Naturally, who wouldn't want more of something that feels so wonderful? I spent so much time in my past swimming in the negativity that the 'world' in the absence of 'light' has to offer. I have now felt the 'contrast', and I no what is my heart's desire. So when I find myself once again dangerously close to those old behaviors and emotions...... I react in an ironically similar fashion. Only today I am running towards the 'truth'. Today I am running to the source of what is good and awesome! Today I run to my God, for He provides everything that I need to face any challenge in my life! I am not saying that life is always a bed of roses by any means. Hard knocks are a part of the experience. What I have learned is that changing the way I feel by medicating myself is only a temporary solution to a permanent reality. I have also learned that there is no situation or dilemma that God allows, that He does not provide just what I need to walk through it with dignity. He put me here to experience the joy, the pain, the celebrations and the suffering as a testimony of His love. To not walk through the trials and the rocky parts of life, would simply be a sin. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." - James 1:2-3
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. -Romans 7:15
For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do...this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is the sin living in me that does it. -Romans 7:19-20
2/17/2015
This past Sunday at the recovery meeting we have recently begun at our church, I had an opportunity to give a brief testimony of my spirituality while living in the 'dark' in comparison to the 'light'. Because the group has only met for a couple of sessions, there are only a handful of people that come. So it is an intimate setting, and we are able to focus more time on certain topics. I like that! I definitely have areas of my life that are in need of attention. During the discussion, I mentioned that I had felt the presence of the Holy Spirit even then, although I did not realize what it was until my recovery journey. I never lost my ability to MAKE good choices.....however, I did lose the ability to ACT on those good choices. I shared on how I knew what I should do, but I did the exact opposite! It were as if I were watching myself make bad choices, and I could not stop myself from any of it! The drugs were in control! I was a prisoner in my own body! After I was through talking, the chairperson told me to write down Romans 7:15-20, and read it later. I have been meditating on that section of scripture now for 2 days, and today I felt a tug to write about it. The chapter caused me to reflect back to that period of time in my life prior to being reborn. I replayed situations in my mind where I ignored that Higher Power within me that was whispering "don't do that!" Naturally, I had a lot of guilt and shame resurface. Though painful to revisit, It is necessary that I deal with those uncomfortable feelings in order to grow spiritually. It made me realize that I still have a much needed amends to make to myself!
Though I have done many things I am not proud to admit,
It is important to forgive myself....but never forget.
By sharing my story to help someone else,
I am able to grow, and gain freedom from 'self'!
I cannot undo what's already been done,
what I was doesn't matter......but rather what I've become!
I am a grateful child of the one true King,
Whom only loves and cares for me!
My scars will heal, my light will shine!
I once was dead....now I'm alive!
Father God, You rescued me from the dark hole I was in! You carried me safely to a life worth living in! This road back on to the right path has been bumpy and uphill, yet You have never left my side! Thank You!
In Jesus' name......Amen!
Psalm 23:4, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me”
2/15/2015
We have started a recovery meeting at our church. It is a small group so far, but it is very intimate. I am blessed to have met more wonderful people! I am becoming more alive with each new day that I stay on the right path, and for that I am soooooo very grateful! When I was living in the dark, I was lost, I mean truly lost. It is a miracle that I have this chance to finally 'live'!
Father God, thank You for all that I have become! Thank You for shaking me when I was 'asleep'. Thank You for raising me from the 'dead'! Father, fill me with Your purpose.......take my hand......guide me towards Your will for my life! Thank You for providing me with "Just enough light for the step I'm on!"
In Jesus' name, Amen!
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. - James 1:2-3
2/11/2015
This morning I was under attack! Began the day burning breakfast, followed by my son spilling an entire glass of milk all over the floor and every article of clothing he had on. Then, my oldest son would not get out of bed until ten minutes before our scheduled time to leave for school. Ugh, and then my youngest is in a state of panic over some "Duck Page" that he is needing to turn in to his coach. (Mind you, I have no clue what he is talking about. And he has no other information to provide, other than.....duck page.....that's it!) Somehow, amongst all the chaos, we managed to make it through all the static of the morning with smiles on our faces and no harsh words thrown around! God truly was with us this morning during the turmoil! As I am dropping my youngest off (on time), I was able to speak with the coach and resolve the duck page mystery successfully! Praise God! And I would like to add that the wicked one is gonna have to try a whole lot harder than he did this morning! I refuse to let some spilled milk, a sound sleeper, and a missing duck page spoil my day! .......
Father God, thank You for keeping me calm in the middle of the storm this morning! Thank You for blessing me with 2 awesome kiddos! Thank You for the fresh perspective during a difficult situation, and the appropriate tools to manage the task(s)! In Jesus' name......Amen!
2/10/2015
While I am waiting on my trial, I am on the 'color system'. What this means is that I am assigned a color, and each day I am required to call a number to see if I will need to report for a drug screening. Today my color was called, and as I am driving this familiar road, I had such a beautiful spiritual experience. The sun was rising to greet the new day, and what a blessing it truly is to witness something so simply awesome! And as I am driving the drive I have driven countless times on this journey, today it did not seem as repetitive as it has prior. I know the exact locations of the dips and potholes that I need to dodge. The music was playing on the radio (seemed like ALL of my favorites were playing), the drive was peaceful and pleasant.....free of surprises, as if there was almost some sort of serene synchronicity to the drive! I felt like I was connected to the road like a train that is connected to its tracks. I have been traveling up and down that road for over a year now, and I have grown to love and respect the familiar faces on my journey. The system itself is a blessing. It provides structure and balance, but it is a choice. I can choose to do my part and allow the system to run smoothly, or I can make my own path to Lord only knows where! My point is, I actually enjoy going in there. Because it is a system, I know what I can expect. I also know that when I walk into that bldg, I will be greeted with a warm smile and a friendly hello.......every time! I see those people as a gift from God! Those people and this experience are what keep me clean! God knows how to make what seems to be impossible......a possibility! It feels good to have that assurance that you are on the right path! No matter where I am at, as long as I keep doing the next right thing.....I can KNOW that somebody is gonna greet me with a smile! GUARANTEED!
Father God, thank You for the knowing exactly what I need! Thank You for the tools You have blessed me with! And thank You for cheering me on through the smiling faces on my path! For I know that You truly are ALWAYS with me!
In Jesus' name, Amen!
May the Lord, the God of your ancestors, increase you a thousand times and bless you as he has promised! -Deuteronomy 1:11
2/5/2015
I just had a major moment of clarity, which brought about an intense amount of gratitude. I am so very thankful that I am no longer stuck in the horrors of the dark life that addiction had brought me to. I can remember the awful emptiness that consumed me every day. I recall thinking that I would never be 'normal'..... I did not think that I would ever see the day that I did not have to plan my day surrounding ways and means to get more. That is a dark place that I do not care to ever return to, yet I am thankful for the experience and the lessons that I learned from where I came from. It is important for me to not forget any of it. My mom made a great point at the beginning of this journey, she said: "It was an expensive lesson, yet on the other hand....it was a cheap education." Such a powerful statement! The trials and tribulations that I (or we, rather) have walked through, have each served a purpose in the grand design which today I proudly call "my life"! All those gory details were vital tools that were needed to mold and shape me into a testimony of God's perfect miracles! And diving further yet, my mom also made a wonderful point just this morning....... "this journey is not just YOUR journey, we are all journeying together." We have all grown spiritually in so many ways for various different reasons. We all learn from each other..... every day.....all the time! What a beautiful reality! We are ALL merely pieces of clay in the Potter's hands! How awesome to have freedom to be a part of something so miraculous, and at the same time...... so mysterious. Today I am no longer stuck in the same insane scenario, swimming in the sick sea of addiction! Today, I am free to choose the gift of LIFE!
Thank You, Jesus.......for all that You have done.....and all that You do!
Amen
2/5/2015
I am feeling an intense tug to get plugged in at my church! I feel so 'at home' there! We are undergoing a major transformation, and beginning new support groups and classes. I am so excited at the new opportunities for spiritual growth that are manifesting themselves right before my eyes! I am so very grateful for the new life that God has blessed myself and my family with! It is a miracle to see where I was over a year ago now, in comparison to where I am today! Wow! Life is so very different! As an addict, I struggle with feeling unworthy of such amazing grace..... yet, today I possess the clarity of knowing that is a lie! Recovery has shown me that I am a beautiful child of God, and He loves me more than I will ever be able to understand! It truly does not matter where I came from, it only matters where I am going!
Father God, guide me on my path. Keep my mind and my eyes always open to Your truth!
Help me to never forget that all I have..... is all because of You!
Shield me with Your protection, and bless me with wisdom and strength!
Comfort me forever and always with Your amazing love and grace!
Walk me through these trials, I know that fear is but a lie!
My past, today, tomorrow.....You are always by my side!
In Jesus' name.....Amen!
2/1/2015
My oldest son plays the guitar. He is self taught, and has a God given gift! For his birthday this year, I bought him an acoustic/electric guitar. I admire that he was able to stick to it, and learn on his own! A few months before he returned home to us, I had a dream that he was playing in our church band. At the time, I had no idea that he would in fact be coming home to live with us, and our current worship leaders at church had been playing together for so long...... I could see no way in my mind for that dream to come to fruition. A few weeks passed, and one Sunday after church my son came up in conversation with one of the guitar players. It was then that I found out that our church would be going through a transition period, and they were needing musicians for the band. What!? Are you freaking kidding me!? My thinking was that it was simply a dream of MINE, my son wouldn't possibly be interested in making this a reality! That afternoon we would be meeting with my son at our supervised visitation.....should I dare mention it all to him? Or would he feel as though I were trying to control his life? Opportunities like this do not happen all the time, and I was feeling in my heart that God was mapping out a way for my son to use his gift. I felt compelled to speak to him about it. His response was completely unexpected! He was excited about the idea, but he wasn't living with me at the time, and the change at church was just weeks away. Let me tell you how God works...... my son came home to live with us two days before the first Sunday after the change! He began practicing with the band and today, my son was on stage for his first Sunday performance! I do believe God and I were smiling together......He truly does work all things, when we cannot see any possible way!
Thank You, Father for blessing our family in so many wonderful ways! Thank You for all the miracles in our lives! Guide me as I continue on this path! Give me the proper tools and the proper words to glorify You, and You only! I do not have to try to figure everything out. Help me to remember that always! Help me to trust You with all that I do and all that I am! I love You! In the name of Your beautiful Son, Jesus!
Amen!
1/28/2015
Father, thank You for putting wonderful people in my life that love and care for me!
Thank You for blessing me with courage, wisdom, and serenity!
My former ways have been removed, I leave that life behind!
You have risen me from ashes, You have reshaped me from inside!
I was rescued from the darkness to a life so wonderful and new!
I have been restored for a greater purpose, and I owe that all to You!
Jesus, You loved me when I could not begin to love myself!
You are the One and Only! My source of strength.....my help!
Amen!
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. - 2 Corinthians 10:5
1/26/2015
Just for today, I rebuke all negativity and defeating thoughts put in my mind by the wicked one.....in the name of Jesus, my Lord and Savior! Any thought that enters my mind that does not make me feel good in my heart, is a lie planted there by the enemy! I declare freedom today via the One who loves me!
Father in heaven, I love all that You are, help me today to be more like Christ! Help me to pray, rather than worry! Keep me on the good path that is lit by the power of the Holy Spirit! Amen!
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of bondage! -Galatians 5:1
1/24/2015
I have seen the power of prayer and the deliverance from active addiction that my God has blessed me with. Yet there is one area of my life that continues to keep me in bondage! I suffer from Anorexia, it has been a problem as long as I can remember. Some days are better than others, and having seen God's work in the other areas of my life, why is it so difficult for me to surrender this to Him also? As I distance myself further day by day from active addiction, I gain more clarity. Meth was the band aid that allowed me to hide my nasty wound. God took my band aid away, exposing the awful web of scar tissue! They say in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous that when the pain is greater than the fear of change......change WILL happen! There is one thing I do know for sure, and that is that anything that robs you of your joy, is not of God! So today I declare victory in the name of my savior Jesus Christ in this area of my life! I am no longer willing to believe the lies in my head that stem from this disorder! I have witnessed family members die from this disorder, and God does not want that for me!
Father, I know that only You can deliver me from the bondage of this disorder! Please free me from the prison in my mind that Anorexia puts me in! In the name of Jesus Christ, cast the devil and his wicked roadblocks out of my path! I do not want anything keeping me from the plans You have for my life! Bless me with peace, joy, and serenity! Thank You for exposing those areas of my life that are keeping me from experiencing a closer relationship with You! Father, Your will, not mine be done in my life today! Amen!
1/22/2015
Dying to self, and learning how to live with the eyes of Jesus! This has become my passion! To love others as my Father has loved me..... The key to true peace and serenity, the answer to life's big question...... how to be truly truly happy- for me, that answer is Jesus! Just to say His name....a flooding calmness fills my body. During those times throughout my day, when I begin to feel that haunting negativity, I turn my focus to the One who Is everything! He never left my side back when I caved to that negative energy, and He will not ever leave my side today! He loves me, no matter what! Humans will let you down in this life, yet His love will never run out! When I feel a tug in the wrong direction, chances are there are emotions and humans involved! Today I choose to put my faith in the One who does not fail.......Jesus!
Father God, walk with me through this day, be with my family......my whole family.....Father, Your will, not mine, be done in my life today! Amen!
1/19/2015
I just love being a mother! Getting to know my boys again as a clean mom! This evening was really cool! The three of us just walked and talked...... nothing fancy, just old fashioned 'fun'! I love this life, and all its simplicity that I used to take for granted. Today it is the small stuff that really matters! I love that my oldest and I are able to talk about practically anything! He has grown up so much during the time we were apart! I am so very proud of the young man he is becoming! I love that he treats me with respect. And I also love that I feel worthy of it! There is so much freedom in living a life where I no longer have to hide! I also love that we do not dwell on what happened in the past...... in fact he made a statement that just blew my mind tonight. He said: "who cares what happened, look at us now!!!!" ....... I raised up my arms to the sky, smiling ear to ear and shouted "look at us now!" Thank You, Father God, I owe it all to You!
1/16/2015
Today my precious little boy turns 6 years old! Happy birthday to my little soldier of the Lord!
“The most important commandment is this …. ‘You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.” (Mark 12:29-30 NLT)
1/13/2015
I have made up my mind to obey your laws forever, no matter what” (Psalm 119:112 CEV).
Father God, thank You for blessing me time and time again! You are my stronghold! I love You! Your will, not mine, be done in my life today! In the name of Jesus, Amen!
1/10/2015
My devotional reading for today:
I will shake the house of Israel among all the nations, as one shakes a sieve, but not a pebble will fall to the ground. -Amos 9:9
The first ten years I spent in the Word, I believed that every doctrinal view I held was absolutely right and all others were unquestionably wrong. I was an aerobics teacher at our church gym, for crying out loud. I worked out all morning and studied Scripture all afternoon.
But one way God widened my world by pitching me out of the gym and into the heat of a spiritual war. I spent the next several years in intensive care with God as He began rebuilding me from the inside out so I could teach harder lessons but with a softer spirit. Don't be surprised if He does the same for you.
How appropriate to ponder this reading, as that was precisely how my personal journey with God began. Exactly one year ago today, marked the final day of the world in which I was existing. There was a terrible storm that occurred at my home, and indeed it "shook the house as one shakes a sieve", and I was plucked from the sea of darkness! This journey thus far has planted my feet on a firmer foundation based on faith! Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what cannot be seen (Hebrews 11:1) In the beginning, faith was pure and simple, all I was left with. God had removed all the distractions from my world, and re birthed me into a new idea. "You never know that God is all you need, until He is all you have!" I spent some time this morning reflecting on how much I have grown spiritually over this past year! I find it almost unbelievable that I had been living my life the way that I had prior to the experience I had on this day last year. Because change does happen one day at a time and it is so gradual, I sometimes am not able to grasp the fullness of the reality. The first days of my journey were uncomfortable, I am human, and I still have to remind myself of that almost every day. When I was faced with the choice to either cave to the darkness, or run towards the light, the answer was so crystal clear! It was almost as if God Himself had pasted it on my forehead! There I was in a concrete cell, crying and so terribly afraid, yet inside......jumping up and down with my arm raised like a 5 year old child who is certain of the answer "Pick me! Pick me!"....... JESUS! Beyond a shadow of a doubt.....the answer is Jesus! That did not mean that because I knew the answer, I would just begin to fluently speak the language. Just the same as I didn't wake up one day and become a prisoner of the darkness! That was a progression of my illness! Again, I remind you I am human, and I suffer from the disease of addiction. What that means to me, is that I suffer from a battle of the spirits, or of the light and the dark. In a battle one or the other of the opponents is inevitably going to take the torch. Drugs were the devil's way in, and a year ago, he had a pretty good foothold on this addict! There was no way of knowing that the moment I made that first decision to use, my disease would eventually lead me into a terrible storm! Hindsight is always 20/20, and I could sit here beating myself up for choosing to first 'use' just the same as I can choose to carry forward what I have learned! Yes I lost a lot, yet what I have gained is so much more! Today my spirit is blossoming in ways I never could have imagined! Had someone told me life could be so beautiful one year ago, I wouldn't have been capable of believing it! Nor would I have deemed myself worthy of such a blessing. Yet each day, as I continue to make the right choices and let my heavenly Father take the lead, the more able I become to accept the blessings He offers!
Oh how I delight in my Father's love, like a child who is entering this world!
I leap and skip with smiles and joy, like a cheerful little girl!
How great is a God who never ever left my side!
Who has restored me to a person, who is once again in love with life!
sjt 1/10/2015
1/3/2015
Our oldest son is home at last! Our family, with Christ, is complete and new! Last night was my fist experience spending time with them, at home, all together, as a grateful child of God! I have been sitting here reflecting on the evening and the conversation with my son, and I cannot help but SMILE! I mean I am smiling inside and out! My mom stopped in to spend some time with us, and one precious moment stands out in my mind..... She asked my son: "Does your mom seem any different to you?" He replied with a smiling, "Yes!" Then she asked him: "How so?" His response melted my heart! He told her "She is alive!"
Those three simple words, in combination with the radiating smile on his face...... a moment I will forever cherish! Captivated by the Holy Spirit, no doubt in my mind! The radiating glow in the room as those three simple words entered into it!
The word 'delight' has been implanted in my mind since yesterday! It is a word with such special meaning to me! It came up in conversation shortly after I received the call that our son would be coming home.....today! And with it came a fresh new meaningful moment of clarity...... I reminded her of the delightful moment when the very son we were delighting in, won his first grade spelling bee 8 years ago! ......the winning word....... 'Delight!' GOD WINK!
Father, thank You for Your amazing AWESOMENESS! The way the 'ah ha' moments of my life fit together like a finely tuned machine! The way you have crafted every facet of my journey at exactly the perfect time! Oh how I cannot even imagine how AMAZING You truly truly are!!!!! I delight myself in You!
1/1/2015
2014 marked the beginning of my spiritual transformation! Freedom from active addiction! My journey began on January 9th of 2014, when I prayed to God for a miracle. My prayer was quite simple actually, I had had enough! It was a brief request of "God help me, I need help, something has got to change!" Not in my wildest dreams would I have expected Him to send help the very next day! He did for me what I could never have done for myself! You see, I am an addict, I suffer from a disease...... a disease that had a gripping hold on me! My illness had completely shattered my family, via this body in which I reside! How horrific to ponder that idea! I was trapped inside myself; prisoner to a substance! I felt alone, afraid, and deeply desperate for a new way of life! On January 10th, the 'storm' that would shake me from the darkness happened exactly as it should have. I choose to refer to it as the "perfect storm". In fact, I have entertained every other possible scenario in my mind, and can see no other way. God knew exactly what it was going to take to draft me into a new idea. The journey that got me where I am at this very moment, did not happen over night! It has taken a whole lot of effort. I didn't get where I came from over night either, so how could I expect any 'good father' to simply dump the solution in my lap?! Permanent change takes hard work, and the disaster my disease had created wasn't going to just disappear! The miracle happens one day at a time! As I have walked this path, things often seemed so brutally unfair, yet each painful moment has served its own precious purpose. I am able to see the 'whys' from where I am today. The simple statement..... "more will be revealed"...... comes to mind with each 'ah ha' moment! As I sit here today, an entire year 'clean' has nearly arrived, all made possible..........by the grace of God! :)
Father, thank You for holding my hand when I was afraid! Thank You for blessing me with the strength to push through all the challenges and the pain! Thank You for Your amazing Son, Jesus! Amen!
Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we cannot 'see'. Hebrews 11:1
12/30/2014
Father God, praise be to Your glorious name! For You are where my help comes from! Greater is He!!!!! Oh how I love my blessed Savior, Jesus Christ! Thank You Father, my heart pours over with such overwhelming gratitude!!!!! Praise God Praise God Praise God!!!!!! I am in such a state of Joy, that I cannot come up with the words to accurately express my sincerest gratitude! Father, You know my heart, You know my every anxious thought! You are the great "I AM"!!!!! Father, Thank You for blessing me with my boys.......on time! Amen
12/28/2014
Father, Your will, not mine......be done in my life today! Fill me up with Your loving light! Let the Holy Spirit guide my every moment today! Bless me with the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to KNOW the difference! In Jesus' name, Amen!
12/27/2014
When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?
Psalm 56:3-4
The Christmas season has always been a difficult time for me. The distance between my family and I, makes it very hard to get together any time of year. Yet the holidays are a painful reminder of this fact. This year has been unusually difficult due to the gravity of the storm which lead me toward the Cross. Jesus delivered me from active addiction, yet I still possess a diseased mind. My thoughts have been leading me down negative path of fear for what lay ahead yet for our family. This morning I prayed for deliverance from those thoughts and fears that I feel a prisoner of..........I read the devotional for today..........
When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?
Psalm 56:3-4
My God never fails to comfort me when I call upon Him!
Father God, thank You for loving me all the time! Thank You for calming my anxious thoughts! Thank You for Your awesome reminders that You truly are available anytime I call! I am created for Your purpose, and thank Your amazing grace and love! Thank You for Your Son, Jesus!
-Amen
12/25/2014
Merry Christmas! “God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son so that whoever believes in him may not be lost, but have eternal life” (John 3:16). What a wonderful reason to celebrate! 2014 has been a year of deliverance from the darkness in which we were existing! Gratitude is everything!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things that I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference!!!
Gods will, not mine, be done in my life today!
12/25/2014
Father, guide me, bless me with a fresh perspective! What is your purpose for me? I am feeling such an intense desire for spiritual connectivity....... to 'know' another, and for they to 'know' me! Am I being selfish with this desire? Am I under attack? Is there a message that is so plainly placed before me? Or am I so far out of focus? Oh how I cling to my relationship with You! For You do know me, all of me, better than I even know myself! God, You are my Hope, my Strength, my Help! Bless me with a brand new set of eyes with which to see the path of purpose You have in mind for me! I pray all these things in the name of Your beautiful Son, my Savior, Jesus!!!
12/23/2014
The Christmas celebration has nearly arrived! Jesus is the reason for this season......and last season......and all seasons to come! To me, Christmas is a time to refocus on what truly matters! Much like the Sunday morning services at church, Christmas is a time to pull from the heart and not the mind! God is love, we are called in His image to love.......that's it.......just love! It isn't about all the glitz and glam, all the fancy gifts, the bigger and better everything..... it's about Jesus! It puts such a smile in my heart, and butterflies in my tummy when I think about all the beautiful gifts my Father has blessed me with! I feel so driven to share what He has blessed me with! Little me, just an insignificant sinner trying to 'make it'....... or am I truly as insignificant as I think I am? When I replay the events of this past year in my mind, and I see how Jesus has walked with me through it all, I realize how special to Him we are! God loves each and every little soul on this entire earth, and He is waiting patiently to get to know all of us! The choice is ours.......
Father God, thank You for all that You have blessed me with! Keep me forever teachable and focused on the magnificent Cross! Take my cup of worries and turn them into something beautiful! Your Will, not mine, be done in my life today!!!!!
...a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot -Ecclesiastes 3:2
..a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build -Ecclesiastes 3:3
12/20/2014
I have been reading a book that made reference to the above scriptures.....it has really been planted in my thoughts for several days now. The reason for the scripture's significance, is that I was 32 years old when 'i died' to that old life, and I am now 33 on my journey into 'new life'! How amazingly appropriate! There is a time to die; a time to uproot and cleanse........and a time to replant yourself into a new idea.......to rebuild and make beautiful! Reading that truly gave a fresh new meaning to the term 'born again'! Recovery is such an exciting adventure, it is a beautiful new experience, and I am so grateful for every blessed second!
Ahhhh! It never ceases to amaze me! I wrote the entry above, and then I go and read my devotional.......
"Master," Simon replied, "we've worked hard all night long and caught nothing! But at Your word, I'll let down the nets." -Luke 5:5
Peter and his companions had worked hard. Day in and day out. Then one day Jesus walked up and everything changed. Isn't that exactly like Him? Jesus walks right up, catches us in the act of being.......again today.....exactly who we were yesterday, and offers to turn our routine into adventure. Have you allowed Christ to do that for you? If you're bored with life and stuck in a rut of routine, you may have believed in Christ, but you may not yet have agreed to follow Him. Christ is a lot of things, but boring? Not on your life! Life with Him is a great adventure!
Yep.....you guessed it......'God Wink'!!!!! Thank You Father, for being so totally AWESOME, and right on time .....always!
Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. -Luke 12:34
12/19/2014
Jesus is the reason for the season! God is Love, and the greatest gift we can give, is love! This is the root of all things! We are to love the Lord our God with all our heart, all our soul, and all our mind! And second, we are to love our neighbor as ourselves! It is all about LOVE! ........pure and simple......Love! :)
12/16/2014
Today is the 5 year anniversary of my nephews passing. He was only 14 when he went to heaven, and because of the distance between us, I only have a few short years of memories with him. I cannot express in words how truly inspirational that young man was. He had such a zest for life! A positive attitude and a unique beautiful perspective on what life should mean! I learned so much from that boy who was "just 14"! I am certain that he is in heaven making people smile........though he is not with me, I can hear him whisper all the time....."Stay Beautiful"........
12/13/2014
I have been sick with the nasty flu.....again! I believe that I have experienced all strains at this point. This last one really knocked me down. I got some much needed rest though, my wonderful husband and my precious little 5 year old were so caring and helpful! And for once, I was actually a fairly good patient. I let them help me instead of being a grump about it. I had a lot of gratitude moments while I was 'being still'..... for a household that seems to have been under attack via the flu, we handled it with harmony and appreciation. God is so amazing, when you let Him in to your heart; He cannot help you if you do not let Him help you. Yesterday my fever broke, and when I woke up drenched from head to toe, I was naturally compelled to clean up. I washed the bedding and began doing a little sanitizing around the house. I stumbled across a photo of the past, It gave me a sick feeling inside. That person I was in that picture is not the person I am today. I did not like the feeling I had. I suddenly had a thought, or a need to rid myself of that life and its nasty memories. It occurred to me that there are several periods of time in my past that are painful, and could quite possibly be holding me back in this new life. Yes, pain is necessary for growth, but those periods of time are done with, and I am a new person. There is no value in holding on to that pain. The only value I can see at all is the lessons I have learned from my past. The way I see it, that is the purpose of this journal. I really believe God is telling me to shed those things, and the confirmation was in today's devotional.......which i love referring to as another beautiful "God wink"! .....
J: Jettison all regrets about your past.
“Jettison” means “to abandon as worthless, to discard, to eliminate, to get rid of.” Paul says if you want to enjoy life, there are some things you’ve got to get rid of because they are wearing you down and overburdening your life. The Bible says to forget your regrets, because that's what God does — he chooses to forgive your mistakes once they're confessed. The starting point of joy is letting go of the past. Philippians 3:13 says, “One thing I do is to forget what is behind me and do my best to reach what is ahead” (GN).
How powerfully mind blowing! That I would be having such an intense revelation surrounding this very concept yesterday, and then today I read about it in the devotional God knows I read! GOD WINK FOR SURE! Oh but wait, it doesn't stop there! Last night I got word that a dear friend was speaking at my home group, and my son and I really wanted to go. I knew in my heart that it wasn't a good idea, because we both are sick right? I was in this tug of war in my head, and he was throwing a minor tantrum because he really wanted to see his friends! (how beautiful is that!?) Foolishly I load us up in the car and head towards the meeting, praying that God would stop me if what I was doing was ridiculous. Well He did, but prior to that, my son pipes off a question that really grabbed my full attention......"Mommy, why do some people not go to the meeting?" my response was delayed, as I was still trying to find the appropriate words for a 5 year old mind to be able to entertain....... so I responded with a question.... "Buddy, what made you ask that question? That is a good question, in fact mommy asks that question too". He replied with....."How come daddy doesn't go with us?" All I could answer back was...."When he is ready, he will. But we cannot make him go with us, we just have to pray about it." He seemed to be okay with that response, because he was asleep in like 5 seconds. (that was God stopping me, and sending me home by the way........ and I did listen! ;)) Okay so here is the second God wink I am writing about today.... I call this one the 'car ride wink'! When I woke up this morning I read my NA devotional for today, the topic is Membership:
"We all know people who could benefit from Narcotics Anonymous. Many people we encounter from all walks of life....our family members, old friends, and co workers.... could really use a program of recovery in their lives. Sadly those who need us don't always find their way into our rooms.
NA is a program of attraction, not promotion. We are only members when WE say we are. We can bring our friends and loved ones to a meeting if they are willing, but we cannot force them to embrace the new way of life that has given us freedom from active addiction.
Membership in Narcotics Anonymous is a highly personal decision. The choice to become a member is made in the heart of each individual addict. In the long run, coerced meeting attendance doesn't keep too many addicts in our rooms. Only addicts who are still suffering, can decide if they are powerless over their addiction. We can carry the message, but we can't carry the addict."
Just for today: I am grateful for my decision to become a member of Narcotics Anonymous!.....
I said it once, and I will say it a million more times I'm sure...... GOD WINK! My son and I both had a question, and God provided an answer! Thank You, Father, for guiding me along. Thank You for holding my hand ALL THE TIME! I love You!
12/10/2014
Last night I gave my testimony in front of a group at a halfway house in the area. It was my very first time to ever be the sole speaker at a meeting. I was so nervous! I got the text message yesterday morning that I was the speaker for the meeting. I spent my entire day yesterday trapped inside my own head. My disease was telling me all day long that I can't do this! "who are you kidding, just tell them you can't do it!" For the very first time in my life, I faced that intimidating voice in my head, and I followed through! I know that It was such an emotional experience, and a lot of pain I did not know existed, surfaced during my talk. I do not know for sure if I was able to help anyone by sharing my story, but the fact that I went through with it, is reason enough to feel good about it! Addiction is a disease; a painful disease, and my purpose is to share that pain. Maybe I wasn't quite at that point where I was ready yet to share, but that something that is unknown until you 'try'.......
Father God, thank You for walking me through my experience, thank You for helping me to face my fears! Father, thank You for recovery! In Jesus' name, Amen!
12/5/2014
Calm my anxious thoughts, grant me peace and serenity, and wisdom to live what's true!
Bless me with patience and acts of love in everything I do!
Just for today, keep guard over my words and actions, keep me clean in every way!
Father, I am so very grateful for the many blessings in my life today!
12/4/2014
Last night at the meeting, a dear friend shared where he was at with his concept of a higher power. He shared that he is seeking answers, and is still unsure as to whether or not he believes. I sat there listening to him, and it caused me to reflect back on my own personal walk. I could identify with everything he was saying, I can recall believing in something bigger than I, yet I was not yet convinced that the power was in fact 'God'. My response to him was that God will reveal Himself in your life when the time is right. I know this to be truth, because that was my experience. It was as if a light switch was flicked on, and suddenly I had complete clarity. I no longer questioned God's existence, and it is my purpose to share that experience when I am called upon to do so. God is always 'on time', He is never late....... He knows our heart's desire, and He knows when we are 'ready'! How awesome is that!? Father, thank You for guiding me through this 'process', and continuing to do so! Bless me with Your words when I am called upon to share Your wonderful truth! Your will, not mine, be done in my life today! In Jesus' name I pray! Amen
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13
12/3/2014
Quiet my mind, Oh Lord! Calm my anxious thoughts! Fill me with the spirit of light!
Bless me with patience and serenity, and courage to do what's right!
12/1/2014
Father, my oldest son is struggling. I am concerned about him. Please guide him, speak to his heart. Father, comfort him as You comfort me. I know that all is possible with You, and I need not worry. In the beautiful name of Jesus, I surrender the situation to You! I love You, and I trust You with every area of my life. Whisper in my son's ear, and open his mind to the concept of Your healing love and grace! -Amen
11/30/2014
A dear friend gave me a gift in April of this year. It is a book, a daily devotional, which I have read every day since it was given to me. This morning I was drawn to read the devotional for the day the storm hit my home, which happens to be January 10th. The page read: I will shake the house of Israel among all the nations, as one shakes a sieve, but not a pebble will fall to the ground. -Amos 9:9. Wow! I cried tears of gratitude when I read that page! God truly does know all things......He knows every hair on my head! Praise to a God who only loves me! Praise to a God who makes all things new! In the name of Jesus, I am healed, I am forgiven!
11/30/2014
Father, keep me positive....bless others through me!
May the light of Your Holy Spirit shine so brightly!
I surrender my flaws and worries; I leave them at the cross!
I vow to focus on what I have been given rather than what I've lost!
God, You are amazing in every wonderful way!
May Your loving grace pave my way today!
May my actions express gratitude for all that You have blessed me with!
Thank You for this day, may it be cherished for what it truly is.
...a gift!
11/27/2014
So much to be grateful for this year! Blessings surround our family! 2014..... A year full of awesome change! This year was my first time to cook the meal, and it was a success! Miracles all around! Thanks to a God who loves me no matter what!
I used to be a dreamer...... and in my dream I was an awesome mother......today I am that girl!
I used to be a dreamer..... and in my dream I was the greatest daughter.....today that is my world!
I used to be a dreamer..... and in my dream I was not afraid to 'try'.... today I am that girl!
I used to be a dreamer.... and in my dream I am smiling..... today that is my world!
Thank You, Jesus........Imagine.....Great things do happen!
Believe.......!
11/26/2014
Father, guide me through this day. Keep me focused on Your will for me. Thank you for the blessings in my life! Bless me with patience and peace, take my character defects far away from me please! I pray all these things in the beautiful name of Your son, Jesus Christ!
11/25/2014
Thanksgiving 2014 is two days away! This year is so very different, I moved here when I was 15 years old, 1200 miles away from the family nest I grew up in. For these past 18 years, the holidays have been a difficult time for me, in fact typically I would relapse this time of year. Drugs masked the pain of having no immediate family around, yet they also caused me to be further disconnected from the very thing I so much desired......to 'belong' to 'be connected'. Drugs were killing my hope and joy! Today I no longer have to wade in the sick sea of self pity! My immediate family is still far away, yet this journey with my Savior has mended those relationships. Though there is distance between us, we are closer than we have ever been! Today I have so much to be thankful for, and this Thanksgiving is the most meaningful in my life! I have so many people around me that love me and care about me! My family has grown by leaps and bounds. I have a spiritual family that builds me and encourages me! Thank You, Father, for the peace and joy in my life today, and for the network of spiritual heartstrings that cradle me all the time! I have so many reasons to celebrate........ first and foremost...... I am a child of the MOST HIGH GOD! He loves me, no matter what! How awesome is that!?
My heart dances with gratitude in light of your love!
I praise my heavenly Father above!
Thanks to You, for all that I have!
Thanks to You, the great "I AM"!
-Amen!!
11/23/2014
2014 has been a year of significant change in my life. It has been the defining chapter year of my journey on this earth. The shaking of my world that took place on January 10th of this year, was the beginning of my own personal revelation book! The darkness vanished, and the light was visible! My clean date, or spiritual birthday, 1/11/2014. The 111 is such an important number to me for so many reasons that have been made clear to me along the way. In the Bible, the 111 symbolizes the Trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit). How absolutely amazing is that!? All 1's also represent the 'upright', or a 'new beginning'. It was the day I was standing at the crossroads in my life.......do I let the darkness continue to define me? Or do I walk with God into the uncharted waters of the unfamiliar? Do I step out of the boat and grab the hand of my beautiful savior Jesus, and 'walk on water'? The devil that had been operating this body would tell me.....that is ridiculous, you can't walk on water, it simply is not logical! Yet as I sat there in that holding cell, terrified of the road that lay ahead...... I was able to gain some clarity, I was able to grab hold of some acceptance, and most important..... Truth! The tools the wicked one had used to control my every move, were no longer an issue. The battle within was over...... and out of me emerged the tools that would change my whole world! The willingness had been there for quite some time prior to the storm, but the drug had been running the show, the devil had control! Something miraculous happened to me that cold dark night....... I no longer had to suffer, those earthly tools were gone, I had to pull from the power that had been housed within me all along the way! The only power that could possibly exist that would save this addict........the power of the HOLY SPIRIT! My help had finally come, and His name was Jesus Christ! Halo around Him, His arms wrapped around me, and in His hand: a one way ticket to eternal peace and joy......with MY NAME ON IT! I simply cannot think of a better day to conquer the darkness in my life, than the very number my Savior represents: 111!!!! Team 111! ....... And I cried out......."YES"!
11/21/2014
God, please help me to work on my flaws.
Help me to remain faithful to Your laws!
I know I am not perfect, I will never be free from sin!
Help me to not act out on my defects over and over again!
When I am faced with difficulty, grant me serenity and peace!
God, take these character defects! Remove them from me please!
Father, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference! Please help me to practice patience with my husband! Grant me the ability to let him be him! Help me to identify my part, and focus less on his! Help me to be offended less! Help me to love more! I pray all these things in the beautiful name of Jesus Christ! -Amen
11/20/2014
Father, fill me with the power of the Holy Spirit! Let Your Good Word overflow into all areas of my life! Use me as a vessel of light for everyone I come into contact with! Bless this world! We are all destined to be AWESOME! Through You and Your GLORY and amazing LOVE for each and every one of us........ we can defeat the enemy! I have overflowing gratitude for all You have blessed me with, show me where I am needed! Use me for Your purpose! In the name of Your son, Jesus Christ, who is the doorway to Salvation!
11/19/2014
I spend a lot of time in meditation on this journey of my life! I enjoy reflecting back on my times of desperation and the dark side of my life. The reason for this, is I have a deep desire for change. Total transformation, which requires total and complete change. The statement "more will be revealed" comes to mind quite often, in fact almost daily on this path. Yesterday, I spent some time pondering how drastically different my thought process is on this recovery journey. During that time of my life when the drug had control of me, I remember thinking......"God help me! Save my boys from this person I have become!" They loved me, and I hated myself! The drug was in control of my body, and I was incapable of being the mother I imagined myself to be! My boys deserved better than that 'robot mommy' I had become. I felt trapped and hopeless inside! And what was even worse, was that people around me were always praising me up for being such a wonderful mom! In my mind, I was a fake!.... a phony! Today, I have freedom from the grips of wicked one! I am no longer gasping for air...... I am no longer at war with myself! I am no longer beating on the walls of my own head, silently crying out for help..... I am no longer Satan's puppet! I AM a an amazing child of God, and I AM a wonderful mother! For this, I am FOREVER GRATEFUL! Freedom to choose........ A God given blessing!
11/18/2014
I am a grateful child of the most high God, Creator of this world! I am destined for greatness! Father, use me like a tool for Your magnificent plan! I want to be witness to Your miraculous works! Guide me, lead me, whisper to me! I love You, I commit myself to You! You are my Coach, my Teacher, my Father! I want to be a Godly mother, daughter, wife, servant......keep me teachable and always humble! Keep the memories of my past alive only in my mind! Keep me moving forward, keep me walking in Truth! I love You, and Bless this beautiful day! I pray all these things in the name of my precious redeemer, Jesus Christ!...... Amen!
11/17/2014
Father God, guide me through the day! Thank You for the many many blessings in my life, and for the wonderful weekend (first weekend reunited!)! Please watch over our newly built little nest! Guide us with the glorious power of the Holy Spirit! Teach me to teach my boys about Your son, Jesus! I put all my trust in You, because I KNOW that You love me and want only what is best for me! Thank You!
11/16/2014
God, Please do for me what I cannot do alone!
With You, all is possible! You are my Stronghold!
This world is so full of the wicked one that destroys!
He is cunning and posses so many decoys!
Help me to identify what is not of You!
Protect my precious soul, shield me with the Truth!
Keep me holy and filled with Your amazing light!
Father bless me with strength and courage to do what's right!
God, grant me freedom from myself! I surrender control to You! This life is so full of sinful temptations, that man puts his own selfish approval on. Keep me strong, do not let me compromise for the easy route! Fuel the flame that is within me! May the Power of the Holy Spirit be stronger than ever! Light my path with Your luminous light!!! Use this body in which the Spirit resides, for Your plan alone! Cast out all fear, pride, and worldly conveniences! Those things are only self defeating in the end! For with You, all things wonderful are possible! I pray all these things in the name of Your Amazing Son, my redeemer, Jesus Christ!
11/15/2014
Been sick for 4 days now! Not that I am desiring to be in a negative frame of mind, but it sure seems to me that sickness and negativity go hand in hand! Ugh, so much I would love to do.....not energy enough to make it happen! My son is finally home, and mommy is sick.....poor me! lol On the positive.....I am clean! I will gladly take sick and clean over sick and miserable ANY DAY! It is all a matter of perspective!
God, take this sickness from me please!
Bless me with some energy.....I sure am in need!
Inspire me to do something creative, maybe try something new!
Send a mini miracle.....God show me what to do!
-Amen
Father, help me to be still in the busyness of life!
Guide me with Your truth, guide me with Your light!
Bless me with the patience to live only for today!
Grant me precious serenity, take my anxious thoughts away!
Speak to me in whispers, fill my heart with gladness!
Help me to be calm amongst the worldly madness!
Father, keep me always teachable, keep me focused and on course!
For from You I do draw my strength, You are my only source!
Fill me with the Holy Spirit in everything I do!
Keep me patient, keep me kind, Bless me with Your loving grace!
Walk me through each new day with a joyful smile upon my face!
Help me to always remember where I came from, and where Ive been!
With arms outstretched, I cling to Jesus, who is my Savior and my friend!
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen
-Hebrews 11:1
11/11/2014
PRAISE GOD! PRAISE GOD! PRAISE GOD! Our little one is home!!!!! Thank You, Father for answered prayers! Thank You for keeping me diligent and vigilant!!! For You are where my help comes from!
11/10/2014
Father, speak through me all day! Let my words not be my own!
Let the Holy Spirit move through me, so that many seeds are sown!
God, You are my strength and hope! And the Cross....my door to You!
Be with me throughout this day.....guide me in everything I do!
11/10/2014
Yesterday was such a deeply spiritual day for me! I know that I speak of the power of prayer quite often, that is because it truly is where I pull my strength from! The church service was amazing, as it always is. The lesson was such an inspiration to strive to do "better", to push myself make today more awesome than yesterday! Each service, following the sermon, there is an opportunity to go up front and pray with a prayer team. It was such a 'moving experience'. My family went up front to pray with one of the prayer leaders, and suddenly we were surrounded by other members of our church family praying over us! To know that people love and care about us that much, that they were compelled by the Holy Spirit to be with us in prayer at that moment, is no doubt.......AWESOME! The experience was like no other, I felt as if the Holy Spirit was causing me to levitate off the floor! Wow!........ there simply are no words to describe the feeling! ........... pure and simple......WOW!!!
Father, just for today, keep me on a positive path,
keep me honest and faithful in every single task!
Bless our family and our home, keep our spirits warm!
Protect us from the wicked one, keep us free from harm!
Guide us into the light with Your grace and loyal love!
I pray all these things in the name of Jesus Christ, my Savior and Your son!
11/6/2014
Prayer is so amazingly powerful, It simply makes me smile! Last night my prayer was intense, It feeds my soul when I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit moving through me! Nothing makes me feel more complete, than the deep spiritual connection with my Higher Power that I feel today! When I awoke this morning, for the first time in quite some time, the blankets were not wrapped in a million knots! I slept calmly and peacefully! What an awesome God indeed!
11/5/2014
The devil has sifted me like wheat,
Yet through my Savior, I find peace!
I was beaten down, and I was lost!
But I am saved by the Lamb of God!
He is my hope, He's all I need!
He does rescue! He does set free!
My faith has blossomed, I am standing strong!
Through Jesus Christ, the Son of God!
11/4/2014
Jesus take the wheel, guide me through this day!
Fill me with the Holy Spirit, protect me with Your grace!
10/31/2014
I must always be on guard and ready to defeat the devil! For he can manifest himself in the most deceitful of ways. He is clever and knows my weaknesses, yet God blesses me with the tools to counteract an attack! I have the great armor of the Holy One within me, and I have the power to choose! Just for today, I will put one foot in front of the other, and continue to do what is right and good! ...... Love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul, and love your neighbor as yourself! Do this, and miracles do happen! :)
10/30/2014
Jesus, You are my rock! You are the way and the truth!
Great things keep happening when I live my life for You!
Guide me, love me, keep blessing me with smiles!
Continue to give me the strength I need to face my trials!
My Prince of Peace, my source of joy, the keeper of my soul!
For even when I am by myself, I know I'm not alone!
10/29/2014
Change your attitude, change your life! It is all a matter of perspective. Last night I had this amazing revelation..... I CAN only bring about change by changing my actions. I have to rewire my whole way of thinking! Which can only happen by stepping out of what is familiar, and stepping into a whole new idea! At first it was a bit uncomfortable, but now the new idea is my comfort zone! Change is a tough one, and it does not happen over night, it happens when I do the next right thing.......over and over! Am I saying that there are no longer any desires or temptations that occur in this life? Of course not, but each time I resist any temptations, I create a new pathway for the good stuff to continue. It feels good when I make a good choice. That feeling is confirmation that I have strengthened the new wiring in my mind. Any situation faces choices.....good .......bad.......and in between (if there is such an animal ;) ). Either way, my point is, when I make a choice, it follows with a feeling. Those feelers I like to think of as a huge web in my mind. I can fill up my mind with a beautifully woven web of good, or I can cloud it with a mangled mess! The most amazing reality......I get to choose!
Romans 8:17-18 says, “Since we are his children, we will possess the blessings he keeps for his people, and we will also possess with Christ what God has kept for him; for if we share Christ's suffering, we will also share his glory. I consider that what we suffer at this present time cannot be compared at all with the glory that is going to be revealed to us”
10/28/2014
Father, protect me from the godless powers of the wicked one!
Give me courage to do what's right, bless me with wisdom!
For I know that I am not perfect, nor will I ever be!
Help me to stand strong in faith with the tools You have given me!
This life is never easy, challenges do come my way!
Shield me with your Loving grace, and guide me through the day!
10/27/2014
This recovery journey has been the most beautiful experience in my entire life! I have met so many fantastic souls! Each person like a lamp stand along my path, and each of them carries a cross of their own. We are all broken in one way or another, some more than others, yet we all have something in common! ........salvation! For our scars make us beautiful, they do not make us weak, in fact quite the opposite. Our scars are like spectacular panes of different colored glass! They make our individual light stands unique and wonderful in so many ways! Thank You, Father for opening my eyes and grafting a whole new idea onto my mind! I love You!
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:28-31
10/25/2014
God works miracles through and through! Yesterday morning I woke up after an intense prayer request the night before! I asked Him to show me what I am to do next......"God give me a sign! Guide me!.......Show me what I am to be doing!" So when I woke up yesterday, I had a missed phone call in the middle of the night from my mom. I am not the best at checking my voice mail in a timely manner, but the time the call had come in caused me some concern. So when I checked my messages, there were 5 new ones. The first of the 5 was a pocket dialed recording from a sermon at church a few Sundays ago. It got my intense attention and I listened to the message in its entirety. The unusual thing is, a portion of the recording was so crystal clear, that it seemed as though the speaker had the phone in his hand. The rest of it was muffled as a typical pocket/purse dial would be. The message I heard was...."Jesus is alive and inside our prison walls! Those guys are on spiritual fire, even within those concrete walls and razor wire. In fact, Jesus is more alive in there than He is out here in the 'free world'!" ........ Why? Why aren't we out here spreading the Good News?! We should be! Needless to say but there was no message left in the middle of the night from my mom, but God knew that the time of the missed call would prompt me to check my messages! Wow! :)
Father, keep me on this path! Help me to be the messenger for Your Good Word! I love You with all that I am!
Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts. My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you. When your judgments come upon the earth, the people of the world learn righteousness.
Isaiah 26:8-9
10/24/2014
It is absolutely amazing to me each time I am blessed with a 'God Wink'. It happens so very often, in fact I catch myself becoming anxious...... eagerly awaiting any message He places in my path. How fun to know that He takes the time to message me......little me.....just a simple human trying to 'make it'. Yet the All Powerful, All Knowing, Most High GOD, loves me! Time is so valuable on the earth, so when a Father or Mother or anyone really, takes the time to show love......I mean genuine LOVE.....there is no greater gift than that! Father, thank you for all that you do for me and through me! Keep me open and always teachable...... I am so grateful for all that You are!
10/19/2014
I am a precious child of God, I do not have to be afraid!
Because my Father speaks to me in so many different ways!
He loved me even while I was living a life of sin!
He patiently awaited for the day I would call on Him!
And when that day arrived....He came with love and grace!
He delivered me from the darkness....He put a smile back on my face!
-sjt 1019/2014
10/17/2014
I have so much gratitude for my spiritual life with Christ! I embrace all the precious little 'God-Winks' I receive when I continue on my path! God sees all and knows all that I am even better than I myself. It can be sometimes overwhelming to wrap my head around that. I compare faith to the movie 'Avatar'...... this is the only way I can begin to make any sense of it at all. I simply have to remind myself that I don't have to know 'why' all the time......I just continue to live in the moment......just one day at a time......and 'be still'. For more WILL be revealed...... in His time! Thank You, Father, for all that You do and are! :)
God, You are my source of power; from which I draw my strength!
Every breath I breathe, every step I take....
I do all things not to please the world, I do them to please You!
For You have given me a life of beauty and a life of truth!
-sjt 10/14/2014
I am weak but He is strong! I do not have to be afraid.
God loves me always....no matter what choices I have made.
By the wreckage of my past.... Satan tries so hard to shackle me!
Yet my God is an AWESOME GOD, and by His loving grace ...I am set free!
-sjt 10/12/2014
10/8/2014
Yesterday was an amazing day! I was really busy, which I love! I enjoy being of service to others. My mom has been such an awesome support to me throughout my life. My day started out fantastic, as it was day 270 (9 months clean). Mom gave me a study book for the bible.....what a thoughtful gift! I worked hard at work, and It felt great to leave there knowing I had done my very best. After work I dropped a little package of a couple of pencils, and some other little treasures for my little boy in my mom's mailbox. My son just loves little surprises! Then I was off to the meeting at the halfway house in the area. I enjoy doing that so much. There are such wonderful people on the panel that go in there. We bring recovery meetings to the girls that are staying there, It gives them a 'hope' that there is a possibility to 'live' without drugs! When I got back to my vehicle, I had the sweetest text message..... my mom had text me and told me my son loved the surprise, and that he said he could smell momma on the package! My heart melted when I read it! I just love this journey, and all the little 'God Winks' I receive daily! I am grateful for all that I have! :)
9 Months Clean!
The Bible says in Romans 15:4, “For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope” (NIV).
1 Peter 4:8 (NIV)
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins
9/28/2014
Wow, how appropriate to have read this scripture today. I just got back from my walk, which I spent pondering the heavy load I spend worrying about. I realized something this morning. At the beginning of my journey, my focus was all about the barrage of people that I have keeping tabs on me...... all the people I have to please, and all the treatment and institutions I visit on a regular basis. How I have acquired several nicknames along the way. For example..... I have one place where they address me as "Smiley". Then there's another that calls me "Ray of sunshine"! So many people have asked me a similar question on countless occasions...... "How do you stay so positive and upbeat? All the time!?"......The answer is, when I do right by God, and I only worry about pleasing Him......everything else is 'gravy'! I just 'love' everybody. Yet my conscious reasoning behind doing that has changed along the journey. At the beginning, I was on cloud nine.....ecstatic that I was really getting clean! I was really doing it! It was all about me! ..... Proving to me and everyone else, that I could actually stay clean! So naturally, it has been my experience that 'loving everybody' came so easy. Then as I evolved, and embraced the spiritual journey I have found myself on.....my focus has been on pleasing the one whom saved me from that dark road I had been traveling! He did for me what I could not do for myself or anyone else! ...... He LOVED ME! Now it is my purpose to 'pay that forward'......He has called me to 'Love'....all people, especially the difficult ones. For I am seeing that they are the ones who need someone to 'Love' them most! God changed my life, He blessed me with peace and joy in my life, and He wants to do the same for all His children! Ya know, I used to not smile at all.....ever! I simply cannot imagine that today!
9/27/2014
The words: "Don't try to figure out 'why'......be patient....for more will be revealed to you." have been lingering in my head for several weeks now. It is as if God is speaking to me. For when I have a constant thought it makes me really wonder if there is more to the thought than I realize. Thoughts can be so very powerful, and I am grateful that my thoughts today are constructive rather than the opposite. It has been my experience that when I am 'still' and 'teachable'..... the need for me to try to control my outcomes..... tends to vanish. It is absolutely empowering in a wonderfully harmonic new way! There is an amazing sense of freedom in 'stillness'! Control and the need for perfection have been such an issue all throughout my life. In the 'quiet' so much has in fact been revealed to me! And with these mini revelations, I receive a new kind of control....freedom from my inner demons! Wow, could this sense of 'complete' be what I was really after this entire time?! The answer is YES!!! Today I could not want for anything! For when I remain in constant conversation with my God, I don't feel the need to dissect everything! It is actually quite the opposite! Today I love to 'listen' to what God has to say!
Today is day 260 of my journey, it is also the first day of unsupervised visitation with my 5 year old Child of God! I get to be supervised by my Heavenly Father instead, and for that I am sooooooo grateful! I am convinced that He will be smiling ear to ear..... much the same as I!
Make today Beautiful! For we are Children of the Most High God! :) We are called to "LOVE".... Let us do what He requests of us!
Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O LORD.
Psalm 25:6,7
9/21/2014
I find comfort in Scripture! How Amazing of a God, to forgive a sinner like me! Yesterday I read the story of the Leper who was washed clean of his disease. I cried when I read it, because my story is so very similar. No, I do not have Leprosy, and I never have. I do suffer from the disease of addiction. I was hopeless and lost when I was using. I wanted so badly to be 'clean'! God did for me what I could not do for myself, and for that I will be always grateful! God delivered me from that life for a purpose, and I vow to always remain teachable!
"Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."
John 14:21
9/19/2014
God speaks to me in so many ways. I cannot help but smile about that fact! Yesterday my husband and I went to the meeting. As we were leaving, several people were coming for the next meeting. They know what we are going through. We stopped to talk with them, and each had a bit of hope and experience to share with us. There was one person in particular that got my attention. He said: "Keep doing what you should be doing, and do not use no matter what. Miracles do happen, I have witnessed them happen to many others in these rooms." He also said, "Everything that you are going through.... somebody else up here has been through the very same thing....and they did it 'clean'". He asked me: "How do you eat an elephant?" I laughed, and he followed with.... "One bite at a time!"
So we went on home, and the entire way I was pondering on what he had said to me. The look in his eyes was one of such 'peace' and comfort to me. When I got home I worked on my bible study homework and concluded my evening in prayer and meditation. When I opened my daily devotional.......it read: We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. -2 Corinthians 4:8-9 The author of the devotional then follows with: There is an old saying..... "How do you eat an elephant?"......The answer is....."One bite at a time!"
Now, there is not a sole on this planet that could convince methat God did not speak to me last night! How absolutely amazing is that!?
Matthew 19:25-26 (NIV)
When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, "Who then can be saved?"Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
9/17/2014
Last night I cried myself to sleep. I mean I wept like the night my boys were removed from my home. My heart hurts for my sons. I know that the only one whom can mend my broken heart is God! It is terrifying and deeply saddening to witness what man can do. Yet I find so much peace inside with my deep conversations with God. When I am so very weak and exhausted, like last night, I have so much gratitude for those talks with Him. Prayer is such wonderful medicine when I am in such a vulnerable state! It simply blows my mind!.......
9/16/2014
I am so grateful for a Loving God, Whom never left my side even while I had the wheel. God simply took a backseat, and waited patiently while I tried to be 'in control'. A good parent allows their child the freedom of choice. The role of a parent is to plant the 'seed', and when the child is ready to begin making choices on their own......that is the time for the parent to 'let go', and wait patiently for the child to return. The child is going to 'fall' at some point. This is how we learn. I know today that a good parent must allow this freedom for growth. God did just that in my life, He waited patiently for me to ask for His help. When I was willing to accept that 'my way' didn't work, and I was willing to become teachable again, God was right there to 'Love' me back.....no questions....no matter what! What a blessing indeed, to be a child of God!
9/14/2014
Went through prison ministry training today! Met some wonderful people! Please God, allow me this opportunity! Do not let the mess of my past keep me from being a part of something so beautiful! It is so important to me to be able to share my walk into 'the light' with those that may be stuck in 'the dark'. The sermon at church today was one of the most moving experiences in my existence. Thank You, Father for speaking to me through the messenger! And thank You for a church where I can feel 'a part of'! Such awesomeness all around me, I feel so very blessed!
9/13/2014
I work a "just for today" program. I must not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow may not ever happen. Today is September 13th 2014, and there will not ever be another 'today'. I will stay clean.....I will keep moving forward....I will appreciate all that today has to offer. I will approach today with gratitude!
Just for today, I will continue to stay clean!
I will keep moving forward, and do the "next right thing"!
Just for today I will push towards my goal,
with willingness to see the miracles unfold!
Just for today I will follow suggestions...
I will remain 'teachable' without any question.
Just for today I will seek peace and joy!
I will be driven forward by great love for my boys!
Just for today I won't dwell on mistakes!
I'll make today beautiful.....whatever it takes!
-sjt 9/13/2014
9/11/2014
God please be with the families of the victims of 9/11.
9/10/2014
God, keep me teachable! For I know if I remain open minded and humble, and roll up my sleeves to do the work......it will be so worth it! Thank You for the gift of life!
9/9/2014
Day 242! Father, please work miracles in our lives! Please reunite our family, this has been a long journey full of spiritual growth. Please bless us with the privilege of parenting once again! Amen
9/6/2014
Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God. -Matthew 4:4 This morning I got up at 4:30 and went for my walk. My route takes me through my neighborhood. This morning there were a bunch of drunk people outside hollering at each other, round and round they went cussing and repeating themselves. The first time I passed them, someone was leaving their property, and nearly ran me over! Nobody even noticed I was walking past, their dog was all over my dog, and they just kept arguing amongst themselves. It took nearly 3 laps for them to realize maybe they should put the dog inside, as all the noise and nonsense was most likely going to draw more attention then they were already doing. Or maybe that thought never crossed their minds at all. Nonetheless, the situation made me reflect back to ways I had behaved in the past. Was a reminder of the ridiculous scenarios I had put myself in on countless occasions. It also made me realize how dangerous those types of situations are for not just the parties involved. Just for today, thank You, God for vigilance!
9/4/2014
Each night I conclude my day in prayer. I ask God to reunite our family, and express my gratitude for the many blessings I receive on a daily basis. It helps me to remember what I do have, and the progress that we are making on our journey. I reflect back to what choices led us to the storm, and the choices we are making in recovery. Last night I was in prayer, and I remember thinking.....I wonder if God is getting tired of me making the same request. This morning I read the devotional, which discussed why God does not answer our prayers immediately. The author suggested that God's reasoning is a measure of how truly serious we are.....God is not a vending machine God. If He gave me what I ask for instantly, what lessons would I be learning? It is a spiritual growth process, and He is my teacher. I must trust that God is in charge of all areas of my life, and He knows what is best for me.....ALWAYS!
9/2/2014
Busy preparing for the beautiful rainbow that can almost be seen!
From the storm that blew me in this direction down the road that got me clean!
A storm does not go on forever; the pain will come to an end!
I have learned some really good life lessons that I do not care to repeat again!
I patiently and calmly wait for God to call and say "it's time!"
I embrace each precious moment on this path that I gratefully call mine!
8/31/2014
I suffer from the disease of addiction. Lately I have noticed myself using food as my drug, especially since I have quit smoking cigarettes. I have heard that anything in excess is never a good thing. When I use food to fill a void other than the void of an empty stomach, it is a sin. The Bible says not to be a glutton. I am struggling with knowing this. Food is not meant to be a method of self medicating.....so does this mean I am idolizing it? Or am I over thinking things too much here, as I tend to do that as well. Being 'thin' has been my demon for my entire life. It has been the root cause of all the bad choices I have made throughout my existence. When I lay the demon to rest, I am able to move forward. My day today started quite the same as any other day.....I woke up to go for my morning walk, and typically I read the daily scripture after wards, but this morning I was moving a little slower than usual. So I read one of the meditations before so that I could start off my thought process in a positive direction. It is always nice to have something constructive to ponder while walking....... the scripture I read was 1 John 5:21 Dear children keep yourself from idols.........my thoughts immediately took me to my struggles with food, and the ways I have coped along the way. From there I thought about my walking regimen, which has evolved to a bit over excessive as well. Round and round I went in my head.....from "well, I must walk to stay clean" then ......"keep Holy the Sabbath"....by walking today am I doing this? Was I tired today because God was trying to tell me I should take a day of rest?....."Omg! Am I idolizing walking too?"........So the entire 3 1/2 miles, I am in battle in my mind. I must have burned a double dose of calories with the amount of running I did inside my head. Lol! Anyway the funny part of the whole deal was when I returned home from my walk, I read the other devotional which was...... Exodus 34:21 Six days you shall labor, but on the seventh day you shall rest; even during the plowing season and harvest you must rest! Wow! Are you freaking kidding me?! At 5 am I was receiving a Spiritual phone call from God! Amazing! I think the lesson here is, always answer when God is calling! :)
8/29/2014
Each day does pass, but my memories they do not fade.
I choose to always remember those choices we had made.
It is especially vital that do not ever allow myself to forget.
which then lessens the chance for any future regret.
God makes no mistakes and He is never late.
Until that day does arrive....I will patiently wait.
8/24/2014
This experience was meant to be a test of faith,
To realign my focus on a God who's Great!
I cherish each moment in this new life!
A line in the sand without thinking twice!
When faced with the option of new life....or death,
No time for darkness, no time for the stress!
Looking back, I am in 'awe' at the state I was in!
What a wicked place of evil and sin!
Today, such progress, joy and peace...
All the more reason to get down on my knees!
To Thank God, Whom lifted me out of that place...
And Lead me to safety with such Love and Grace!
8/22/2014
God, give me the patience and courage to face each day individually. Help me to not over think things, and Help me to not think so far ahead. I know that when I do this, that only creates worry in my mind. When I am worried or afraid, it robs me of my quality of life. I surrender my worries to the Cross! Thank you, God for all the blessings You have provided for my family! I will continue to focus on the Cross, and what Your son, Jesus Christ did for the sins of this world! If Jesus can do that, I can face anything that this earthly life places in my path! I Love You, and Thank You for this life!
8/20/2014
These last few days have been absolutely amazing! The visits with my boys have been so much fun! On the 17th (day 219), was the very first time since the storm for me to be with them both at the same time! I couldn't be any more grateful for that having happened. It was the happiest moment I can remember in a long long time. What a day full of miracles! It was every bit of how I imagined it would be! I love my kids so much and I cannot wait to be the mom I always pictured in my mind! ..... clean, happy, and so full of gratitude! I feel so very blessed for this life that has transpired through all the storm. God is so great! Good things are still to come..... always!
8/11/2014
God, please grant me the patience necessary to deal with difficult people. Help me to remember that the only person I need to be worried about pleasing, is You! I am learning a lot about people. This journey has taught me some real life lessons. I cannot control the actions of others. I can only control how I choose to react. Thank You for giving me the tools I need to be a part of this world. Thank You for hearing my prayers, and speaking to me all the time! Thank You for providing me with the ability to 'listen' today. People can be so cruel, and that makes me feel so sad inside. I know that the only power I have, is the power of prayer! I will continue to strengthen that power. I choose to be a soldier of the Lord, and that is the most empowering experience that this life has to offer! Please speak to the hearts of the difficult people, as you spoke to me. Please keep my eyes open, ALWAYS! Keep me focused on the Cross! Continue to help me make good choices! Father, thank You so much for the many blessings in my life, even the ones that are disguised within the most challenging situations!
8/9/2014
I woke up today thinking about 'this moment'. This very moment, will not ever happen again. I didn't get to bed last night as early as I had hoped, and in result, I am tired. It is 5:30 a.m., and a Saturday, and like any other day I am up for coffee and my daily prayer/meditation......then off to do my morning walk. This morning, I am not so interested in walking. Yet, I choose to remind myself of how great I feel when I choose to follow through with those things that are good for me. I cannot ever get this moment back, once it is gone....it is gone. Reminding myself of this, I am able to push forward and make the most. Today I choose to focus on the positive rather than the negative. Yes I am a little tired, but if I push myself to always do my best, I know I will be glad that I did. Today I am grateful that I 'get to walk', cuz some people don't have that ability..... all a matter of perspective! ;)
8/8/2014
Seven months clean! Wow! That in itself has placed me on a spiritual high today! I had an awesome opportunity arise on my way to work this morning! I have this friend that owns a gas station I frequently stop into on my route. We exchange a friendly 'hello' and a little bit about our day quite often. He is versed in my journey, and has known me in my active addiction as well as recovery. He is a very spiritual person, and I am grateful for the conversations that we have shared over the years. Several days ago, he shared with me that he owns a radio station, on which he ministers in several languages. We joked around about how I need to be learning a second language so that I can participate in his endeavor. In the back of my mind, I was partly serious. I love to help people, and I have witnessed miracles happen in my life experiences! I also love to learn, and have always envisioned myself someday being multi-lingual...... Well, this morning I stopped by to share the news of 7 months clean! He gave me a high five and reminded me of his radio station. He asked me if I have ever ministered? I said no, but I have spoken about recovery, and I really enjoy doing that too! He invited me to share my testimony on the air! The simple fact that I might be able to touch the heart of someone whom could be lost in the disease of addiction, or any struggle for that matter.......AWESOME! My higher power is giving me a glowing green LED! The whole way to work I daydreamed of 'lost' people smiling with the most peaceful and joyous smiles that they never realized possible! You see, that is what this journey has done for me, and I want so much to share that feeling with as many others as I can! To whomever might be reading this post......Have a wonderful Friday! God is truly AMAZING!
8/1/2014
I cannot control how people treat me, or react to me. I can only control my own actions. I have no time for the people whom show me no respect. I can however, pray for them and what goes on in their hearts. I cannot say that there is anyone in this world that I have met that I do not like. Each individual that I have crossed paths with has been unique in their own ways. There is beauty in everybody, and for whatever reason, I have always been able to see that beauty. For that, I am so very grateful. Where I go wrong is, when I expect that others should have that same characteristic. Now, how incredibly silly is that?! If I were to believe that to be true, I would have basically just contradicted myself! Life is far too precious and brief to grant floor space in my head to such nonsense! That simple factual piece of awareness that I just mentioned..brings me freedom. I can award myself a dose of serenity today by merely appreciating those people that I have allowed to hurt me......from a distance! Thank goodness it is Friday, and thank goodness I am still standing!........and most importantly........ I thank God that I am still CLEAN! .....Miracles all around! :)
7/29/2014
Today my husband and I are 200 days clean! Could not have done it without God for sure! A super sized thank you to our wonderful families and all the people whom we have met along our journey! 200 days! .....Tell yourself.....self! :)
7/27/2014
Today my husband and I rededicate our lives to Jesus! We are being re baptized as a couple! What could be more awesome than that!? We have been through so much, and have experienced all the good and the bad.... I am grateful to have evolved to a point in our lives where we can see what truly matters most! Thank You, Jesus for dying for our sins.....so that we could experience life!
You shook the demons from my world, I am forever grateful and I want you to know this!
Amongst the rubble...a light emerged. It was the power of the Holy Spirit.
There I stood in the eye of the storm...to face angel of the Lord in disguise.
From her came the sweetest voice, and the most calming and peaceful eyes!
I will only remember the bad...for the good that from it I am blessed!
For on the dreadful stormy night, my faith did pass the test!
-sjt 7/26/2014
7/26/2014
Tomorrow my husband and I are going to be re baptized. This is such an exciting step for us in our marriage, a step into our faith as a couple. God has performed so many miracles in our lives the past 197 days, and now we are making a huge commitment in the name of Jesus. I have seen only wonderful things happen since we have opened our hearts to Him, and now to be publicly proclaiming our lives together.........is simply awesome!
A prayer for this world:
Father please watch over the people of Israel. Keep them safe from harm. Be with the hearts of those in the dark, guide them and save them from doing evil. Speak to their hearts as You have spoken to ours. Also, please be with the children on the border. Talk to them, wrap Your loving arms around them, so that they are not afraid. Also, be with all the little children being taken into foster care. Guide their parents, and make them whole again. Plant Your seed of Love into their hearts, and Guide them to safety. Be a net of protection for the little hearts that are so afraid, let them know Your loving light. In Jesus' name, Amen!
7/22/2014
Thank You, God for all the wonderful blessings in our life today! This has been a road of many trials, and we will not give up! I know You have big plans for us, and I am so grateful for my eyes and ears being open! Though we are emotionally maxed out, we continue to focus on the Cross! The efforts will be well worth every second!
To my crazy Capricorn....to my bundle of joy!
the sweetest loving little boy!
I miss you so much, I will never give up!
fighting for your kisses and hugs!
You are an angel, a gift from the Lord!
mommy's little miracle and so much more!
My Capricorn soldier, so courageous and strong!
this journey has been so terribly long!
I love you little man, keep smiling, my star!
someday you will realize just how special you are!
-sjt 7/21/2014
7/19/2014
Looking forward to my movie date with my husband tonight! I been thinking a lot about those little things that seemed like an irritation, or a waste of money while I was using. I am thankful today for those little things. Good to be able to say I made it out of my addiction.......to stand face to face with an opportunity to live! Thank you God for waking me up! ....... for dousing me with a much needed bucket of water! I realize I still have a long way to go before I am fit for eternity.....but I am well on my way!
I have so much appreciation and gratitude today for all the people we have met along our journey of recovery. My road began long before I was rescued from active addiction, and today looking back I am able to see the full process thus far. What a spiritual high it is to see all the progress.....even through the storm.....there were angels among us! Now today, the rubble is not quite so deep.....and in the distance a rainbow can almost be seen! Each person has played a special role and has impacted me in significant ways that remind me of God's presence in our world. I long for the day my family is reunited and we can then begin the next beautiful chapter in the story I call life!
Some day I will stand with my arms wrapped around my boys together! I will be weak in the knees with such gratitude....smiling....crying.....laughing! It is gonna be a beautiful beautiful day!
Days go by even when times are tough.
.....Just another reason to not give up.
Days go by though the heart still does hurt.
....Pain is good to bring value and worth.
Days go by sometimes they are all uphill.
....Just think of all the calories killed.
Days go by some good some bad.
.....Just consider all the lessons we've had.
Days go by and looks....they fade.
.....But never forget all the memories made.
Days go by as they always do!
....Be kind, stay strong, faithful, and true!
-sjt7/18/2014
Genesis 1:27-31
27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. 28 God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground." 29 Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. 30 And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground--everything that has the breath of life in it--I give every green plant for food." And it was so. 31 God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning--the sixth day.
7/17/2014
Gonna be difficult to top yesterday! It was such an awesome day, one of those days when you are so spiritually in-tune! So many beautiful moments! I have such deep appreciation for days like those, and am grateful that I have an ability to recognize the mini miracles surrounding me. I work with my amazing mother, she has this innate ability to make me laugh.....laugh so hard I cry tears sometimes. She truly brings great joy to my life, and I value that today especially. For joy is such awesome medicine!
I spent a lot of yesterday, well for many days actually, thinking about my health issues. After visiting with my oldest boy on Sunday and then my youngest on Tuesday, I came to realize something. When I am with my boys, I forget about my issues, I forget about all the pain. For just a moment, I am able to find some peace, I am able to experience true joy! I love them, everything about them! They are like precious gemstones, and I feel so blessed to be their mother! When I get down on myself, I think how could I be anything but awesome......for they are a reflection of me. So if I love them, how could I not love myself!? Thank You, God for my children, my mother, and all the beautiful people in my life!.........and it was "All very Good!"
7/16/2014
Day 187.... The path to what is right will be uncomfortable, that is what I have been told. Experience has shown me that any journey that has a positive outcome has come with hard work. My health has been not so wonderful these days, but I am taking the steps and following my doctors suggestions. I try my best not to worry, as I have also learned that worrying only makes things worse. One day at a time, I will manage what is within my control, and leave the rest for another day. Discomfort is a constant reminder though, of the work that is yet to come. I know I will be fine, I must trust God's plan for me, and continue to do my part.
7/10/2014
When I am feeling despair.....I will focus on the cross.
A reminder of what I have, instead of what I've lost!
When I am feeling judged, a must pray harder!
I must trust God's plan is much much larger.
Through Jesus Christ I find strength to press on!
His desires are more important than my selfish needs or wants.
So a simple daily retreat....I focus on the cross!
And remember what I have today, instead of what I've lost!
-sjt 7/10/2014
7/10/2014
Today I will stay positive! May I choose to speak and act in a manner that pleases God! It is my only duty in this world to treat others with respect and show them the love that Jesus Himself would show! It is not my job to judge others, just as they are not to judge my motives either. I will treat others as I wish to be treated! Happy day 181 world! For with God.......nothing is impossible......nothing!
If you look at the world, you’ll be distressed; if you look within, you’ll be depressed; if you look at Christ, you’ll be at rest.
7/8/2014
A dose of hope....a splash of faith...
that is all it will take.
To walk through this storm.....
to so much more!
I won't give up, though it does seem tough.
This too shall pass with a dash of love.
We will be stronger, the pain will fade...
We will recover from the choices we've made!
-sjt 7/8/2014
7/6/2014
It really hurts to know that I have worked so hard on this journey, and to face the same judgements as if I have made no progress at all. When do my efforts begin to get noticed? When is what I have accomplished going to be 'good enough'? It is painful to be without my boys! I am angry, I am lonely, I am exhausted........However, I am not afraid, and I will not give up! I know the day will arrive, I do not know when........but I know the day will come! God, give me the strength to continue to walk this road. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change those things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!
7/5/2014
Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster without my boys. Not being able to take them to see the fireworks, or go to the lake. Although we were together (my husband and I), it wasn't the same. I didn't handle the day as I should have. But I thank God that my husband was patient with me all day long. I buried the root reasons for my behavior so well, hat I didn't really come to understand why I was so upset until I got to the 8 pm meeting. There was so much that I needed to hear, and sharing about my day brought out the real reasons I was hurting so. That meeting was a beautiful blessing, and helped me to apologize to my husband for all the character defects he had to deal with throughout the day. He simple looked at me and said: "Babe it's okay, I love you and I understand". Always appreciative of the outcome when I choose the next right thing to do!
7/4/2014
Happy July 4th! Is a good day to be clean! 5 days away from 6 months free from drugs! I have a lot to be grateful for today, and have no desire to ever be back where I came from. In just this short period of time, though I have lost most of what I worked for, I have gained so much more. I love this life, I love having a reason to want to get out of bed. I look forward to getting the aftermath of our active addiction behind us. One day at a time, as long as we continue to do the next right thing.......we will get through these difficult times. We will have out family back together.....as long as we continue to stay clean, all will be well. I have discovered my passion in life because of these struggles. I look forward to pursuing a career in chemical dependency counseling. I gain so much in my recovery by simply sharing my experience, strength and hope with the still suffering addict. As days go by and my spirituality continues to grow, the void the drug left behind, lessens. I know I will never be cured of my disease, but I sure as heck can treat the darned thing.....and for that.....I am very grateful!!! :)
6/30/2014
What a wonderful day! How foolish I am so often. I had a major breakthrough today, and the outcome.....a new found sense of bigger trust in God and His wonderful plan for me. This entire journey I have found myself often questioning the way things were panning out. The order of events in real time, that seemed they could not possibly bring forth a desirable outcome! I found trusting in Him, was quite difficult at times because I just could not understand why each status point/ rest stop happened the way they have. So I have been praying HARD for a miracle! I mean I have been in constant prayer, crying tears from the floodgates themselves! And today, as the day progresses, more stuff that just doesn't make any sense...... I mean one in a million type stuff. My initial thought????? "Well of course, it would work out that way for us....." Then, as the day unfolds, and each tiny detail paths the way for God's plan.....bringing me to realize that the miracle I have been praying for has been in progress this entire time. My heart strings are under such distress and have been this whole journey....I ache for my boys, and I willingly surrender my whole self to the care of God. I know that I will be stronger for having walked this path. The pain is only temporary, and will be worth it. For I have a God who never would hurt or forsake me! A God that only does love! I will continue to wait for instruction, and trust that my boys will be okay through this deal, as long as I am doing my part.......all will be well! God, thank You for protecting myself and my family through the storm, please take the wheel, as I am not equipped to drive in this terrain!
6/30/2014
It has been 6 long months since my boys have been home.
And this distance has caused me to feel so alone.
I try hard not to worry and be swallowed by fear...
or get lost in the way of thinking that first got me here.
God, grant us favor today, this has been a hard road.
This cross is so heavy, and there's still a long way to go.
-sjt 6/30/2014
6/26/2014
Focusing on the positive really hard today!
Praying for another miracle to come our way!
May the system see the good, may they see all that we've learned.
May our progress be the antidote that cures all their concerns.
God please perform another miracle....carry our boys back home to us.
For I have seen the possibilities with You, the God whom I do trust!
-sjt 6/26/2014
6/25/2014
It is extremely painful not having my kids with me, and it is naturally easy to fall into the deep sadness that follows. When I am feeling this way, I have found it so helpful to focus outwardly. I remind myself on a daily basis of the miracles in my life, yet that isn't enough when I am down about missing my boys. I turn my focus on where they are at, and the miracles in their lives. I take notice of the beautiful blessings the situation has brought to others, by having my two awesome sons in their care. I am so proud and grateful to be called their mother. There is no circumstance on this planet that can take that away from me. God chose me to be their way into this world! What an amazing honor that is in itself! This period of time seems so terribly long, yet I know this pain will not last forever! I patiently await the rainbow that will follow the storm we are in, and meanwhile, I will continue to put my energy towards my recovery. God, I surrender my hurts and anxieties, and those things of which I cannot control. I choose to focus on the things I 'can' change.......Please give me the wisdom to know the difference!
6/24/2014
Day 27 (in a row) of walking in the mornings. It is also day 8 of my gluten-free diet! It is so exciting to think that today I am able to set goals, and follow through with them......I like this new healthy lifestyle, and I feel so much better than I ever have. While I was walking this morning, my mind was on the misery I had experienced while I was using. It was as if I were standing outside myself watching myself make so many awful choices! I hated myself! I have never been to prison, yet while I was using I felt so trapped inside myself. I was merely existing in this world, I was convinced that I had experienced all that this life had to offer me. I wasn't able to get high anymore, the drug was simply allowing me to exist. Recovery has shown me, that I had never experienced life to begin with. There are so many reasons I no longer desire to go back to that place, and for that I am so very thankful. Today I am facing serious consequences for those choices that I made, and I know that I will pull through it, I am sure of it! The hardships and the struggles that I face today are extremely difficult, don't get me wrong! But in comparison to being back where I was? Not in a million years would I wish myself back there! I will face each new day and its challenges with a smile on my face, because I know that I am living a life of honesty and integrity, and most importantly.....free from drugs! I dreamed of this very place that I am at today during that time. I cannot help but smile when I realize that my dreams are becoming my reality, and actually even better than I imagined! My biggest dream is to be able to share this experience with someone whom shares a similar struggles that I have pulled through. I would like to be the light that someone else has been for me. Total life transformation is possible, and a life with the use of drugs, is NOT the only way! There is hope for anyone........through prayer and positive action, and the willingness to try! My life was completely shattered just shy of 6 months ago, and slowly but surely, life gets so much better.
Corinthians 12:10-11
That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. I have made a fool of myself, but you drove me to it. I ought to have been commended by you, for I am not in the least inferior to the "super-apostles," even though I am nothing.
6/23/2014
This morning I woke up thinking of my many blessings, and the ways in which God spoke to me yesterday. Today, I am so very thankful for my ability to hear God speaking to me. When I listen to Him, wonderful things happen in my life! The most miraculous of all: the joy and peace that I am able to experience without drugs! My thinking told me that surely would never be possible.......Today, I know that was a lie. For with Him, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! Thank you God, for the awesome blessings each and every day!
6/21/2014
I am approaching 6 months clean, in a short 18 days......Have given a lot of thought to my last days, and the transition into this new life. Prior to the death of my active addiction, I spent a long time desiring a new way to live. I knew long before the final day, that that period of my life had run it's course. I had a burning desire for change, due to the nature of my disease and the grip it had on me.....desire alone was not enough for me to take action on my own. My birth into this new life began on January 10th, 2014! It has been the most moving experience as I have walked my journey into the light. "My spiritual birthday", on which I received the most valuable gift of all.....my faith! As I walk this path, my personal faith and relationship with God grows. When I do the work, and I charge my spiritual battery, my inner light shines brighter and brighter. It takes hard work, willingness, and acceptance of change. I like to think of it like this: I am a work of God, as I grow both older and wiser in recovery, and throughout my life's experiences.....there are times I have been knocked down. Sometimes have been far worse than others, and have left what seemed to be deep wounds with nasty scars. Yet what I do with those scars is my choice. Do I let it make me, or break me? It is my opinion that any hardship (even the ones we do not think are possible to recover from), could evolve into something so beautiful. As my spiritual light grows brighter, I learn and grow, and am able to share my experiences with others. When I pick myself up, and put my life back together......I may not fit the same, and some parts may not work like they used to, but I can adapt to the 'new normal'. I can let my light shine through my scars, and be the light through the darkness for that addict who still suffers. Any change is uncomfortable at first, but as I continue to do the work......good things happen. :)
6/18/2014
Nothing happens by accident, I am seeing that more and more in recovery. Today I am a part of something beautiful and way larger than I. If by sharing my experience with even one single person, and can turn them on to a better life without the use of drugs, it will be worth every ounce of effort! To see the twinkle that a tiny seed of 'hope' in someone's eye, is priceless! I am realizing more and more that it is my passion to share my experience, strength, and hope that my life lessons have brought about. The simple truth that I might be someones inspiration to stop using drugs, lose the desire to 'use', and find a new way to live!? Wow!.......Now that is something so AWESOME, and I am grateful to be able to be a part of.
6/17/2014
20th consecutive days of walking a mile or more! First week I walked 1 1/2 miles, then 2 or more.....I remember when It was difficult to walk an entire mile! Some days I walk 3! If I am willing to put forth the effort, and push myself to do better.....It really pays off! Today, consistency is key to a life a beauty and balance! Thank you God for my recovery. This journey has been so worth it!
6/17/2014
Jesus, take the wheel, guide me in my recovery, and show me how to live.......clean!
Thank You for the many miracles along this journey that I've seen!
My faith has been restored, when I put my trust in You!
And my life has gotten better, because You've shown me what to do!
Beautiful things are possible, if I just listen to Your word,
For when I step outside myself, Your voice is always heard!
-sjt 6/17/2014
6/15/2014
Happy Father's day, to a God that is more than any words I will ever know,
To a God that has guided me, and encouraged me to learn and grow!
To a God who has provided many blessings, reminding me of His love.
To a God who is all powerful in everything He does!
-sjt 6/15/2014
6/14/2014
Today is a great day, walked 3 miles this morning. Day 17 of a mile or more EVERY day! Walking has become my Drug of Choice, and it's good for me! Feels good to be addicted to something that is good for me! ......Miracles all around! Attempted to go through the bag of school work and drawings my youngest son did while he was in foster care....Nope, not ready yet. I made it as far as his room, and opened the bag. Saw a book he made with number stickers, I am proud that he learned many things while he was there. Yet, I am so saddened at the reality that I will never be able to be a part of those milestones. In that aspect, this has been the longest 155 days of my life. I choose to allow the positives that of transpired throughout this journey to be my center point. As all things 'good' are of God, and with Him all things are most definitely possible! I cannot say I am acting on this 100% of the time, but I am getting better. I will continue to move forward, for slow progress is way better than no progress at all! One day at a time.......Just for today, I will remember that these earthly struggles are temporary, and how I choose to handle those difficult situations is ultimately what matters. Being honest with myself, I am able to know what things that are beyond my control..... I am slowly learning to give myself a break, and focus on the things in my life that really need my attention! If I said I was not hurting, It would be positively a lie.... that hurt is a reminder that there is something worth fighting for! The LOVE for my boys is of God, and that is something so beautiful!
6/14/2014
Commit not to what is of this world, But to Him who IS what Is!
Good things are sure to happen, when I live my life like this.
I must be unbelievably patient with the ways of the world, for so many are living in sin.
I know I cannot change this place, I wouldn't know where to even begin.
I have been searching my entire life for happiness, not knowing I had the answer all along.
I am just so thankful that I found it before this life had come and gone.
For seizing this opportunity was the best choice I will ever have made.
This new life I've found for myself...It is A life I would never trade.
Getting clean has brought me freedom from living a life of lies!
And recovery has shaped me into a beautiful butterfly!
-6/14/2014 sjt
6/13/2014
There I stood, engulfed in a storm......My whole world tipped upside down!
Chaos, turmoil, noise all around...yet there I sit... so eerily calm.
In a euphoric state of shock, I am unable to move or speak.
Drowning in a sea of foreign emotions and frozen in disbelief!
Flashlights, laughter, and the muffled sounds of men going through my things.
My mind...like a baby just coming into the world....unclear of whats around me.
Alone, cold, and clothed in fear of the unknown territory in which I've landed.
Gasping for air and clinging to any glimpse of hope I'm handed.
-sjt 6/13/2014
6/12/2014
Intuition....I like to think of this as the part of me that is tuned in to my spiritual being. I have always had a spiritual side within myself, although I would argue with this person. My disease would justify reasons for doubting that inner voice that was telling me that the things I was doing were 'okay'. I hit the 'mute' button all the time during my active addiction. My disease wanted me in the dark, as it feeds off the darkness. I am so thankful today that I no longer have to believe those lies anymore. Fear and doubt kept the beautiful side of me veiled in the darkness. Living clean, not just being clean, has brought me freedom and clarity...... "Any addict can lose the desire to use drugs and find a new way to live!"........But we have to be willing!
6/10/2014
1 John 4:7
7 Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born [1] of God, and knoweth God.
6/10/2014
Yesterday, my self-centered disease was getting the best of me.
Because I can still be 'sick' even though I am 'clean'.
Thankfully, I have a place that I know I can go.
where other people understand what I am going through.
Today I have great people in my life that actually care.
I no longer have to use drugs....I don't have to be scared.
For 'fear' I am told, Is but a 'lack of faith'
So just for today, I must 'be still' and wait.
-sjt 6/10/2014
6/8/2014
Today was an awesome day! Began my day by walking 2 1/4 miles, then officially became members at our church! (Was my husbands idea....another miracle!) After church, I went to the noon meeting, was so full of messages I needed to hear!......Then spent an amazing 2 hours with my oldest boy! ........yes, there is more!.....polished off the day with an even better... evening meeting. I have been so full of gratitude all day! Thank You God, for a multitude of reasons to SMILE!
6/7/2014
Every morning I get up and go walking with my dog. He is my little side kick, he keeps me going. This morning I set my goal to walk 2 miles, as each day I push myself to do better than the day before. When the 2 mile marker was nearly met, I noticed that my dog was exhausted. So I dropped him at the house and continued on the finish the task. I was thinking whew, now I don't have to be bothered, and I will knock this out quick! Truth is, without him trotting along beside me, I found walking the last stretch rather challenging. That just blows my mind. I so often get annoyed when he tries to venture off course to chase a small animal or something. Yet being alone wasn't that much fun either. So, moving forward, I think I will try to be more patient with my dog, because I really feel I would be lost without him.
6/6/2014
Today is Friday, and a great day to be clean!
I smile today, because of a God that loves me!
Live for the moment, it's not the destination that counts!
The 'journey' along the way; that's what life's all about!
-sjt 6/6/2014
6/6/2014
Yesterday, at my session with my therapist, she mentioned a quote she had read. "It is not the destination that matters, but rather, the journey along the way". That has been much on my mind. I thought all the way home about this quote she had shared..... My first thought was, "isn't that the truth!" Yet, I was semi-doubtful from a perspective of faith..... is it not 'everlasting life' we seek that is to be most important? I went round and round in my head, as I could see pluses to both ways of looking at it. The journey is way important, and so is eternal life in a paradise world with God! I have this tendency to think too much about a lot. I resolved the worrisome storm in my own head, by asking God what His opinion was....Journey, or destination? Then, I looked up and there.... plain as day..... is a billboard that read...... 'Journey'....(some radio station or something). I smiled and said, "Okay, God, thank You!" Miracles.....all the time!
6/3/2014
Recovery has brought about such an amazing sense of peace. I have learned to 'give myself a break' in matters that are beyond my control. I have learned to slow down, and appreciate what is happening around me. Make no mistake, I do have bad days still, they just are not as often as they used to be. My perspective has changed so much in the past year and a half. While I was still in active addiction, my entire way of thinking had begun to change for the better. I was wanting to be clean terribly bad, and was concerned about things that I had not been so concerned about in the past. Now that I am clean, I am able to take action on those thoughts and concerns, and make a situation that was merely an 'impossible dream', my reality today. That is such a beautiful experience; to be at a place I so longed to be! Thank God for the blessings I have today, and the new life that I have been given. I look forward to sharing this experience with my boys. I am excited to finally be living a life that I really thought I wouldn't see on this earth. I am so very grateful for the storms that I have walked and grew through....and the storms that will continue to bring growth and experience that still lay ahead. From today's perspective, the situation I have found myself having to face, is most definitely a challenge in more ways than one. Yet, nothing is impossible......each hardship is a lesson, so that I may carry the message, and make positive change a possibility for someone else. DAY 144!!!!! :)
6/1/2014
Day 142! Pushing on to day 242......I know I WILL make it! Miracles really do happen, I am living proof of that!
Psalms 77:11
I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
5/31/2014
Each day I am faced with choices, will I be optimistic? Or will I choose a negative tune to play?
Am I gonna flip out about everything? Or is this addict gonna give herself a break?
All too often I choose the first, as it is what I am most familiar with.
But I must remind myself that what I put out there, is what I will also get.
-sjt 5/31/2014
5/30/2014
God has been by my side always, this I know is true.
Without Him in my life, I would not have made it through.
There is still a long way to go, I know I will be okay!
Because of the awesome relationship I have with Him today!
5/29/2014
Today was an intense day! I had a near death experience. Mid morning at work, I was going to go for a walk to get a coffee for my mom and I. I made it about 2 blocks from the building, and was about to cross the street that runs behind our shop. A truck was making a right hand turn, so I hurried up to cross the street. Unbeknownst to me, there would be a jeep flying up through the ditch at me at about 60 mph in about a half a second. I took one step to the left, and the jeep missed me by about a cm. The vehicle barely brushed the backside of my leg. 3 people came running up, certain that I had been hit.......The one girl said: " I cannot believe you are alive, I saw the whole thing!" She said: "It just wasn't your time to go, because I can't explain any logical reason you were not just TOAST!" I stood there in the middle of the road in pure shock and disbelief of what had just transpired. Needless to say, I did go back to work, and took my car to the store......No more walking on that road for me. Thank you, God, for my life!
5/28/2014
As you all know, my favorite number is 42. I can recall when I was 42 days clean, I thought that was such a huge accomplishment! Now I am approaching day 142... I really cannot believe how much has changed. Recovery is such a beautiful process, and I am so grateful for the opportunity to have this second chance to "live". I daydream all the time of the day I am reunited with my boys, clean! Life will truly be complete.
When I first got clean, I can remember how terribly afraid I was.
Now I cannot imagine myself ever using any drug.
Life is good for me today, I thought I would never see this place.
When I was in active addiction, I really thought I would die that way.
For 'hope' is something I had lost long before I quit.
I have no desire to go back, yet I'll forever remember it.
I can't lose sight of the dark place from which I once existed.
Now I stand in the very place I longed for, yet resisted.
So surreal to ponder just how awesome this life can be.
And this is just the beginning.....at 138 days clean!
-sjt 5/28/2014
Thank God for second chances, provided by His grace!
I will walk this path of struggles, with a smile upon my face!
-sjt 5/27/2014
5/27/2014
I was born with a disease, from birth I was an addict.
Yet I do not have to live a life that's full of static.
My disease cannot be cured but it can be arrested.
It is going to take some work, I must remain invested.
When I am faced with struggles,I do not have to 'use'.
Each day I'm in recovery, I have that much more to lose.
I have people I can call, and places I can go.
I am never 'in the clear', yet I know I'm not alone.
-sjt 5/27/2014
H.O.W. I will recover..............
5/26/2014
Sometimes my character defects are just as damaging as any drug.
There are days I feel so trapped inside...and I really need a hug.
Thank God for meetings and step work on rainy days like these.
For I know I have a place to go, a place I can 'get free'.
I am aware of the ups and downs that I am gonna have to face.
I also know that when I'm 'down', the last thing I need is 'space'.
Yet my disease will tell me otherwise, it justifies my thoughts.
It's that insane way of thinking that originally got me lost.
-sjt 5/26/2014
5/25/2014
"Principles before personalities"...there is always a message to be heard!
Yet I must be open to receive, for any 'recovery' to occur.
There will come a day I will cross paths with this person who's on my mind.
For how I will react, who knows, my actions might surprise!
Have I truly come to peace? Am I really able to forgive?
Truthfully, It is not my purpose to give a reason for what they did.
The outcome has been beautiful, as I so often speak aloud.
If I really feel this way, I must surrender this right now.
I cannot really 'get better', if this is so heavy on my mind.
I know I don't have to understand, to be 'at peace' inside.
-sjt 5/25/2014
5/24/2014
As I walk down my path, I gain something more beautiful each day.
I am getting stronger in recovery in so many ways.
With each moment that passes, new revelations do surface.
Keeping me focused on a life filled with purpose.
I am not claiming it has been easy, that just is not so.
Yet I am a fighter, though the process is slow.
Patience has taught me I don't have to hurry.
And I have a God who tells me: "Don't worry".
-sjt 5/24/2014
5/24/2014
A very good friend gave me some of the best advice I do believe I have ever received last night. I found myself in a situation that left me with an uneasy feeling 2 days ago. I shared the details of the situation, and my reasons for feeling fearful. My question to him was, "what am I supposed to be getting from the experience?" "Is there some message for me to be had?".........Or was it just same crazy coincidence? His response blew my mind.... He said: "Maybe it isn't at all about you, but rather, about the other person." .....Wow! Maybe I was simply the messenger this time! I all too often make situations about me, this particular conversation has shed light to a whole new perspective. I will be forever grateful for that moment and the words that were shared. Thank You, God for open-mindedness! And thank You God for wonderful people in my path!
When you are going through hell..... keep going!!
-Winston Churchill
5/23/2014
An old friend stopped by today. First visit since the storm. It is so amazing to me, when you realize how much time was spent being a friend to people who never cared about you at all. This individual was/is a 'good guy', one of the people in my life I have always known to be genuine. I have been trying to track him down lately, but have been unsuccessful. It is truly crazy how that works, EVERY TIME! When you think about someone repeatedly.......one way or another, you will either run into this person, or they find you. At least that has been my own experience. It felt really good to be able to say "We are 133 days clean" when he asked how we have been. No pretending, just simply the truth. Wow what an awesome sense of freedom and serenity.
5/23/2014
Happiness is a choice. Experience is sometimes painful, yet necessary. I cannot identify what being loving and caring is all about, until I experience pain. Pain balances us, and if we are centered in faith.....I know pain has caused me to appreciate the wonderful things that I am blessed with. I have tried hard my entire life to avoid hurt in any way I can. Now I understand how hurting can be one of the most beautiful experiences I could have. Like anything, "this too shall pass", and in the end.......a rainbow!
Even if you fall on your face......You are still moving forward!
5/22/2014
Just for today, I will be focused less on myself and more on what God envisions for me. This is an ongoing struggle for me, especially as a perfectionist who is also an addict. Each day, I have to re surrender any contentions I have managed to prepare for myself. Surrender is something you do not just do once. We forget, or at least I know that I do. I have to remind myself daily of what things I have the ability to control, and what things I do not. 'Control' is one of my many character defects, so surrender has brought such an awesome feeling of freedom. When I give my hurts and worries over to the care of God, It feels as though a ton of unnecessary bricks has been removed from my shoulders. I recommend anybody (addict or not), surrender any heaviness to God, and strive to live 'just for today'. When I do this, everything seems to fall into place, like a fine-tuned machine. Thank you, God for all things possible!
James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
5/21/2014
Prayers today please, we have court for our youngest boy. My husband and I have been working so hard towards a new way to live. Our family has suffered greatly for the choices we have made in our past. We are excited about the changes we see today, we hope others will be open to accept our progress also. Our lives are so very different, and we thank God for our many many blessings!
5/20/2014
Day 130....that's a long time! As always, it is a wonderful day to be clean! We are busy at work, which is awesome! Today is also visitation day with my youngest boy, I cannot wait to hug my little guy...... and we have a baseball game for my oldest! Today is FULL of blessings.....Thank You God, for so many reasons to smile today!
5/19/2014
It is Monday, I am ready to go to work. The weekends are nice, but since my husband is working 7 days a week and my boys aren't here, they tend to get emotional. I have to remind myself when I get down, "just for today".....I have to live one day at a time. And on the weekends, 2 meetings a day seems to do the trick. :) Well, I am off to work, I LOVE my job.
5/18/2014
The past few days my character defects have been alive and well. It has been a struggle, not because I want to use, but because the self centered part of my disease is getting the best of me. I have found myself wanting to isolate, and use food as a source of comfort. It might be partly hormones to blame, lol, but either way it is darn right frustrating! I get frustrated with myself when I over eat, and then I let it fester and eventually tackle. Not this time! I'll put it to you this way...... my dog did A LOT of walking this weekend. I have battled with food addiction my entire life, and in the past I would use meth as a solution. That only made my problems worse! I never realized this in the past. I thought I had it all figured out, "fine tuned" to where it will work. I am thankful today that I am aware of the outcome, and can play that tape all the way through in my mind. When I have a bad day, which yesterday was, I have freedom in knowing I do not have to use. I am so angry at the drug for the hold it had on me, and the things it made me do. I despise that person I became, and I do not care how many chicken enchiladas from my favorite restaurant I devour (yum), I will not turn to the devil for salvation. God is more than aware of my weaknesses, and if I am open to receive His help, I shall be saved! Yesterday in the meeting there was a person who commented on the 'instant gratification' part of addiction that is alive and well for them in different ways. I immediately thought of food and my struggles. I thought to myself, "oh my goodness, that is me!" I needed to hear what this person had to say, because it really did help me to not 'freak out' in my own head. Typically when I over eat, I panic. Which causes me to rush to try to fix it, as if I am going to balloon up instantly, right? That is completely ridiculous, and not at all realistic. Yet I was playing the tape through of me over eating while this person was speaking, and I had a revelation of sorts....... when I panic like that, I am allowing my disease to escalate into a dangerous place of unbalanced reactions. I am so thankful for meetings, it is almost as if it is God's way of speaking to me directly. At the beginning of this post, I was feeling ashamed and defeated......both not realistic.....at this moment, I have an awesome sense of peace. It really is amazing to get such relief from writing my thoughts. Off to church........Thank You God for my many many blessings.....some big some small.....but all absolutely wonderful!
5/17/2014
We have come so far, yet we still have a long way to go.
And where we will end up, only God can 'know'.
We are still here working so very hard.
To rebuild our lives, and mend the many scars.
I will continue to have 'hope', I will not 'be afraid'.
I know without a doubt, God has a plan in place.
-sjt5/17/2014
We work hard with our hands. When we are cursed, we bless. When we are persecuted, we endure it.
-1 Corinthians 4:12
5/16/2014
Day 126! We have been really busy at work. I love being exhausted when I get home each day! Such a wonderful feeling of accomplishment. I have not written out here in several days, by the time I get home, I haven't felt like doing a whole lot of anything. I try to get rested so I can perform at work. Thank You, God for this big order we are working on! And thank You for the hard workers You have sent our way, so we are able to make it all happen!
I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun. -Ecclesiastes 2:10-11
I miss my boys so much, it hurts in places I didn't know could hurt. There is no feeling in the world that I've ever felt comparable this.
I have always been 'strong' and very independent my whole life. Yet I am weak and quite the opposite with the longing for my kids.
This has been an awakening, beyond any words fit to explain. I have acceptance of a situation that is totally out of "my" reach.
I am willing to do whatever I am expected, I am open to any task. For losing them has in every sense, brought me to my knees.
I have come to realize along my path that this was truly the only way. For God knew, He knew the only thing that would get my attention, was the way it went.
I have a purpose in this world, without my own awareness, I was entirely off track. Today I understand, He simply was not finished with me yet.
-sjt 5/13/2014
Remember, O Lord, Your tender mercies and Your loving kindnesses,For they are from of old. 7 Do not remember the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions; According to Your mercy remember me, For Your goodness’ sake, O Lord. -Psalm 25:6-7
5/12/2014
Judgement day has arrived! Tomorrow morning at 9 am, please keep the positive energy flowing for myself and my husband! Thank you for all the prayers and support on our behalf! Making great strides toward life in the light, all because of a Loving God working through loving people! :)
21 My son, do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight,
preserve sound judgment and discretion;
22 they will be life for you,
an ornament to grace your neck.
23 Then you will go on your way in safety,
and your foot will not stumble
-Proverbs 3:21-23
5/11/2014
I will have to admit, I never expected to have a happy day today. Yet so many miracles where God was telling me "it's okay". This morning the sermon at church was amazing, as well as the music. There were hidden messages for me to hear throughout the entire service. After church, I had a voice mail from my oldest boy, It was short and sweet and made my day that much brighter to hear his voice. Then we went with my mom for lunch, and had a really nice conversation and wonderful food. Yesterday, I had rented some movies that I never got a chance to watch. It irritates me when I do that, so I made a mental note that I would use them as a distraction for mothers day afternoon. I really had no idea what the one movie was about, when I rented it at the kiosk i only paid attention to two details.....One that it was a true story, and two that it was a new release. Today I realize that I wasn't meant to have watched it yesterday....God wanted me to see that movie today! It was about a young mother who had been in and out of foster facilities her whole life and now she is pregnant at 16.....homeless, trust issues, and nobody. It is the story of her rebirth into the light. I will forever be affected by her story. I could identify with facing struggle and not taking the easy road. Also with the birth of her spiritual existence, and finding good people that really care. All of these things have been a vital part of my recovery also, and have brought about all the good that happens to find its way to me. I am so grateful for my many many blessings, and the strength and courage that I need to get through my situation. God really is so wonderful!
5/11/2014
Today is mother's day. Man, it is a tough one too. I won't get to see either of my boys today, but I understand that is because of my bad choices. I choose not to participate in a 'pity pot'. I choose to smile because I know without a doubt, that I have two amazing boys, and I am so proud to be called their mother. Even though, I am not with them, the fact that I am their mother cannot be taken away from me. This day can be celebrated any day of the year. Special recognition shouldn't be limited to any one single day, and can be received in many forms and fashions. Because of my choices, I have had to experience many hurts along the way as a mother especially. Today I am clean, I do wish I could celebrate that with them ALL days, and I will....just not today. .....Just for today, I will be grateful.... for I am blessed to be called 'Mom' to two amazing boys!
5/10/2014
My disease has taken a lot away from me,
yet nothing can take these 4 months clean.
I suffer from addiction, from which there is no cure.
but I can recover, that's for sure!
In fact that is up to me to decide,
how long I choose to make it mine.
What a sense of freedom there is in that.
To no longer feel like I'm under attack.
-sjt 5/10/2014
This week I began step 1 of the 12-step process. There are a lot of questions that I have to answer, and I found myself getting irritated with things that were going on around me. This morning I have spent some time just meditating on why my defects that are surfacing as I work this step. My conclusion is that I have always had a tendency to try to do everything at once. 90 miles an hour, all the time. That is the 'norm' for me, well that is what I am comfortable with, or am I? Apparently I am not okay with that, or I would not be letting things that are going on around me be an irritation. I have noticed that when I have something I am wanting to accomplish, and I know it is going to take some time, I want to work on it ALL the time. This way of thinking/doing has gotten me into trouble in the first place. The root of all my irritations is this simple fact. In a round about way, my want to "get everything done" is unrealistic. Coming to know this, and being a person of logic, I can turn it over to the Lord. ..... Wow, just typing those last few sentences, has brought me such a sense of freedom. That is mind baffling how that works!
5/9/2014
5/8/2014
Today is a rainy day! I have always loved the rain! It is so peaceful and calming. I have been thinking about a dear friend this morning, as she is in court, actually, she is there right now. She is going through some pretty heavy stuff.......She is a beautiful person! My positive thoughts and prayers are with her today as she faces what lay ahead. May she forever stay on her beautiful path! ....... it is NOT what you have done in your past that matters......It is what you are doing with what you have learned! Enjoy the blessings today has to offer, appreciate every graceful moment!
5/7/2014
Yesterday I had the visit with my little boy, It is so awesome to feel a sense of 'complete', even if it is for 2 hours a week. I miss the daylights outta that little super hero. He is such an awesome boy. Both my boys are truly fantastic in ways so wonderful and unique to each. God has blessed me with strong, handsome, well mannered sons. I am so very grateful to have been chosen to be their mother! When we were on our way home yesterday from the visit, I had a permanent smile on my face. I was smiling for several reasons....first, the visit was really nice. Abundant in smiles, which I love. Both grandmas were there, and we all had such a great time. Also, I am so impressed with how many words/names he can spell, and his familiarity with letters (both upper and lowercase). Most of all, I am so blown away at his positive attitude through this ordeal. His willingness and adaptive nature with which he has had to pull from often. Life has been ever changing for this 5 year old child in the last 4 months especially. The fact that, though he has many fears, he manages to face those fears, and at such a young age. It is truly phenomenal, as I don't know a whole lot of adults that have that ability. He is a little soldier! A soldier of the Lord! Thank you, God, for blessing and entrusting me with these two AMAZING little souls!
5/7/2014
Another day on 'Clean Street'! ....Sweet 117!
So surreal....it just has to be a dream.
Freedom from being a prisoner within myself!
I am excited about this life, yet l will never forget how bad I felt.
Where I came from matters too, my recovery depends on that.
I cannot appreciate the 'good', without remembering the 'bad'.
A new way to live standing right before my eyes!
And I gratefully accept this new reality that is mine!
-sjt 5/7/2014
The end of a matter is better than it's beginning; patience of spirit is better than haughtiness in spirit.
-Ecclesiastes 7:8
I keep hearing good news from all my new friends, congratulations on the positive working in your lives!
It makes me smile to think how far we have all come...and we've done more than just survive!
We have been through some struggles, yet we managed to land on our feet.
All because of fellowship, keeping a positive mindset, and staying clean!
I have witnessed God's many miracles during these times that were so tough.
I am so thankful for the wonderful people, that wouldn't dare let me give up.
-sjt 5/5/2014
Thanks yall!
5/4/2014
So I am almost 65 days away from my blue key tag..... That is my next 'clean time goal'. If I set mini milestones, I give myself little break points, and I just take things one day at a time......I am able to stay focused and positive in my recovery. My journey has brought about so many GOOD GOOD things. New experiences, new people, and noticeable progress in all different areas of my life! When my kids and I can be reunited, It is going to be such a truly beautiful day! I look forward to rebuilding our family, we had a strong bond before, but now it will be even better. There will be no dark secrets, I won't have unnecessary distractions due to my addiction. It feels good to know that I am living life based on faith and truth. Today, I am more patient, and happy. All such good stuff, and all thanks to a loving Higher Power. Thank you God, for having a grander plan for me!
5/3/2014
Gods plan...is predetermined....it is laid out perfectly...and in due time.
When we try to alter things to suit our needs....He then has to redesign.
I have learned that I must be patient, for God's plan to fall in place.
His will is like a fine- tuned orchestra, it is not a Nascar race!
Just for today, I will live in the moment, I will sit back and try to wait.
When the time is right, it will happen, God is never late.
Today is a wonderful day to be clean. I am proud to say it's day 113!
I am devoting this 113th day clean to my nephew, in heaven. He played baseball, and he was always number 13. There are several earthly people In heaven, that I would never have wanted to disappoint.....He was one of them. Though he was only on this earth for 14 short years, he touched the hearts of so many people. He had a deepness to him, he possessed an ability to be a beautiful person ALL THE TIME! He could walk into the room and the whole place would light up with smiles! He was 'wise beyond his years' from day 1, and he was always the person that someday I would love to become......Spiritually 'in tune', and he probably did not even realize that he was. It just amazes me to think that for someone so young, he really did 'get it'! I am 33 today, and I am not at all ashamed to say: "My 14 year old nephew was one of the most inspiring people in my life!" So in the words of him......."Stay Beautiful"....... is what I intend to do!
5/2/2014
Okay, so I am starting to notice a pattern here.....It's Friday night, I just got home from my son's ballgame, and I am so insanely emotional......I mean I am a mess! So I ask.....Self! What is it about Friday nights? Lol Used to be that Fridays were when my boys and I would goof off. My oldest would have his best friend here usually, and my husband works nights, so the kiddos and I would be here. I miss that.......ALOT! I must accept the "new norm" though. The situation 'as is' will be for awhile. Knowing that, I must focus on the miracles...(that, and buy more kleenex :) )....Tonight, I sat on the bench watching my son and his friends in the dugout. They were being little men, it made me so proud. My son has changed a lot since he has been staying with his dad. He has grown up a lot, being around his dad has been a really awesome thing for him. I see how important and necessary that was for my son, being in his teens now. His dad coaches his team, I see the two of them on the ball field, and I cannot help but smile at that. .........but......MAN I MISS THAT KID!
Who is an addict?.....
Who is an addict? I am learning I am.
I have a disease...yet recover? I can!
Unfortunately there is not any cure.
It can, however, be arrested for sure!
Recovery is possible, but I first must admit...
that once I use drugs there's no way to resist!
Yet, Life can be better than it was before.
And I do not have to use drugs anymore!
What an awesome reality I can create.
Through a fellowship of others with whom I relate!
-sjt 5/1/2014
4/30/2014
My journey to recovery began on 1/10 of this year. Ironically, today was my 110th day on my path CLEAN! Wow! It is so true, God can do for us, what we find impossible to do for ourselves. Believe me, had someone told me I could have done this 111 days ago, I would have NEVER agreed.......Yet, here we are....."Living the dream, and living it clean". To day 110, and many many more to come!
4/30/2014
Today I got word that there is a young mother of 2, who is my age, undergoing heart surgery. I just cannot even imagine having to face a situation of that magnitude. My thoughts are with her today, I pray that all goes awesome, and she is able to return to her home with her family. I pray that she lives a long, healthy, happy life after the surgery. It really makes me feel like a jerk for thinking my own situation is that serious. How truly blessed I really am! I thank God for all the miracles that He has provided for me, may He do the same for this young girl and her family.
4/29/2014
God truly does allow only what we can 'handle'. He knows our capabilities better than we ourselves do. It is mind blowing at times, when I pause to examine whatever challenge(s) I might be facing today. When I really put forth the effort, things always seem to work themselves out. One way or another, we can find the ways and means necessary to tackle life on life's terms. I often am surprised at what I am able to 'deal' with. Today life is tough, I carry a ton of weight around on a typical day...... it seems to have become the 'new norm'. Yet, I have better tools to tackle whatever comes my way. I rarely panic, as my 'old self' would definitely have. I have come to realize that I am not 'in control', nor do I have that desire to be 'in control' anymore. I have learned that I was fighting a battle with myself that was impossible to win. It is not all about me! And today, I am OKAY with that. And that folks, is my 'NEW NORM'! ........ "Keep calm, and drill on!" :)
To a Power Greater than I!..... I continue to reach for the sky!...... For I know my day is not through......If I have not lived it for You!
-sjt4/29/2014
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. -Ephesians 3:20-21
4/28/2014
Ever feel like your guardian angel paved your way all day?
Well that was positively my experience In every way.
Mini miracles all around me, like a bubble, a protective shield.
Little positive reinforcements of a God that is so real!
Re energizing me periodically throughout my day.
So that I could accomplish every commitment that I'd made.
A plethora of meaningful reminders that I am living in the light.
Reassuring me of what is pleasing to Him, reassurance of what is right.
-sjt 4/28/2014
4/28/2014
This time away from my boys has made me realize so much!
The little things I recall, get me through the times that are so tough.
Family is to be cherished, make each and every moment count.
Find the beauty in everything, and love all that it's about.
For each new day is a God given gift, to accept with all its glory.
They are pieces of a great design, they are pages of 'our story'.
Life on earth goes by so fast, do not be foolish with your time.
Learn from your mistakes; as I have learned from mine.
-sjt 4/28/2014
4/27/2014
Today was such a fantastic day! Church sermon was awesome, the message was empowering. I could identify with so much of what was said. After church, I went to a 12 step meeting, which was full of things I needed to hear as well..... All such GOOD GOOD stuff! After the meeting, my husband and I went to see the Blue Angels fly! I do believe I wore a smile on my face all day long. I felt the power of the light in the form of mini miracles working through the loving people in my life ALL day long! It feels so wonderful to be a part of a life full of meaning rather than a life of darkness. The only thing I really have to be down about at all is the void in my heart because I cannot share my life with my children yet. In due time, I know it will happen, but that does not take the pain away. I know that some pain is a good thing........life is full of hurts, and it is important right now for me to begin to bring about balance and acceptance into our lives. Today, I know that I am okay, I can handle whatever I am faced with. I don't have to mask the way I am feeling. It is okay to cry, and it is okay for others to see me cry. It does not make me weak, it makes me beautiful. Who the heck cares if somebody else judges me, or tries to take advantage of my weaknesses! The fact of the matter is, that I am true to myself, that I am true at heart. We all share the similar feelings at some point in our lives. This is why we are here. If I spend my whole life running from the very reason that I was created, what would be the purpose? Showing emotion of any kind, has always been difficult thing for me my entire life. For whatever reason, I felt like I was relinquishing 'power' or something. Truth is, I was never 'powerful' to begin with. The things I have/had in life (the tangible stuff), that was never mine to begin with. My children, they are not mine either. What I mean by that is, it all belongs to God, the only thing at all that IS MINE...... is my faith, and the choices I make. The things I have, God put them into my life, He entrusted them to me. I was lost, I did not protect the blessings in my life, I took them for granted. This situation, though terribly tragic, is actually a beautiful thing. I envision in my mind, the day my family is reunited. I catch myself daydreaming, smiling, crying (happy tears)...... This experience has brought about such dramatic change! Yea, some of it makes me sick to my stomach (the way it came about). It makes me feel so ashamed, yet it happened.......there is no changing any of it from that aspect. However, the choices I make from here........is what WILL matter! A good friend tells/told me often: "Girl, you truly are, a diamond in the rough"......I have always thought to myself...."why? If you only knew how awful I am!" This person saw the beauty in my life, even in the dark! Today, I smile when I think about that statement I kept hearing over and over. Today, I feel like I can truly 'own' that! Today I believe it. Today I have the power of the Lord Jesus Christ in my life! I am excited about this dramatic life transformation! I accept each new day, as a gift from my Maker. I know He has big plans for me, and today, I am open to receive His instruction. Today I choose to let God's light into my life! It blows my mind to think about how special I am, that He rescued me from the darkness! I know I say this a lot in my journal, but God, thank You for a second chance, thank You for new beginnings!
4/26/2014
It is so amazing what a good nights rest can do for you. Last night I went to my son's ballgame, I came home so terribly sad. I was missing my boys soooooo much, this is a terribly difficult situation for me. The team did very well, I am so proud of my son. I wanted to be able to talk about the game on our way home, I wanted to laugh and goof off like we used to do. My son is one of the coolest people in this world. There are so many things I miss about him. I miss that he could always get me to laugh, even if I was super mad, and I thought I couldn't possibly laugh again. When I told him goodbye after the game last night, I was fighting back tears, I had been holding back throughout the entire game. I try to remind myself of the beauty of the situation from his point of view. How he has re connected with his dad, step mom, and little brother and sister. They couldn't be more wonderful people! Usually, that would allow me to regain some balance in my thoughts, so that I am not a basket case of emotions. Unfortunately, last night I couldn't 'maintain' a positive frame of mind by doing that......It was like I was on 'overload' or something. Like I had 'stuffed' it one time too many, and there was no way of escaping my feelings. I told myself: "Good gravy, just go in the bathroom and have a good cry." "Self, get it together! You can't spend your 5 seconds after the game, crying on your sons shoulder! Ya better get it out, BEFORE you go talk to him." I thought long and hard about what I could say to him, in the least amount of words, that would let him know how I missed the daylights outta him......Some magic words, that would not allow me to cry. Needless to say, I didn't 'lose it', but I did cry. I was so embarrassed for him. Here we are, I rarely see him, and his mother is bawling. Oh well, at least I made it to the car before the flood gates were entirely opened! LOL (boy, was I ever a mess!) I apologize for whomever I may have affected with the poem I wrote last night, whenever I am hopeless, I find so much resolve in 'writing'. Thank you God, for another day clean! And a very special Happy Birthday Papa! I don't know if you can read my site from Heaven.......But, I would like to think you can! :)
There are no words in this world that could begin to explain...
The void in my heart, oh the gut wrenching pain.
There is no loss on this earth that could come close to compare.
The feeling you get when your kids are not there.
When you drive to the house where you once had it all.
Now alone, drenched in tears, and you know it's your fault.
There is no drug in the land that is worth all of this.
Oh I long for the day that I am home with my kids.
How could I have been so darn lost to allow this to be.
I thank God for this chance to stand strong and live clean.
My boys deserve better than the person I'd been.
I focus on the rainbow that's waiting ahead.
I will keep pushing forward, I am worthy of this.
I will not break the promise I made to my kids.
The love I have for my boys keeps me set on my way.
So that I can stay focused on days like today.
-sjt 4/25/2014
Day 105 and we are still alive!!! :)
A smile is worth 1000 words, it can make a person's day.
It can affect a wounded heart in the most amazing way.
Smile today, all day long, you will see just what I mean.
Smiling is contagious, and It does not cost a thing.
-sjt 4/25/2014
4/25/2014
God speaks to us in a whisper, He will not yell over your stereo or tv. For some of us, He speaks through our hearts, but we have to silence the noise. I cannot stress enough, the importance of quieting yourself in order to hear what God is asking of us. This will not be so easy for me, as I am seldom quiet or sitting idle. Yet, I am eager awaiting His instruction, so I am willing to do whatever is necessary. God hears all prayers, even the ones where no words are spoken. These types of prayers are often most effective, as our thoughts can sometimes get in the way of our words. This of course, is my point of view on the subject, and it is ultimately whatever works for you.....Each of us has our own uniqueness, God knows this, and He gets our attention by using that knowledge. For example: Moses....and the burning bush....He knew that speaking through a burning bush, was going to get the attention of Moses. My point here is, God is not going to speak to everyone in the same manner. God is going to tailor however means necessary to get our attention. Those of us who have children, each child is different in their own ways, therefore we cannot treat them all the same. We are God's children.....all beautiful in our own ways......Be open to hear His instruction, He will speak to you, if you believe!
4/24/2014
Today my husband and I have been married 3 years, we have been together since 2005, but we only decided to make it official 3 years ago. We figured we had made it 6 years without killing each other, why not make it forever, right? Lol We have been through so much, and as cats do, we always seem to land on our feet. We are exact polar opposites in every sense of the words, I think that is one of the reasons we have made it this far.
Today is also day 104 in our recovery. Through this ordeal, we have been working really hard to turn our lives around. We are always on the go, always under pressure to be someplace. (work, treatment, meetings, attorneys, probation, parenting classes) Not to mention, he works nights and I work days..... you see the picture here? So often I have been told, "Wow, how do you manage to get along so well? Being so under fire ALL THE TIME!?" ..... Gosh, my only response is: Why be fighting on top of everything else? That would only make the situation worse. Besides, we really don't have any time to fit a fight in. Our parenting class instructor said last night that we need to "pick our battles". I heard that statement loud and clear. That is something that I should have been doing long ago. You see, my husband is quiet and passive. He has always been labeled 'easy going'. A 'go-with-the-flow' kind of guy. Now me on the other hand? Lol! I am the one that wants resolve.....NOW! Or more accurately, YESTERDAY. This situation has forced us to examine ourselves and focus on strengthening our weakness' as individuals. It has been the most humbling experience of my entire life. I have discovered so much about myself......where I am weak and where I am strong. I can only speak for myself from this approach, but from where I stand and what I see of my husband, he has changed so drastically for the better. I cannot help but smile when I think of him! Each day has its new challenges and miracles. And no matter what, we are a team.....through thick and thin.....class or no class. We see the end result, and It will be worth all the effort! This pressure is only temporary.....'this too shall pass'. We know that when the heaviness is lifted from our lives, a rainbow is going to appear. I cannot stress the importance of 'pause' and 'reflect', and in the back of my mind.....my instructor's words: "saying less is more". That statement is so very true. I could elaborate all day long about this, but 'cause and effect' tells me, doing that won't pay the bills. So I have to try to cram all my words of wisdom into my 30 minute lunch break. Believe me, that is no easy task! I am still not yet 100% sure if that is good or bad, by the way! (less is more, remember) ..... And even at the center of all the chaos that life distributes on a daily basis, I myself, at times forget to let the light through. Focus on that light, because there is a light in every situation........ If we simply open our eyes and our minds to receive it in. When you are in a relationship, it is so important to allow yourself to internalize the light..... then radiate and reflect that light off each other, the end result will always be same....something BEAUTIFUL! So smile today at someone you love, and let your light shine!
4/23/2014
What recovery means to me on this miraculous day 103...
Just for today, I am focused on the cross, I leave what is heavy on my heart.
I do not worry about tomorrow, I will finish tasks I start.
Just for today, I will lend a hand to someone in need, or a smile to someone down.
I will light the room, I refuse to carry a frown.
Just for today, I will say thank you to those who have helped me get to this day.
I will be positive, I will compliment others, I will be awesome in every way!
-sjt 4/23/2014
4/23/2014
Moses said to the people, "Do not be afraid, for God has come in order to test you, and in order that the fear of Him may remain with you, so that you may not sin." -Exodus 20:20
Happy Street...... Sounds like fantastic place to me!
4/22/2014
I set my mind and keep it set on what is above, not on the things that are on earth.-Colossians 3:2
It is important for me to remind myself of this daily. My own self has a tendency to revert inward, and begin to pull myself into a pity party. I can find a plethora of things to complain about, if I allow myself to begin down that path. Because I know this about myself, I am able to counter act those negative personality traits. A gentle reminder to myself by means of daily affirmations, is such a simple yet wonderful way to pull me back in to a place of harmony and balance. Life is not happening on the inside, nor is it all about me. There is something much larger than any of us that awaits our attention. God created us to LOVE each other and LOVE Him! Just for today, I will focus on God and God's people, and help whomever I can! Happy DAY 102!
Thank You, Lord for another day clean! :)
Character Defects!
Life can be running smooth and I will be feeling great!
Then my good old 'character defects' resurface, and slap me in the face.
Wham! Out of nowhere sometimes, i'll admit it keeps me on my toes..
just enough of a reminder: life has BOTH highs and lows.
When I am faced with myself I have learned to deal quite nicely...
with the bittersweet reminders that "it is not all about me!"
Funny how we are such selfish people without a gosh darned clue!
I cannot help but laugh hysterically at some of the things I do!
-sjt 4/21/2014
4/21/2014
Yesterday was Easter Sunday, and also 100 days clean! What a day full of miracles! The day was was really nice. My husband, my mom and I went to church with my ex husband and his family. His wife is such a beautiful person, I am growing to love her more and more. The congregation was small, and the service was very moving. My oldest boy sat next to me, he is such a sweetheart! He really is growing up to be a fantastic young man. I couldn't be more proud of him. Despite being on an emotional roller coaster, the day was one of the best days I can remember in a long time. The term "less is better" came to mind a lot. I am usually going about a hundred miles an hour on a 'typical day', but I can honestly say I was able to 'live in the moment' for once. It was really nice, and I am so thankful for the many blessings of the day. On the ride back to the house, I noticed the peaceful and tranquil atmosphere that seemed to follow me throughout the day...... such a nice change of pace! :) Hope everyone out there that is reading this was able to enjoy the day as well!
4/19/2014
Today I am missing my boys more than ever. It is a beautiful day outside, and I think of all the fun things we could be doing. It is really tough for me on days like these. I have spent a lot of my day thinking about how we ended up here. I am disappointed in my choices, sorry for the pain that has resulted from those choices, but we have come so far in the last 99 days. I choose today to focus on that distance instead of how far we have to go. I look forward to meetings when I am feeling like this. I have been sick with the flu all week, and I am sure that has something to do with my frame of mind. It's kinda funny, being sick with a fever (like actually sick sick) is eerily similar to the sickness I felt in my last days before the storm. I have been feeling alone, weak, desperate..... much the same as I did then. However It feels awesome to know that I won't be trapped for who knows how long. Kinda makes one wonder.......why on God's green earth would anyone choose to feel that way on purpose?! So that being said, and me being the miracle seeker that I am...... I consider this week of feeling like total crap, a reminder of where I could still be, yet am not. I have covered a lot of ground the last 99 days, and for all that I have accomplished (without any mind or mood altering substance), I am so freaking proud. I can honestly say, I will not at all miss the flu, that part I could have lived without. But I can appreciate the reminder of the dark side, and I confidently say this at a comfortable 98.6! And to anybody out there that I may have contaminated, I AM SO SORRY. I really am! ............ as for next year, I am thinking.....flu shot! :)
To my Mighty Leo..... and my Courageous Capricorn! May you forever remember the Cross!
4/16/2014
To starry skies and butterflies! You know who you are!
Such a gentle yet powerful reminder that I've come this far!
When I have those days when hope is lost,
I am forced to look upon the cross.
I will forever remember the promise to me...
Where the two paths cross...together we'll be.
-sjt 4/16/2014
4/16/2014
Last night was my last night at treatment. When I was handed my certificate, I began to cry. This group of girls has been my family for the last 3 months. During a period of time I consider to be the most emotional time in my life, this group got me through it. Because of the support and compassion and tools I had available to me in those rooms, I was able to walk through this dark part of my life, without the use of drugs. As my counselor handed me my certificate, I looked around at several of the 'newcomers' in the room. They were also crying, and it caused me to reflect back on my first days of the program. I knew why they were crying, I understood why they were hurting so. All I could muster myself to say was: "Today I look around and see you girls crying and I understand why. I feel your pain, and you will pull through it. The girls in these rooms will be able to help you, if you will just open your mind to it. I was crying for the same reasons when I got here, and now I am crying because I don't want to leave." During these last 3 months of my life, I grew to love them. I will not ever be the same because of them. Last night I prayed for all those girls that were crying because they were hurting. I know the place they are at, and my heart hurts so much for them. I hope and wish that they will open their hearts to the Lord and the wonderful shepherds he has sent to hold their hand. Those girls are a Godsend, I realize this today. Even where there is the deepest of darkness, a miracle can be found, yet you have to open your heart to let the light be seen. The best days are yet to come, move forward and cherish every moment on this earth! The days pass so fast, love and appreciate the beauty all along the way!
It is Finished
TODAY’S SCRIPTURE“I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”(Philippians 1:6, NLT)
TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria
It’s interesting that the last thing Jesus said on the cross was “it is finished.” It certainly looked like the end. It looked like it was over. But I believe that wasn’t just a statement of fact; it was a statement of faith. He was saying to His Father, “I’ve done My part. I’ve fulfilled My destiny. Now I’ve got total trust and confidence in You that You are going to finish what You started.” Even though it looked like the end, in reality, it was only the beginning.
Remember this when things look dark in your own life, when things aren’t going your way. Dare to make that declaration of faith just like Jesus. “It is finished.” What you’re really saying is, “God, I know You are going to turn this situation around. I know You are going to heal my body. I know You are going to restore my family. I know You are going to give me the breaks that I need.” Don’t go around complaining. Speak victory over your circumstances. Trust that He is faithful and He will finish what He’s started in you!
4/15/2014
When I was in active addiction, my world was unbalanced, It was a completely self-centered life.
My disease caused me to put my drug of choice first and foremost in my mind.
It was a life of misery, a slow death of my spirituality, a desolate place indeed.
Evolving to a place of self pity and isolation, yet with an intense desire to be free.
I have never been to prison, yet I felt so trapped inside myself.
I had arrived at a place of desperation, but too proud to ask for help.
Now I speak to you from the other side, I am 95 days clean.
Unless you have experienced where I have been, I cannot truly tell you what that means.
For there are words that could ever accurately explain the road that lead me here.
Yet I do know without a doubt, it is a road i'll forever fear.
-sjt 4/15/2014
4/15/2014
Today I graduate 90-day out patient treatment! I feel very blessed to have been able to be a part of that program. It truly was one of the best things I could have done for myself. I have never been through any treatment or gone to any meetings in the past. I always thought that I was "better than all that"...... I realize today, that those people are just like me, in a lot of ways! I met some really awesome folks, who helped me so much, and I am so very thankful. When I was filling out my discharge papers yesterday, the lady asked me if I was going to miss coming up there..... And If I felt like the program was a good experience. "Heck yeah!" I said. "Those people have become like family". I am not sure I can name the program on this site, but I will find out , because I highly recommend it to anyone who suffers from the disease of addiction.
4/14/14
My kiddos weigh heavy on my mind, I miss the complaining about what I cooked for dinner.
I miss all the messy rooms and the fighting over chores or the "i'm boreds" during the long winter.
It is so crazy how we can get so caught up in all the stuff that's not that big of a deal.
How those things cloud our thinking and cause us to focus less on what is real.
God I would give anything to be an 'embarrassment' just one more time at school.
How I long for one more day to be the mom that is "no longer cool".
This past 94 days has been a humbling experience, an awakening of sorts.
It has caused me to reflect on how far I was 'off course'.
The last night I was with my boys in our home, I made a pinky promise to them both.
I promised that when were reunited, I would be a better mom than they've ever known.
I will not give up, those boys mean the world to me.
Mommy is working really hard, and waiting patiently.
This process will be something beautiful and grand.
Father thank You once again for this amazing 2nd chance!
-sjt 4/14/14
Proud Leo/Capricorn mother!
When we plant a garden, we will not have vegetables, unless we take care of it. Well recovery is much the same...We can have 'clean time' without being 'in recovery'. In order to be 'in recovery', we have to work at it. We have to get involved....feed it ......water it......give it sunlight. (just like a garden) In the past, I stayed clean at times for a year or better. Each stretch of clean time, always ended up the same though. ..... relapse. So this time, I am really working at finding something that 'works'. If there is anything I do know, it is what 'does not work'. Today I am getting involved with my recovery. I have spent much of the last 93 days thinking about and eliminating those ways of the past that I know "did not work". I have been taking a personal inventory of my past, and "cleaning house" so to speak. I have asked my God to take the wheel in my life and show me a better way to live...... because when I was "in control", I was making decisions that were not the best for me. I was letting my disease control my life. I realize today, that was all wrong to begin with.....that OCD way of thinking was off from the get go. I was never meant to be in control ever, God was. Now that I realize this, I am able to take a back seat and let Him be my driving force. Since I have made that single change in my life, great things have been happening, and there is a new found sense of balance in my life. Not only that, but when I surrender my life and all it's circumstances to God, I realize I have no more worries. I can accept "life on life's terms".....For me, this has been an awesome discovery. Participating in a 12 step program has been the most empowering decision I have ever made. I highly recommend this way of life to anyone. With Him, all things are possible.......truly!
4/12/2014
"Go with the flow".....this is something I have always had trouble with.
By personality, I am a worrier...a survivor by instinct.
These days I am making a lot of changes....making time to pause.
Tailoring my new life "for purpose" ... thus repairing the damage my 'old ways' caused.
One day at a time, living 'in the moment', rather than fear of whats down the road.
Each day I take time to appreciate each moment....and 'go with the flow'!
-sjt 4/12/2014
4/11/2014
Some days are more difficult than others on my journey in the right direction. I have to face all types of offensive situations. Yet, that does not mean I have to handle them defensively. This journey has taught me patience and respect and the importance of faith. Each day is full of totally new miracles and unsettling surprises. (pluses and minuses). Some days, more than others I feel as though I am being attacked for my choices. I feel like there are a lot of times I get thrown in the box with the others. I also am aware of the 2% chance of 'making it'. My drug of choice has a history of repeat participants......... That statistic can be alarming for many.....and for many.....a justification for use. I have intersected with the 98%/2% success- rate- statement on numerous occasions.......what it boils down to is 'sink? or swim'? Those statistic statements are more helpful than I realize. I am actual so thankful for each time I am faced with another discussion of that nature... It drives me more passionately into my recovery .....I am stubborn and strong willed..... and after all........somebody has to be the 2%! I will not give up!
4/10/2014
Today is day 90, I can hardly believe. Today is day 90....
90 days clean!
The Butterfly...
For my birthday this year, my 5 year old gave me a butterfly. One of those kind that sticks to the window when you throw it. I was so moved by the symbolism of the 'butterfly'..... It is said that the butterfly symbolizes transcendence and new life. It represents "new life"......as the caterpillar changes in the cocoon into a beautiful butterfly. It is also said to represent 'freedom' due to positive change and spiritual growth......I could not have received a more meaningful birthday gift. I will forever cherish my sticky butterfly!
4/10/2014
I miss my boys so much. They are my little shining stars! I am aware of my mistakes, but I am also aware of the many things I have done well. One of my wonderful characteristics......I am a wonderful mother. ...... and my husband.....a wonderful father. For that we have our Lord to thank, for bringing us into this world as children of our parents'. God blessed us with AWESOME sets of role models......which helps tremendously today, as we are on our road to recovery. We were both brought into this world by way of spiritually spectacular beings, and those vital principles were instilled in us from birth. We all stray off course, life is full of that! What is truly vital in regaining our focus however, is that solid faith based foundation our parents instilled in us from little on. A life built without faith.....is vulnerable and weak......with Him, ALL things are possible! A very special Thank You to our Parents for laying the groundwork that has allowed us a second chance to live an eternal life with God!
4/9/2014
I am reading the book: '90 Minutes in Heaven', last night i read a section of the book that discussed enduring major change and healthy ways to approach crisis or tragedy. The author was mangled beyond human belief, and went through a terribly long recovery. The end result, left him handicapped, and unable to do a lot of the things he can remember doing and enjoying. He spent a long time in a depressed state, dwelling on those things he would NEVER be able to do again. In result of all the focusing on his limitations, he spent very little time appreciating the many miracles that lay ahead. He talked about a story of a blind person he had heard of in his recovery that was having similar feelings of hopelessness. The newly blind person was instructed to write down as many things he could think of that he could still do, and in result, was able to change his entire way of thinking. He had a new found appreciation for all the positives that still existed. This experience made that author realize that no amount of missing the old life, would bring that healthy, able body back. In order to truly recover, he would have to end that chapter and focus on the good stuff waiting on the new road ahead ...... I could relate to him and his situation in a few different ways. No, I am not physically limited, but I have lived a life I can no longer be a part of...... There are things associated with the lifestyle I had chosen that I can no longer participate in, if my goal is in fact a successful recovery. Although I could have sat dwelling and missing and all that type of thing that goes on with a major life path alteration.......I chose to do the opposite, to see the new things I CAN do, not those things I cannot. The first several days were difficult, I would be lying if I said it was easy. Yet as time passes, and I participate actively in my new life, those moments of 'missing' are rare and almost non existent today. I am able to appreciate this new chapter of life that I am living, and all the wonderful new experiences. When we go through a major life path change....there has to be an end to the old ways.....We are ever evolving, life will NOT always be the same, that is the reason we were created..... To always be growing and changing, to truly appreciate life's mysteries. I do not know one single person that has lived a road free of challenge.
The Lord is my Shepherd, I will not be afraid.
What is in His will, will not be delayed.
He is my foundation, and my sounding board.
My purpose here on earth is to live for You, O Lord.
I am a willing follower, I know You won't bring me any harm.
The path I take behind you..... takes me safely through the storm.
-sjt 4/7/2014
4/7/2014
Today I am celebrating the big 33. Yikes! Since this has all happened I have thought a lot about Jesus Christ and his ministry and excruciating path he endured for us. That reflection is what keeps me focused on my path, and gives me the courage to keep going. Yesterday when my husband reminded me of my birthday.....my first thought was..... "Gosh, I will be 33! That is how old Jesus was on the cross!" "Wow! I am at the same age Jesus was when He gave His life for my sins." That is the most moving detail of Christ's life to me! .... At 33 years old, this amazing Super Hero died on the cross..... A horrific experience that took an enormous amount of Faith. In my mind, Jesus Christ is the most inspiring individual to ever walk this earth!
4/6/2014
Today I gave blood for the first time in my life. I left the church feeling so very proud for 2 reasons. 1...I could possibly have saved a life today. And 2......I am substance free, so I am able to save a life. I couldn't donate in the past, because that was not the case. Thank You, God, for giving me yet another day of "clean and serene". At first I was extremely nervous, but then, I reflected on what Jesus had done for my sins.......I told the pastor, "If He can do that, I can do this!" The Lamb Wins!
4/6/2014
86 days down my new path today! I am so thankful that I am no longer a prisoner within my own skin.
My life has changed so drastically for the better, I am no longer a victim of the life of sin.
This has been a road of many blessings of which I am thankful, All I had to do was surrender myself to my God.
Last night I looked back down this road I once thought was impossible.....but today I know, it's not.
Had this terrifying situation not happened, In my heart I know I would still be in that place.
Struggling with my own self in a lonely, isolated, dark and dangerous race.
Today I am a grateful recovering addict; a proud servant of Jesus Christ.
Father, thank You from the bottom of my heart for this life!
-sjt 4/6/2014
4/5/2014
I can feel the Positive energy all around!
I hold my head high, I continue to walk proud!
It does not matter where I've been....
or that I have greatly sinned.
It does however make me strong...
to know my road is forever long.
This road will lead me wherever I choose.
I can tell ya today, I will not lose!
Life is too precious to give up on it.
Knowing that, I will not quit.
Man may take my cash, or my stuff,
& continue to make things really tough.
Yet in time those 'things' can be replaced.
I'll be that much stronger for what I've faced.
I am a not fighter, Yet I do not stand alone.
Whatever it takes; it will be done.
For God is my rock, He is my true friend.
And I seek eternal life with Him!
-sjt 4/5/2014
4/4/2014
Yesterday I was feeling a bit down, I mentioned my hopelessness to God, and He performed several miracles in my life. 10 minutes after surrendering my troubled mind to Him, a phone call came in from my Mother in law. She told me that they were moving my son tomorrow to her home! My reaction was: (tears rolling down my face) "That is the best news I have heard in 83 days!".....in an instant, He mended my hurts. I was in my car when I received the call, so when I hung up, I got out stood there looking up at the sky......smiling from ear to ear. I said: "Thank You, so much! Thank You, so much!" On my way home from work, I pondered the entire way on all the feats my husband and I have been faced with, and with the help of the Holy Spirit, have been able to accept and conquer. Without God, our lives were unmanageable. But with Him, we are able to face any challenges! Such a beautiful relationship to have!!! When I arrived at the house and told my husband the news, we just stood there smiling. .....Then.....another miracle......I received the most wonderful phone call from my brother. He does not live in the area, in fact, it is quite a distance between he and I. We have not really spoke in quite some time, and I do believe it is the very best conversation I can ever remember having with him. (and we have had some really good conversation) :) Are you ready for miracle number 3???? (because they happen in 3s ya know!)......When I hung up with my brother, my lovely husband was in the kitchen, rolling fish in flour, and almost had dinner ready. He was extremely hungry, and the old husband would have pestered the daylights outta me while I was on the phone! He didn't do that at all, instead, I walked into the kitchen to my sweet man, covered in flour, with this pitiful look on his face.......he said: "Babe.....I fixed dinner".........Wow! :)
4/2/2014
God works in such mysterious ways! 82 days clean.........I am letting my light shine every where I go. All because I said "Yes" to Him 83 days ago.......I am well on my way! Thank you to everyone I have met on my journey....for all the kind words of encouragement. The Holy Spirit has put all types of fantastic people into my life! AWESOMENESS!
Positive Energy....... Powerful Stuff!
KEEP IT FLOWING........
4/1/2014
God, thank You for another day clean! Today is day 81.... I feel great, I am excited to get up in the morning these days. I am meeting lots of wonderful people, and working hard to rebuild my life based upon 'purpose' rather than doom and gloom. Thank You for rescuing me from the rubble...... And thank You for giving me the strength and courage to climb out of my "hole". For the very first time ever, I am living a fruitful, not-destructive lifestyle. Thanks for not giving up on me! THE LAMB WINS!!
The Cross
There he lay on the cross, with arms stretched out because of us.
What an Awesome, unselfishly courageous act of love!
Jesus died for all our sins, we must never forget the sacrifice he made.
We are to love one another as he has loved us just the same.
It is our purpose here on earth for Jesus, the Savior of our world!
We cannot ever lose sight of the painful experience He endured!
-sjt 3/31/2014
3/31/2014
In China, when they welcome a new believer into the church, they welcome them by saying: "Now Jesus has another set of eyes to see with....." What this means to me is, our spirits/eyes are like another window in the body of the Holy Spirit. When we commit to doing Gods work in our lives, His area of reach is that much farther. When we do God's good work....We make the world that much better. Say we touch the souls of just two people, and they do the same......Imagine what kind of world we would be living in.......pretty darned Awesome if ya ask me!
With struggle comes growth and spiritual gain.
With growth we must experience some pain.
In even the most destructive of ways....
Somehow we develop a fear of change.
Your garden can't grow unless you remove the weeds.
And get out in the world to sow some seeds.
We must cultivate the land, we must till the soil.
Even the sweetest of fruits will spoil.
It takes patience and much hard work indeed.
This is something thatthis entire world needs!
-sjt 3/30/2014
3/29/2014
Time is the most valuable gift anyone can give. Right now, time is what I would love to be able to spend with my kids. I struggle with that each day, With the frustrations that accompany the loss of our time. Really, the toughest part is knowing that we will never get that time back. When it is gone, it is gone. I am hearing quite often, how we need to cherish this time. Don't rush it. Truth be told, that statement is so contradictory in a lot of ways. How does one cherish the time away from their kids? Exactly how much time is enough time? How much time away from their mother is detrimental to a 5 year old child? What about time from the child's point of view? These questions bring me much grief, grief for myself, my child, and the many other families I know that are out there experiencing this same pain.....
HOLY SHEESHKABOBS!! IT IS DAY 77!!
3/28/2014
Day 77! Another day 'Clean and Serene'! And even more wonderful, It is a Friday full of absolutely gorgeous weather! What more could anyone ask for???? ......I'm thinking "bike ride!" Thank you God for another day free..... :)
In the beginning was the Word. And the word was with God. And the Word was God. -John 1:1
I am my own worst enemy, allowing my selfish ways to be my driving force.
My green monster has led me to a place that is miles and miles off course.
My focus has brought about disaster, and has caused an enormous amount of pain.
And repair is such a slow process, so much that needs to be regained.
I know my road is rocky, and a lot of it: uphill.
I must take responsibility, I must accept this bitter pill.
-sjt 3/28/2014
3/27/2014
I must trust God's will, I will be not afraid.
Therefore owning the results of the choices I made.
This too shall pass, and I find comfort in that.
Struggles build character, and this is a fact.
As each day passes, I am more at peace...
with facing this challenge that stands before me.
-sjt 3/27/2014
"The darkest hour....lasts only 60 minutes!"
-Morris Mandell
But the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God." (Luke 1:30)
There is no fear in love, but full grown love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love.
-1 John 4:18
Psalms 27:5,6 For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock. And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me, and I will offer in his tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing and make melody to the LORD.
3/26/2014
Day 75! I am so proud and thankful that I have made it this far. I am well on my way to a life constructed of purpose and meaning, as I undergo this major life path reconstruction. With each new challenge I face, I have become this person I never could have imagined myself to be! I have been blessed with resilience and courage to get me through this trying time. Thank you, God for the path You have laid out before me.
Proverbs 24:20 for the evil man has no future; the lamp of the wicked will be put out.
3/25/2014
5 years from now, let me tell ya where we'll be...
Life will be even more awesome, my kids will be with me.
With the help of my God, I will be on my way...
To saving another addict from making my same mistakes.
My husband will be a better daddy, and I a better mom.
Our home a safer place built by the grace of God.
Our enemies will have forgiven us, trust will be earned back.
Wisdom will be the outcome, our lives will be on track.
My dreams will keep me focused, my God will lead the way....
With a spiritual relationship that grows stronger day by day!
-Day 74! Go Lambs! :)
sjt 3/25/2014
I have never yet learned anything from any man that I agreed with........
3/25/2014
Every storm does have an end.
For every enemy: there's a friend.
In every challenge: a blessing found!
For this is a world of ups and downs!
-sjt 3/25/2014
Absolutely! Positively!........Whatever it takes!
3/21/2014
Today is day 70! Thank you God for another day clean!
And Thank you for the new life You have given me!
I am trying to take the 'glass half full' perspective each day.
Yet I miss my kids in the most heart-breaking way.
The world of wonder can either strengthen or destroy.
God thank You so much for keeping me going.
-sjt 3/21/2014
3/21/2014
God I surrender to You! I am powerless over my addiction. Yet with You in my life, all is possible! Recovery is a process, I must be ever growing spiritually and mentally. I must remove myself from the world in which I was existing. I will walk the path to victory with the power of the Holy Spirit moving through me. For with a strong Faith-based core, freedom can be found!
3/24/2014
"Hurry up and wait!" This statement keeps playing in my mind when I think about the system and necessary hurdles keeping me from being reunited with my sons. This situation has greatly impacted my life for the better. I realize trust has been broken and It is my responsibility to begin to mend the hurt I have caused. I have every intention of doing absolutely whatever it takes. I know that my own actions are my responsibility, that makes it extremely difficult to see my family and my boys having to experience such pain. Now that I am able to have a clear focus, I see so many things differently, and I can recall times in my past where my way of thinking was so completely off. I read writings that I wrote during my active addiction, that I can remember writing. And at the time, I considered myself to be responsible and fairly rational. Well, in comparison to most addicts, yes that was somewhat true. I referred to myself as a 'functional addict'. C'mon ! I was anything but that statement. I was only good at pretending. This chapter of my life, I am so excited to be able to say that I am a 100% drug free and fully responsible in every sense of the words . I thank my God each day for this wonderful new life ahead of me.
PROUD PARTICIPANT OF NATIONAL 'BE HAPPY' DAY!! :)
3/20/2014
Today is national Be Happy day! As yesterday wasn't my happiest of days, this is a welcomed event. I have spent a lot of time on this site, building a persona of Positive mindset and Happy Happy. To be completely honest, I speak or write these things in the most part, for myself. (my ideal way to be) Don't get me wrong, I am most definitely a positive person by nature, but who am I kidding. I am scared! I mean terribly terribly afraid. I thought It best to acknowledge my feelings to whomever might be reading this, and to myself as well. Each day, I make a promise to myself and to my God that I will approach the day and it's events with a positive frame of mind. Yet, in the evening when I am alone, tears fall, like the floodgates of the Heavens. Following the flood, my night is always the same, I turn to my scriptures to find a place of peace and comfort. Let me tell ya, it really works! I could be in a place of hopelessness, and do a complete 180, to arrive at the exact place in my heart and mind that I need to be. Yesterday, I struggled all day with the demon voice of negativity, who had led me to a place of confusion..... A had ending up in a place that was causing me to doubt my own faith! I found myself questioning whether or not my own beliefs were truly genuine. I had even expressed feelings of frustration with regards to a friend and their participation in a worship service we attended together! What the heck! ...... Well folks! Let me tell you a little story or 'miracle'.......I have been reading this book, "The Purpose Driven Life". The night before last I did not have my book to read, I had left it by accident (or did I?) at group earlier that day. So yesterday, thank the Lord, I was able to locate it.... Group went fantastic, my counselor is incredible. I went home, anxious to catch up in my book. I bawled like a baby last night, I mean I WEPT! Then I went to bed to read my book..... Guess what the chapter I opened to find was discussing...... Doubting your faith, and different ways to worship. There was also mention of being patient with others' ways of celebrating their God...... How we are to be sensitive to others whom join us in prayer, as they might not be at the exact same place that we are. So, did I leave that book accidentally? Or did God want me to find peace in that chapter last night, when I was truly needing to read those words? Wow, what a completely necessary situation! God is Soooooooooo Great!
My mom...
My mom, she's the textbook definition of "diamond in the rough".
She has always stood by my side even when times were tough.
She has been my advocate the whole way through,
My mom has been my sounding board when I was feeling blue.
She often times didn't agree with me, but she loved me just the same.
And if I screwed up, best believe, she'd put me in my place.
Nonetheless, I always knew no matter what Id done,
My mom would always be there to remind me I was loved.
When my life had hit rock bottom, and everyone else had scattered.
She was always the first on scene to remind me that I mattered.
There's so much I have done right, and some things: not so much.
Through thick and thin shes been there, she's never given up.
I hope someday I will be half the gal she's been.
Thank you mom for being my best teacher and my friend!
GO LAMBS!
-sjt 3/19/2014
3/19/2014
I have a sister that passed away one year before I was born. Today she would have been celebrating a birthday. Happy Birthday to my sister I unfortunately never had the pleasure of meeting in this life. I do know the day I get to finally meet her will most definitely be an emotional event. Who knows, Maybe she has been reading my site this whole time! Maybe she is partly responsible for whipping my butt into shape! I have a mental picture of her having angel food cake with God and my nephew in Heaven right now. :) Happy 39th birthday, Sister! My thoughts are with you today!
3/19/2014
Day 68 and counting! I am approaching judgement day, although I am afraid of what lay ahead, I am also ready to get this all behind me. I am excited about the future, and my new life I have found! The situation is a stormy one, but as with anything else, this is but just a chapter of my book. ........ "This too, shall pass!" God will not put in front of me more than I can handle, so knowing that brings me a great deal of comfort today. I will not be defeated, I will become a better person because of all of this. Experience is a hard teacher at times. Whether it be a positive or negative situation......what I did doesn't matter, what I do about it does.
A Rainbow and the number 42.....
In my mind a rainbow symbolizes a miracle. Also, my favorite number my whole life has been the number 42. Ironically, a rainbow appears at 42 degrees. The number 42 is said to symbolize the "Meaning of Life". In the book of Genesis, a rainbow is said to represent the covenant between God and Noah. That covenant states that God will never again wash all life off the Earth. This is said to be why a rainbow appears after a rain; connecting Earth to the Heavens.......
3/18/2014
...In many ways my 'Road to Recovery' (or rainbow), represents my covenant with God! I thank you all for being a part of my journey. :) -sjt 3/18/2014
3/18/2014
Twinkle little star so high!
Please watch over my kids tonight.
Whisper to them in their ear...
that mommy loves and holds them dear.
Keep them safe, Star in the sky.
Protect them with Your loving light!
-sjt 3/18/2014
3/18/2014
The struggles we face are like the clothing we wear...tailored to suit our person.
We are all as strong as he made us, ever growing; this is why our tragedies seem to worsen.
We are only dealt what we can handle, though the heavy seems heavier each time.
Folks, God wants us to be ever evolving works in progress....to be bettered by our crimes!
The only crime that should ever defeat us, is the crime that we choose to ignore.
Accept the lessons your path has given; Become better than you were before!
-sjt 3/18/2014
3/17/2014
Happy Monday, World! The further I get into my recovery, the more whole I become. I am now at a point where I can look back and clearly see that I was thinking with an altered perspective. I most definitely did not have my freedom of choice available to me. The devil had woven his way into my mind, and was manipulating my entire thought process. He had even fooled me into thinking that I was actually making my own decisions, and of sound mind. Now I look back, and I see all of this. It is so very clear to me, and It is down right embarrassing to think that I was capable of making any decision that would ever result in the loss of my two children. Today I am taking all necessary strides to making their return home possible. When I look back and must 'own' my actions, It is without a doubt, one bitter pill to swallow! I have to remind myself that what I did yesterday, will always be! No amount of guilt or shame will ever change what has happened. However, I can change what happens today! 'Live and Learn' ....... As long as you can understand what caused the undesirable out come, and accept responsibility for your own actions, you are more well on your way to resolution. Empower your actions, by surrendering to God! It is like a super boost of energy, knowing you have your own personal 'Superhero' by your side at ALL times! And what is even more exciting, all you have to do, is trust in him fully. When I realized that life is not all about me, but rather what I can do to please my God, what happens next is so blatantly obvious. It is quite comical to think that I was ever lost.
Smile! And the world Smiles with You!
3/17/2014
Just a simple little smile can change an entire room!
A painless little action to cancel out the gloom!
An inexpensive little smile can help cure someone's pain.
Smiling is contagious, to NOT smile would be insane!
-sjt 3/17/2014 :)
3/16/2014
Thank you Lord for good friends, and the wonderful people I cross paths with every day!
Thank you for showing me how to live my life in your way!
Thank you Father for the lessons I am learning in order to live a life pleasing to You!
Mostly, thank You for allowing me to be reborn to a life of truth!
-sjt 3/16/2014
Just for today, show me the way, so that I may become even more pleasing to you than the person I was yesterday!
THE LAMB WINS!!!!!
3/15/2014
I have been thinking a lot about living life of meaning, and how vital a purpose driven life truly is.
How life and Its happenings are part of God's plan, we are no accident.
I spent much time soul searching and reflecting on the bigger picture, the roots, the core of life.
For without God we are but just a shell, wandering day and night.
I don't know a single person who seeks the life of a nomad, nor do I choose to live that way.
Pieces of the puzzle that made no sense are becoming more clear to me today.
I was simply making too complicated the answer to why I exist.
A life surrounded by faith is A life without any risk.
If We truly trust and believe, there is no task worth any worries.
Our true purpose has no gray area, it should be clear; never blurry.
So why do we surround our lives with selfishness? driven by materials we collect?
The absolute only thing we ever need, is so easy, yet we forget.
Gods love is the core, it's why we are here.
Love yourself, Love your neighbor, Let go of your fears.
-sjt 3/15/2014
Today I am 63 days clean and serene! It is a beautiful day! The sun is shining, I am smiling, and I thank God for the many blessings in my life.
Why Be Bitter?When We Can Be Better! :)
3/13/2014
My nephew went to be with the Lord at the young age of 14.
I cannot begin to tell you how that has impacted me.
When I was in active addiction; I thought of him a lot.
How much he had accomplished that I yet still had not.
Yes, he was a young man, but such a wise 'old soul'.
A truly good, wholesome, and worldly soldier of the Lord.
He was a caretaker of his cousins and a big brother to his flock.
A dreamer on a mission, a core as solid as a rock.
Loved by so many, and held in such high esteem.
A perfectly beautiful example of what life should truly mean.
Even in active addiction, since the minute he passed away,
the simple words: "stay beautiful" were with me every day.
-sjt 3/13/2014
We have the ability to create our world! It starts with an idea in your mind.......Every action....Greatness.....Failures.....All stemmed from a thought. Where do you plan to go? What life will you have? We so often fail to realize, that we are always in control of our destiny. When we do not achieve our dreams, it is only because we never truly believed them ourselves. Believe, and you shall receive! -sjt 3/12/2014
"Stay Beautiful!":)
-in memory of my nephew R.A.S.
3/12/2014
Each day I go to my counseling session and share about my day,
Everybody is always building me up with the kind words they throw my way.
What these people do not realize is that God merely planted the seed.
I would not be this positive person without the treatment I receive.
They are accountable for the sunshine and water I need to grow.
For without them, I am but just a seed that has been sown.
-sjt 3/12/2014
Thank you to my extended family, for building me up everyday! I love yall!
3/12/2014
What a world we live in. We really do have it all wrong. Our lives are so focused on material things, rather than what really matters. In my life today, I make every attempt to make all my decisions based out of love. When I am graffling with a situation that seems so terribly heavy, I ask myself, what is it that is making this a mountain in my mind? Is God trying to send me a message? Why are people reacting in the fashion that they are? What is my role? Realistically, I believe every situation we endure, is a lesson in some form or fashion. It is an opportunity to pause, and to reflect for a moment on where I might need to strengthen my areas of weakness. I cannot control how someone reacts to anything. That is the beauty of the power of choice. Because of this beauty, we have the amazing ability to design our entire experience. Yes, In my life, at this particular period of time, an outsider would consider there to be a substantial amount of heavy. And yet, even though my path at the moment is not an easy one, I am not a prisoner to my situation either. I may have been knocked down on the outside, but I am standing on the inside. I choose to pull the positive out of the mountain and focus on the view I will have once I am at the top. I am not trying to move the mountain at all, and that's something so many people fail to see. I am simply trying to climb the darn thing so that I may appreciate the spectacular view of God's creation. This time in my life is my test of faith. Am I in it to win it? Or am I going to walk around with my violin? ...... I have no interest in playing the violin, I am here to experience the beautiful view! To experience the difficult path to the top, so that I may appreciate the gift He gave me!
-sjt 3/12/2014
3/12/2014
You Won’t Get Stuck!TODAY’S SCRIPTURE“It shall come to pass in that day that his burden will be taken away from your shoulder, and his yoke from your neck, and the yoke will be destroyed because of the anointing oil.”(Isaiah 10:27, NKJV)TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria
I read something interesting about a spider. We’ve all seen how a spider spins a web in order to catch an insect. That web is filled with a sticky substance so that when an insect comes in contact with it, it not only gets tangled in the web, but it actually gets stuck. Have you ever thought about how the spider that’s spinning the web can walk across it and not get stuck? It seems like he would get trapped in his own web. But God made the spider so that its body releases a special oil that flows down to its legs. That way, it can just slide across the web. You could say the spider doesn’t get stuck because of the anointing that’s on its life!
In the same way, God has put an anointing on your life. It’s like oil that causes things not to stick. When you walk in His anointing, the things that should bring you down won’t be able to. Bitterness won’t be able to stick to you. Envy and strife will slide right off of you. The traps of the enemy won’t even faze you! You are protected, and you won’t get stuck because you are covered in Him!
3/11/2014
Thank goodness for great people surrounding me during this difficult time.
Thank you for all the wonderful compliments, and all the truly positive vibes.
God is soooooooo Good!!!!!!!
-sjt 3/11/2014
3/11/2014
Day 60, here we are! The view up here is great!
I can only imagine whats to come on day 88!
-sjt 3/11/2014
Whenever I have a problem......I sing.......Then I realize, my voice is worse than my problem!
3/10/2014
God is by my side, He will see me through.
Anything that gets thrown at me, God shows me what to do.
Because I do have faith in Him, no task is ever too much.
With Him all things are possible, I just have to trust!
-sjt 3/10/2014
God, Today I will focus on your son, Jesus Christ. I will remember the great sacrifice he made for my sins. I will encourage myself to always keep Him uppermost in my mind. Knowing how very blessed I am, I can face any challenges that may surface today or in my future. Thank you, God, today and always! -sjt 3/10/2014
3/7/2014
I am only one decision to use away from where I was.
Yet I will not be defeated again by any drug.
I am hurting right now in my recovery, but I need this pain to heal.
I will not throw it all away no matter how hard it is to deal.
I have hurt the ones I love, my addiction has caused a great deal of pain.
God will heal all wounds in time, so i must patiently await the rain.
I am rolling through the rubble, wading through the mess.
I know the worst has just arrived, and I have confidently passed the test.
I proudly trek forward, I will continue to carry my cross.
I will not let one bump in the road constitute a loss.
-sjt 3/7/2014
We all make mistakes, life is full of them. It is how we handle our faults that defines who we are!
3/7/2014
Growing Through DifficultyTODAY’S SCRIPTURE“These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold...”(1 Peter 1:7, NLT)TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria
One thing we have to realize is that God is not going to deliver us from every difficulty. He is not going to keep us from every challenge. If He did, we would never grow. The Scripture says, “Our faith is tried in the fire of affliction.” When you’re in a tough time, that’s an opportunity for your faith to shine.
Anybody can get negative and bitter, blame God, or lose their passion. That’s easy. But if you want to pass the test, if you want God to take you to a new level, you cannot be a weakling. You’ve got to be a warrior. Dig your heels in and say like Paul, “I can handle it. I’m ready for it. I’m equal to it. I know God is still on the throne. He is fighting my battles, and on the other side of this difficulty is a new level of my destiny!”
A PRAYER FOR TODAYFather, thank You for refining me and growing my faith. I choose to stand strong in the midst of difficulty. I choose to bless You no matter what my circumstances are. I trust that You are leading and guiding me in paths of righteousness for Your name’s sake in Jesus’ name. Amen.
It's a LIFE or METH situation.....and I choose LIFE!
3/6/2014
I am staying positive, I am staying clean, I am finally living and loving life!
I am turning my dreams into my reality WITHOUT altering my state of mind!
Wow! Could this really be happening? It is almost too good to be true!
Just trying to wrap my head around my new found kick ass point of view.
I ask: "Self, what is so different this time? Addiction is a disease."
"There isn't any cure! Yet how do you feel so free?"
After pondering much on the last 55 days, here is what I found:
Acceptance of what is truly good; trust the Holy Spirit that surrounds.
-sjt 3/6/2014
3/5/2014
Meth has ambushed it's way into thousands of lives, destroying all in its path.
It wires itself into your mind and changes the way you act.
You will give to the drug things you thought you'd never lose.
Because you are no longer in control the moment you first use.
Meth will trick you into thinking that you are a special case.
It will dig deep inside you and root itself in place.
Sometimes the drug lays dormant until you have lost all power.
However long it takes....... could be years, weeks or hours.
Meth does not care about you but you will cherish it.
It will take your house, your car...it will even take your kids.
In fact the only power that you have is the choice you have to take it.
After that its a gamble as to weather or not you'll make it.
Meth will do its best to kill you as thats its ultimate goal.
Cross your fingers you break free before its got your soul.
Meth and I have an extensive past I have seen its demonic plan.
It conquers every victim, I am no longer willing to take that chance.
-sjt 3/5/2014
We are all beautiful people, Meth makes us forget!
Take my hand, walk with me, lets fight the War on Meth!
-sjt 3/4/2014
Thank you all for your prayers this weekend, and Always! This has been an uphill battle. I would not have gotten this far without the support/prayers of the loving people in my life!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU ALL!!!
God bless each end every one of you! And may God bless all of you out there that are still in the struggle of addiction! There is ALWAYS hope, I promise you that!
Experience is a hard teacher..... She gives the test first, and the lessons after. Crisis can bring about a miracle, but only if you will allow it.
It won't be easy, but it WILL be worth it!
2/25/2014
A Prayer:
Dear God,
Thank you for providing me with the strength to handle whatever is tossed my way.
Thank you for guiding me down the proper path each and every day.
Thank you for the loving people that surround me during these desperate times.
Thank you for providing me with the courage to face my crimes.
Thank you for waking me up when I had fallen asleep,
and carrying me out of the fog when it was much too deep.
Please continue to watch over myself and my family,
And most important please help me to forgive my enemies.
-sjt 2/25/2014
2/27/2014
Every beginning has an end, and every end: a beginning.....knowing that......there is ALWAYS hope!
-sjt 2/27/2014
2/27/2014
There was a time I 'had it all'; most people thought so too.
Yet looking back I realize, that I didn't have a clue.
Sure I had all the tangible stuff: the toys, the cash, the car.
But if I truly had it all, it didn't get me very far.
My focus then was so much 'of this world', for that I am ashamed.
To think what i thought was so important, was just a self destructive game.
How embarrassing this is for me to now admit.
In the end I lost all those 'things' I worked so hard to get.
-sjt 2/27/2014
2/19/2014
Everyday is full of miracles waiting to be discovered, yet so often we fail to see.
There is beauty all around us, that we must be open to receive.
Even amongst the "chaos", a seed of hope can always be found,
Just simply take a moment to stop..... and look around!
-sjt 2/19/2014
2/20/2014
Carried away in shackles, my heart ripped from my chest,
left standing knees deep in a miserable mess.
Yet all around me it's calm; my thoughts are collected.
Before me; an opportunity to be resurrected.
Like a feather I float away in the breeze,
I swallow my pride and get down on my knees.
Despite all of my choices which have caused so much pain,
I am blessed with the strength to move forward again!
-sjt 2/20/2014
Be the change you want to see in the world!
-MahatmaGhandi
2/26/2014
I am High on Life! Im Happy Im free.
What a wonderful way to be!
Yet life is still not quite complete,
because my boys are not with me.
I long for the day we are together again,
and the new life that I will share with them!
For 13 years I have been always a mom.
Now it has been 47 days since i was robbed.
Not a second goes by that they're not on my mind.
How I long for the day Im not hurting inside.
The nights are long; the weekends too!
Man Ill be glad when this is all through!
-sjt 2/26/2014
2/28/2014
Someday I will be famous, someday I will be rich.
Someday i will travel the world and discover my lifelong niche.
I will save the planet from some disaster, maybe save a life.
but for now, my only focus: not making the same mistake twice.
Have a Great Weekend World! -sjt 2/28/2014
3/4/2014
Hopes, dreams, love. That's what makes the world go round.
All of this mixed with faith. Interlocked at the speed of sound.
At least this is our potential, yet we do not all agree.
My personal goal is to be the light that this world needs.
The simplest thing that we can do to change this place;
random acts of kindness each and every day.....
-sjt 3/4/2014
2/24/2014
Empower yourself by making good choices.
Toss out those negative inner-voices!
To cheat yourself, is the ultimate crime!
Reach for the stars EACH day, ALL the time!
-sjt 2/24/2014
2/21/2014
It has been 42 days since the storm blew through my home,
and I have accomplished what seemed impossible 43 days ago.
I am not an olympian, yet I am In my mind!
Im clean and Im proud, and I hold my torch high!
-sjt 2/21/2014
2/24/2014
The safety net of protection this world has in place,
has cut off it's nose to spite it's own face.
This planet is missing the most beautiful action.
We punish eachother to bring about satisfaction.
This fact is most definitely the wrong point of view.
We seek everlasting life; Yet this means: always true.
Our time here is short; make each moment count.
We must love one another despite ALL accounts.
-sjt 2/24/2014
2/28/2014
The Road to Recovery is an ongoing path.
It consists of much more than any one task.
The road is always, a forever road, a journey that has no end.
Its a lifelong commitment; much more than some silly trend.
This path is journey to evolution, of which one should feel proud.
Its a path to victory underway...... Laugh! have fun! Be loud!
OWN IT! WEAR IT! SHARE IT!
-sjt 2/28/2014
2/28/2014
Life handed me lemons, but not just two or three.
Nope, I got a whole truckload of these darn things!
The bitterest lemons I have ever come across.
So Im gonna make lemonade.....'Like a Boss!" Lol
-sjt 2/28/2014
3/2/2014
Put your trust in God, put your worries away.
Don't be anxious about tomorrow, enjoy life today.
My pastor said we are all a team with our Lord.
Knowing that: what are we worrying for?
God has a design for our lives in his mind.
Love yourself, Love your neighbor, always be kind.
Our anxiety causes us to ignore something great!
Trust in God and do not be blind to your faith.
-sjt 3/2/2014
3/3/2014
In this life, with each new day, I am getting stronger.
I do NOT want to be lost in my addiction any longer.
This has been a vicious cycle, like a revolving door.
A history I have no interest in repeating anymore.
Despite what the 'Doomsday Books' all say about the drug,
I can't help but let that be my fuel; to keep from getting stuck.
My life is like a velcro ball being pushed back to the top.
With each step in the right direction I pick up more of what Id lost.
Relying solely on what I had in the past pushed away.
I have become better than I ever imagined I could be today.
-sjt 3/3/2014
42 degrees- The angle at which a rainbow appears
The Greatest pleasure in life......is doing what people say you cannot do!
A Poem:
Meth does not care!
Meth is not fair!
You may think you're in control; but make no mistake,
In the end you WILL give what Meth does not take.
Nobody wins, not even the strong.
Some might make it awhile; but never for long.
Meth does not love; Meth only destroys!
Meth is the devil, and has many decoys.
Yet we DO have the power; the power of choice!
Let God in your heart! Let God be your voice!
-sjt 2/18/2014