While I was cooking dinner last night, the news was on. There is so much violence and evil in the world. My 6 year old child must have over heard some of it. The reason I make that assumption is, because he asked me the most unexpected question during dinner. He said: "mommy, what were those mans looking for in our house?" I had no idea what he was referring to initially. But after a few questions of my own, we evolved to the storm that began our family's recovery journey 515 days ago. I pondered my response for a second or two. How do I appropriately answer this question? How about the truth!? He attends NA meetings with me all the time, and is pretty keen on what addiction is.....and where it can lead. So I responded with: "drugs". He looked at me and asked another question: "and did they find any?" I replied with: "yes....they did." His reaction caught me quite by surprise. He smiled and said: "oh....okay" It was as if that made complete and total sense to him. The serenity in his eyes, and the contentment with my response, could have come from no other source than the almighty Creator himself!
I am replacing old destructive habits with new constructive hobbies. Reading has become not just a coping mechanism, but an important part of my day. As I finish each book, I am compiling a list of fav's ! :)
'Welcome to your Crisis' - Laura Day
'Feel the Fear...and do it Anyway!' -Susan Jeffers
'Your Best Life Now!' - Joel Osteen
'The Purpose Driven Life'- Rick Warren
'90 Minutes in Heaven'- Don Piper
'Power of a Praying Wife' - Stormie Omartian
'Power of a Praying Woman' - Stormie Omartian
'Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On' - Stormie Omartian
'Battlefield of The Mind' - Joyce Meyer
'The Harbinger' - Jonathan Cahn
'When God Calls'
'Loving Your Imperfection' - Brene Brown
'Power of a Praying Parent'- Stormie Omartian
'The Power of Pause' -Terry Hershey
5/9/2014
Staying clean, is way easier than getting clean! I cannot tell you how many times each day I imagined what it would be like to be 'normal' while I was still using. I envisioned what my life would be like without having to be dependent on a chemical to get through my day. I honestly thought that I would never see the day that I could be free from my addiction......that was a terrifying feeling. I was afraid that if I did 'go for it', I wouldn't like the person I would be without the drug. Let me tell ya, from this perspective....119 days 'free'..... It is every bit and more than I had ever imagined! I truly feel like a 'Rockstar'...... That movie that played over and over in my mind during that time, the one where I was awesome without the use of drugs, is now MY reality! I look forward to the blessings still to come, and I am so excited to experience what God has planned for me. I love the person I am, and I approach each day with willingness an open mind. I have witnessed His miracles first hand, I AM a believer that Jesus Christ is my Savior!!
5/3/2014
What am I grateful for? This is a question my sponsor asked me recently. I have pondered that question much the last few days. There are so many things that I can say I am thankful for. The first and foremost is my faith. For without my faith, I would have no reason to have gratitude for anything else. It is the core of my whole being. Prior to this path I have walked the last 113 days, I can say I had a spiritual self. However, I cannot honestly say I had nurtured that self in quite some time. I had beliefs, yet without my actions reflecting those beliefs.....they are worth very little. I was in a dark place for a while, and I am so very thankful for being pulled back into the light. Today, I know my spirituality is alive and well. I do have a long way to go, but I am making progress on my journey. Little miracles happen all around me each and every day. The simple fact that I can notice my many blessings, despite how sometimes small they might be, is a miracle in itself. When my life was centered around myself, I took little time to pause and notice what was happening in the moment. My world was so off track, and this distance from that period of time, has allowed me to see that today. The person I have become today, is a person I am happy to be. I notice so many personality changes, and for that I am also grateful. Before I got clean, I was afraid to take that step, yet I wanted change. What if I did not like myself clean? This question kept me in my active addiction! Fear of the unknown kept me in the dark. Looking back, that is the only regret that I have. Regret is such a harsh word though, and there is so much 'grey area'. I like who I am, I am okay with me. Any minute detail missing from the equation, may or may not have brought me to be this person that I have become. I try not to even go there, and live in the 'what if', because I cannot undo anything. All I have is what I choose today. I am no longer a prisoner within myself, and for that I am so grateful!!!
3/31/2014
Yesterday was amazing! I got to spend the afternoon with my oldest boy. It was such a beautiful day, and I thank God for every minute of it. My son is such an amazing person, he truly blows my mind. When you have time away from someone you love, and you are so used to having them around, it is an extremely difficult situation. It pulls at your heart in ways that you never before knew. Yet, the beauty is, because I am no longer peppered with the every day distractions/irritations, I see my son in a whole new light. He is an even more impressive person than before. I admire his courage and drive, and his ability to keep moving forward. He is turning into quite the young man! I was proud of him before, I have always been proud of him. This new person that he is growing to be, has made me proud of him in an entirely new way. God blessed me with two genuinely AWESOME boys!
3/29/2014
Today was a beautiful day! Thank you God for blessing us with another gorgeous day, and another day clean. We are going to see the movie 'Noah' tonight! I can't wait! Wish my boys were going too! I know all will be well soon, I feel the positive all around! With each day, as we live in the light, blessings all around!!! God is So Great!
3/28/2014
Fear..... Fear is a necessary character builder. It instills in us a position of vulnerability. When we are fearful or weak, satan tends to move in and act on that weakness. When we trust in our Lord with our whole self, we relinquish our fears to Him. The word 'trust' means: Total Reliance Under Stress and Trial. Wow! That is beautiful, and makes a lot of sense too! In my book I am reading, 'The Purpose Driven Life'...last night it talked about temptations or tests of faith. It was really interesting to me, because I have been feeling like I am being attacked by seeds of doubt constantly. I know that satan despises believers, and that when I am experiencing these doubts, I am under his attack. Our most intensive spiritual character builders happen when we are tested in this manner. This chapter caused me to really focus on past experiences where I had not resisted temptations, and how the sly the devil has the potential to be. I was able to see how he had wired himself cleverly into my mind, and was able to get me to do his work. That particular period of time scares the crud out of me. The simple fact that I (and I am not on the devils payroll) had been doing his dirty work, made me feel embarrassed and ashamed. Then, I stopped myself suddenly, and told myself: "No, I will not feel this way about myself. I forgive myself for those things today, because the fact that I am able to see what was going on, and know that it was the devil, tells me I am a child of Christ!". We are all tested. We all fail sometimes. We all must pick ourselves up, and drill on! Today I am a wiser person having had the experiences where I hadn't resisted temptations. The times I had given in, made me a person of stronger character, because I see how the wicked one works. Today this person I am is much smarter than before. Those times that I failed, I really didn't fail, because God is not through with me yet. Do not feel guilty for having been tempted ever. Guilt is the devil! Learn and be on guard, always!
Triggers
When a person is in recovery, a lot of time is spent identifying things that trigger relapse. Also, development of healthy coping mechanisms to avoid further backslides. Well, what happens when your trigger is Anorexia, as mine is? Folks, this is a disease in itself. And even more frustrating, there is not a lot known about the eating disorder. I have spent quite a bit of time researching the correlation between drug addiction and eating disorders........ and have discovered a few sites that discuss their relationship. Looking back over my past, I cannot identify one single time that I returned to MA use EVER, that wasn't triggered by my overwhelming fear of being 'fat'. This is a terrifying fact! Food is not a trigger that I can just avoid, unless I am suicidal or something. This is an important, vital discovery......that I must address to be successful on my path. I have made it one of my life's missions to delve into this, so that I might be able to help someone else also. I know there are many many others out there that are still unknowingly suffering from at eating disorder and being categorized as an 'addict'. Truth is, at this point, they may have evolved to become a drug addict today, but they might actually be an anorectic that is just an ABUSER. There is a HUGE difference here. You cannot treat a victim of an eating disorder as a drug addict, and be successful at removing the drug for any substantial length of time. Addressing the food addiction is just as important as the drug abuse, if not more important! Well, think about it.....we spend the majority of the recovery process focusing on triggers/ avoidance of triggers/ and changing entire ways of thinking. Anorexia is not that easy! You can undergo an entire life transformation successfully and fairly easily as a drug abuser, but if the root of the abuse is an eating disorder to begin with........ this is an important piece of the puzzle, wouldn't you agree? I am not at all saying that I am not an addict. I know I am an addict. I am addicted to food, and I have leaned on drugs to hide that addiction from the world and myself. What I want to know now is why and how can I deal with it? I love the life that I have today, and I know that the battle with food that goes on in my mind will be ongoing. Because I am in the situation I am in today, drug use is no longer optional, as it shouldn't be. That is a whole dark dreary place in itself.....and I place I do not ever care to return to either. So....I am faced with a new challenge before me. As I am always open for a new challenge, I am excited about facing this dilemma. I am even more excited to think I might be able to bring some comfort to somebody else.
3/27/2014
I am unusually excited today. We have so many wonderful people that are peppering us with all kinds of positively precious words. It really feels great to know how much support we have, and "to matter" is such an awesome feeling. You know you have arrived at the right place when you can feel the love even during the heaviest of struggles. God has blessed my husband and I with all the tools we need to clean up our mess. And let me tell y'all, we may need to consider a janitorial career or something. Lol! Our lives are so clean and pure today, that a reflection can almost be seen. This is what God intended for all of us. To live a life of faith, simplicity, truth, and love. A life so pure that a reflection of Christ Jesus can be seen from the outside.
Our hearts are like a tablet for God's word.......And our tongue is like the pen.....
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. --
1 Timothy 1:7 NKJV
3/26/2014
In the bible it says that our tongue is our pen, and our heart is our tablet. Meaning, we are to place the word of God in our hearts, and speak that very word in our everyday lives. Not only are we to read and study Gods word alone, but we are to live those words which we take into our hearts. To me, this is such a beautiful analogy. Our purpose is to Love God, love ourselves, love our neighbors. If we abide by the first 2 commandments alone, the rest of God's laws will be naturally followed. When I ponder this concept, I come to realize how truly simple and awesome that really is! My personal goal moving forward is to practice these laws with my whole self. My life prior to 75 days ago, was lacking much in my vocalization of God's word. I cannot say that there was a total absence of God in my life, but I will admit that God had most definitely taken a back seat in my world. For this I am ashamed. I am so embarrassed that I had put God second to a man made substance. That I had given such power to a drug, and that because of that, the hearts of my family had been wounded. Distancing myself from that place where I was has given me clarity. I am able to accept the wonderful miracle placed before me on January 10th. There I stood, my arms bound together, and drenched in tears.......Yet, a smile in my heart, and an overwhelming sense of salvation!
3/25/2014
Yesterday I was looking over my paperwork from out patient treatment, I realized that we are set to be released/graduated on our 3 year wedding anniversary. Born into a new life together. This path has been a true test of faith for both my husband and I. We both have learned so many things together this last 74 days. Most importantly, We are making progress as a couple spiritually, and working hard to establish a solid foundation together. Positive progress is achieved with hard work. Life lessons that come easy do not bring about healthy long-term change. My husband and I went to his parents' church yesterday, to meet with the pastor there. He is the same pastor that married us 3 years ago. We shared our story with him, along with the steps we have been taking to rebuild our lives.......It was especially difficult for my husband. He was very emotional, and I admired him for the great courage it took to share the dark situation in which we had been existing. He asked the pastor to pray with us, it was such a beautiful experience, and so necessary for us both as a couple. When we pulled up at the church, my husband didn't want to go inside.....But when we left, he turned to face me, and said: "Babe, I'm glad we did that." I could see a look of peace that I hadn't seen on his face in a long long time. It was the same look I remembered seeing on the day our son was born.
3/22/2014
71 days today, I am stronger each day. I am learning more about my triggers and healthy ways to cope. All such necessary information for building a healthy lifestyle, which I am eagerly pursuing. I have learned so much in these last 71 days about myself, and believe me, one day 1 I thought I knew all there was to know about myself. Actually it was quite the reverse. I suffer from an eating disorder called Anorexia, which I have struggled with since I was about 12 years old. I am tall and my bone structure isn't and never will be petite. But as a young person approaching my teens, I had it in my head that "if I could just be skinny, and weigh <100 lbs, then I would be perfect".....well guess what, I believe my skeleton alone weighs more than that! And It took me a long time to figure this out. I struggled all through high school big time. Always trying to find a way to be thin..... and every trial, never was attacked with any balance. In my pre addict days, before I got acquainted with Meth, I abused an A.D.D medication similar to ridlyn. This was something that was readily available at the school by other students. I never thought it was that big of a deal, as everyone used it to study for big tests. I used it for that too, but the main purpose truthfully was to kill my appetite. My junior year an acquaintance at school, introduced me to Meth, I did not really ever like the way it made me feel, but I LOVED that I was never hungry.......I never used for any length of time, and didn't really have any particular pattern of use either. My relationship with the drug through school was sporadic......then I was introduced to the Gym, and Metabo life my senior year. This is where my real abuse of my body began. If I worked out, I did it non stop. When I wasn't at work or school, I was working out. For hours and hours. I would eat (not just normal portions either....huge amounts of food), and then I would go to the 24 hour gym, and I would be there until I made myself sick. I thought I had found myself a legal, reasonable approach to my desire to be thin. Never once did I ever think I had a problem. I thought I was doing something great for my body, finally! During my vigorous workout days, I was attending a local school to become a personal trainer. The next chapters of my life, Meth was in and out. I had no idea that my life was anything but balanced. Like everything else, I had made choices based on my eating disorder rather than achieving my dreams. Looking back, I now realize, I robbed myself of my real interests because I was so consumed with being 'skinny'. And knowing this now, I can now see why I had a pattern of not sticking to any one path. I struggled for many years flip flopping from workouts to speed off and on. With sometimes periods of several years clean. 'Clean' meaning...not using....I was still sick, I still had a problem I needed to address. Yet, I had not a clue! Folks it took me almost 21 years to figure out that I had a problem, and what my problem was. Had that dreaded situation not taken place in my home 71 days ago, and had I not admitted myself into treatment, I probably would still have a lifetime of suffering ahead of me. Something so darned obvious at this very moment, I had kept stuffed in the back of my mind. Even though I had based my entire life around food and my weight!......I mean c'mon, if that isn't sick, I have no idea what you would call it. Talking to my counselors, the root of my addiction has surfaced. Together we have been able to treat the cause of it all. I am so thankful for all the help that I wish I had asked for long ago! Today, I am 71 days clean, and I am still at what I refer to it as my Meth-Weight (no pun intended). WITHOUT any substances! My counselors and my family all know what type of help to provide for me. Knowing where my problems stemmed from, and realizing what really is important, saved my life. My self-centered mind was destroying my body! Today I have come to an understanding of a Power Greater than myself and my addiction (or desire to be thin). If I let God into my heart and participate actively in following the principles he has laid out for me, God can help me with all my struggles. I don't have to endure a life of suffering anymore for such foolish reasons!
God and Love......That's what life is all about!
3/21/2014
I saw my youngest boy today for the weekly visit. The visit today was difficult. More difficult than usual. My son was seemed to be somewhat detached. It was almost as though he was so afraid to say "hello" because of the "goodbye" that happens so soon. It was very apparent to me because of the evasiveness with any personal questions he was asked. It makes me so sad to think that I cannot instinctively scoop him up, comfort him, and begin to mend the hurt that my bad choices have caused. As a mother, this is the ultimate of punishments. I am deeply saddened and so very heart broken at the broad spectrum of pain addiction can cause. Rather than to treat people as individuals, the system has placed the hearts of my family (and I speak of only my family, as that is what I have to pull from) into a textbook scenario. I know that there are so many other situations of seemingly similar degrees on file to deal with, and I do understand that there are only so many hours in the day, but I can't say I am finding any comfort in that either. The only factor it seems that I have any control of at all, is the amount of trust I put into my God. Without my faith, there truly is no telling where I might be right now. I am all over the map, as I am experiencing a cocktail of emotions in any given moment . My life is quite comparable to the cup of coffee I am drinking from with the lid that does not seal. Each time I take a drink, a portion of the coffee winds up in my lap. So what does this tell me? Well I consider myself to be of fairly sound mind.....I guess there are a few ways to approach the situation.... Either I need to replace the cup I am drinking from or simply get a straw. I am choosing the straw, as I am not one to give up so easily, and my cup is still in fairly good condition. Resilient I am, and I will not let this darn lid ruin my day! Frustration with the situation is common, and who wouldn't be feeling this way, it is only logical. I have a sticker I carry with me in my wallet. It reads......."Keep calm, and drill on!" When I am feeling defeated, I used to open my wallet and go spend money. Well I no longer have any money, nor is that a healthy coping mechanism, but when I see my sticker I am able to focus once again. ........the terrain is rather rocky, but I must "Keep calm and drill on!"
3/15/2014
Miracles are all around, reminding me that God really is in charge of everything that transpires. He will always do what is best for us. Even in the thicket, when times are so tough, there's a reason for the hardship. We so often fail to trust in God, trust that He will not harm us. Ya know, I am always barraged with constant negative comments from people regarding their CPS caseworkers. Yea, they do not make things easy for us, that isn't their purpose. We screwed up, we need to fix it. They have to be hard to the situation, as pampering us, is not their primary purpose. Well, my objective in this writing is not to badger the caseworker for our faults, but rather to remind all of you out there, that they do care. Let me give you a little positive, and explain my experience yesterday. I had my typical weekly visit with my youngest, and after the visit, I spoke with my caseworker. I mentioned to her that my boys had not yet seen each other since the storm. She didn't really seem in my opinion anyway, that she was in any hurry to help me out. I left there wondering, but I told myself she probably had something else that maybe hadn't gone so well prior to our conversation. Something completely unrelated to me, which caused me to get the vibe I had. My reaction was that I had to trust that God would work things out. I went home that night and prayed about it. But what I had not yet realized til this morning, was that right after my visit, she called my oldest boy and arranged for a meeting! You see, our lives are in Gods control, we just have to trust. When someone, anyone (caseworker, family member, co worker, anyone) reacts in a way we might not agree with, we have to trust that God is working things out in his own way. If we are doing our part, God will always do his! Always! :)
3/10/2014
Tomorrow is my 2 month milestone in my recovery. I have spent a lot of time lately examining my past attempts to get clean, trying to tailor a successful recovery this time. In the past I have had a tendency to forget the bad characteristics of the drug. Which eventually led up to relapse. It is so very important in recovery to remember the hurt, and the emptiness associated with it. I want to ensure that I have a successful life change this time. I have been exposing myself to a plethora of recovery based literature and council, retaining any information that might benefit me more as I gain distance from the drug. I asked myself this weekend what was different about this time in comparison to the last attempts to get shed of the drug. I found a number of things I am doing differently which put me more at ease. In the past I didn't let go of my old friends/associates, I hung on with the mindset that I could help them too. At this point in my life I know that this isn't something you decide to do for someone else, it's a decision you make for yourself. And when you are 'in it to win it', you have to leave those people behind. I have been attending several groups/counseling, where in the past, I thought I did not need such an 'animal'. I guess you could call this step-1 'admitting we are powerless over our addiction'. Also, I have been reading books, getting involved in other healthy hobbies & activities. In the past I did the same thing accepting different results. And if I remember correctly, isn't that the definition of insanity???? So, now I am going at it with a whole new perspective. What I was doing wasn't working. So this time I made a promise to myself that in my new, better life, I would try new things. Normal activities, like softball, and guess what guys!? I like it! This life-path makeover has been exciting! I am learning things that I did not know about myself, and I thought that I knew myself fairly well. In all actuality, I hadn't a clue. This discovery has brought me some peace of mind in that there is hope. I am a person of logistics, so the fact that I am learning knew things about myself, gives me that much more confidence in the chance of success. Saving the best for last in the list of things I am doing differently. ..... It is the most vital factor in my life. This time I am not walking my path alone, I am walking with my faith in my heart. My God is always with me. Rebuilding my relationship with my God has been long overdue, I can get through all me feats with Him by my side........ Because with Him......ALL things are POSSIBLE!
God, Grant me...
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The Courage to change the things I can.
And the Wisdom to know the difference!
3/7/2014
Today I am 56 days clean, and only 4 days away from the 2 month milestone in my recovery. It really feels good to be making such progress. This last stretch of usage in my addiction was much different than any other binge in my drug history. I feel almost like there was an indefinite lesson to be learned. I didn't enjoy the drug like I had in the past. I felt so lonely and unalive inside. It seemed the entire time like somebody was trying to tell me something. Almost like there was a powerful little voice inside me saying: "enough". I battled with it the entire part of the last year. I would continue justifying not breaking free, yet really really wanting to. This time the drug really had a hold on me. I couldn't get high anymore. It seemed like the drug was shutting me down on the inside, little by little, day by day. I tried numerous times to shed myself of this monkey, but unlike my binges of the past, I just couldn't seem to get past day 3. I had lost all hope and made a decision to turn it over to the Lord. At that time in my life, my relationship with my higher power had been experiencing some down time. I cannot say I was no longer a believer, but my spiritual self was most definitely in need of some attention. In desperation, the night before 'the storm', before I went to bed I asked God to help me. I told him I knew he had to be so disappointed in me, and that I felt so guilty even asking, but I didn't know how else to handle it. Well Friends, he answered me. Help came into my home the very next day. It was so surreal! I felt like I was about 10 lbs and floating on a cloud. This could have been attributed to either the severity of the situation or the power of the Holy Spirit. I prefer to go with the spirit. Throughout that evening, I made reference to the request I had made the night before, I got the feeling that not too many people believed me. That doesn't matter, I am telling you right now, this really happened! And the days following, were so clear, I knew exactly what I had to do, where I needed to be, and In what order. If you are reading this, and have experience with Methamphetamines, when you are 'coming down', nothing is clear! Your thoughts are jumbled, your words are slurred, all you want to do is eat and sleep. I experienced NONE of this. After a 2 year solid binge, this isn't clinically/statistically possible. My belief is, God not only saved my life that night, but washed the poison from my body! I almost don't believe it myself! Had I not experienced it, I wouldn't have believed it in a million years! Maybe he did this due to the fact that I was going to need to be focused and collected to deal with the manner in which he chose to address my situation. God wanted me to be at peak operation Because I needed to be able to feel the pain, to understand what was happening, to live the hurt. This is the way I choose to make sense of it all, and I consider myself to be fairly logical. Bottom line, he knew what he was doing and how it needed to go down. The way it happened was the ONLY way, and God knew it. That storm blew threw my home on January 10th 2014. This date I now refer to as my 'birthday'. The first day of the rest of my life! Thank you God for second chances! As Meth is a very powerful drug, not many of us get more than one chance. God has bigger plans for me!
I know the road that lay ahead isn't going to be easy, I do not expect anything less than difficult. God carried me out of the storm when I needed him. Yes I have quite the climb back up the mountain ahead of me. I know all of this, and today, I know I WILL handle it! A good friend told me: "Stay true to the word." And that is what I intent to do! With God by your side, all things are possible! BELIEVE IT!
God can only work miracles in you and around you if you let him in to your heart. We need to love ourselves and eachother. Its not Rocket-Science people! :)
3/4/2014
I have been thinking alot about this website and what my overall objective really is. Initially, my purpose is most obvious. This site is my journal and the way to recovery, yet long term, my goal is really help anyone out there who is either still suffering, or needing encouragement in their recovery. My purpose here is also to raise awareness to the fact that there are people out there still hiding in plain sight. Crying silently, dying inside while life goes on around you. You are not really living, if you haven't discovered this already. Know that, I feel your pain. If you aren't quite there yet, you will one day identify with what I have shared about my situation. Believe it! I have lived the full extent of Meth and what it has to offer. From EACH and EVERY angle. NOBODY wins!
3/3/2014
Today is the 3rd court hearing since removal of my sons. This has been one terribly long uphill battle. The crisis that took place in my home on January the 10th, has sent me in a direction I so longed for. Yes I am aware there are so many other ways this could have been accomplished. Unfortunately, I was not at a place in my addiction where I had much of a choice. When you are living the life I had been living, it's a heavy heavy place. Although on the outside, I appeared to be doing excellent, (as so many people complimented my success') the truth was actually the opposite. My world had been steadily falling apart in my mind. I had become a zombie trapped inside my own body. I was disappointed with myself on a daily basis. I was silently screaming for help, trapped in an illusion of perfection. I kept my problems buried behind a disguised 'Perfect Life'. In fact I spent so much of my life covering up the fact that I wasn't perfect and I did it very well. So well, that I had even fooled myself into thinking that I didn't have a problem at all! I hate to disappoint, and that goes for disappointing myself as well. I am also an extremely driven person, driven to be successful in anything I do. So that being said, I couldn't ...wouldn't dare ask for or admit that I would ever need help. All the time, I would hear people tell me:
"You guys are doing so well! We are so proud of you!"
"You have one good looking family!"
"You guys have such a beautiful home."
"Your children are amazing! What an awesome mom you are!"
Countless times I have been referred to as 'rock solid' and 'the stable one'.
And the list goes on and on. So, what was going on in my mind? Yea I have an addiction, but I had fine tuned it to make it work. Wow, I could be an addict, have my drug and live a life in some cases, more normal than those who do not suffer from addiction! What an accomplishment! That's what I was thinking. . . Yet I was locking away the most vital piece of the equation.......Drugs are illegal, not to mention, dangerous (deadly dangerous)! Yes I am a unique meth addict. There aren't many who are blessed with the discipline that I have always possessed. I do realize that this is contradictory to the fact that the drug, though I could provide a normal life for my children, keep a job for 13 years (and do it well), buy a home, have a college fund for my children, and so on, the drug was still in charge. That's are hard pill for me to swallow.....yet it is the truth. Now today I am in the mess I am in, fighting for the children I spent 13 years protecting, praising, & loving. I traded heavy heavy for HEAVIER! Heavier with a side of hope. Today I have a tight rope I have to walk. I have to answer to several different places on a daily basis. I am taking courses, going to meetings, working full time, checking in with probation, checking in with bailbonds, lawyers...and so on. I have 3 places that randomly drug test me on any given day. And for all of this I am so thankful and so very proud of myself (i mean truly truly proud). By proud I mean, I didn't think i would ever be able to tackle my disease successfully. And guess what, In the interum, I now know who I am. I AM all those things I thought the drug had made me, WITHOUT the drug! What the heck was I so afraid of?! This whole time I longed for this very thing. To be awesome in all that I do and to be clean......the drug hides the fact that you could do all of this without it. Meth is such a dominant drug, it robs us of our will power, our power of choice, it overrides any good self image we may have had, and externally, it takes away the ones we love.
So what do I do from here? I pay it forward! I Let my light shine on someone who is still suffering! I am not at all proud of how I evolved at this point in my life, yet I am not at all regretful. No path is the wrong path, if you grow and learn from it. What is the point of life? To blossom, to grow, to learn and to share. If by telling my story I can help only one person from being a victim of this drug, it will be worth it.
This path won't ever be easy, but sooooooo worth it.
Thank you God for sending someone to knock some sense into me! I am really doing this! This is no longer a vision, its my reality!