3/23/2014
I am creating this page to remind myself of the bad associated with my addiction. It will contain poems and writings that were written during my active addiction. It was a dark and dreary time(s) for me.... It is important for a successful recovery, to remember all the dynamics associated with my addiction. WARNING: There is a plethora of negative, so if you are not in good spirits, I recommend you visit this page another time. Or if you are at a point in your recovery where you are feeling vulnerable, I do not recommend reading anything on this page either. The poems were in notebooks I kept hidden, So keep in mind they weren't ever intended for anyone but myself to read. They are an 'as is' basis, I didn't alter or sugar-coat any verbiage. They are the real mind set of a chemically altered mind.... By sharing them, I am in no way endorsing drug use of any kind, or justifying any use either. These writings are in NO way a reflection of the person I am today, but rather, a glimpse into the actively addicted mind......
Don't know why I keep going through the same game over and over again.
live life right?... or keep slowly killing myself instead?
Why live longer when you can just speed things up and rush right through?
So fast that you never stop to enjoy a single minute of anything you do!
Yeah sounds real appealing, huh? just feel so warm and fuzzy inside.
I must be insane, cuz here I am for yet another ride!
I don't know why I chose to use the other night, I knew the whole time that in the end I'd wish I hadn't.
Its that psychotic thinking pattern that makes us return to practicing those nasty habits.
There isn't a thing that I can do about it now, past is past...not gonna change.
But I can try to make it right this time instead of going back to those same old ways.
Although I could just continue to go on using day after day...
Yet the drug just doesn't make me happy; it just no longer is the same.
2005
Is there any way out of this labyrinth we call our addiction?
When will the nightmare we are living ever be corrected?
Trapped and helpless, If only I could escape.
Just keep on repeating the exact same mistake.
If I just would've listened when others warned me of this,
Instead I am here, knees deep in a mess!
Hearts slowly breaking,
Cannot stop shaking,
You search for a cure,
So many souls not pure,
And you wander further......
Never turning back,
Never correcting the past,
Just digging deeper.....
Backstabbing friends,
Never making amends,
Always running away,
It gets worse every day,
And you wander further....
Never turning back,
Never correcting the past,
Just digging deeper.
Hating that which I am, problems temporarily solved,
Corrupting my brain, or 'using' so called.
Finding my content with every high
Slowly yet quickly addicting my mind!
Heartbeat increases as reality slips away,
No time for sleep, day after day.
But never complaining, no concept of 'real'
Only notice how "great" i feel.
"This is the last time" I think in my mind.
...But my high goes down.
'Who I am'
Who I am it's hard to know.
I have so many feelings I do not show.
Manic depressive?.. maybe I am.
Overly upset? or don't give a damn?
Who can distinguish these thoughts that I have?
I know now I can't, so who do I ask?
Continuous confusing thoughts in my head.
Yet I speak these words, and know not what I said.
Hear what I say: someone please help me!
I have completely lost my identity!
'The Cycle'
The cycle starts somewhere, but not on its own.
The first step is the only one that you can control!
You know from experience what you should choose,
But its that insane thinking that justifies your decision to use.
You ask: "what's one more time gonna hurt anyway?"
"I'm not gonna use anymore after today!"
You appreciate the way you remember the high.
And once again you're believing your very own lies.
That nervous feeling in your stomach as your palms start to sweat.
All those promises you've made yourself, you'll soon forget.
You suddenly ask yourself why you ever quit.
Deep inside you know, but you try to forget.
Reality hits as your rush starts to fade.
And the guilt trickles in for the choice you just made.
You promise yourself that this WILL be the last time.
But that's so easy to say when you are high.
Why am I making something so important? It only brings harm to my life.
It has taken my self-respect and healthy relationships, without even thinking twice.
Seems so obvious what I should do, yet that doesn't seem to matter.
All my childhood dreams and visions are completely shattered.
Confused by this lifestyle that I have chosen.
Living a lie......and for what reason?
I'm playing with fire knowing someday I'll fall.
I must be believing there's some good in it all.
What happened to that girl that I used to be?
Where did she go? Why did she leave?
This one isn't a poem I wrote while I was using, I wrote it in the 6th grade. We were instructed to write a poem about our favorite color. At that time, my friend had just committed suicide, so I was not in a happy place. Of course, I chose the color black, which really is the absence of all color......
11/21/1993
'BLACK"
Black is the feeling of depression, when life seems so cruel.
Black is wicked thoughts and actions; the horror of voodoo.
Black is sadness or mourning the loss of a loved one.
It's evil or darkness, and strong hatred for someone.
Black is spirits and halloween night.
Black is the complete absence of light.
Black is the shuddering darkness in the depths of hell.
Or the cold clammy feeling of an enclosed prison cell.
Black is drowning in the pits of despair, alone in a world of your own.
Black is the devil and his deafening moan!
Black is when you're convinced suicide is whats best.
Black is when happiness makes you depressed.
Black is guns, murder, and death itself.
Black is idolizing someone elses wealth.
Black is taking life before it has the chance to begin.
Black is giving up your soul and living in sin.
Black is the eight ball and contacting the dead.
Or when you're murdered over confusion of what was really said.
Black is those who see rape as a game.
or denying the truth and living in shame.
Black is two-sided people, big egos, and total anger.
Black is selling yourself to a complete stranger.
Black is the evil side within all of us.
Or looking at people in discust.
Black is gang wars, and killing for fun.
And acting so innocent when you know what you've done.
Black is putting others down to lift your own self-esteem.
Or when we live in our nightmares instead of our dreams.
Black is all around us, even though we aren't aware.
It's the bad things that happen, even thought they seem unfair.
Black is when my friend so quickly said "goodbye".
And now I understand, that black can make us cry.
Its a viscous cycle that has become the 'familiar', although it isn't at all what you'd call normal.
I feel like my life is all one constant battle, always fighting for a life that consists of some morals.
I know i must be stupid and or crazy. I know I've got a pretty good concept of right and wrong.
But for some bazaar and powerful force still keeps me from living my life the way that I want.
The answers are right there in front of me day and night, yet I'm still not living the life that I wish to God I would.
I know that I owe it to myself and my boys to create my dream world, by removing those things I should.